It gets said that men are thinking about sex every 7 seconds, but that it is subconscious, but I must be in touch with that part of myself, because I'm always thinking about sex. But what is unusual in me is that it isn't just the sex I want, it is companionship and friendship. I want a lover, not just a sex partner. The really sad part is that I look back on my life and that spark of a young mind, with creativity and wonder with the world has never left me. It gets depressing to think that I'm with a woman who has gotten so old so fast. A lot has to do with her health, which some of which she can't help, but she's become depressed and it effects everything around her.
I mean, there's this classic rock hippie, and I'm more alternative, and other aspects of personality that I wish fit me better, and the inhibited side that just isn't me. If it wasn't for my son sometimes I'd be gone, but stay as I do, when I'm 50 and 60 and 70 and 80 I'll be younger than most people I know, and I just hope I get her back, that I see the Judy I knew come back alive. But at nearing 50 I'm still into new music and have a young mind.
I remember a few people in my life I've met and known who carry that young mind and heart, and I never saw age in them. But I see some of it only in the mirror at times. I look at my eyes and they still blaze, and it sucks to live without someone who can understand that fire and intensity.
I love the touch of a lover, and the passion of companionship, where warm friendship and caring fill every dark corner within my being, and mine in theirs. An honesty and ability to share everything, and feel comfort in just a gaze, let alone a soft touch.
When you have an understanding, with friends or lovers, there is just so much beauty there. It fills you, but I feel like an amputee. I'm a runner with no legs, and a swimmer with no arms.
In a few months I'll be 48, and at this point in my life I should have a real partner. I'm fucked by 29 or 30 years, because like there is a physical and a mental age, there's also a spiritual one, and in that one you are so old that you're a child, filled with both reverence and wonder.
I see women every day and can see automatically what there could be there, and in so many, even and sometimes especially young ones, there is a sadness that what could be isn't, and all they need is what I need. I wish Judy would give me that, like she used to.
Yet I'm trapped by duty to my son. It is so bittersweet.
With Judy I could have it, but I'm also designed for an expanded relationship base. If she could let go of her bullshit and share herself and me we could have that passion, where jealous ownership is not in the equation. Then there's the sexual passion aspects. Taking other lovers should expand and grow the love you have with a partner. Share what you have and be happy you have that moment, and if any woman was part of something like that, with total freedom, being so set free from that selfish ownership would just blow their minds.
So now I have this self understanding and no one to share it with. Dreams are great unless they remain always and forever denied. She wants that ownership marriage, and I think friendship, companionship, and love can be even better if you are open to share yourself is a little bigger circle.
I think of past lovers, and the love doesn't ever seem to fade. But all that takes common ground that no one ever seems brave enough to embrace.
Everyone has thoughts of other people even when they are in a great relationship, and I don't ever want to deny any lover of mine that joy, as long as there love and devotion for me is true enough for them to come back after they go explore and enjoy, and man, to share it is even better.
As far as being in the South, I think a big reason why it is so bad here is mostly due to how men treat women as property or dirt. Women seem so desperate for real love that they also get jealous over pieces of shit.
I love my wife, but I'm not in passionate love with her. I wish she and I could have that again, but I want that and more. We could have that, and would if we included maybe Sarah, and that would work. Sarah has her problems, but she dreams about much of what I do, but she's hung up on that same line of bullshit that everyone accepts as "normal".
Amanda has that fire and spark, and is with an asshole, sadly her sister and even her mother have that same problem. I think of her because she reminds me of Julie a lot, and I'm attracted to the alternative goth thing just because, but the age gap there is too vast. I wish Judy had some of those tastes though.
I see also Steph, and hope she finds someone good. I feel for her more like a daughter. She's turned sexy, and I saw her that way, attracted to her physically, or just had that passing thought of wonder what it would be like, and it would be like incest. Maybe could be like that if I didn't know her when she was young, but she's in love with a jerk as well, and I don't give that long, because her old man takes her for granted as well..... I analyze this because I see her in that southern relationship baggage trap, and hope she rises above it. I think she will. I think she'll dump that loser and be better off.
But the thing is as a lover and mate and father I really am the bomb, but I need a partner because I allow my good energy to be taken without getting what I need back.
I think of Hailey, and it was like watching a plane catch fire and crash to the ground, because Dave was selfish and stupid and she was so much wanting love that she lost what was best in her. I see her as just another example, because I think women need to discover and use their power and have men that complement them. I see the same thing repeated so often.
And as far as a male friend to share women and life and friendship with, like I had when I was a live-aboard back in Jersey, they just aren't in my world and down here they don't get it, and if they have the sexual desires I do they are usually just freaks, with no sense of the spiritual side of it all, because like I think every man should have more than one woman I think every woman should have a variety of men, and naturally the group encounters where the recreational side of things gets explored without there being the stigma of perversion. When that level of pure desire is met nothing is perverted and the twisted aspects vanish. It becomes something to savor, not something to grasp to fill an empty void.
Sarah would be love and passion, and Amanda would be like reliving the past. Now there's 30 years between us and 23 between Sarah and I, but that could vanish as well, and the sex, romance, and passion with either of them would be what I know it would be. Either one of them would be breathless and spastic with elation if we made love, and it would be sex but if would be lovemaking, because they would know that they were desired because of what I see in them, not just what I place in them. But Amanda is just a fantasy that is best left that way, and if she keeps her head she'll make some guy lucky. I just don't see her staying with her sperm donor. And I don't think I could fit her into a expanded relationship like I'd like Judy and I to have with Sarah. That's it.... Amanda reminds me of Julie, and I equate those feelings and thoughts with her! Man this helps...
So I carry these secrets, well, Judy knows I'd love to bring Sarah into our bed and home, but Judy and I don't share a bed now. She has just too many bags, but I think she understands that I need more than just her anymore. She knows she doesn't give me what I want or need, and I have tried for too long to bring down the walls she has, and I didn't put most of them there. If Sarah or Amanda, or even Steph saw the 26 year old version of me and Judy wasn't my wife, man it'd be all over. Although I see Amanda and Steph like daughters, and like Patty like a sister, just could never feel comfortable tapping it and don't get the thought, but any man still sees the body parts.
I think back to my past and wish I maybe chased Ginny or tried to find Julie or Bethany. I let so many other starts down that path stay too casual, and maybe if I explored it more then I'd have the lifestyle that fits me. Back then I smothered the love I felt with friendship and should have smothered the friendship with love, and by smothering I mean not like cutting off air... more like blueberries on pancakes...
Just thinking of the sexual side any man sees sex all the time, and I'm no different. If I let that run wild, it makes my mind race with aspects of lust.
Now I'm thinking about sex adding blueberries... a vision of a bed with a white sheet, Sarah with blueberries all over her and me eating them off, lapping up syrup and a finger and a tongue. Now I see Amanda, drenched is sweat, locked eyes with her and I caress every part of her body. As much as I think of her as a friend, I can't help but think wild thoughts. All men have them. Man if these women knew how wild my thought were and that because of what I see in them what runs through my mind.... Now the two of them together.... I'd have to just sit back and watch and be their love toy. Me and my sexual fantasy side....
Judy thinks I fantasize about other women when I'm with her, but I think about her when I'm with her. I might sometimes think about someone else, but it's them with Judy and I... My fantasies don't betray her, they include her, and she's too stupid and wrapped up in preconceptions to ever see that. I may have wild thoughts, but she is just as much there as anyone, if not more.
Judy I think just needs to go on a vacation and get some strange so she can get her groove back... even though it never has been up to my level. Sometimes I think what she really needs is to be tied to a chair and made to watch porno with a vibrator in her until something awakens in her. Something to get her to just shut-up and fuck. She says we need to talk and has all this discussion shit, but that is like a path that is an endless circle.
People shouldn't make sex emotional, but allow it to be healing and an emotional aspect and expression of something greater.
Damn a repressive society.
Besides, men always have that fantasy, and many women deny themselves that because of a label they'll even place upon themselves. Why shouldn't women get every hole filled and be so cum drenched and satisfied that they have a smile for a week without feeling dirty about it?
A partner who might swing with me every few months or so would fix that wild lust craving for me. One of my favorite things in the world..... and I've adjusted to life without it, but I if Judy loves me really she'd want to make sure I had some of that every once in a while, and I want her to share it with me. Not often, but sometimes.
Just think of life if everything you do had to be with your spouse. You could go bowling, but never play teams, or basketball, always one on one. All beaches are reserved for you both, and no one else could go on the merry-go-round or Ferris wheel... And everyone looks at other people and part of them wants to, so why not, if it is controlled and has rules and respect and love and is shared.... it can make a relationship better. My car example is great. Say you love a Mustang, have one and drive it every day. Then one day you get a chance to drive a Corvette, if you know you're driving home in it, why not? You get to experience the sensations of the different car, and so what if it has better turning, maybe the old Mustang has a better ride and can pull a boat and is more comfortable. You'd always see Vettes and wonder what they drive like, and begin to resent the Mustang because you're stuck in it every day. You could take a fast spin, enjoy the speed and ride, and get out happy for the experience but more happy you're back in your old car.
Me, I just want two cars, like a new Mustang that has that retro look and the one it's modelled after. They look good together, and each has their finer points, and it doesn't matter which one I drive, I'm happy I have both, and they both will get washed and waxed all the time, because I'd be proud and blessed to have them...
Ain't love a bitch!