Wild Run My Thoughts

I've been thinking about the "what ifs" of a few women. I have been thinking about the aspects of infatuation and of love and desire, and while there are more infatuations, man the ones I know I love and could love, well if the shells were less physical......
First off, I honestly wish my wife was bisexual and open to an "occasional" swinging lifestyle, that we could romance each other and share other partners. While there aren't really any males too worthy or mindsetted to include, there are some women that would be fun. I don't mean all of the time, but sometimes...
Right now, and for a while now, there are just two women I'd like to have under my roof. Sarah and Judy, when together, function better than when apart, and get along. I just don't completely trust Sarah. I believe she steals with the excuse she "has nothing and needs". Judy just doesn't have the passion she once had, which at her best was far below the level I like. The sex, when it rarely happen, is still really decent, and almost every time I cum she cums with me, but that has a lot to do with me I think, my abilities. She just has too many hang-ups and pre-conditions...for everything. She's much more judgemental than I like, but in an open relationship things might work, and we've already had that discussion, and I told her I won't ever turn down a woman I'm really attracted to, period. That being denied the romance and physical pleasure for so long she's lost the right to claim it anymore. I've been kept too hungry too long.... a man needs food. I shouldn't have to ask or initiate every time.
I think she needs some chance encounter where she's fucked senseless (I love it when women can't even say their own name) for her own sense of sexuality and self-esteem, but she's allowed pills and depression and her attitude to ruin life. If she made sex more of a selfish prioity, something for her to fill that need we all have, she'd do better I think. I didn't make her that way. Maybe I could have done more, but I can't think of how. I've tried nice, mean, cold, indifferent, supportive, but she is in a funk and so much of it is self-imposed.
Now Sarah is depressed, but her sperm doner is an asshole that makes her cry and makes her sad. He's more concerned about drugs than his own kids, and he simply sucks. She has this faith that he'll change, but I don't think he ever will. I'm usually a good call on that crap. And her kids deserve better, and the three of us together would be great for all of our kids, because we could all work together, and work well.
The two of them together would function so well, compensate for each other, and basically fix each other. They need to get past the age aspects and bisexuality aspects and the regementing of a relationship and start a friends with benefits sister relationship. Sarah has a bi side to her, and isn't always bold enough to act on those wild thoughts she has. It's sad that people let fantasy stay that way.
And I think of Amanda just as an example of wasted potential. She's 17 but she's more mature than her older sister, and on about the same level as her mother. She's not so much inmature, more like just not enough life experience. She's with some guy who's a real asshole, but she's too blind to see it. But take away the age thing and she and I'd be a great pair. She's on a level Julie was, and has a passion about wanting to see the world become a better place. She just doesn't have the experience, and if she ever gets away from her sperm doner she'd soar. Now if she was added under my roof the way it is, she and I would be closer to her than Judy would be to Sarah, but I had a dream of that farm in Carolina with all of them there, kids included, and I could see it. But we always see what we want to see, don't we. But that is my animal lust dream idea, not what I know would work best, and I would never want to be spread so thin. A little more enhances, and too much takes away.
In an ideal world I'd make her 19 and me 22 and start over, or fix the past and have Julie... or better yet put aspects that I'm attracted to into Judy, but I'm greedy and would want both anyway. If I wanted to go to a peace rally or political event, or poetry reading or just out dancing or for a walk on a beach or in a park, those two would fit about best. I need someone motivated. Sarah, sadly, is suffering from being with Chris for too long and starting too young and being pushed down, and Amanda would have that happen to her if she doesn't get rid of Josh. The age thing makes that one really out of reach, but Sarah maybe. I see them breaking up, and I see Steph breaking up with her wipe. Some things just don't balance. Bet a million bucks they both move on before long, although I think Steph will hurt then move past it, and Amanda will dwell. I watch their relationships and see things I went through both before and now with Judy. These women have the idea but not the drive or skills to make it full circle.
But those are examples of women, especially southern women, and yes, the north, too, if you're talking about urban areas... Women as property and beneath men is an attitude here, and it has fucked up so many people and they just don't see it.
I remember growing up around much more equal and liberated women, and I function better that way, but when you are that way around women who weren't, there's this natural conflict thing, because they judge you on different standards than you have, and they can't grasp that it isn't in the equation for you.
I don't want to wind up divorced and I've been warning Judy, but she makes no effort to change anything, and never accepts fault. Sarah accepts too much, and I need someone more balanced. That might be an aspect of why I see both better together, they would balance each other in that as well. All of this might hurt Judy at first, she's hardheaded and often close-minded. She would be resentful that I love someone else as well and wonder why it all just can't be her. But reality is what I feel and what she feels and what we need, and I can't escape that reality. Even if I could hide and ignore how I feel, I made a vow to my wife I intend to keep of spending the rest of my life with her, even if that life isn't what anyone expected. We married for better or worse, and watching someone crash over and over again from addiction and depression is hard enough, and you can't tell a drunk or junkie soemthing they refuse to admit because that reflection is just too hard to accept. Sarah is going down the same road Judy walked to get where she is. I didn't make that road, or make a map to it, if anything I flatten the tires so tey stop, but I refuse to give either one of them a ride down it anymore.
But I love these women, especially Judy, too much to enable such self-destruction anymore. Even as just as a friend don't want to see any of the bullshit continue. So at some point I have to come clean and explain just how I feel, she deserves nothing less from me, and she deserves to have me at the best I can be, and I really think we all would be at our best if we work as one. Sarah or some other friend/lover can give Judy things I might never be able to, and their friendship has been a blessing for both of them, and the kids and me. Sadly, Chris will never give Sarah what she really needs, and I could, but it has to be with Judy as a partner and knowing, and if they are good enough friends to share me to that degree, without jealousy, without thinking that loving one takes anything away from the other, then I can give them both the best of myself, be better off for what I share with each of them, and find comort and fulfillment and give them the same in such a high degree that they float and bounce with happiness and fulfillment.
I've got a feeling that major changes are coming and coming fast, even money wise, lke we hit rock bottom then something will happen to fix it all. I have seen some real hard times coming. I had a dream where we were here but were camping, and like this SWAT thing fell on us, then we just started getting lucky right in the middle of it all. I saw myself getting vindicated for all the shit we've endured, and even Alex getting worse then better. I saw Judy getting better once she changes her habits, and I saw our house, but the living room was bigger, and fixing up the place, and having Christmas in a construction site, which was weird, and I saw myself going to the bank happy, and down the road us loading up a truck and moving. I saw us on a farm, and saw Sarah finally getting so fed up or something happening but her still fed up with Bebo and his mom that she packed the kids up and moved. It was like this dejavu dream, and it went by all so fast, like some fastforward thing....
I even saw a garden, and have had vivid dreams of us on the farm, and it being a little bit of a fight to make the golf course work, and even all of us, all the kids and Judy, I saw voting on putting in a windmill or a lighthouse on one of the holes, and what colors to paint the picnic tables.
And for some stupid reason, our living room went from blue to green accents, even the accent wall. What the hell does that mean? I need to start a journal about my dreams.... I don't have many, but the ones I've had lately are like the ones I had before Alex was born, or once just before Judy and I split and I was in jail. I dreamed four months and Alex being denied me, and it happened. Judy thinks she can play fortune teller, but if she only knew...
It's why I don't worry about shit. I've seen myself on a boat on water like Palmilico, and a coolass pickup truck, and Judy getting better. I remember another dream when I saw her with perfect teeth after she was losing them all, and then she got dentures. Maybe I should tell her about the dreams I have that I know are profetic, but maybe I don't want to jinx them either. I just have to listen to the warning ones better. I had a dark vision one as well, where Judy never stopped smoking and pills and she was dead before 60. How do you tell someone you love who doubts you so often about truths you know and things you know will come to pass?

I can deal with and want to have Judy and I being co-parents to, and with Sarah's kids even. Judy is great with kids, and would be a great second mother, and she really did need a daughter. I remember I tried to have her have a second child with me but she shot that down and I think now regrets it. And Sarah will never have a son, and one of those dreams saw some major conflict over her house with all of her kids screaming. She needs out of there, and away from Jacksonhell, Florida.
And once I get moved, like I know I will, I have seen myself thinner and in better shape, but not as thin as I'd like. I saw myself with like a 38-40" waist line. I wish that would be 36", but who would I be kidding!
Then there's age and the passage of time...
Judy has been getting old, fast. She can stop it now, and I'll do everything I can to help her, but in the end she has to reduce the pills and stop smoking on her own. Sarah is more like my age equal, or will be. Money will come, somehow, somewhere, and soon, and it will change things, and I will get a little younger, and that will make me Sarah's age equal. I don't see Sarah after the money is here though. I do sense new people will cycle in. I also see Steph coming to us in need but being like a leaf on the wind. I just know when she comes we have to help.
But I see Judy getting better after geting worse. I wish there was a record button for dreams and sleep visions. I saw myself in jail again but not going to court.
Visions that come like dreams are a trip. I get them in bursts, over a week or two, with varriations, remembering parts at times, like having ten jigsaw puzzles and throwing them up in the air, and they all fall with some of the pieces still together, and others falling together to make one picture out of several...

I'll be younger at 70 than most people I know who are 40. I get back to dancing and rowing and just generally active, and I'll have the body of someone 40, and it will stay that way. I know I'll be like a few other older guys I know.
Neil Larsen is like that... he's like 77 and rides a scooter around and is simply more active than even his own kids. he had a sickly wife, and was like a nursing home orderly. Since she died he can do more, but when you watch your wife get old and sick and die, that sucks, and I don't wantr to watch Judy self-destruct. Sarah would prevent that, and she would get out of the pills to depression to hunt for money for pills or sell pills for money cycle, and where she turns to pills for the escape factor.
But I will be one of those guys who acts 40 at 70 and 50 at 80. I've seen it, and I feel it. Money will come and make me lose my funk, and allow me the means to fix so much. I just have to follow the things I know about guys like Neil, be a duck and not let the weight of problems to slow me down.....
There's a few out there that have somewhat shown me that is the way to be, to not slow up or recognize the things that can limit you if you let them. I have a duty to follow this path and take the along. I love Judy so much, and want to give her what I've seen, but she just fights everything so much all the time. It's a secret right in front of all our faces.
That taoist flowing thing, every time I let go of it it hurts me, so I just have to hold on to it with a light grip, and let it float me to what I see.