It was a nice Christmas. I like my stereo and Judy and Alex like their gifts, main one being cookware worth a lot, and I got nice earings for Judy, and loads of sheets.
I'll have my license cheap soon, may take until after Christmas.
Once I do then I can work on fixing Judy's shit. Darryl is around a lot, which is okay, and I'm finally redoing the kitchen with his help. It pisses me off because my shoulder, knee, and elbow are fucked, and I can't even hold a paint can well. Mrs. Betty, Carmelo, Darryl and Helene, Steph, Henry, Gerald, Diane, yeah a few friends around, even Steph and her worthless boyfriend.
My best present is Judy losing a foot of bad tubing. Maybe now I can get her back, although until we address the methadone problem and she is more motivated and healthy forget it.
I also know that now she's "foced" that if she doesn't start being the one to initiate things that I don't care about giving it any effort anymore. I deserve better. I deserve to be anted and touched without asking, and getting more that a quickie. If she won't, I don't think I'd have a problem finding a woman who would be thrilled to have a man like me. I may be a little heavy, but that is my own depression surfacing, and the source of that is from my relationship with her. I feel alone, and that is wrong.
Anyway, one step at a time.

We at least have money for Christmas, and it is going fast. Judy wants to go food and delivery, and between that and smoking $400 will vanish at this rate in a month.
Smoking is GOING to stop, and very soon, or I WILL divorce her over it. I feel bad about promising Alex then not following through, and I can only stop if she does.
Carmelo is paid, my mom is paid, and things are finally working out. I think I'll fix the kitchen I hate so much.
Judy had emergency surgery. As much as we war, and as bad as her habits are and life is with someone suffering from pill overuse and depression, it isn't anything I want to go through again.
Maybe this will fix her. I'd like to have a healthy lighthearted friend as my companion, and she has no clue as to how her depression and all the shit has worn me down and hurt me and Alex. Most men would never have stayed or stuck it out. I'm celibate, fought over everything and the object of any anger she ever has, and am emotionally and romantically neglicted.
I don't care what she thinks, I want to play before I'm too old and cold to. I've lost so much time already dealing with this all, and deserve it. She knew how I feel about sex and romance and how the dynamics of it all works, and she should give me what I want at least a fraction of the time. It's not like I keep many secrets or want to reoplace her. I want to suppliment recreational sex and have her as a full partner in playing.
If she loves me like she says she does then I feel she'd want to give me that and be there with me to share in it, and get from me whatever she wants in return, and what I'm more at ease in giving back to her. How I want that is for Judy to have a friend who she doesn't mind sharing me with. In my heart I don't see that as a bad thing.
I have a feeling it may take a month or two for her to kick back into gear, but now she's had the bad plumbing extracted she should get better.
Christmas should be good.
Steph is going to stay with us to maybe get her shit together. She makes excuses and wants to run away as party girl. Her father is hard on her, with good reason in some areas, but he's not equipped to help her and hurts her more.
She needs to get into college, get a job, and fix her life, but she's inmature and hurt and hooked on pills and party. I don't know if she has the will or drive to fix herself, she's more concerned with drugs and running away. Unless she decides to get well and ahead again she won't.
Everything takes time.