I was just awakened by a dream... well, nightmare sort of.
I feel death coming. God I hope it's not my mom. I just know it will be close. It's a fear like I felt when Lynn was a NYC junkie and she died for 8 minuets. I sensed that and didn't find out until two years later about that time of her life. But this is worse, and it's close. Something bad is going to happen. I feel like there will be like an end to suffering, but I don't know anyone in the hospital or sick. I wonder about my Uncle Charlie in Gastonia. I know Aunt Terry will die before long, common sense and my inner knowing know that, but this is death before it was necessary, this feels like a senseless death, yet something that no one can stop anyway, just delay.
Maybe there is death as a spirit, because I can remember saving a life and feeling like it was me who cheated death and pissed death off, like there is this flow of things and you can resist the tao of it, but eventually it will flow as intended.
How do you fix something when you are in a fog and don't know what it is you are supposed to fix. Most of the time I can see everything and know, but right now it is like my second eyes are gone. I didn't see jail for a month over something so trivial either, but that might be what the answer was to my prayer for Judy and Alex to see just how much they need me.
Alex is defiant, and Judy needs to just be consistent firm with him. He has bulldozed her for so long and gets away with so much, because when I punish him Judy mitigates it so often, that he thinks he can do what he wants and bully and manipulate things his way.
I was far from a perfect child, but I knew when to buck up and get things done, and when to shut up and listen. Judy tries to be his friend and let him be adult too much, Judy and Sarah together, with proxy parental power, could compensate for each other, being each other's enforcer.
Sarah has the problem of carrying the total load over there, even when she's sick she has to do everything, and if she doesn't it don't get done, and sometimes she just can't. They both get paralyzed by circumstances, and each one could unfreeze the other, and use me to fix what they can't.
I don't mind putting in the effort. In fact, I love it. I just want what I say to be supported, period. If, after the fact, I was wrong, then explain it to me, but what I say, or Judy does to Alex, needs to be upheld, period.
Still this dark feeling. I see Zach a little, but even though I feel him sometimes thinking about me, like I am part of his compass, I don't know. I just know something really not good is coming, and I know no matter what I do it will happen anyway. I just hope it's not that bad.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
So I'm basically the same guy I was when I was 17, same basic beliefs and dreams and my romantic and passionate sides are the same, and if I was in the same body I had when I was anywhere from 17 to 37 I'd be taking a different path right now on a few fronts.
But here I am, balder, fatter, and a little more grey than I remember me, or that I even feel....
Why is it that you're exactly the same in so many ways but just because you're older you're a dirty old man, or in the case of women a cougar...
Race, sex, creed, and yes, age, should simply not matter that much, except when you're talking about really young... but maturity, real maturity is such an ageless thing. I mean, so here I am, with so many of the same views and all as I had 30 years ago, so does that mean I never "grew up"? What does that shit even mean anyway?
When I was 26 I was dating, seeing and fucking two women. One was 17, intelligent, poetic, talented, and mature, and the other was a college professor at Monmouth College, she was 52, and had about half the sense of the one who was 17. So how do we decide what is too young or old, or why have any prejudices.... Here I am almost 48, and my wife who is 50 sometimes seems to me older than my mom who is 82.
I'm still in love, still, with Julie, who I haven't seen in 25 years and only talked to three times since then. I just never fell out of love with her, and I don't think she aged... or rather, she aged without age like I have. I'm in love with a girl with four kids and loads of problems and self-esteem issues because I know what she would be with me and what she and I could have together, and how she'd be with me.... and part of me is in love with a girl who's 20 years younger than me, because she's mature in a lot of cool ways and would also fit me well, and be good with me. Most of all, I'm still in love with my wife, who I'd like to share every aspect of my soul with, but even thought some of that might hurt her, she deserves to know everything and should love me accepting everything like I do with her. I hate some of her shortcomings, but love her and she is my wife and my life. It has to be all or nothing, and I want it all.
I know what I can give in a relationship, and what I like and what it is in a woman I love, and more importantly, how to love-how to release yourself and give mutually so that when two people mutually give the result is that you both have more than you both put it, like it compounds itself.
I don't have that, but I retain it because it is part of who I am, so it lays in wait, like a seed in winter, waiting.
I wish it was there with Judy like it should be, but she cuts me down all the time, and it kills me. The problem I had, and how I got stuck in a life I sometimes hate with a woman who frustrates me so much is I settled for a percentage. I accepted 70% of what I wanted and now have so much of what I don't want despite everything I try to fix it. I allow my optimism to blind me, because unless there is a mindset that fits you, there will always be something lacking. And because I have the steady hope that she will change and grow. it's there just as much in Judy as it could be with anyone else that fits. And life's circumstances are a bitch as well. I stay where I am for now mostly because of my son, because of a promise and devotion and duty, and I accept that because it is a choice, and because I took my vow seriously. The other reason is the hope Judy will find her way back to the woman I married. The way I see it is that I am warm and compassionate and tender and erotic and so many things that most women dream of, and eventually I'll be in a position to start again once my son is out on his own, in college or something. I would rather not take that path, but who knows what will happen.
But when you yourself are somewhat beyond judgements except as a way to define what you like for yourself, and can step outside of yourself and give empathy to others, you are in a class that requires you wind up with a lover or two that fits that mindset as well. That's why I have to look at what attracts me to other women and why. What makes me have desire, and how can I get that into or out of Judy?
So what do I want? Lovers should be companions and friends who know their life is better sharing it with you than not, and as such share freedom and respect and discovery with you without the fears and conditions that too many people fuck themselves up with.
I want a woman who will never deny me, who I would never want to deny...who I can sense being stimulated by a glance or a kiss or a touch because the passion is just that strong. I want a woman I can share with another person or persons without jealousy, and without conditions. On the sexual side, that means passion without prejudices, so bi-sexuality is a classification that can be tagged to it, but I want even that transcended, so for the majority of the time we share ourselves with each other, but in a recreational sexual situation there is simply passion, and by passion I mean not just sex, but erotic and intimate contact with people we choose to share ourselves with.
I want a woman who anticipates my needs and desires and whom I can return that to, who will fight me sometimes but for me all of the time, who will comfort me and whom I can protect and comfort and inspire, like a collaborative muse. In that atmosphere of shared mutual consideration and respect and love I can breathe, with a joyful heart even when the outside world seems dark because there is such a partnership that joy just floods our hearts.
I want that woman to be Judy, and she would be wonderful for me if she let go of that attitude and self-justified outlooks. And yes, it can be like that, should be like that, and would be only when it is understood and chosen.
The problem is seeing some good qualities in people and thinking that the others that complete this picture will magically appear and materialize if we just wait or put in enough effort. It almost never happens that way, and it sucks the life energy out of you after a while. Many good people turn depressed or bitter that way, but there is also a level of resolve where that can be endured because like a long winter the seed knows the spring will come again.
I'll be dancing and laughing and singing and the only thing that will eventually age on me will be my body, because how most people age is they let their spirit wither away. I'm the kind of guy that needs someone younger just for that reason, because here I am with the same basic "feel" I had inside as when I was 26. 17, and 35 when my son was born. The ages listed are mostly in order. The joke saying of can't judge a book by it's cover kinda applies.
Now all I really need is a companion to share a happy life with.
I wish that would be Judy, but she has to deal with the fact that there is a total me to fulfill and please. No one person can be everything for anyone, and if she is so stupid as to throw the baby out with the bathwater, it is her loss, because if I do get the aspects of life that I need she would have the Skot back that she misses so much. It was that Skot she fell in love with. I was at my best when life and love were carefree, and with her I restricted myself, and she wants this ownership thing that I just can't do. She owns me when she lives free with me...
But here I am, balder, fatter, and a little more grey than I remember me, or that I even feel....
Why is it that you're exactly the same in so many ways but just because you're older you're a dirty old man, or in the case of women a cougar...
Race, sex, creed, and yes, age, should simply not matter that much, except when you're talking about really young... but maturity, real maturity is such an ageless thing. I mean, so here I am, with so many of the same views and all as I had 30 years ago, so does that mean I never "grew up"? What does that shit even mean anyway?
When I was 26 I was dating, seeing and fucking two women. One was 17, intelligent, poetic, talented, and mature, and the other was a college professor at Monmouth College, she was 52, and had about half the sense of the one who was 17. So how do we decide what is too young or old, or why have any prejudices.... Here I am almost 48, and my wife who is 50 sometimes seems to me older than my mom who is 82.
I'm still in love, still, with Julie, who I haven't seen in 25 years and only talked to three times since then. I just never fell out of love with her, and I don't think she aged... or rather, she aged without age like I have. I'm in love with a girl with four kids and loads of problems and self-esteem issues because I know what she would be with me and what she and I could have together, and how she'd be with me.... and part of me is in love with a girl who's 20 years younger than me, because she's mature in a lot of cool ways and would also fit me well, and be good with me. Most of all, I'm still in love with my wife, who I'd like to share every aspect of my soul with, but even thought some of that might hurt her, she deserves to know everything and should love me accepting everything like I do with her. I hate some of her shortcomings, but love her and she is my wife and my life. It has to be all or nothing, and I want it all.
I know what I can give in a relationship, and what I like and what it is in a woman I love, and more importantly, how to love-how to release yourself and give mutually so that when two people mutually give the result is that you both have more than you both put it, like it compounds itself.
I don't have that, but I retain it because it is part of who I am, so it lays in wait, like a seed in winter, waiting.
I wish it was there with Judy like it should be, but she cuts me down all the time, and it kills me. The problem I had, and how I got stuck in a life I sometimes hate with a woman who frustrates me so much is I settled for a percentage. I accepted 70% of what I wanted and now have so much of what I don't want despite everything I try to fix it. I allow my optimism to blind me, because unless there is a mindset that fits you, there will always be something lacking. And because I have the steady hope that she will change and grow. it's there just as much in Judy as it could be with anyone else that fits. And life's circumstances are a bitch as well. I stay where I am for now mostly because of my son, because of a promise and devotion and duty, and I accept that because it is a choice, and because I took my vow seriously. The other reason is the hope Judy will find her way back to the woman I married. The way I see it is that I am warm and compassionate and tender and erotic and so many things that most women dream of, and eventually I'll be in a position to start again once my son is out on his own, in college or something. I would rather not take that path, but who knows what will happen.
But when you yourself are somewhat beyond judgements except as a way to define what you like for yourself, and can step outside of yourself and give empathy to others, you are in a class that requires you wind up with a lover or two that fits that mindset as well. That's why I have to look at what attracts me to other women and why. What makes me have desire, and how can I get that into or out of Judy?
So what do I want? Lovers should be companions and friends who know their life is better sharing it with you than not, and as such share freedom and respect and discovery with you without the fears and conditions that too many people fuck themselves up with.
I want a woman who will never deny me, who I would never want to deny...who I can sense being stimulated by a glance or a kiss or a touch because the passion is just that strong. I want a woman I can share with another person or persons without jealousy, and without conditions. On the sexual side, that means passion without prejudices, so bi-sexuality is a classification that can be tagged to it, but I want even that transcended, so for the majority of the time we share ourselves with each other, but in a recreational sexual situation there is simply passion, and by passion I mean not just sex, but erotic and intimate contact with people we choose to share ourselves with.
I want a woman who anticipates my needs and desires and whom I can return that to, who will fight me sometimes but for me all of the time, who will comfort me and whom I can protect and comfort and inspire, like a collaborative muse. In that atmosphere of shared mutual consideration and respect and love I can breathe, with a joyful heart even when the outside world seems dark because there is such a partnership that joy just floods our hearts.
I want that woman to be Judy, and she would be wonderful for me if she let go of that attitude and self-justified outlooks. And yes, it can be like that, should be like that, and would be only when it is understood and chosen.
The problem is seeing some good qualities in people and thinking that the others that complete this picture will magically appear and materialize if we just wait or put in enough effort. It almost never happens that way, and it sucks the life energy out of you after a while. Many good people turn depressed or bitter that way, but there is also a level of resolve where that can be endured because like a long winter the seed knows the spring will come again.
I'll be dancing and laughing and singing and the only thing that will eventually age on me will be my body, because how most people age is they let their spirit wither away. I'm the kind of guy that needs someone younger just for that reason, because here I am with the same basic "feel" I had inside as when I was 26. 17, and 35 when my son was born. The ages listed are mostly in order. The joke saying of can't judge a book by it's cover kinda applies.
Now all I really need is a companion to share a happy life with.
I wish that would be Judy, but she has to deal with the fact that there is a total me to fulfill and please. No one person can be everything for anyone, and if she is so stupid as to throw the baby out with the bathwater, it is her loss, because if I do get the aspects of life that I need she would have the Skot back that she misses so much. It was that Skot she fell in love with. I was at my best when life and love were carefree, and with her I restricted myself, and she wants this ownership thing that I just can't do. She owns me when she lives free with me...
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