I was just awakened by a dream... well, nightmare sort of.
I feel death coming. God I hope it's not my mom. I just know it will be close. It's a fear like I felt when Lynn was a NYC junkie and she died for 8 minuets. I sensed that and didn't find out until two years later about that time of her life. But this is worse, and it's close. Something bad is going to happen. I feel like there will be like an end to suffering, but I don't know anyone in the hospital or sick. I wonder about my Uncle Charlie in Gastonia. I know Aunt Terry will die before long, common sense and my inner knowing know that, but this is death before it was necessary, this feels like a senseless death, yet something that no one can stop anyway, just delay.
Maybe there is death as a spirit, because I can remember saving a life and feeling like it was me who cheated death and pissed death off, like there is this flow of things and you can resist the tao of it, but eventually it will flow as intended.
How do you fix something when you are in a fog and don't know what it is you are supposed to fix. Most of the time I can see everything and know, but right now it is like my second eyes are gone. I didn't see jail for a month over something so trivial either, but that might be what the answer was to my prayer for Judy and Alex to see just how much they need me.
Alex is defiant, and Judy needs to just be consistent firm with him. He has bulldozed her for so long and gets away with so much, because when I punish him Judy mitigates it so often, that he thinks he can do what he wants and bully and manipulate things his way.
I was far from a perfect child, but I knew when to buck up and get things done, and when to shut up and listen. Judy tries to be his friend and let him be adult too much, Judy and Sarah together, with proxy parental power, could compensate for each other, being each other's enforcer.
Sarah has the problem of carrying the total load over there, even when she's sick she has to do everything, and if she doesn't it don't get done, and sometimes she just can't. They both get paralyzed by circumstances, and each one could unfreeze the other, and use me to fix what they can't.
I don't mind putting in the effort. In fact, I love it. I just want what I say to be supported, period. If, after the fact, I was wrong, then explain it to me, but what I say, or Judy does to Alex, needs to be upheld, period.
Still this dark feeling. I see Zach a little, but even though I feel him sometimes thinking about me, like I am part of his compass, I don't know. I just know something really not good is coming, and I know no matter what I do it will happen anyway. I just hope it's not that bad.