I love Thanksgiving. I love my wife and son. I love my mom, even my sister. I love Sarah and her kids. I love our dog and chicken and pets, and some good friends.
Man that is a great feeling, to just be able to love.
I'm fairly content considering everything.

Jay died. I guess it was bound to happen, she had a death-wish for so long. I blame Greg and her father. Greg was an asshole, and Wayne is a selfish scum-bag. She reached out for him and he denied her. It seems Judy's side of the family can turn cold in a flash. Judy shows signs of it at times, but emotionally. It's like if you don't live up to some sick standards they have, they judge you, and they all have walls. Leon allowed himself to be dominated and repressed by his Jabba of a wife, but Wayne, man he has an arrogance and level of abuse of the spirit of others I just can't stand. Jay died from drugs and alcohol, but Judy does the same thing to her body with pills. She is doing what Jay did only slower. There are the excuses, and the feeling they have the right to make those bad choices. Alex is resentful because of it. Now I see Sarah falling into the pill hole. Their friendship can let them save each other.
I can't help Judy, I've tried every approach, and when I'm "nice" I'm just empowering and approving, so I won't even do the ER with Judy until she fixes herself for herself, or at least is trying. She has no idea of the cost it has had on our family. I hope Sarah gets off that path before it is too late. I see that if they both let their friendship to evolve, and I mean as close as sisters, and further, and if they both figure out how to use me as a resource for them working together, they would heal fast. Pills will make them sick, keep them broke, and maybe get them in jail if they have bad luck one day. Stupid shit happens chasing dragons.
But I could talk until I'm blue in the face. If I assert loudly, I am told "HUSH!". As if some words will ward off the evil spirit of reality that makes them look at themselves. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is to be mean when they push their lies upon you.
I think, if they let it happen, love and life shared between us three would fix all of that. I can see it so clearly, and feel it on the edge, just waiting for truths to reveal themselves and epiphanies to occur.
Judy is talking the Jay thing hard, but maybe that person she saw as a partner is Sarah.
and I do feel guilty about Jay and I being involved, but Judy for months kept me celibate, and Jay threw it at me, and even when Judy tried it was a 20 minute run and done, and I need more than that, I need the tender snuggles naked in bed that go with it. I crave the intimacy more than the nut. And maybe I thought I was helping Jay a little as well. A loved woman usually motivates. And I was resentful to Judy over so many nights I've slept alone, or heard her bitching right in the middle of lovemaking, which should always be sacred and not tainted with words from a mouth that aren't "Oh, God!" or "enough, enough, enough..." or "I love you".
She was unfaithful first, because loyalty is not keeping your man in need when there's no reason not to.
Love heals, and withholding it makes a person sick.
Wayne withheld fatherly love, when that is what she needed most, and maybe she turned to me to fill a gap (no pun intended) or something that was missing, and maybe I took advantage of that, in part to help jay, in part to hurt Judy. That may be wrong, but at least I can see it, and hell, I'm only human. No woman can complain if a man finds release anywhere when they give him none and starve him. And yes, that is a justification and an excuse. They are valid to a degree. Until Judy sees that if she was leading me by the hand to bed just to make sure I was satisfied and happy, and putting effort into love instead of using it as a weapon or reward, then none of that ever would have happened. You can't cut the fuel line and blame the car for not running.
Suck is life.

Took Judy to the Democratic watch party. She was so beautiful tonight. I saw some of what the pills and depression have stolen from me for so long back, and it is bittersweet, because I know there are more times she'll run out of pills or her digestive system will shut down from being narced out. But when she is doing decent it feels really good. She was a little sick and came anyway, good for her. It felt good to have my woman by my side... I miss that.
At least no more Bush, but what worries me is the country is so bad right now.
Work is slow, and things worry me, but no matter what, I think we'll do fine in the long run.
That goes for both the country, and crap with my wife once she starts to see things with a few adjustments to her perspectives. She's smart, so I think it will eventually dawn on her. She just needs to fix herself and get healthy, and that, sadly, is something I can't fix for her. She has to make the changes herself. When that effort gets really real I'll be there for her, but I won't be a crutch anymore, and that hurts her and she doesn't always nderstand why I am so cold when she's sick, but even the experts have told me you have to tough love them even wen you want to run and help them. That has been hard, to be cold when I'm not, but I have to or this shit might kill her. She has to motivate. Change is the theme this year, isn't it? I want changes, but I also want my wife back as a real life partner, whereever and whatever that means.