It is true, being a real friend with someone isn't always easy. You have to let go of all judgments and accept them raw, every flaw and detail of personality. Marriage is the same way. Naturally there is a limit there. One cannot accept abuse, and the friendship and love must work both ways. It has been great to see Judy and Sarah develop a real friendship, and while there are some problems that need to be worked out, for the most part between all three of us there is something really great.
Sarah and I are closer than most people generally know, mostly because Sarah is not allowed to have a guy be that close becaise of Chris, and because Sarah is afraid that is Judy knew how close we are Sarah thinks it might hurt their relationship. Sarah has expressed a desire to get even closer, but that would create complications between us all, and she doesn't want to hurt Judy. Neither do I. I'd love to have my cake and eat it too, but Judy doesn't share my views on expanded relationships.
I think a romance/friendship flowing between us three makes us each and all better for ourselves and to and for each other. I have seen it working that way, and so have they, and it can't, nor shouldn't, be denied.
We would do better, our kids do better, and it is just a matter of creating the right atmosphere for that change to allow it to happen. but there are aspects of sarah I don't completely trust. She wants a good life but plays games even she isn't aware of. Judy and the good side of Sarah fit well together, but Sarah has I side that seems put on and sneaky.
Sarah has the problem of hopeless depression and addiction and looking for any kind of escape to be able to cope with her life, and Judy being depressed and lazy because of that, and making the minimum effort to fix things, and in me depression from having to put up with being so hammered down with no apparent help, and apathy, which is why we all need each other for the missing elements we each lack. We have what Sarah needs, and she has what we both need, and the tension in not expressing what is felt under the surface is a burden as well. But life can be complicated.
I can't trust Sarah not to take Judy's pills, or Judy not to overtake and abuse them herself. I shouldn't have to be the pill police, but I am. I want more than anything to cure them both so they get that part of themselves back, but that is so much easier said than done.
That takes work, to be a friend to them both and deal with and accept their addiction, and to do so without getting what I need, which is either one or both of them riding me or my face down in them. That may sound crude, but I love my wife, and love sex with her, but just hate this way I see her live life, and I can't help it if being around Sarah has made me find things I love in her as well, because I know what her heart feels and what is inside her. She has so much in common with Judy that if I didn't love that stuff in Sarah how could I say I love my wife?
So it is all now like a waiting game, and will take work. I am in a hole that I can't just work my way out of, and in fear every time I turn the key because of complications from a lack of money and bad fortune. But most of it is circumstantial, a result of living in a hellhole of a place. Take these two women to a farm and environment where people are still decent and they would both simply shine, my son as well, and her kids, too. Getting there is the hard part.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Truth
Judy gave Sarah a letter about the little things that keep vanishing and Sarah was beside herself. She's been taking a little of this, a little of that, usually pills, mostly because without them she gets sick, is addicted, just like Judy, and is trapped in a bad life with shit for a husband, gets mentally and emotionally abused, oh, and did I say "trapped"?
She's in love with me to a degree, and would like to be a lover, with me there and with Judy, although together and alone they are more friends, so I would be the aspect that expands the bed like I'd want. I want more than that to expand our family, because she and the girls fit and complete her life like we complete hers and theirs, and are all better for each other together. But I also know Judy would have a hard time accepting that.
I see why she takes, because she is too ashamed to keep asking and is in need and has no other sources and stays where she is for her girls.
But she needs to get out from where she is, the life she is stuck in, and the best place is with us, and it would benefit us as well, so everyone would win.
Life is still crazy, work still sucks and I still feel trapped myself.
Judy has her digestive system working again, but if everything stays normal she'll be back in the hospital in two to three months again, or sooner.
I just need a vacation from my life.
I think we all could use a vacation.
But I have to fight, and keep fighting....
such is life....
She's in love with me to a degree, and would like to be a lover, with me there and with Judy, although together and alone they are more friends, so I would be the aspect that expands the bed like I'd want. I want more than that to expand our family, because she and the girls fit and complete her life like we complete hers and theirs, and are all better for each other together. But I also know Judy would have a hard time accepting that.
I see why she takes, because she is too ashamed to keep asking and is in need and has no other sources and stays where she is for her girls.
But she needs to get out from where she is, the life she is stuck in, and the best place is with us, and it would benefit us as well, so everyone would win.
Life is still crazy, work still sucks and I still feel trapped myself.
Judy has her digestive system working again, but if everything stays normal she'll be back in the hospital in two to three months again, or sooner.
I just need a vacation from my life.
I think we all could use a vacation.
But I have to fight, and keep fighting....
such is life....
Sunday, June 7, 2009
It's like I'm at war on every front. Fighting to get our dog back because of Wanda's bullshit, having the prosecutor do dirty and my attorney not fighting like I thought she would and being over a barrel due to my past and that shit, Sarah stealing little things and having to hide pills because of her, then she acts all hurt and defensive when you call her on it. No work out there, little money, just so much shit.
Judy acts usually from depression, and Sarah acts from desperation, and Steph is insecure and seeking escapes, but it is how they deal with things that really pisses me off, and I can speak from the higher ground in these areas and really don't judge them, but don't know how to fix my wife, or them, and get them right or help them get to where they want to be, both in their heads or reality. I can't fix Alex's anger problem, and Judy undermines me and my authority like all the time.
Judy needs to get off the mother-fucking pity-pot and push on and DO things, and Sarah needs to stand up for herself, stop hunting pills, make Chris get a job and treat her like a priority instead of dirt, and admit what her truths are, and stop lifting things making the excuse to herself of need and that others can spare what she needs to get by. Steph needs to buck up, leave the pills alone, realize her father needs to be responsible for his own anger, and build her future. Alex needs to learn how to apply himself to work and let go of anger, and I need to learn how to cope better and find solutions and not let all that effect me. Poor Darryl needs to leave his damn wife alone and control his temper. Amanda needs to leave her sperm donor by the wayside and apply herself to college. She'll let him back then see her mistake down the line, because he plays her. Diane manages her mess with a smile on her face, but her husband is shit as well, but she is used to dealing with it. It seems that so many people I know have serious problems, and I don't remember problems like these in the lives of myself or my firends back in Virginia or Jersey.
Money would solve a lot. A farmhouse and a king size bed even more if I could get Judy to share my views on sex, marriage, friendship and life, but good luck with that one. If those two get truly honest and start working hard for an amazing life instead of drifting by in survival mode I'd be a happy camper. Things have, Judy has, brought me to that mode to a degree myself. She doesn't see how her sloth and giving in to depression and pain has made so much get worse and us lose so much, or how it gets, for me, like building a sandcastle below the wave line. It gets frustrating. But I don't think she sees or believes it, and we are very different. I had my views before I met her and made those views clear.
Everyone needs a shot of real honesty and motivation.
Sarah is all over here when she is in need, but no where to be found when we need her. That sucks. That also tells me we have to watch out for her. She does stupid things, and one day we will get burned for it.
I had a neighbor do something nice for me without asking the other day. My mower is broke and he cut my front lawn. That's something out of my book. But there's just too little of that, or any real reward for me to lay claim to happiness.
Judy acts usually from depression, and Sarah acts from desperation, and Steph is insecure and seeking escapes, but it is how they deal with things that really pisses me off, and I can speak from the higher ground in these areas and really don't judge them, but don't know how to fix my wife, or them, and get them right or help them get to where they want to be, both in their heads or reality. I can't fix Alex's anger problem, and Judy undermines me and my authority like all the time.
Judy needs to get off the mother-fucking pity-pot and push on and DO things, and Sarah needs to stand up for herself, stop hunting pills, make Chris get a job and treat her like a priority instead of dirt, and admit what her truths are, and stop lifting things making the excuse to herself of need and that others can spare what she needs to get by. Steph needs to buck up, leave the pills alone, realize her father needs to be responsible for his own anger, and build her future. Alex needs to learn how to apply himself to work and let go of anger, and I need to learn how to cope better and find solutions and not let all that effect me. Poor Darryl needs to leave his damn wife alone and control his temper. Amanda needs to leave her sperm donor by the wayside and apply herself to college. She'll let him back then see her mistake down the line, because he plays her. Diane manages her mess with a smile on her face, but her husband is shit as well, but she is used to dealing with it. It seems that so many people I know have serious problems, and I don't remember problems like these in the lives of myself or my firends back in Virginia or Jersey.
Money would solve a lot. A farmhouse and a king size bed even more if I could get Judy to share my views on sex, marriage, friendship and life, but good luck with that one. If those two get truly honest and start working hard for an amazing life instead of drifting by in survival mode I'd be a happy camper. Things have, Judy has, brought me to that mode to a degree myself. She doesn't see how her sloth and giving in to depression and pain has made so much get worse and us lose so much, or how it gets, for me, like building a sandcastle below the wave line. It gets frustrating. But I don't think she sees or believes it, and we are very different. I had my views before I met her and made those views clear.
Everyone needs a shot of real honesty and motivation.
Sarah is all over here when she is in need, but no where to be found when we need her. That sucks. That also tells me we have to watch out for her. She does stupid things, and one day we will get burned for it.
I had a neighbor do something nice for me without asking the other day. My mower is broke and he cut my front lawn. That's something out of my book. But there's just too little of that, or any real reward for me to lay claim to happiness.
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