It Just Takes a Leap of Faith
I didn't plan or choose the life I have, it just kinda evolved. I didn't set out to feel about things the way I do, I just do. I didn't plan to love how I love, but everything just sort of evolved the way it did and I have to be honest about how I feel and why. Overall, I really am a very decent guy with a loving heart, and I do get angry when things go down in ways I know are destructive or wrong. Maybe I express things in ways others may not like, but how I see it talking usually gets me nowhere, and I admit I get frustrated and angry, but I have good insight and am motivated to make things better. I am sad and depressed at how things are, and am sick of being a breast of burden trying to create good things and watching things go so wrong sometimes, and not getting the rewards I feel I deserve. I shut down myself, and feel like I have answers that would work if my viewpoints were taken to heart and some of my suggestions listened to.
I have an ability to see solutions but feel trapped by my life and circumstances, and just don't have the power, ability, or will to make the changes even in myself because I feel like I just don't get the support or respect I deserve or need, and the way things have been going aren't making any progress anyway, so maybe my ideas on how life should be should be tried. In any event, with the way things are, it wouldn't hurt to at least try my approach to life.
I'll start with myself. I am arrogant to a degree, and my anger comes from frustration. Alex needs a strong, steady, firm hand and to have consistent limits set and imposed. Every time Judy has been in the hospital things come together and he obeys. It is because he knows he has no choice. When Judy gives him a means to escape his responsibilities he will exercise it every time. it enables him to act badly, and that needs to stop. That means when something gets said it has to be followed, right or wrong. That also means, even though it is distasteful and difficult, he gets punished swiftly and severely when he steps out of line.
That also includes his comments and when he shows his attitude. There is always time for compromise and discussion once he is obedient.
That getting done would be a great start, and has to be a starting point. So much of the drama is rooted there, and while difficult, I see no other way to get him to act properly.
I have no option and can't give an inch when he takes a mile every time he gets one. Rewards must be earned, and not given because he demands it or will let up when he gets his way.
I also know I need to put more effort into work, but I am so in fear over everything, and things aren't easy right now. It has brought me down and without getting what I know I need things won't change anytime soon.
The next thing is the medical and psychological damages that keep compounding from the depression and dysfunction in this house. Judy normally stays on the couch until 11 or 12 or 1 almost daily, and more times than not every time I leave and come home, tired and beat from work, the house is in worse shape than when I left. That turns me into a jerk, but every time I ask nicely for a change or try to say how I feel, I get shut down or get excuses.
Paula, Carmelo's wife, was in and accident where they didn't know if she was even going to walk again and lives in pain, but she, without pills, fought back against that and takes care of a big house. Judy and Sarah both get on the pity-pot and let pain beat them, making excuses and it hurts those around them and makes even more problems. I do understand how they feel, I live in pain myself, but can fight back against it, especially when I am getting what I need and don't feel alone in trying.
Two women share so much, flaws and strengths and attributes I love, but the need for pills and excuses and justifications just infuriate me to no end.
I also know I can be a pain in the ass about expressing how I feel about having an expanded marriage, but I have looked at it from all sides and it makes sense.
I can't help it that I want sex and romance and closeness at the level I do, and that I feel if passion was made more of a standing priority that things would work better, but they would.
Tonight I caught Judy crushing up pills in the bathroom, same things she bitches about in Sarah, and Judy complains that Sarah just sleeps in, but she does the same thing. Catching her crushing up pills was like catching a crackhead with a pipe. How do I overlook that? Why shouldn't that make me angry? I would have been in the right if I slapped he in the face and called her a junkie, because it IS the same thing. Sarah and Judy are both addicted, and it is also a major root of the problems they have.
And Judy called it right about Trinity, with her attitude and spoiled crying all the time. I know Sarah is overburdened and depressed and stressed out, but that girl needs discipline, and she gets no help from Chris, who is stealing happiness and the future of those girls.
I'd love to have one big house and the permission and role of being the final word. There needs to be that kind of authority for both women, and if they got it they would both heal and eventually there wouldn't be a need for that role.
Sarah having taken pills, Judy not controlling her medication, or overusing. All the cards and opinions held private. I could go on, even about myself, but we all know most of what is wrong.
The expression "too many chiefs, not enough Indians" comes to mind.
The other problem is the misconceptions and half-truths and lies about feelings. It is clear that I love my wife, and that I love Sarah. I can't help that, and I honestly, from the pit of my soul, believe that one big house and a life shared is better for all of us.
Sarah loves both Judy and I, and wants to see Judy and I sharing a good relationship and doesn't want to hurt Judy, so she carries those feelings for me in secret, and if Judy was open to it and accepted it without it taking away from their friendship, would allow those feeling to get expressed. The other issues are in her own life, and her blind love for Chris, even though he is an asshole and puts others and drugs before her. Sarah will offer up what she thinks Judy wants to hear to protect that friendship. I admire that, but at the end of the day that is living a lie, and that never works well anyway.
I might be heavy, but Judy also used that as an excuse, because I am not that heavy that sex should be so limited, denied, or conditional. Romance and sex heal relationships. They strengthen them. Sarah is bi, and is a little attracted to Judy but sees her more of a friend first. Judy is much more straight. But if we all had passion and tender physical connections we'd all have much less stress and would be more tied to each other.
And if I am too heavy for Judy to desire (which is silly because she was the same back when I weighed 220), then by all means she has my permission to get some playmate. But this gets back to laying up 12 hours a day for both. You have to force yourself up, even if you don't want to. I get up, but lose motivation whenever I look at her just laying out all day, and then she's almost always complaining, and the fact that she has a complete lack of humility.
Just tonight she was in the bathroom and I took a break from writing and had changed the tv station, and she came in bitching in the most nasty manner. If she had asked nicely, I'd change the station back in a heartbeat. But she's too often a complete nasty bitch. Alex gets that from her but she'll never see it in a million years. I try to nicely and calmly explain it and she bitches and cuts me off. It is that nasty demanding self-righteous attitude that ruins so much.
Things just escalate, even in me, whenever I start with simple requests or ask something and get no response, I wind up so frustrated because it falls upon deaf ears. and simple things that should be done don't get done, and Judy wonders why I get angry. The house stays a mess, dishes take days to get done, and even the most simple things remain undone or nasty, and I'm painted as the bad guy for complaining about it.
Then even in Sarah, she shows up when she needs something, especially when she needs pills, makes promises and breaks them, and Judy and I both don't trust her not to steal when she is in need. We understand she has a good heart and acts from desperation, but damn.
But she has to deal with Chris and Bridget, being in pain and addicted to pills, being always broke and never having what he wants, and burdened with kids and usually no help. I'm amazed that she keeps it together as good as she does.
Now I could go on and on about our problems, all of us, me included, but I'd rather concentrate on the solutions.
First, my own house has to be in order. Alex needs to learn to tow the line and obey, and once that is in place, many of the problems we face and stress we have would vanish. He even hits Judy, because he just doesn't respect her. That is mostly because she is always seeking a compromise and won't be stern like she needs to, and won't follow through, and fights me when I get forceful with him because she is deluded into thinking a soft approach will work with him.
It does when he wants to or sees reward in it. She gives a kids with a child's mind adult rights, and that doesn't work. He gets resentful, and the root problems stem from her depression and lack of humility. She wants to talk about so much, but it is always a series of justifications of excuses.
If I had the support I needed I could do so well, but I just don't have it in me to fight that fight anymore. I could fight, but until that is fixed I'm fighting a losing battle.
Now when she and Sarah both start working together they compensate for and motivate each other, and function better. I am attracted to them both and love them both, and can't help that, and I'm a much better male role model than Chris, so the girls would do much better with me there instead. I also am finally getting more respect and control where the addiction problems are concerned.
Judy finally relented and has admitted she can't control her addiction or usage, and that has fixed things some, but it needs to be on a better level until they can do it for themselves.
That means that they have to give me control in that area, and under one roof getting them working together they would have much more power over their lives than they do now. They make a great team most of the time.
That means that Sarah has to openly admit how she feels and let go of the life she is trapped in that hold her down and back and Judy has to accept Sarah and I as part of a shared life. That's a hard pill to swallow, even for Judy. There is a selfish part of me that wants them both as lovers, but I want more than that companionship and to better my role as the male aspect and leader of a extended family.
That also means letting go of selfishness and jealousy. Judy claims she's not, but she is. No one wants to feel like their mate needs someone else, that they can't be everything, but I look at it pragmatically. Judy also puts conditions on love and lovemaking that I don't.
It would mean that both would have to accept the idea of being co-wives, and if they saw it like I did for a second and were honest enough they couldn't help but admit it. Social conditioning tells them it isn't normal, but there is no normal and tribal families often work much better than "traditional" ones. Much of the world works that way, and it works well.
Sarah has a heavy burden with four girls, and Judy easily fills in when Sarah needs a break, and Sarah can get through to Alex where Judy and I can't. It just makes sense.
It boils down to us all needing each other and needing a change.
Posted by Busheat at 8:58 PM 0 comments
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It Just Takes a Leap of Faith
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Skot David Wilson
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Thursday, December 30, 2010
love romance sex and passion
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Went and got my license, so now at least I don't go to jail for driving. I thought I'd have more fixed by now, and Judy is slow to recover and her bitch attitude surfaces too much, and Alex needs to be forced to deal with what is expected of him and she won't force him cause she doesn't want the fight and yet fights me and steals my authority and undermines me and doesn't see it. At least now I can get him in school. Judy might get better in time when it comes to this, she just won't take a stand with Alex and come down hard on him, and it is what he needs.
Steph is in bad shape. As I expected the sheets are gone, and her dog is a pain in the ass to have here, but I'm going to try one more time in three waves.
First is, now that I found her and she came here, and even though she's still making excuses, if she doesn't come around I'm going to trace her down again, get her to come over, and steal her keys so she's stuck here, and get her brother over here as well. Her friend Nina is afraid for her, so I can get some help there as well.
Steph after that is maybe doing what her dad tried and marchman acting her. But we'll try that ourselves first, and I need Kenny in on it as well or it might be doomed.
I gave her the condition that she comes to us every day to check in, and think now that she sees even though she fucked up we're there, she might give it a good effort for once. She's used to having people bail on her, but I can't let that happen to her.
Judy is still down on the couch more than she is on me. I want a woman who will sneak up behind me, grab my dick, and lead me by it to her body and acts like she wants to share love and pleasure with me.
I'm NOT going to be nice until she does anymore. I've expressed how I feel about it, and remain denied. She says she loves me, but to me doesn't show it. And yes, it takes sex as part of that.
That other thing is getting Alex right. Now I can get him to school, so now we will search for one.
I haven't sen Amanda, and just saw Diane. She needs to start paying more.
Zoe is slow to pay, but was right on time today with $60 she owed me which is exactly what my driving restoration cost me. I need to talk to Henry as well, and Darryl and Gerald can't find work. The economy sucks right now. I'm owed three grand almost.
But at least now I feel safe about getting around...
that should start fixing things.
Posted by Busheat at 4:47 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
I overspent doing the kitchen and making loans, but we'll get through it. Judy cost me $300 in pills, or better, really more like $400, and at least that in smokes and to go food, but she will soon bitch about things with no fault going her way.
I need to work, but my shoulder and knee and elbow are fucked and fucked royal, and I can't. I didn't cause the problems either. I fell and hurt my knee in an overcrowded holding cell for an arrest that was wrongful, and on a bus that hit a van and sent me forward into the next seat and tearing something drastic in my elbow and shoulder. I can't lift with my left arm over midchest and my knee keeps giving out.
So now I can't work and the offers I've had I can't do. I had to hire darryl to do things I normally could. That sucks.
Judy says she understands, but I wonder.
Steph took off again, with a carload of sheets that were $180 in cost and $300 sold, or $120 profit. She's messed up and getting worse running away from things. When I get my license I'll track her down.
This will be her last chance.
Judy is still couchy grouchy, and Alex defiannt and Judy promotes that with how she acts and what she allows and doesn't see it. She's quick to make me a bad guy and doesn't see that either.
Meanwhile, I'm left untouched and inloved, and I'm not helping her much anymore until she starts treating me like I deserve.
Helene and darryl are together a lot, but Darryl takes that for granted, mostly because he can't let go of his ex and can't deal with pushing past that pain, and denys it. She would be good for him, and they can have an open thing and she'd stay right there with him. Why does he get the luck? If I had it like that I'd have life on the terms I wanted them for years and knew long ago and liked and thrived on.
Things will work. I feel it, it just might take some time. I just hope my body heals so I can get back to work.
Posted by Busheat at 11:32 AM 0 comments
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Judy had emergency surgery and had part of here colon removed, and Steph is staying here to get her shit together. Maybe Judy will start getting better now. maybe, I hope, she will start to act like a normal woman and wife, and not be so sick, but pills and depression and sucky attitude don't change overnight.
Steph has a pill problem, but I have to try to do what I can to save her before she loses everything, including herself. She's on a bad path, and whatever tools I need to employ I have to to fix her as well, or I am fearful her depression, lack of self-esteem and insecurity, and addiction will turn her into a street person.
Her father has turned his back on her, and besides, he's a dick anyway, but her circle of friends are nothing but worthless. They steal and do pills. She needs real friends, to get back into college, learn how and why to love and give herself to someone, and find a decent guy, and not crutches and excuses.
I had a passing thought a few times when I saw her like I did Sarah a little, but she's got too much of "high school drama" still going on. I don't care about young or old, I look at heart and attitude and other factors. I don't think age should be so important in relationships, and older women and men can teach younger women and men much with casual relationships and intimacy, and we place too much emphasis on things we use to deny intimacy when it can be a good and productive thing.
Judy needs to do that just to maybe remember what it is she should be giving me. I'd love to send her on a weekend with some younger cute guy just so she can remember what unrestricted passion can do for her own self. Wonder if I could get darryl to take her to the woods and fuck the shit out of her. I'll trade and take Helene for a weekend, at least I'd have sex and get a clean house in the process. Helene already has said that she wishes Darryl was more like me in more than a few ways.
I really think when people are stuck with someone that they wind up getting taken for granted, and that is something that damages everyone.
I try to talk to darryl, but he's got some of that Westside redneck thing going on and can't help it, and he's been hurt so he isn't going to give up his fuckbuddy friends, and I told him he just needs to hook up with helene and if he wants to have the other girls as well take her along and threesome out. She'd go for that in a heartbeat, and she's a good girl despite how much she's suffered and how her son dying has hurt her.
I want something much different that what the Southern mind is apt to accept as normal, maybe because I grew up so liberal and free-spirited and had that. It works best for me, for my beliefs, which I have to deny all the time and be judged for.
Open mind, open heart, open bed, open life...
Besides Alex, my happiest was when I had that, when life held little restrictive aspects, and jealous ownership was not in the equation.
I also know that Judy needs a close openminded and spirited girlfriend and that would motivate her. She has no close or consistent friends, and that is not my fault.
She does better, and if she has to bend my way a little for or with that so what. The benefits to her would outweigh her living things my way more than hers, at least at times.
And she thinks it's only a sexual thing, but it's not that or mental or anything other than spiritual to me. Sex is the perk, the emotional and mental health benefits of intense and intimate closeness is the reward there. Sarah wanted that and Judy was too close minded and against me to even realize that if Judy gave a green light to it Sarah would have joined us in a heartbeat, and came to me with that because she knew I wanted that and Judy was always so critical and stupidly thought that she was right.
Sarah placed the friendship with Judy high at that point, and lied about how she felt as a result, and it is emotional dishonesty like that that causes distress and complications. If Sarah spoke her heart and mind and came clean about her wanting to share our bed and life, Judy would have to face things on those terms, and it could have worked and worked well, but her walls are high, and she is blind sometimes.
And even if I gave Judy everything she wanted out of me I'd still be mostly celibate, denied too much, and left unfulfilled and unhappy.
So now I just hope she gets well so I'm at least 60% satisfied.
It's like riding to work every day on a bike that keeps breaking down in a world of mass transit and cars. I'm stuck in the rain, flat tire and chain off, while everyone else rides along in comfort. That's how I feel.
And that sad part is there's a good car in the driveway and she won't take the keys out of her purse.
Posted by Busheat at 8:59 AM 0 comments
Monday, November 2, 2009
My son had an "episode" where he was using a knife on a stick to put holes in his bedroom wall and I spanked him and he got a tiny bump om his head, and stupid ass called the cops, and then when they came and were about to leave had to volunteer that he and I had an "altercation", so guess who goes to jail!
Charges were dropped, and Alex thinks he can say or do whatever he wants and she never really backs me up, instead treats me like I'm the bad guy and challenges me in front of him over everything, so he doesn't obey worth a damn.
She is so concerned about keeping the peace that her stupidity sets up nothing but wars, and she's too blind to see it.
So, now I'm broke, lost a job I was going to do, and electric is about to go off, and I'm hurt from a fall in jail. It's like she's out to undermine me, and wakes up off the couch just to bark out orders or bitch....
Meanwhile, I stay without sex or romance or tenderness or love, I am never approached, and then she wonders why I'm frustrated and bitch.
So if anything comes my way I won't pass it up, because to me I feel my life, or a big part of it, has been wasted waiting for her to wake up. When she gets sick and needs me or fucks up her pills, our lives, and hits the wall then she's like "I love you, I need you", and as soon as she's feeling better it's back to blaming me for everything and denying me any type of real emotional or physical love and satisfaction and comfort.
I don't go looking for it, and I should, but I won't pass up something I'd do if I was single anymore. I've passed up more pussy than any healthy unloved male should. She puts conditions on love and lovemaking, so fuck that.
Besides, I need hour or three long lovemaking sessions, not the quickie or to hear "I hurt" when any normal healthy woman wouldn't.
If she is keeping it from me and knows I need it she should be at least trying to make sure I get a little of what I need, and mostly that is a feeling of appreciation.
She needs to get in shape and fix herself, and her depression has made me depressed and I've lost much of the will to try anymore, because it seems so one sided.
At least WalMart wants to finish up and pay, ten grand but what the hell, I need it now.
Even a sunny day is sad to me. I want my happy spark back, but how do I find it in all these clouds?
Posted by Busheat at 3:43 AM 0 comments
Saturday, September 19, 2009
I was right, I had Chris busted for stealing shopping carts, which he was cutting up to sell for scrap to buy drugs, which is bad, period, and Sarah isn't speaking to us. Even if that destroyed the friendship, it will be better for the girls in the long run, and maybe better for Sarah if she ever gathers the courage and sense to leave Chris.
Alex still isn't in school. He won't do even basics, and once I'm legal to drive again I can fix that, but everything takes time when you're as far behind as we are.
I hope he gets past this phase, but I feel it will last a little while.
And Judy needs to get better, fast. Something is wrong with her digestive system, aggrivated by pills, but nothing I say or do changes anything.
Whatever is wrong with her needs surgery I think. I only hope it doesn't destroy her.
I want her well, but again nothing I say ever seems to matter.
Meanwhile, I wait, lonely, celibate for the most part, watching my best years fade in sadness, and what I want to make me happy never materializes.
If she had it in her to approach me, seduce me, woo and romance me, I might feel different, but it has been years, and I'm mostly resigned to the fact that she just doesn't know how to give herself completely to anyone, at least me anyway.
It takes that, there isn't any real devotion going on there. There has to be a willingness to lose yourself to find your partner, and what is best within yourself. But all the talk about everything to make it there is just that, and I am sick and now unable to be giving on that level without it coming my way first.
Posted by Busheat at 11:49 PM 0 comments
Monday, July 27, 2009
Basics
Love is a powerful driving force. Twenty years of marriage and I'm still in love. There have been times when the love was still there but the "in love" wasn't, and the "in love" is the romance that goes with love, and naturally the sex gets thin, but passion is the factor that gives it all a second breath, allows the faith and hope that goes with a relationship to clean the slate and try again.
When you love someone you take the bad with the good. So many people just cash out like the people they claimed love for are disposable, which they aren't.
I wish my wife would back up and realize just how much I love her. She pisses me off a lot, mostly over two things. First is Alex. She's too soft and empowers him in the wrong ways sometimes. She says he acts like me when he gets upset, but what she allows and says empowers him to act out. I set hard limits because he needs them, then she'll question me when I discipline him. The other thing is what I need in romance, tenderness, and sexuality. She gets upset about me wanting as much as I do and to include more than her, but I've always been like that and she knows it. If she knew that going in she should give me at least a taste of what I want every once in a while.
The best gifts she can give me is to hold the line on Alex when she needs to and to bring another person to our bed every so often and to not make me go too long without. It isn't fair to me.
If I'm made happy like that, she'd find that I'd be happier and my being happy drives me to do more, which means I'd do more for and be better for and with her.
It's not as if I want something other than her without her. I want her as part of anything, and that should flatter her.
I want us to sqing a little or maybe find a friend/lover or couple to share friendship and a little sex with. Sarah would be an option, but I don't completely trust her. It would be nice to have her and the girls as part of one big family, but Sarah has her head stuck up Chris' ass and she steals and is fucked up on pills and a lack of self-esteem. But I think Sarah has been hurt so much and has such low self-esteem and expectations that she'll eventually betray us.
I think of what other women would be nice to add, because I just don't want a sex toy. I want a lover and friend she and I can share. I'd like someone closer to us in age and background, and for Judy to have a friend she want to share everything with, which includes me.
Amanda I like as well and can see like that, her age aside, she is more mature than many women older than her. If it was just a sex need I'd go for it and keep it to mysef, but it's more. There's nothing better than intimate friendships and to share them with the person you love. And if you really love someone you try to give them what they want, despite what you want or like. I do that for Judy more than she knows. A life of fidelity is my doing just that, especially when fidelity means celibacy. That steals from me in more ways than she will ever care to understand.
Now just because I feel that way about others doesn't mean that I don't love Judy, it reinforces it. What I love in other women and see in them is what I see or want to have more of in Judy. How I can deny what I want or feel or who I am and then say I'm happy?
As for Alex, he needs rules and to have them applied strictly, getting what he wants only after he complies, but she doesn't want to fight him so sets rules them allows him to slide. If I can cure her of that I can get him in line. Alex needs to comply with our wishes, but she contests me on near about everything, and I don't think she sees it. Whenever I try to explain things, she says I'm making justifications and excuses, but I know what I'm talking about.
So that is where those things are in basics. I have a heavy job keeping everything together.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Went and got my license, so now at least I don't go to jail for driving. I thought I'd have more fixed by now, and Judy is slow to recover and her bitch attitude surfaces too much, and Alex needs to be forced to deal with what is expected of him and she won't force him cause she doesn't want the fight and yet fights me and steals my authority and undermines me and doesn't see it. At least now I can get him in school. Judy might get better in time when it comes to this, she just won't take a stand with Alex and come down hard on him, and it is what he needs.
Steph is in bad shape. As I expected the sheets are gone, and her dog is a pain in the ass to have here, but I'm going to try one more time in three waves.
First is, now that I found her and she came here, and even though she's still making excuses, if she doesn't come around I'm going to trace her down again, get her to come over, and steal her keys so she's stuck here, and get her brother over here as well. Her friend Nina is afraid for her, so I can get some help there as well.
Steph after that is maybe doing what her dad tried and marchman acting her. But we'll try that ourselves first, and I need Kenny in on it as well or it might be doomed.
I gave her the condition that she comes to us every day to check in, and think now that she sees even though she fucked up we're there, she might give it a good effort for once. She's used to having people bail on her, but I can't let that happen to her.
Judy is still down on the couch more than she is on me. I want a woman who will sneak up behind me, grab my dick, and lead me by it to her body and acts like she wants to share love and pleasure with me.
I'm NOT going to be nice until she does anymore. I've expressed how I feel about it, and remain denied. She says she loves me, but to me doesn't show it. And yes, it takes sex as part of that.
That other thing is getting Alex right. Now I can get him to school, so now we will search for one.
I haven't sen Amanda, and just saw Diane. She needs to start paying more.
Zoe is slow to pay, but was right on time today with $60 she owed me which is exactly what my driving restoration cost me. I need to talk to Henry as well, and Darryl and Gerald can't find work. The economy sucks right now. I'm owed three grand almost.
But at least now I feel safe about getting around...
that should start fixing things.
Posted by Busheat at 4:47 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
I overspent doing the kitchen and making loans, but we'll get through it. Judy cost me $300 in pills, or better, really more like $400, and at least that in smokes and to go food, but she will soon bitch about things with no fault going her way.
I need to work, but my shoulder and knee and elbow are fucked and fucked royal, and I can't. I didn't cause the problems either. I fell and hurt my knee in an overcrowded holding cell for an arrest that was wrongful, and on a bus that hit a van and sent me forward into the next seat and tearing something drastic in my elbow and shoulder. I can't lift with my left arm over midchest and my knee keeps giving out.
So now I can't work and the offers I've had I can't do. I had to hire darryl to do things I normally could. That sucks.
Judy says she understands, but I wonder.
Steph took off again, with a carload of sheets that were $180 in cost and $300 sold, or $120 profit. She's messed up and getting worse running away from things. When I get my license I'll track her down.
This will be her last chance.
Judy is still couchy grouchy, and Alex defiannt and Judy promotes that with how she acts and what she allows and doesn't see it. She's quick to make me a bad guy and doesn't see that either.
Meanwhile, I'm left untouched and inloved, and I'm not helping her much anymore until she starts treating me like I deserve.
Helene and darryl are together a lot, but Darryl takes that for granted, mostly because he can't let go of his ex and can't deal with pushing past that pain, and denys it. She would be good for him, and they can have an open thing and she'd stay right there with him. Why does he get the luck? If I had it like that I'd have life on the terms I wanted them for years and knew long ago and liked and thrived on.
Things will work. I feel it, it just might take some time. I just hope my body heals so I can get back to work.
Posted by Busheat at 11:32 AM 0 comments
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Judy had emergency surgery and had part of here colon removed, and Steph is staying here to get her shit together. Maybe Judy will start getting better now. maybe, I hope, she will start to act like a normal woman and wife, and not be so sick, but pills and depression and sucky attitude don't change overnight.
Steph has a pill problem, but I have to try to do what I can to save her before she loses everything, including herself. She's on a bad path, and whatever tools I need to employ I have to to fix her as well, or I am fearful her depression, lack of self-esteem and insecurity, and addiction will turn her into a street person.
Her father has turned his back on her, and besides, he's a dick anyway, but her circle of friends are nothing but worthless. They steal and do pills. She needs real friends, to get back into college, learn how and why to love and give herself to someone, and find a decent guy, and not crutches and excuses.
I had a passing thought a few times when I saw her like I did Sarah a little, but she's got too much of "high school drama" still going on. I don't care about young or old, I look at heart and attitude and other factors. I don't think age should be so important in relationships, and older women and men can teach younger women and men much with casual relationships and intimacy, and we place too much emphasis on things we use to deny intimacy when it can be a good and productive thing.
Judy needs to do that just to maybe remember what it is she should be giving me. I'd love to send her on a weekend with some younger cute guy just so she can remember what unrestricted passion can do for her own self. Wonder if I could get darryl to take her to the woods and fuck the shit out of her. I'll trade and take Helene for a weekend, at least I'd have sex and get a clean house in the process. Helene already has said that she wishes Darryl was more like me in more than a few ways.
I really think when people are stuck with someone that they wind up getting taken for granted, and that is something that damages everyone.
I try to talk to darryl, but he's got some of that Westside redneck thing going on and can't help it, and he's been hurt so he isn't going to give up his fuckbuddy friends, and I told him he just needs to hook up with helene and if he wants to have the other girls as well take her along and threesome out. She'd go for that in a heartbeat, and she's a good girl despite how much she's suffered and how her son dying has hurt her.
I want something much different that what the Southern mind is apt to accept as normal, maybe because I grew up so liberal and free-spirited and had that. It works best for me, for my beliefs, which I have to deny all the time and be judged for.
Open mind, open heart, open bed, open life...
Besides Alex, my happiest was when I had that, when life held little restrictive aspects, and jealous ownership was not in the equation.
I also know that Judy needs a close openminded and spirited girlfriend and that would motivate her. She has no close or consistent friends, and that is not my fault.
She does better, and if she has to bend my way a little for or with that so what. The benefits to her would outweigh her living things my way more than hers, at least at times.
And she thinks it's only a sexual thing, but it's not that or mental or anything other than spiritual to me. Sex is the perk, the emotional and mental health benefits of intense and intimate closeness is the reward there. Sarah wanted that and Judy was too close minded and against me to even realize that if Judy gave a green light to it Sarah would have joined us in a heartbeat, and came to me with that because she knew I wanted that and Judy was always so critical and stupidly thought that she was right.
Sarah placed the friendship with Judy high at that point, and lied about how she felt as a result, and it is emotional dishonesty like that that causes distress and complications. If Sarah spoke her heart and mind and came clean about her wanting to share our bed and life, Judy would have to face things on those terms, and it could have worked and worked well, but her walls are high, and she is blind sometimes.
And even if I gave Judy everything she wanted out of me I'd still be mostly celibate, denied too much, and left unfulfilled and unhappy.
So now I just hope she gets well so I'm at least 60% satisfied.
It's like riding to work every day on a bike that keeps breaking down in a world of mass transit and cars. I'm stuck in the rain, flat tire and chain off, while everyone else rides along in comfort. That's how I feel.
And that sad part is there's a good car in the driveway and she won't take the keys out of her purse.
Posted by Busheat at 8:59 AM 0 comments
Monday, November 2, 2009
My son had an "episode" where he was using a knife on a stick to put holes in his bedroom wall and I spanked him and he got a tiny bump om his head, and stupid ass called the cops, and then when they came and were about to leave had to volunteer that he and I had an "altercation", so guess who goes to jail!
Charges were dropped, and Alex thinks he can say or do whatever he wants and she never really backs me up, instead treats me like I'm the bad guy and challenges me in front of him over everything, so he doesn't obey worth a damn.
She is so concerned about keeping the peace that her stupidity sets up nothing but wars, and she's too blind to see it.
So, now I'm broke, lost a job I was going to do, and electric is about to go off, and I'm hurt from a fall in jail. It's like she's out to undermine me, and wakes up off the couch just to bark out orders or bitch....
Meanwhile, I stay without sex or romance or tenderness or love, I am never approached, and then she wonders why I'm frustrated and bitch.
So if anything comes my way I won't pass it up, because to me I feel my life, or a big part of it, has been wasted waiting for her to wake up. When she gets sick and needs me or fucks up her pills, our lives, and hits the wall then she's like "I love you, I need you", and as soon as she's feeling better it's back to blaming me for everything and denying me any type of real emotional or physical love and satisfaction and comfort.
I don't go looking for it, and I should, but I won't pass up something I'd do if I was single anymore. I've passed up more pussy than any healthy unloved male should. She puts conditions on love and lovemaking, so fuck that.
Besides, I need hour or three long lovemaking sessions, not the quickie or to hear "I hurt" when any normal healthy woman wouldn't.
If she is keeping it from me and knows I need it she should be at least trying to make sure I get a little of what I need, and mostly that is a feeling of appreciation.
She needs to get in shape and fix herself, and her depression has made me depressed and I've lost much of the will to try anymore, because it seems so one sided.
At least WalMart wants to finish up and pay, ten grand but what the hell, I need it now.
Even a sunny day is sad to me. I want my happy spark back, but how do I find it in all these clouds?
Posted by Busheat at 3:43 AM 0 comments
Saturday, September 19, 2009
I was right, I had Chris busted for stealing shopping carts, which he was cutting up to sell for scrap to buy drugs, which is bad, period, and Sarah isn't speaking to us. Even if that destroyed the friendship, it will be better for the girls in the long run, and maybe better for Sarah if she ever gathers the courage and sense to leave Chris.
Alex still isn't in school. He won't do even basics, and once I'm legal to drive again I can fix that, but everything takes time when you're as far behind as we are.
I hope he gets past this phase, but I feel it will last a little while.
And Judy needs to get better, fast. Something is wrong with her digestive system, aggrivated by pills, but nothing I say or do changes anything.
Whatever is wrong with her needs surgery I think. I only hope it doesn't destroy her.
I want her well, but again nothing I say ever seems to matter.
Meanwhile, I wait, lonely, celibate for the most part, watching my best years fade in sadness, and what I want to make me happy never materializes.
If she had it in her to approach me, seduce me, woo and romance me, I might feel different, but it has been years, and I'm mostly resigned to the fact that she just doesn't know how to give herself completely to anyone, at least me anyway.
It takes that, there isn't any real devotion going on there. There has to be a willingness to lose yourself to find your partner, and what is best within yourself. But all the talk about everything to make it there is just that, and I am sick and now unable to be giving on that level without it coming my way first.
Posted by Busheat at 11:49 PM 0 comments
Monday, July 27, 2009
Basics
Love is a powerful driving force. Twenty years of marriage and I'm still in love. There have been times when the love was still there but the "in love" wasn't, and the "in love" is the romance that goes with love, and naturally the sex gets thin, but passion is the factor that gives it all a second breath, allows the faith and hope that goes with a relationship to clean the slate and try again.
When you love someone you take the bad with the good. So many people just cash out like the people they claimed love for are disposable, which they aren't.
I wish my wife would back up and realize just how much I love her. She pisses me off a lot, mostly over two things. First is Alex. She's too soft and empowers him in the wrong ways sometimes. She says he acts like me when he gets upset, but what she allows and says empowers him to act out. I set hard limits because he needs them, then she'll question me when I discipline him. The other thing is what I need in romance, tenderness, and sexuality. She gets upset about me wanting as much as I do and to include more than her, but I've always been like that and she knows it. If she knew that going in she should give me at least a taste of what I want every once in a while.
The best gifts she can give me is to hold the line on Alex when she needs to and to bring another person to our bed every so often and to not make me go too long without. It isn't fair to me.
If I'm made happy like that, she'd find that I'd be happier and my being happy drives me to do more, which means I'd do more for and be better for and with her.
It's not as if I want something other than her without her. I want her as part of anything, and that should flatter her.
I want us to sqing a little or maybe find a friend/lover or couple to share friendship and a little sex with. Sarah would be an option, but I don't completely trust her. It would be nice to have her and the girls as part of one big family, but Sarah has her head stuck up Chris' ass and she steals and is fucked up on pills and a lack of self-esteem. But I think Sarah has been hurt so much and has such low self-esteem and expectations that she'll eventually betray us.
I think of what other women would be nice to add, because I just don't want a sex toy. I want a lover and friend she and I can share. I'd like someone closer to us in age and background, and for Judy to have a friend she want to share everything with, which includes me.
Amanda I like as well and can see like that, her age aside, she is more mature than many women older than her. If it was just a sex need I'd go for it and keep it to mysef, but it's more. There's nothing better than intimate friendships and to share them with the person you love. And if you really love someone you try to give them what they want, despite what you want or like. I do that for Judy more than she knows. A life of fidelity is my doing just that, especially when fidelity means celibacy. That steals from me in more ways than she will ever care to understand.
Now just because I feel that way about others doesn't mean that I don't love Judy, it reinforces it. What I love in other women and see in them is what I see or want to have more of in Judy. How I can deny what I want or feel or who I am and then say I'm happy?
As for Alex, he needs rules and to have them applied strictly, getting what he wants only after he complies, but she doesn't want to fight him so sets rules them allows him to slide. If I can cure her of that I can get him in line. Alex needs to comply with our wishes, but she contests me on near about everything, and I don't think she sees it. Whenever I try to explain things, she says I'm making justifications and excuses, but I know what I'm talking about.
So that is where those things are in basics. I have a heavy job keeping everything together.
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