It Just Takes a Leap of Faith

I didn't plan or choose the life I have, it just kinda evolved. I didn't set out to feel about things the way I do, I just do. I didn't plan to love how I love, but everything just sort of evolved the way it did and I have to be honest about how I feel and why. Overall, I really am a very decent guy with a loving heart, and I do get angry when things go down in ways I know are destructive or wrong. Maybe I express things in ways others may not like, but how I see it talking usually gets me nowhere, and I admit I get frustrated and angry, but I have good insight and am motivated to make things better. I am sad and depressed at how things are, and am sick of being a breast of burden trying to create good things and watching things go so wrong sometimes, and not getting the rewards I feel I deserve. I shut down myself, and feel like I have answers that would work if my viewpoints were taken to heart and some of my suggestions listened to.

I have an ability to see solutions but feel trapped by my life and circumstances, and just don't have the power, ability, or will to make the changes even in myself because I feel like I just don't get the support or respect I deserve or need, and the way things have been going aren't making any progress anyway, so maybe my ideas on how life should be should be tried. In any event, with the way things are, it wouldn't hurt to at least try my approach to life.

I'll start with myself. I am arrogant to a degree, and my anger comes from frustration. Alex needs a strong, steady, firm hand and to have consistent limits set and imposed. Every time Judy has been in the hospital things come together and he obeys. It is because he knows he has no choice. When Judy gives him a means to escape his responsibilities he will exercise it every time. it enables him to act badly, and that needs to stop. That means when something gets said it has to be followed, right or wrong. That also means, even though it is distasteful and difficult, he gets punished swiftly and severely when he steps out of line.

That also includes his comments and when he shows his attitude. There is always time for compromise and discussion once he is obedient.

That getting done would be a great start, and has to be a starting point. So much of the drama is rooted there, and while difficult, I see no other way to get him to act properly.

I have no option and can't give an inch when he takes a mile every time he gets one. Rewards must be earned, and not given because he demands it or will let up when he gets his way.

I also know I need to put more effort into work, but I am so in fear over everything, and things aren't easy right now. It has brought me down and without getting what I know I need things won't change anytime soon.

The next thing is the medical and psychological damages that keep compounding from the depression and dysfunction in this house. Judy normally stays on the couch until 11 or 12 or 1 almost daily, and more times than not every time I leave and come home, tired and beat from work, the house is in worse shape than when I left. That turns me into a jerk, but every time I ask nicely for a change or try to say how I feel, I get shut down or get excuses.

Paula, Carmelo's wife, was in and accident where they didn't know if she was even going to walk again and lives in pain, but she, without pills, fought back against that and takes care of a big house. Judy and Sarah both get on the pity-pot and let pain beat them, making excuses and it hurts those around them and makes even more problems. I do understand how they feel, I live in pain myself, but can fight back against it, especially when I am getting what I need and don't feel alone in trying.

Two women share so much, flaws and strengths and attributes I love, but the need for pills and excuses and justifications just infuriate me to no end.

I also know I can be a pain in the ass about expressing how I feel about having an expanded marriage, but I have looked at it from all sides and it makes sense.

I can't help it that I want sex and romance and closeness at the level I do, and that I feel if passion was made more of a standing priority that things would work better, but they would.

Tonight I caught Judy crushing up pills in the bathroom, same things she bitches about in Sarah, and Judy complains that Sarah just sleeps in, but she does the same thing. Catching her crushing up pills was like catching a crackhead with a pipe. How do I overlook that? Why shouldn't that make me angry? I would have been in the right if I slapped he in the face and called her a junkie, because it IS the same thing. Sarah and Judy are both addicted, and it is also a major root of the problems they have.

And Judy called it right about Trinity, with her attitude and spoiled crying all the time. I know Sarah is overburdened and depressed and stressed out, but that girl needs discipline, and she gets no help from Chris, who is stealing happiness and the future of those girls.

I'd love to have one big house and the permission and role of being the final word. There needs to be that kind of authority for both women, and if they got it they would both heal and eventually there wouldn't be a need for that role.

Sarah having taken pills, Judy not controlling her medication, or overusing. All the cards and opinions held private. I could go on, even about myself, but we all know most of what is wrong.

The expression "too many chiefs, not enough Indians" comes to mind.

The other problem is the misconceptions and half-truths and lies about feelings. It is clear that I love my wife, and that I love Sarah. I can't help that, and I honestly, from the pit of my soul, believe that one big house and a life shared is better for all of us.

Sarah loves both Judy and I, and wants to see Judy and I sharing a good relationship and doesn't want to hurt Judy, so she carries those feelings for me in secret, and if Judy was open to it and accepted it without it taking away from their friendship, would allow those feeling to get expressed. The other issues are in her own life, and her blind love for Chris, even though he is an asshole and puts others and drugs before her. Sarah will offer up what she thinks Judy wants to hear to protect that friendship. I admire that, but at the end of the day that is living a lie, and that never works well anyway.

I might be heavy, but Judy also used that as an excuse, because I am not that heavy that sex should be so limited, denied, or conditional. Romance and sex heal relationships. They strengthen them. Sarah is bi, and is a little attracted to Judy but sees her more of a friend first. Judy is much more straight. But if we all had passion and tender physical connections we'd all have much less stress and would be more tied to each other.

And if I am too heavy for Judy to desire (which is silly because she was the same back when I weighed 220), then by all means she has my permission to get some playmate. But this gets back to laying up 12 hours a day for both. You have to force yourself up, even if you don't want to. I get up, but lose motivation whenever I look at her just laying out all day, and then she's almost always complaining, and the fact that she has a complete lack of humility.
Just tonight she was in the bathroom and I took a break from writing and had changed the tv station, and she came in bitching in the most nasty manner. If she had asked nicely, I'd change the station back in a heartbeat. But she's too often a complete nasty bitch. Alex gets that from her but she'll never see it in a million years. I try to nicely and calmly explain it and she bitches and cuts me off. It is that nasty demanding self-righteous attitude that ruins so much.

Things just escalate, even in me, whenever I start with simple requests or ask something and get no response, I wind up so frustrated because it falls upon deaf ears. and simple things that should be done don't get done, and Judy wonders why I get angry. The house stays a mess, dishes take days to get done, and even the most simple things remain undone or nasty, and I'm painted as the bad guy for complaining about it.
Then even in Sarah, she shows up when she needs something, especially when she needs pills, makes promises and breaks them, and Judy and I both don't trust her not to steal when she is in need. We understand she has a good heart and acts from desperation, but damn.
But she has to deal with Chris and Bridget, being in pain and addicted to pills, being always broke and never having what he wants, and burdened with kids and usually no help. I'm amazed that she keeps it together as good as she does.

Now I could go on and on about our problems, all of us, me included, but I'd rather concentrate on the solutions.
First, my own house has to be in order. Alex needs to learn to tow the line and obey, and once that is in place, many of the problems we face and stress we have would vanish. He even hits Judy, because he just doesn't respect her. That is mostly because she is always seeking a compromise and won't be stern like she needs to, and won't follow through, and fights me when I get forceful with him because she is deluded into thinking a soft approach will work with him.
It does when he wants to or sees reward in it. She gives a kids with a child's mind adult rights, and that doesn't work. He gets resentful, and the root problems stem from her depression and lack of humility. She wants to talk about so much, but it is always a series of justifications of excuses.
If I had the support I needed I could do so well, but I just don't have it in me to fight that fight anymore. I could fight, but until that is fixed I'm fighting a losing battle.
Now when she and Sarah both start working together they compensate for and motivate each other, and function better. I am attracted to them both and love them both, and can't help that, and I'm a much better male role model than Chris, so the girls would do much better with me there instead. I also am finally getting more respect and control where the addiction problems are concerned.
Judy finally relented and has admitted she can't control her addiction or usage, and that has fixed things some, but it needs to be on a better level until they can do it for themselves.
That means that they have to give me control in that area, and under one roof getting them working together they would have much more power over their lives than they do now. They make a great team most of the time.
That means that Sarah has to openly admit how she feels and let go of the life she is trapped in that hold her down and back and Judy has to accept Sarah and I as part of a shared life. That's a hard pill to swallow, even for Judy. There is a selfish part of me that wants them both as lovers, but I want more than that companionship and to better my role as the male aspect and leader of a extended family.
That also means letting go of selfishness and jealousy. Judy claims she's not, but she is. No one wants to feel like their mate needs someone else, that they can't be everything, but I look at it pragmatically. Judy also puts conditions on love and lovemaking that I don't.
It would mean that both would have to accept the idea of being co-wives, and if they saw it like I did for a second and were honest enough they couldn't help but admit it. Social conditioning tells them it isn't normal, but there is no normal and tribal families often work much better than "traditional" ones. Much of the world works that way, and it works well.
Sarah has a heavy burden with four girls, and Judy easily fills in when Sarah needs a break, and Sarah can get through to Alex where Judy and I can't. It just makes sense.

It boils down to us all needing each other and needing a change.
Posted by Busheat at 8:58 PM 0 comments
Home
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom) Followers

Blog Archive
▼ 2009 (1)
▼ July (1)
It Just Takes a Leap of Faith
About Me
Skot David Wilson
View my complete profile