I've been thinking about the "what ifs" of a few women. I have been thinking about the aspects of infatuation and of love and desire, and while there are more infatuations, man the ones I know I love and could love, well if the shells were less physical......
First off, I honestly wish my wife was bisexual and open to an "occasional" swinging lifestyle, that we could romance each other and share other partners. While there aren't really any males too worthy or mindsetted to include, there are some women that would be fun. I don't mean all of the time, but sometimes...
Right now, and for a while now, there are just two women I'd like to have under my roof. Sarah and Judy, when together, function better than when apart, and get along. I just don't completely trust Sarah. I believe she steals with the excuse she "has nothing and needs". Judy just doesn't have the passion she once had, which at her best was far below the level I like. The sex, when it rarely happen, is still really decent, and almost every time I cum she cums with me, but that has a lot to do with me I think, my abilities. She just has too many hang-ups and pre-conditions...for everything. She's much more judgemental than I like, but in an open relationship things might work, and we've already had that discussion, and I told her I won't ever turn down a woman I'm really attracted to, period. That being denied the romance and physical pleasure for so long she's lost the right to claim it anymore. I've been kept too hungry too long.... a man needs food. I shouldn't have to ask or initiate every time.
I think she needs some chance encounter where she's fucked senseless (I love it when women can't even say their own name) for her own sense of sexuality and self-esteem, but she's allowed pills and depression and her attitude to ruin life. If she made sex more of a selfish prioity, something for her to fill that need we all have, she'd do better I think. I didn't make her that way. Maybe I could have done more, but I can't think of how. I've tried nice, mean, cold, indifferent, supportive, but she is in a funk and so much of it is self-imposed.
Now Sarah is depressed, but her sperm doner is an asshole that makes her cry and makes her sad. He's more concerned about drugs than his own kids, and he simply sucks. She has this faith that he'll change, but I don't think he ever will. I'm usually a good call on that crap. And her kids deserve better, and the three of us together would be great for all of our kids, because we could all work together, and work well.
The two of them together would function so well, compensate for each other, and basically fix each other. They need to get past the age aspects and bisexuality aspects and the regementing of a relationship and start a friends with benefits sister relationship. Sarah has a bi side to her, and isn't always bold enough to act on those wild thoughts she has. It's sad that people let fantasy stay that way.
And I think of Amanda just as an example of wasted potential. She's 17 but she's more mature than her older sister, and on about the same level as her mother. She's not so much inmature, more like just not enough life experience. She's with some guy who's a real asshole, but she's too blind to see it. But take away the age thing and she and I'd be a great pair. She's on a level Julie was, and has a passion about wanting to see the world become a better place. She just doesn't have the experience, and if she ever gets away from her sperm doner she'd soar. Now if she was added under my roof the way it is, she and I would be closer to her than Judy would be to Sarah, but I had a dream of that farm in Carolina with all of them there, kids included, and I could see it. But we always see what we want to see, don't we. But that is my animal lust dream idea, not what I know would work best, and I would never want to be spread so thin. A little more enhances, and too much takes away.
In an ideal world I'd make her 19 and me 22 and start over, or fix the past and have Julie... or better yet put aspects that I'm attracted to into Judy, but I'm greedy and would want both anyway. If I wanted to go to a peace rally or political event, or poetry reading or just out dancing or for a walk on a beach or in a park, those two would fit about best. I need someone motivated. Sarah, sadly, is suffering from being with Chris for too long and starting too young and being pushed down, and Amanda would have that happen to her if she doesn't get rid of Josh. The age thing makes that one really out of reach, but Sarah maybe. I see them breaking up, and I see Steph breaking up with her wipe. Some things just don't balance. Bet a million bucks they both move on before long, although I think Steph will hurt then move past it, and Amanda will dwell. I watch their relationships and see things I went through both before and now with Judy. These women have the idea but not the drive or skills to make it full circle.
But those are examples of women, especially southern women, and yes, the north, too, if you're talking about urban areas... Women as property and beneath men is an attitude here, and it has fucked up so many people and they just don't see it.
I remember growing up around much more equal and liberated women, and I function better that way, but when you are that way around women who weren't, there's this natural conflict thing, because they judge you on different standards than you have, and they can't grasp that it isn't in the equation for you.
I don't want to wind up divorced and I've been warning Judy, but she makes no effort to change anything, and never accepts fault. Sarah accepts too much, and I need someone more balanced. That might be an aspect of why I see both better together, they would balance each other in that as well. All of this might hurt Judy at first, she's hardheaded and often close-minded. She would be resentful that I love someone else as well and wonder why it all just can't be her. But reality is what I feel and what she feels and what we need, and I can't escape that reality. Even if I could hide and ignore how I feel, I made a vow to my wife I intend to keep of spending the rest of my life with her, even if that life isn't what anyone expected. We married for better or worse, and watching someone crash over and over again from addiction and depression is hard enough, and you can't tell a drunk or junkie soemthing they refuse to admit because that reflection is just too hard to accept. Sarah is going down the same road Judy walked to get where she is. I didn't make that road, or make a map to it, if anything I flatten the tires so tey stop, but I refuse to give either one of them a ride down it anymore.
But I love these women, especially Judy, too much to enable such self-destruction anymore. Even as just as a friend don't want to see any of the bullshit continue. So at some point I have to come clean and explain just how I feel, she deserves nothing less from me, and she deserves to have me at the best I can be, and I really think we all would be at our best if we work as one. Sarah or some other friend/lover can give Judy things I might never be able to, and their friendship has been a blessing for both of them, and the kids and me. Sadly, Chris will never give Sarah what she really needs, and I could, but it has to be with Judy as a partner and knowing, and if they are good enough friends to share me to that degree, without jealousy, without thinking that loving one takes anything away from the other, then I can give them both the best of myself, be better off for what I share with each of them, and find comort and fulfillment and give them the same in such a high degree that they float and bounce with happiness and fulfillment.
I've got a feeling that major changes are coming and coming fast, even money wise, lke we hit rock bottom then something will happen to fix it all. I have seen some real hard times coming. I had a dream where we were here but were camping, and like this SWAT thing fell on us, then we just started getting lucky right in the middle of it all. I saw myself getting vindicated for all the shit we've endured, and even Alex getting worse then better. I saw Judy getting better once she changes her habits, and I saw our house, but the living room was bigger, and fixing up the place, and having Christmas in a construction site, which was weird, and I saw myself going to the bank happy, and down the road us loading up a truck and moving. I saw us on a farm, and saw Sarah finally getting so fed up or something happening but her still fed up with Bebo and his mom that she packed the kids up and moved. It was like this dejavu dream, and it went by all so fast, like some fastforward thing....
I even saw a garden, and have had vivid dreams of us on the farm, and it being a little bit of a fight to make the golf course work, and even all of us, all the kids and Judy, I saw voting on putting in a windmill or a lighthouse on one of the holes, and what colors to paint the picnic tables.
And for some stupid reason, our living room went from blue to green accents, even the accent wall. What the hell does that mean? I need to start a journal about my dreams.... I don't have many, but the ones I've had lately are like the ones I had before Alex was born, or once just before Judy and I split and I was in jail. I dreamed four months and Alex being denied me, and it happened. Judy thinks she can play fortune teller, but if she only knew...
It's why I don't worry about shit. I've seen myself on a boat on water like Palmilico, and a coolass pickup truck, and Judy getting better. I remember another dream when I saw her with perfect teeth after she was losing them all, and then she got dentures. Maybe I should tell her about the dreams I have that I know are profetic, but maybe I don't want to jinx them either. I just have to listen to the warning ones better. I had a dark vision one as well, where Judy never stopped smoking and pills and she was dead before 60. How do you tell someone you love who doubts you so often about truths you know and things you know will come to pass?
I can deal with and want to have Judy and I being co-parents to, and with Sarah's kids even. Judy is great with kids, and would be a great second mother, and she really did need a daughter. I remember I tried to have her have a second child with me but she shot that down and I think now regrets it. And Sarah will never have a son, and one of those dreams saw some major conflict over her house with all of her kids screaming. She needs out of there, and away from Jacksonhell, Florida.
And once I get moved, like I know I will, I have seen myself thinner and in better shape, but not as thin as I'd like. I saw myself with like a 38-40" waist line. I wish that would be 36", but who would I be kidding!
Then there's age and the passage of time...
Judy has been getting old, fast. She can stop it now, and I'll do everything I can to help her, but in the end she has to reduce the pills and stop smoking on her own. Sarah is more like my age equal, or will be. Money will come, somehow, somewhere, and soon, and it will change things, and I will get a little younger, and that will make me Sarah's age equal. I don't see Sarah after the money is here though. I do sense new people will cycle in. I also see Steph coming to us in need but being like a leaf on the wind. I just know when she comes we have to help.
But I see Judy getting better after geting worse. I wish there was a record button for dreams and sleep visions. I saw myself in jail again but not going to court.
Visions that come like dreams are a trip. I get them in bursts, over a week or two, with varriations, remembering parts at times, like having ten jigsaw puzzles and throwing them up in the air, and they all fall with some of the pieces still together, and others falling together to make one picture out of several...
I'll be younger at 70 than most people I know who are 40. I get back to dancing and rowing and just generally active, and I'll have the body of someone 40, and it will stay that way. I know I'll be like a few other older guys I know.
Neil Larsen is like that... he's like 77 and rides a scooter around and is simply more active than even his own kids. he had a sickly wife, and was like a nursing home orderly. Since she died he can do more, but when you watch your wife get old and sick and die, that sucks, and I don't wantr to watch Judy self-destruct. Sarah would prevent that, and she would get out of the pills to depression to hunt for money for pills or sell pills for money cycle, and where she turns to pills for the escape factor.
But I will be one of those guys who acts 40 at 70 and 50 at 80. I've seen it, and I feel it. Money will come and make me lose my funk, and allow me the means to fix so much. I just have to follow the things I know about guys like Neil, be a duck and not let the weight of problems to slow me down.....
There's a few out there that have somewhat shown me that is the way to be, to not slow up or recognize the things that can limit you if you let them. I have a duty to follow this path and take the along. I love Judy so much, and want to give her what I've seen, but she just fights everything so much all the time. It's a secret right in front of all our faces.
That taoist flowing thing, every time I let go of it it hurts me, so I just have to hold on to it with a light grip, and let it float me to what I see.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Jay died. I guess it was bound to happen, she had a death-wish for so long. I blame Greg and her father. Greg was an asshole, and Wayne is a selfish scum-bag. She reached out for him and he denied her. It seems Judy's side of the family can turn cold in a flash. Judy shows signs of it at times, but emotionally. It's like if you don't live up to some sick standards they have, they judge you, and they all have walls. Leon allowed himself to be dominated and repressed by his Jabba of a wife, but Wayne, man he has an arrogance and level of abuse of the spirit of others I just can't stand. Jay died from drugs and alcohol, but Judy does the same thing to her body with pills. She is doing what Jay did only slower. There are the excuses, and the feeling they have the right to make those bad choices. Alex is resentful because of it. Now I see Sarah falling into the pill hole. Their friendship can let them save each other.
I can't help Judy, I've tried every approach, and when I'm "nice" I'm just empowering and approving, so I won't even do the ER with Judy until she fixes herself for herself, or at least is trying. She has no idea of the cost it has had on our family. I hope Sarah gets off that path before it is too late. I see that if they both let their friendship to evolve, and I mean as close as sisters, and further, and if they both figure out how to use me as a resource for them working together, they would heal fast. Pills will make them sick, keep them broke, and maybe get them in jail if they have bad luck one day. Stupid shit happens chasing dragons.
But I could talk until I'm blue in the face. If I assert loudly, I am told "HUSH!". As if some words will ward off the evil spirit of reality that makes them look at themselves. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is to be mean when they push their lies upon you.
I think, if they let it happen, love and life shared between us three would fix all of that. I can see it so clearly, and feel it on the edge, just waiting for truths to reveal themselves and epiphanies to occur.
Judy is talking the Jay thing hard, but maybe that person she saw as a partner is Sarah.
and I do feel guilty about Jay and I being involved, but Judy for months kept me celibate, and Jay threw it at me, and even when Judy tried it was a 20 minute run and done, and I need more than that, I need the tender snuggles naked in bed that go with it. I crave the intimacy more than the nut. And maybe I thought I was helping Jay a little as well. A loved woman usually motivates. And I was resentful to Judy over so many nights I've slept alone, or heard her bitching right in the middle of lovemaking, which should always be sacred and not tainted with words from a mouth that aren't "Oh, God!" or "enough, enough, enough..." or "I love you".
She was unfaithful first, because loyalty is not keeping your man in need when there's no reason not to.
Love heals, and withholding it makes a person sick.
Wayne withheld fatherly love, when that is what she needed most, and maybe she turned to me to fill a gap (no pun intended) or something that was missing, and maybe I took advantage of that, in part to help jay, in part to hurt Judy. That may be wrong, but at least I can see it, and hell, I'm only human. No woman can complain if a man finds release anywhere when they give him none and starve him. And yes, that is a justification and an excuse. They are valid to a degree. Until Judy sees that if she was leading me by the hand to bed just to make sure I was satisfied and happy, and putting effort into love instead of using it as a weapon or reward, then none of that ever would have happened. You can't cut the fuel line and blame the car for not running.
Suck is life.
I can't help Judy, I've tried every approach, and when I'm "nice" I'm just empowering and approving, so I won't even do the ER with Judy until she fixes herself for herself, or at least is trying. She has no idea of the cost it has had on our family. I hope Sarah gets off that path before it is too late. I see that if they both let their friendship to evolve, and I mean as close as sisters, and further, and if they both figure out how to use me as a resource for them working together, they would heal fast. Pills will make them sick, keep them broke, and maybe get them in jail if they have bad luck one day. Stupid shit happens chasing dragons.
But I could talk until I'm blue in the face. If I assert loudly, I am told "HUSH!". As if some words will ward off the evil spirit of reality that makes them look at themselves. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is to be mean when they push their lies upon you.
I think, if they let it happen, love and life shared between us three would fix all of that. I can see it so clearly, and feel it on the edge, just waiting for truths to reveal themselves and epiphanies to occur.
Judy is talking the Jay thing hard, but maybe that person she saw as a partner is Sarah.
and I do feel guilty about Jay and I being involved, but Judy for months kept me celibate, and Jay threw it at me, and even when Judy tried it was a 20 minute run and done, and I need more than that, I need the tender snuggles naked in bed that go with it. I crave the intimacy more than the nut. And maybe I thought I was helping Jay a little as well. A loved woman usually motivates. And I was resentful to Judy over so many nights I've slept alone, or heard her bitching right in the middle of lovemaking, which should always be sacred and not tainted with words from a mouth that aren't "Oh, God!" or "enough, enough, enough..." or "I love you".
She was unfaithful first, because loyalty is not keeping your man in need when there's no reason not to.
Love heals, and withholding it makes a person sick.
Wayne withheld fatherly love, when that is what she needed most, and maybe she turned to me to fill a gap (no pun intended) or something that was missing, and maybe I took advantage of that, in part to help jay, in part to hurt Judy. That may be wrong, but at least I can see it, and hell, I'm only human. No woman can complain if a man finds release anywhere when they give him none and starve him. And yes, that is a justification and an excuse. They are valid to a degree. Until Judy sees that if she was leading me by the hand to bed just to make sure I was satisfied and happy, and putting effort into love instead of using it as a weapon or reward, then none of that ever would have happened. You can't cut the fuel line and blame the car for not running.
Suck is life.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Took Judy to the Democratic watch party. She was so beautiful tonight. I saw some of what the pills and depression have stolen from me for so long back, and it is bittersweet, because I know there are more times she'll run out of pills or her digestive system will shut down from being narced out. But when she is doing decent it feels really good. She was a little sick and came anyway, good for her. It felt good to have my woman by my side... I miss that.
At least no more Bush, but what worries me is the country is so bad right now.
Work is slow, and things worry me, but no matter what, I think we'll do fine in the long run.
That goes for both the country, and crap with my wife once she starts to see things with a few adjustments to her perspectives. She's smart, so I think it will eventually dawn on her. She just needs to fix herself and get healthy, and that, sadly, is something I can't fix for her. She has to make the changes herself. When that effort gets really real I'll be there for her, but I won't be a crutch anymore, and that hurts her and she doesn't always nderstand why I am so cold when she's sick, but even the experts have told me you have to tough love them even wen you want to run and help them. That has been hard, to be cold when I'm not, but I have to or this shit might kill her. She has to motivate. Change is the theme this year, isn't it? I want changes, but I also want my wife back as a real life partner, whereever and whatever that means.
At least no more Bush, but what worries me is the country is so bad right now.
Work is slow, and things worry me, but no matter what, I think we'll do fine in the long run.
That goes for both the country, and crap with my wife once she starts to see things with a few adjustments to her perspectives. She's smart, so I think it will eventually dawn on her. She just needs to fix herself and get healthy, and that, sadly, is something I can't fix for her. She has to make the changes herself. When that effort gets really real I'll be there for her, but I won't be a crutch anymore, and that hurts her and she doesn't always nderstand why I am so cold when she's sick, but even the experts have told me you have to tough love them even wen you want to run and help them. That has been hard, to be cold when I'm not, but I have to or this shit might kill her. She has to motivate. Change is the theme this year, isn't it? I want changes, but I also want my wife back as a real life partner, whereever and whatever that means.
Monday, October 27, 2008
I was just awakened by a dream... well, nightmare sort of.
I feel death coming. God I hope it's not my mom. I just know it will be close. It's a fear like I felt when Lynn was a NYC junkie and she died for 8 minuets. I sensed that and didn't find out until two years later about that time of her life. But this is worse, and it's close. Something bad is going to happen. I feel like there will be like an end to suffering, but I don't know anyone in the hospital or sick. I wonder about my Uncle Charlie in Gastonia. I know Aunt Terry will die before long, common sense and my inner knowing know that, but this is death before it was necessary, this feels like a senseless death, yet something that no one can stop anyway, just delay.
Maybe there is death as a spirit, because I can remember saving a life and feeling like it was me who cheated death and pissed death off, like there is this flow of things and you can resist the tao of it, but eventually it will flow as intended.
How do you fix something when you are in a fog and don't know what it is you are supposed to fix. Most of the time I can see everything and know, but right now it is like my second eyes are gone. I didn't see jail for a month over something so trivial either, but that might be what the answer was to my prayer for Judy and Alex to see just how much they need me.
Alex is defiant, and Judy needs to just be consistent firm with him. He has bulldozed her for so long and gets away with so much, because when I punish him Judy mitigates it so often, that he thinks he can do what he wants and bully and manipulate things his way.
I was far from a perfect child, but I knew when to buck up and get things done, and when to shut up and listen. Judy tries to be his friend and let him be adult too much, Judy and Sarah together, with proxy parental power, could compensate for each other, being each other's enforcer.
Sarah has the problem of carrying the total load over there, even when she's sick she has to do everything, and if she doesn't it don't get done, and sometimes she just can't. They both get paralyzed by circumstances, and each one could unfreeze the other, and use me to fix what they can't.
I don't mind putting in the effort. In fact, I love it. I just want what I say to be supported, period. If, after the fact, I was wrong, then explain it to me, but what I say, or Judy does to Alex, needs to be upheld, period.
Still this dark feeling. I see Zach a little, but even though I feel him sometimes thinking about me, like I am part of his compass, I don't know. I just know something really not good is coming, and I know no matter what I do it will happen anyway. I just hope it's not that bad.
I feel death coming. God I hope it's not my mom. I just know it will be close. It's a fear like I felt when Lynn was a NYC junkie and she died for 8 minuets. I sensed that and didn't find out until two years later about that time of her life. But this is worse, and it's close. Something bad is going to happen. I feel like there will be like an end to suffering, but I don't know anyone in the hospital or sick. I wonder about my Uncle Charlie in Gastonia. I know Aunt Terry will die before long, common sense and my inner knowing know that, but this is death before it was necessary, this feels like a senseless death, yet something that no one can stop anyway, just delay.
Maybe there is death as a spirit, because I can remember saving a life and feeling like it was me who cheated death and pissed death off, like there is this flow of things and you can resist the tao of it, but eventually it will flow as intended.
How do you fix something when you are in a fog and don't know what it is you are supposed to fix. Most of the time I can see everything and know, but right now it is like my second eyes are gone. I didn't see jail for a month over something so trivial either, but that might be what the answer was to my prayer for Judy and Alex to see just how much they need me.
Alex is defiant, and Judy needs to just be consistent firm with him. He has bulldozed her for so long and gets away with so much, because when I punish him Judy mitigates it so often, that he thinks he can do what he wants and bully and manipulate things his way.
I was far from a perfect child, but I knew when to buck up and get things done, and when to shut up and listen. Judy tries to be his friend and let him be adult too much, Judy and Sarah together, with proxy parental power, could compensate for each other, being each other's enforcer.
Sarah has the problem of carrying the total load over there, even when she's sick she has to do everything, and if she doesn't it don't get done, and sometimes she just can't. They both get paralyzed by circumstances, and each one could unfreeze the other, and use me to fix what they can't.
I don't mind putting in the effort. In fact, I love it. I just want what I say to be supported, period. If, after the fact, I was wrong, then explain it to me, but what I say, or Judy does to Alex, needs to be upheld, period.
Still this dark feeling. I see Zach a little, but even though I feel him sometimes thinking about me, like I am part of his compass, I don't know. I just know something really not good is coming, and I know no matter what I do it will happen anyway. I just hope it's not that bad.
Friday, October 17, 2008
So I'm basically the same guy I was when I was 17, same basic beliefs and dreams and my romantic and passionate sides are the same, and if I was in the same body I had when I was anywhere from 17 to 37 I'd be taking a different path right now on a few fronts.
But here I am, balder, fatter, and a little more grey than I remember me, or that I even feel....
Why is it that you're exactly the same in so many ways but just because you're older you're a dirty old man, or in the case of women a cougar...
Race, sex, creed, and yes, age, should simply not matter that much, except when you're talking about really young... but maturity, real maturity is such an ageless thing. I mean, so here I am, with so many of the same views and all as I had 30 years ago, so does that mean I never "grew up"? What does that shit even mean anyway?
When I was 26 I was dating, seeing and fucking two women. One was 17, intelligent, poetic, talented, and mature, and the other was a college professor at Monmouth College, she was 52, and had about half the sense of the one who was 17. So how do we decide what is too young or old, or why have any prejudices.... Here I am almost 48, and my wife who is 50 sometimes seems to me older than my mom who is 82.
I'm still in love, still, with Julie, who I haven't seen in 25 years and only talked to three times since then. I just never fell out of love with her, and I don't think she aged... or rather, she aged without age like I have. I'm in love with a girl with four kids and loads of problems and self-esteem issues because I know what she would be with me and what she and I could have together, and how she'd be with me.... and part of me is in love with a girl who's 20 years younger than me, because she's mature in a lot of cool ways and would also fit me well, and be good with me. Most of all, I'm still in love with my wife, who I'd like to share every aspect of my soul with, but even thought some of that might hurt her, she deserves to know everything and should love me accepting everything like I do with her. I hate some of her shortcomings, but love her and she is my wife and my life. It has to be all or nothing, and I want it all.
I know what I can give in a relationship, and what I like and what it is in a woman I love, and more importantly, how to love-how to release yourself and give mutually so that when two people mutually give the result is that you both have more than you both put it, like it compounds itself.
I don't have that, but I retain it because it is part of who I am, so it lays in wait, like a seed in winter, waiting.
I wish it was there with Judy like it should be, but she cuts me down all the time, and it kills me. The problem I had, and how I got stuck in a life I sometimes hate with a woman who frustrates me so much is I settled for a percentage. I accepted 70% of what I wanted and now have so much of what I don't want despite everything I try to fix it. I allow my optimism to blind me, because unless there is a mindset that fits you, there will always be something lacking. And because I have the steady hope that she will change and grow. it's there just as much in Judy as it could be with anyone else that fits. And life's circumstances are a bitch as well. I stay where I am for now mostly because of my son, because of a promise and devotion and duty, and I accept that because it is a choice, and because I took my vow seriously. The other reason is the hope Judy will find her way back to the woman I married. The way I see it is that I am warm and compassionate and tender and erotic and so many things that most women dream of, and eventually I'll be in a position to start again once my son is out on his own, in college or something. I would rather not take that path, but who knows what will happen.
But when you yourself are somewhat beyond judgements except as a way to define what you like for yourself, and can step outside of yourself and give empathy to others, you are in a class that requires you wind up with a lover or two that fits that mindset as well. That's why I have to look at what attracts me to other women and why. What makes me have desire, and how can I get that into or out of Judy?
So what do I want? Lovers should be companions and friends who know their life is better sharing it with you than not, and as such share freedom and respect and discovery with you without the fears and conditions that too many people fuck themselves up with.
I want a woman who will never deny me, who I would never want to deny...who I can sense being stimulated by a glance or a kiss or a touch because the passion is just that strong. I want a woman I can share with another person or persons without jealousy, and without conditions. On the sexual side, that means passion without prejudices, so bi-sexuality is a classification that can be tagged to it, but I want even that transcended, so for the majority of the time we share ourselves with each other, but in a recreational sexual situation there is simply passion, and by passion I mean not just sex, but erotic and intimate contact with people we choose to share ourselves with.
I want a woman who anticipates my needs and desires and whom I can return that to, who will fight me sometimes but for me all of the time, who will comfort me and whom I can protect and comfort and inspire, like a collaborative muse. In that atmosphere of shared mutual consideration and respect and love I can breathe, with a joyful heart even when the outside world seems dark because there is such a partnership that joy just floods our hearts.
I want that woman to be Judy, and she would be wonderful for me if she let go of that attitude and self-justified outlooks. And yes, it can be like that, should be like that, and would be only when it is understood and chosen.
The problem is seeing some good qualities in people and thinking that the others that complete this picture will magically appear and materialize if we just wait or put in enough effort. It almost never happens that way, and it sucks the life energy out of you after a while. Many good people turn depressed or bitter that way, but there is also a level of resolve where that can be endured because like a long winter the seed knows the spring will come again.
I'll be dancing and laughing and singing and the only thing that will eventually age on me will be my body, because how most people age is they let their spirit wither away. I'm the kind of guy that needs someone younger just for that reason, because here I am with the same basic "feel" I had inside as when I was 26. 17, and 35 when my son was born. The ages listed are mostly in order. The joke saying of can't judge a book by it's cover kinda applies.
Now all I really need is a companion to share a happy life with.
I wish that would be Judy, but she has to deal with the fact that there is a total me to fulfill and please. No one person can be everything for anyone, and if she is so stupid as to throw the baby out with the bathwater, it is her loss, because if I do get the aspects of life that I need she would have the Skot back that she misses so much. It was that Skot she fell in love with. I was at my best when life and love were carefree, and with her I restricted myself, and she wants this ownership thing that I just can't do. She owns me when she lives free with me...
But here I am, balder, fatter, and a little more grey than I remember me, or that I even feel....
Why is it that you're exactly the same in so many ways but just because you're older you're a dirty old man, or in the case of women a cougar...
Race, sex, creed, and yes, age, should simply not matter that much, except when you're talking about really young... but maturity, real maturity is such an ageless thing. I mean, so here I am, with so many of the same views and all as I had 30 years ago, so does that mean I never "grew up"? What does that shit even mean anyway?
When I was 26 I was dating, seeing and fucking two women. One was 17, intelligent, poetic, talented, and mature, and the other was a college professor at Monmouth College, she was 52, and had about half the sense of the one who was 17. So how do we decide what is too young or old, or why have any prejudices.... Here I am almost 48, and my wife who is 50 sometimes seems to me older than my mom who is 82.
I'm still in love, still, with Julie, who I haven't seen in 25 years and only talked to three times since then. I just never fell out of love with her, and I don't think she aged... or rather, she aged without age like I have. I'm in love with a girl with four kids and loads of problems and self-esteem issues because I know what she would be with me and what she and I could have together, and how she'd be with me.... and part of me is in love with a girl who's 20 years younger than me, because she's mature in a lot of cool ways and would also fit me well, and be good with me. Most of all, I'm still in love with my wife, who I'd like to share every aspect of my soul with, but even thought some of that might hurt her, she deserves to know everything and should love me accepting everything like I do with her. I hate some of her shortcomings, but love her and she is my wife and my life. It has to be all or nothing, and I want it all.
I know what I can give in a relationship, and what I like and what it is in a woman I love, and more importantly, how to love-how to release yourself and give mutually so that when two people mutually give the result is that you both have more than you both put it, like it compounds itself.
I don't have that, but I retain it because it is part of who I am, so it lays in wait, like a seed in winter, waiting.
I wish it was there with Judy like it should be, but she cuts me down all the time, and it kills me. The problem I had, and how I got stuck in a life I sometimes hate with a woman who frustrates me so much is I settled for a percentage. I accepted 70% of what I wanted and now have so much of what I don't want despite everything I try to fix it. I allow my optimism to blind me, because unless there is a mindset that fits you, there will always be something lacking. And because I have the steady hope that she will change and grow. it's there just as much in Judy as it could be with anyone else that fits. And life's circumstances are a bitch as well. I stay where I am for now mostly because of my son, because of a promise and devotion and duty, and I accept that because it is a choice, and because I took my vow seriously. The other reason is the hope Judy will find her way back to the woman I married. The way I see it is that I am warm and compassionate and tender and erotic and so many things that most women dream of, and eventually I'll be in a position to start again once my son is out on his own, in college or something. I would rather not take that path, but who knows what will happen.
But when you yourself are somewhat beyond judgements except as a way to define what you like for yourself, and can step outside of yourself and give empathy to others, you are in a class that requires you wind up with a lover or two that fits that mindset as well. That's why I have to look at what attracts me to other women and why. What makes me have desire, and how can I get that into or out of Judy?
So what do I want? Lovers should be companions and friends who know their life is better sharing it with you than not, and as such share freedom and respect and discovery with you without the fears and conditions that too many people fuck themselves up with.
I want a woman who will never deny me, who I would never want to deny...who I can sense being stimulated by a glance or a kiss or a touch because the passion is just that strong. I want a woman I can share with another person or persons without jealousy, and without conditions. On the sexual side, that means passion without prejudices, so bi-sexuality is a classification that can be tagged to it, but I want even that transcended, so for the majority of the time we share ourselves with each other, but in a recreational sexual situation there is simply passion, and by passion I mean not just sex, but erotic and intimate contact with people we choose to share ourselves with.
I want a woman who anticipates my needs and desires and whom I can return that to, who will fight me sometimes but for me all of the time, who will comfort me and whom I can protect and comfort and inspire, like a collaborative muse. In that atmosphere of shared mutual consideration and respect and love I can breathe, with a joyful heart even when the outside world seems dark because there is such a partnership that joy just floods our hearts.
I want that woman to be Judy, and she would be wonderful for me if she let go of that attitude and self-justified outlooks. And yes, it can be like that, should be like that, and would be only when it is understood and chosen.
The problem is seeing some good qualities in people and thinking that the others that complete this picture will magically appear and materialize if we just wait or put in enough effort. It almost never happens that way, and it sucks the life energy out of you after a while. Many good people turn depressed or bitter that way, but there is also a level of resolve where that can be endured because like a long winter the seed knows the spring will come again.
I'll be dancing and laughing and singing and the only thing that will eventually age on me will be my body, because how most people age is they let their spirit wither away. I'm the kind of guy that needs someone younger just for that reason, because here I am with the same basic "feel" I had inside as when I was 26. 17, and 35 when my son was born. The ages listed are mostly in order. The joke saying of can't judge a book by it's cover kinda applies.
Now all I really need is a companion to share a happy life with.
I wish that would be Judy, but she has to deal with the fact that there is a total me to fulfill and please. No one person can be everything for anyone, and if she is so stupid as to throw the baby out with the bathwater, it is her loss, because if I do get the aspects of life that I need she would have the Skot back that she misses so much. It was that Skot she fell in love with. I was at my best when life and love were carefree, and with her I restricted myself, and she wants this ownership thing that I just can't do. She owns me when she lives free with me...
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
It gets said that men are thinking about sex every 7 seconds, but that it is subconscious, but I must be in touch with that part of myself, because I'm always thinking about sex. But what is unusual in me is that it isn't just the sex I want, it is companionship and friendship. I want a lover, not just a sex partner. The really sad part is that I look back on my life and that spark of a young mind, with creativity and wonder with the world has never left me. It gets depressing to think that I'm with a woman who has gotten so old so fast. A lot has to do with her health, which some of which she can't help, but she's become depressed and it effects everything around her.
I mean, there's this classic rock hippie, and I'm more alternative, and other aspects of personality that I wish fit me better, and the inhibited side that just isn't me. If it wasn't for my son sometimes I'd be gone, but stay as I do, when I'm 50 and 60 and 70 and 80 I'll be younger than most people I know, and I just hope I get her back, that I see the Judy I knew come back alive. But at nearing 50 I'm still into new music and have a young mind.
I remember a few people in my life I've met and known who carry that young mind and heart, and I never saw age in them. But I see some of it only in the mirror at times. I look at my eyes and they still blaze, and it sucks to live without someone who can understand that fire and intensity.
I love the touch of a lover, and the passion of companionship, where warm friendship and caring fill every dark corner within my being, and mine in theirs. An honesty and ability to share everything, and feel comfort in just a gaze, let alone a soft touch.
When you have an understanding, with friends or lovers, there is just so much beauty there. It fills you, but I feel like an amputee. I'm a runner with no legs, and a swimmer with no arms.
In a few months I'll be 48, and at this point in my life I should have a real partner. I'm fucked by 29 or 30 years, because like there is a physical and a mental age, there's also a spiritual one, and in that one you are so old that you're a child, filled with both reverence and wonder.
I see women every day and can see automatically what there could be there, and in so many, even and sometimes especially young ones, there is a sadness that what could be isn't, and all they need is what I need. I wish Judy would give me that, like she used to.
Yet I'm trapped by duty to my son. It is so bittersweet.
With Judy I could have it, but I'm also designed for an expanded relationship base. If she could let go of her bullshit and share herself and me we could have that passion, where jealous ownership is not in the equation. Then there's the sexual passion aspects. Taking other lovers should expand and grow the love you have with a partner. Share what you have and be happy you have that moment, and if any woman was part of something like that, with total freedom, being so set free from that selfish ownership would just blow their minds.
So now I have this self understanding and no one to share it with. Dreams are great unless they remain always and forever denied. She wants that ownership marriage, and I think friendship, companionship, and love can be even better if you are open to share yourself is a little bigger circle.
I think of past lovers, and the love doesn't ever seem to fade. But all that takes common ground that no one ever seems brave enough to embrace.
Everyone has thoughts of other people even when they are in a great relationship, and I don't ever want to deny any lover of mine that joy, as long as there love and devotion for me is true enough for them to come back after they go explore and enjoy, and man, to share it is even better.
As far as being in the South, I think a big reason why it is so bad here is mostly due to how men treat women as property or dirt. Women seem so desperate for real love that they also get jealous over pieces of shit.
I love my wife, but I'm not in passionate love with her. I wish she and I could have that again, but I want that and more. We could have that, and would if we included maybe Sarah, and that would work. Sarah has her problems, but she dreams about much of what I do, but she's hung up on that same line of bullshit that everyone accepts as "normal".
Amanda has that fire and spark, and is with an asshole, sadly her sister and even her mother have that same problem. I think of her because she reminds me of Julie a lot, and I'm attracted to the alternative goth thing just because, but the age gap there is too vast. I wish Judy had some of those tastes though.
I see also Steph, and hope she finds someone good. I feel for her more like a daughter. She's turned sexy, and I saw her that way, attracted to her physically, or just had that passing thought of wonder what it would be like, and it would be like incest. Maybe could be like that if I didn't know her when she was young, but she's in love with a jerk as well, and I don't give that long, because her old man takes her for granted as well..... I analyze this because I see her in that southern relationship baggage trap, and hope she rises above it. I think she will. I think she'll dump that loser and be better off.
But the thing is as a lover and mate and father I really am the bomb, but I need a partner because I allow my good energy to be taken without getting what I need back.
I think of Hailey, and it was like watching a plane catch fire and crash to the ground, because Dave was selfish and stupid and she was so much wanting love that she lost what was best in her. I see her as just another example, because I think women need to discover and use their power and have men that complement them. I see the same thing repeated so often.
And as far as a male friend to share women and life and friendship with, like I had when I was a live-aboard back in Jersey, they just aren't in my world and down here they don't get it, and if they have the sexual desires I do they are usually just freaks, with no sense of the spiritual side of it all, because like I think every man should have more than one woman I think every woman should have a variety of men, and naturally the group encounters where the recreational side of things gets explored without there being the stigma of perversion. When that level of pure desire is met nothing is perverted and the twisted aspects vanish. It becomes something to savor, not something to grasp to fill an empty void.
Sarah would be love and passion, and Amanda would be like reliving the past. Now there's 30 years between us and 23 between Sarah and I, but that could vanish as well, and the sex, romance, and passion with either of them would be what I know it would be. Either one of them would be breathless and spastic with elation if we made love, and it would be sex but if would be lovemaking, because they would know that they were desired because of what I see in them, not just what I place in them. But Amanda is just a fantasy that is best left that way, and if she keeps her head she'll make some guy lucky. I just don't see her staying with her sperm donor. And I don't think I could fit her into a expanded relationship like I'd like Judy and I to have with Sarah. That's it.... Amanda reminds me of Julie, and I equate those feelings and thoughts with her! Man this helps...
So I carry these secrets, well, Judy knows I'd love to bring Sarah into our bed and home, but Judy and I don't share a bed now. She has just too many bags, but I think she understands that I need more than just her anymore. She knows she doesn't give me what I want or need, and I have tried for too long to bring down the walls she has, and I didn't put most of them there. If Sarah or Amanda, or even Steph saw the 26 year old version of me and Judy wasn't my wife, man it'd be all over. Although I see Amanda and Steph like daughters, and like Patty like a sister, just could never feel comfortable tapping it and don't get the thought, but any man still sees the body parts.
I think back to my past and wish I maybe chased Ginny or tried to find Julie or Bethany. I let so many other starts down that path stay too casual, and maybe if I explored it more then I'd have the lifestyle that fits me. Back then I smothered the love I felt with friendship and should have smothered the friendship with love, and by smothering I mean not like cutting off air... more like blueberries on pancakes...
Just thinking of the sexual side any man sees sex all the time, and I'm no different. If I let that run wild, it makes my mind race with aspects of lust.
Now I'm thinking about sex adding blueberries... a vision of a bed with a white sheet, Sarah with blueberries all over her and me eating them off, lapping up syrup and a finger and a tongue. Now I see Amanda, drenched is sweat, locked eyes with her and I caress every part of her body. As much as I think of her as a friend, I can't help but think wild thoughts. All men have them. Man if these women knew how wild my thought were and that because of what I see in them what runs through my mind.... Now the two of them together.... I'd have to just sit back and watch and be their love toy. Me and my sexual fantasy side....
Judy thinks I fantasize about other women when I'm with her, but I think about her when I'm with her. I might sometimes think about someone else, but it's them with Judy and I... My fantasies don't betray her, they include her, and she's too stupid and wrapped up in preconceptions to ever see that. I may have wild thoughts, but she is just as much there as anyone, if not more.
Judy I think just needs to go on a vacation and get some strange so she can get her groove back... even though it never has been up to my level. Sometimes I think what she really needs is to be tied to a chair and made to watch porno with a vibrator in her until something awakens in her. Something to get her to just shut-up and fuck. She says we need to talk and has all this discussion shit, but that is like a path that is an endless circle.
People shouldn't make sex emotional, but allow it to be healing and an emotional aspect and expression of something greater.
Damn a repressive society.
Besides, men always have that fantasy, and many women deny themselves that because of a label they'll even place upon themselves. Why shouldn't women get every hole filled and be so cum drenched and satisfied that they have a smile for a week without feeling dirty about it?
A partner who might swing with me every few months or so would fix that wild lust craving for me. One of my favorite things in the world..... and I've adjusted to life without it, but I if Judy loves me really she'd want to make sure I had some of that every once in a while, and I want her to share it with me. Not often, but sometimes.
Just think of life if everything you do had to be with your spouse. You could go bowling, but never play teams, or basketball, always one on one. All beaches are reserved for you both, and no one else could go on the merry-go-round or Ferris wheel... And everyone looks at other people and part of them wants to, so why not, if it is controlled and has rules and respect and love and is shared.... it can make a relationship better. My car example is great. Say you love a Mustang, have one and drive it every day. Then one day you get a chance to drive a Corvette, if you know you're driving home in it, why not? You get to experience the sensations of the different car, and so what if it has better turning, maybe the old Mustang has a better ride and can pull a boat and is more comfortable. You'd always see Vettes and wonder what they drive like, and begin to resent the Mustang because you're stuck in it every day. You could take a fast spin, enjoy the speed and ride, and get out happy for the experience but more happy you're back in your old car.
Me, I just want two cars, like a new Mustang that has that retro look and the one it's modelled after. They look good together, and each has their finer points, and it doesn't matter which one I drive, I'm happy I have both, and they both will get washed and waxed all the time, because I'd be proud and blessed to have them...
Ain't love a bitch!
I mean, there's this classic rock hippie, and I'm more alternative, and other aspects of personality that I wish fit me better, and the inhibited side that just isn't me. If it wasn't for my son sometimes I'd be gone, but stay as I do, when I'm 50 and 60 and 70 and 80 I'll be younger than most people I know, and I just hope I get her back, that I see the Judy I knew come back alive. But at nearing 50 I'm still into new music and have a young mind.
I remember a few people in my life I've met and known who carry that young mind and heart, and I never saw age in them. But I see some of it only in the mirror at times. I look at my eyes and they still blaze, and it sucks to live without someone who can understand that fire and intensity.
I love the touch of a lover, and the passion of companionship, where warm friendship and caring fill every dark corner within my being, and mine in theirs. An honesty and ability to share everything, and feel comfort in just a gaze, let alone a soft touch.
When you have an understanding, with friends or lovers, there is just so much beauty there. It fills you, but I feel like an amputee. I'm a runner with no legs, and a swimmer with no arms.
In a few months I'll be 48, and at this point in my life I should have a real partner. I'm fucked by 29 or 30 years, because like there is a physical and a mental age, there's also a spiritual one, and in that one you are so old that you're a child, filled with both reverence and wonder.
I see women every day and can see automatically what there could be there, and in so many, even and sometimes especially young ones, there is a sadness that what could be isn't, and all they need is what I need. I wish Judy would give me that, like she used to.
Yet I'm trapped by duty to my son. It is so bittersweet.
With Judy I could have it, but I'm also designed for an expanded relationship base. If she could let go of her bullshit and share herself and me we could have that passion, where jealous ownership is not in the equation. Then there's the sexual passion aspects. Taking other lovers should expand and grow the love you have with a partner. Share what you have and be happy you have that moment, and if any woman was part of something like that, with total freedom, being so set free from that selfish ownership would just blow their minds.
So now I have this self understanding and no one to share it with. Dreams are great unless they remain always and forever denied. She wants that ownership marriage, and I think friendship, companionship, and love can be even better if you are open to share yourself is a little bigger circle.
I think of past lovers, and the love doesn't ever seem to fade. But all that takes common ground that no one ever seems brave enough to embrace.
Everyone has thoughts of other people even when they are in a great relationship, and I don't ever want to deny any lover of mine that joy, as long as there love and devotion for me is true enough for them to come back after they go explore and enjoy, and man, to share it is even better.
As far as being in the South, I think a big reason why it is so bad here is mostly due to how men treat women as property or dirt. Women seem so desperate for real love that they also get jealous over pieces of shit.
I love my wife, but I'm not in passionate love with her. I wish she and I could have that again, but I want that and more. We could have that, and would if we included maybe Sarah, and that would work. Sarah has her problems, but she dreams about much of what I do, but she's hung up on that same line of bullshit that everyone accepts as "normal".
Amanda has that fire and spark, and is with an asshole, sadly her sister and even her mother have that same problem. I think of her because she reminds me of Julie a lot, and I'm attracted to the alternative goth thing just because, but the age gap there is too vast. I wish Judy had some of those tastes though.
I see also Steph, and hope she finds someone good. I feel for her more like a daughter. She's turned sexy, and I saw her that way, attracted to her physically, or just had that passing thought of wonder what it would be like, and it would be like incest. Maybe could be like that if I didn't know her when she was young, but she's in love with a jerk as well, and I don't give that long, because her old man takes her for granted as well..... I analyze this because I see her in that southern relationship baggage trap, and hope she rises above it. I think she will. I think she'll dump that loser and be better off.
But the thing is as a lover and mate and father I really am the bomb, but I need a partner because I allow my good energy to be taken without getting what I need back.
I think of Hailey, and it was like watching a plane catch fire and crash to the ground, because Dave was selfish and stupid and she was so much wanting love that she lost what was best in her. I see her as just another example, because I think women need to discover and use their power and have men that complement them. I see the same thing repeated so often.
And as far as a male friend to share women and life and friendship with, like I had when I was a live-aboard back in Jersey, they just aren't in my world and down here they don't get it, and if they have the sexual desires I do they are usually just freaks, with no sense of the spiritual side of it all, because like I think every man should have more than one woman I think every woman should have a variety of men, and naturally the group encounters where the recreational side of things gets explored without there being the stigma of perversion. When that level of pure desire is met nothing is perverted and the twisted aspects vanish. It becomes something to savor, not something to grasp to fill an empty void.
Sarah would be love and passion, and Amanda would be like reliving the past. Now there's 30 years between us and 23 between Sarah and I, but that could vanish as well, and the sex, romance, and passion with either of them would be what I know it would be. Either one of them would be breathless and spastic with elation if we made love, and it would be sex but if would be lovemaking, because they would know that they were desired because of what I see in them, not just what I place in them. But Amanda is just a fantasy that is best left that way, and if she keeps her head she'll make some guy lucky. I just don't see her staying with her sperm donor. And I don't think I could fit her into a expanded relationship like I'd like Judy and I to have with Sarah. That's it.... Amanda reminds me of Julie, and I equate those feelings and thoughts with her! Man this helps...
So I carry these secrets, well, Judy knows I'd love to bring Sarah into our bed and home, but Judy and I don't share a bed now. She has just too many bags, but I think she understands that I need more than just her anymore. She knows she doesn't give me what I want or need, and I have tried for too long to bring down the walls she has, and I didn't put most of them there. If Sarah or Amanda, or even Steph saw the 26 year old version of me and Judy wasn't my wife, man it'd be all over. Although I see Amanda and Steph like daughters, and like Patty like a sister, just could never feel comfortable tapping it and don't get the thought, but any man still sees the body parts.
I think back to my past and wish I maybe chased Ginny or tried to find Julie or Bethany. I let so many other starts down that path stay too casual, and maybe if I explored it more then I'd have the lifestyle that fits me. Back then I smothered the love I felt with friendship and should have smothered the friendship with love, and by smothering I mean not like cutting off air... more like blueberries on pancakes...
Just thinking of the sexual side any man sees sex all the time, and I'm no different. If I let that run wild, it makes my mind race with aspects of lust.
Now I'm thinking about sex adding blueberries... a vision of a bed with a white sheet, Sarah with blueberries all over her and me eating them off, lapping up syrup and a finger and a tongue. Now I see Amanda, drenched is sweat, locked eyes with her and I caress every part of her body. As much as I think of her as a friend, I can't help but think wild thoughts. All men have them. Man if these women knew how wild my thought were and that because of what I see in them what runs through my mind.... Now the two of them together.... I'd have to just sit back and watch and be their love toy. Me and my sexual fantasy side....
Judy thinks I fantasize about other women when I'm with her, but I think about her when I'm with her. I might sometimes think about someone else, but it's them with Judy and I... My fantasies don't betray her, they include her, and she's too stupid and wrapped up in preconceptions to ever see that. I may have wild thoughts, but she is just as much there as anyone, if not more.
Judy I think just needs to go on a vacation and get some strange so she can get her groove back... even though it never has been up to my level. Sometimes I think what she really needs is to be tied to a chair and made to watch porno with a vibrator in her until something awakens in her. Something to get her to just shut-up and fuck. She says we need to talk and has all this discussion shit, but that is like a path that is an endless circle.
People shouldn't make sex emotional, but allow it to be healing and an emotional aspect and expression of something greater.
Damn a repressive society.
Besides, men always have that fantasy, and many women deny themselves that because of a label they'll even place upon themselves. Why shouldn't women get every hole filled and be so cum drenched and satisfied that they have a smile for a week without feeling dirty about it?
A partner who might swing with me every few months or so would fix that wild lust craving for me. One of my favorite things in the world..... and I've adjusted to life without it, but I if Judy loves me really she'd want to make sure I had some of that every once in a while, and I want her to share it with me. Not often, but sometimes.
Just think of life if everything you do had to be with your spouse. You could go bowling, but never play teams, or basketball, always one on one. All beaches are reserved for you both, and no one else could go on the merry-go-round or Ferris wheel... And everyone looks at other people and part of them wants to, so why not, if it is controlled and has rules and respect and love and is shared.... it can make a relationship better. My car example is great. Say you love a Mustang, have one and drive it every day. Then one day you get a chance to drive a Corvette, if you know you're driving home in it, why not? You get to experience the sensations of the different car, and so what if it has better turning, maybe the old Mustang has a better ride and can pull a boat and is more comfortable. You'd always see Vettes and wonder what they drive like, and begin to resent the Mustang because you're stuck in it every day. You could take a fast spin, enjoy the speed and ride, and get out happy for the experience but more happy you're back in your old car.
Me, I just want two cars, like a new Mustang that has that retro look and the one it's modelled after. They look good together, and each has their finer points, and it doesn't matter which one I drive, I'm happy I have both, and they both will get washed and waxed all the time, because I'd be proud and blessed to have them...
Ain't love a bitch!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)