Sunday, January 11, 2009

things to smile about

Christmas was fun. All recent happenings have put my mindset right where it has been.... It just seems so old dealing with Judy the way she is and it's sad when I think of what I lost by having a child with a woman with so many problems, and she doesn't even see how devoted I really am. Sometimes I have to just stop helping her because I enable her to get bailed out when she needs to wake up and motivate, and quit the pills before it destorys her digestive system or kills her.
Well, anyway, I'm happy because of my son, period, and at least I have my dreams....

We had John as a houseguest for Christmas, and gave him his first real Christmas since he was 15. That felt good, and my Judy was upbeat for that. I'm just fearful the eat/no eat/no eat/no eat/eat/no eat thing won't land her back at Baptist. I give it a month before she's back. Maybe this time they'll figure out how to fix her. But even that won't work if she doesn't want to fix herself, and works to make it happen.
We pulled Christmas out of our ass again, which is fine with me. Judy did well getting it together as well. I was depressed and she actually noticed and didn't make me feel guilty for just not having the will or energy to keep it up. I wear a face they see, and they don't see the worry I have, mostly because I can't fix them, and them being broken breaks me.
But I think 2009 will start weird, good then bad then good then bad, then ending decent, then I just don't see us here that much longer, maybe sometime end of the year or 2010. In a way it is sad because this is where Judy grew up, and I know how I feel about my home in Jersey, but home is where your heart is at, so my home is in Alex, and Judy, and hopefully Sarah and the girls will get a new start. Maybe that will be with us, but Sarah's problems I think she allows or creates too much and don't think she's emotionally secure enough to change yet.
I'd like them both to stay friends, but some bullshit will happen to ruin it, because they both can't manage pills. Too many people have that problem. I'd rather stay with the potheads. They don't get violent and don't steal, and fit Judy's mindset better. I think if I could design life I'd have Judy and I get close to a couple we like who are like us and swing a little, maybe trade for a night, but I need to work on things with her first, and get her well. I don't think she will get better until she goes under a knife and someone fixes her plumbing. When I see that fixed, then it's time to get her way down or off methadone, and after that just back in shape and motivated, which would allow me to fix my weight.
I just stay so stressed, and am sick of the pill drama. I am also sick of always having to be the one to initiate sex and only getting a bare minimum when I do. I want a woman who wants me and wants to please me "just because", and likes sex enough to need it enough to at least masterbate.

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