More Drama

Wanda came over and was her normal loud self, and she got behind me and made a gesture when my back was to her where she did some sexual dance floor giggle shit putting her arms on my hips and Sqt. Pepper I guess thought she was attacking me and he bit her, so our dog is in quarintine by the city and Wanda, who was hunting for pills, made excuses about the money she owes me and isn't paying and I guess she thinks that our dog is dangerous and is doing the world a favor, and maybe has dollar signs in her eyes, so Sqt. Pepper has to have a dangerous dog hearing.
She is a certifiable nut job anyway, and I really don't like her. I think she's obnoxious and selfish so we're at war. I am sick of asshole people. The only sane people I even associate with in my neighborhood are Sarah, Kenny, Darryl, and Henry. Everyone else I'd say could suck my dick or kiss my ass, but I wouldn't even give them that pleasure. This neighborhood is a collection of sneaky worthless pieces of shit, and you can keep Florida, this part of it anyway.
I make the joke that moving to Jacksonville was moving into a tropical depression, and I mean that.
Sarah has been sick now that there isn't a steady supply of pills making it her way. I allow her to get one a day so she doesn't get too sick, and Judy is doing fairly well on four or five, but it is better for everyone if they BOTH get off that shit. Their heads will eventually clear, and all the kids and I will have better out of them in the long run.
I am still talking to Sarah about getting away from Chris, but she's brainwashed and thinks that it would be wrong to take the kids away from their dad. Thing is he isn't a father or a dad. He is a sperm donor who invests so little in them it is sickening.
Sarah circles around people who are pill heads to get her "fix", and that is standard junkie behavior. Kenny was right when he told Judy that it's like a cat going to where it gets fed, but the poor cat is eating poison, and it is sad to see what pills and depression do to these women.
It falls on me to be the pill Nazi, pill police, or whatever..... but if I don't take charge of them they will only get worse. Judy I have a direct control over, and I wish I had that control over Sarah as well, so I could fix her like I am now fixing Judy.
They really are a lot alike in so many ways, and I don't think Sarah would easily find a guy to take her away from all the bullshit, which means her beautiful girls will have Chris as a male role model. That means they will wind up fucked up. I think Judy understands my point more as time goes by, and I think she would get many rewards having a friend so close and those beautiful girls as part of our lives, even on the terms I want.
Sarah admits to me she loves me and wants me, and Chris isn't the thing she feels guilty about. She doesn't want to hurt Judy, and she has been scarce because we both think she doesn't want to ask for pills from us even when she is sick, and is maybe a bit embarrassed about it all. It must be a low feeling and hurt your self-esteem to be hooked on and need pills, be put down all the time by someone who gave you children and maybe even loves you but treats you like shit all the time, and does everything to control you.
But Judy is really trying more. It doesn't change how I feel about what I want, and I don't see it as a betrayal in any way to love and want Sarah in my life because I want her in our life, and the reasons are because everyone would do better if we ally ourselves with each other and let love take us where it will. Sex I could get anywhere, but love and companionship not. It would simplify our lives if we all teamed up, not complicate it. A driver and a mechanic can't win a race without a pit crew, and you can't win a baseball game with just a pitcher and a catcher. You need a team, and if you are all loyal to each other it works our so much better.
Pressure makes stress, and stress destroys mental and physical and spiritual health. But when you act like a team you have to be humble enough to not let ego or other petty emotions get in the way. When you allow yourself to embrace your own humility and shortcomings and let those who love you help you, and they actually act in your best interests and come through for you, everybody wins.
It will take time to win my cases, but when I do we will eventually sell, move, and find a better life, and build a better life, and I hope Sarah joins us because I see her and Judy as being best friends that make each other better, and me as the one who makes it possible for everything to fall into place for all of us. I think that once we do make a move and have a place for her that she will take up on the offer, and I think her bad habits will vanish like some of Judy's are. I never have given up on Judy, and she has gotten bad over the pill shit, and it is slowly killing her. If I left she might fall apart, and I made a vow to stick it out and love her, and that is what I am doing. I could easily just pack up and leave and find a woman that would be glad to have a guy like me, but I made a commitment and you don't fall in and promise love then bail when things get tough. In sickness and health is what they say, and pills have been a really bad sickness that I hate. I hate junkies and they make me sick, but they are sick, so it is like hating cancer or leukemia or a heart attack. If I can reduce or eliminate these nasty-ass pills, I walk away with the woman I fell in love with and married, and if I get Sarah as well, then I get love times two, Judy gets a partner who is a best friend to share all that girl stuff on a level that so few people ever get to share, and we have a a partnership that makes life more enriching for all of us. I just hope Judy starts to see the logic and soundness of my view in this and that Sarah gets honest enough with her to tell her she loves me and would like the idea.
The real joy would be if Judy and her had some physical elements to their relationship. Judy says she doesn't have any desire for that, and I think that is part of the repressive South thing, but if she can get past gender and just be thankful that there is love working there that it would give them an intimacy that makes them two halves of one whole. Pleasure is pleasure, and intimacy is intimacy, and love is love, and when you hit a certain level of closeness it can be a beautiful thing to share friendship love sex with someone. I don't think it would ever be romance, but hell, Judy and I still have great sex and it's like pulling teeth to get her to have sex now.
She allows too much weight from bullshit to effect her sexual side, and mental-pause has taken some of her sex drive, methadone even more, and depression the rest. My philosophy is to keep romance in the bedroom, not your daily problems. Sex heals, gets rid of stress, builds bonds, and is something that is just good no matter how you look at it, that is, unless it is a tool to control or weapon to take from someone, and the selfish and jealous and insecure do that. I think when life gets better that her sex drive will get better as well, but until I am getting woken up with head at least once a week because kitty needs to be pet I won't be happy, and neither will she. Sarah has also lost some of her desire for sex. She says she just doesn't want it like she used to, and that is stress and being put down and pills in her as well.
Well, if these two were in a life like I want to make for us they would be so happy and I would be doing so right by them that they would be wanting to reward me with passion and tenderness and love, and if they could see it as when one provides that or shares it with me they both do, then they would make me such a happy man that I would be rewarding them by being almost a servant to them and doing the romantic stuff as the happy whirling dervish I once was, leaving a wake of happiness and laughter, and being the father I am, and being motivated to do those great things, well, it could be magical. The energy that it would create in me wuld do us all good, and Judy would find freedom in it.
I have that good decent loving kind strong man inside of me with little means to express it, and my own life depresses me and I carry that and hide it as best I can, and I do get angry because most of all it is there and I can't live it, and no one listens to me or lets me lead. I like it that Judy is independent and speaks her mind, but she needs some humility and to allow me to do my job and just back me up more. I'm right about more than she admits I am, and have been all along. It's just not her nature to submit even when she's wrong.
But I intend to break down and through those walls and fix everything, and be open to whatever changes come, and make the best of it all.
Right now I have to deal with saving Sgt. Pepper, getting the car fixed, paying bills in a bad economy with no working car, solving legal issues, fixing Alex, winning cases, and so many other little things that if i didn't have this resolve I'd jump off a bridge. I am getting my partner back slowly, and I missed her. I just have so much work to do.