Chris has been such a dick to Sarah. They just got their income tax back and he blew it all on himself, drugs, video games... but not on her or his girls. Sarah needs to stand up to him or leave him, but she started young and feels trapped and is just plain too good for him.
Judy was in the hospital again, bitch just doesn't take care of herself, which is another reason why she disappoints me so much.
Sarah admits to me she thinks about being with me despite my age and weight and everything, but feels guilty about even thinking about it because of Judy, and is afraid because she feels guilty about Chris, and doesn't want to hurt Judy, and I know she wants Judy as well.
Chris haunts her all the time and she can't shit without him up her ass, the verbally abusive bastard.
Wouldn't cloning be a nice option?
She ate out a girl a while back and told Chris about it because even though she wasn't having sex with him, he still got an STD and blamed her for it, and I know the bastard cheats...
Now by cheating I mean fucking someone else, but that's for a sex only thing in the wrong way. I think a couple should choose together who they sleep with or include, and it should be like dessert, unless you both want to have a friendship/sexual relationship with them.
I almost put his lights out a few days ago when we went up to Food Lion to try to jump their car. He was so abusive, and I did tell him to simply shut his face as he was yelling at her like she was dirt in my car. He pissed away all that money, and just lies all the time.
Then Amanda, who has been stopping over after work sometimes. We're friends, but I'd love to have that progress into a sexual and partly romantic friendship, maybe something private just between she and I, because being together would show her how love was meant to be and she would give me part of what I'm missing. It would make life and celibaty easier to deal with.
Her sperm donor is a royal asshole and she's so much better than that, and a sexual companionship and lighthearted friendship would do worlds of good for her as well, because I think I know what she needs and can give it to her. I know she sees me without age like I see her without age. She's smart, just maybe lacking experience, and her drive gets to be a chore because of the muck she goes through, but her passion about how she see what is wrong with stuff like the state of politics and how people are just matches me so well.
I can't wait for her to get into college where she belongs. I think more than sex I just want to sleep and cuddle naked with her with a night of soft kisses and massage, and just enough sexual release that it can be forgotten, even masturbating for each other... but there it is... the idea of her naked, man, how could I not make such complete love to her? I would be the teacher-friend and she would be the comfort and release and touching part of my past. That's something Judy and I would have a hard time with each other over, but Judy could find it if she wanted, that "teacher/mentor/lover" thing, where you get to exercise your experience in a passing way and give part of yourself to someone for them to carry through their life. I could see Judy use her charms to fix a few young guys, but what I don't get is her using them on me. It doesn't matter how nice or anything I am, she usually just resides on the couch. Period.
Maybe I wouldn't think that if Judy threw herself at me like she wanted and needed me. I feel used. I think most guys would have run by now. But I have the hope that when she gets better she will. I don't know of many guys who would have stuck it out with her. I know I have my faults, but being depressed for so long has warped her and she doesn't even see it.
Maybe things will change. I guess that's why in part I have an attraction to girls a little younger, I see myself staying more young minded as I age, and know my abilities, and know what they could offer me and Judy and I together if she could get past her mindsets and do more to embrace mine, which were there long before her.
Age so much shouldn't divide lovers, quality of character should.
Yeah, I'm fucked by 20-30 years........

There are times I'm just so content and happy. Alex had a good day, and was wonderful to Sarah's girls when they all came over, and I made most of dinner, and had all of the girls crawling all over me, and Judy and Sarah were a little down, and I didn't mind it too much. I can pick up the slack. But this is what I'm talking about. The girls treat me and react and act with me like I am their dad, and in some areas I'm more of that for them than Chris. Alex is in a defiant spell and getting worse, and I need for Judy to see the need for a harsh hand and limits for him. He is spoiled like her and bitches about what he doesn't have instead of what he does, and that is all Judy. I try to explain it to her and get HUSH! She just refuses to listen.
Sarah goes through some of that with Chris, different but the same, and we relate to each other. She understands, but she doesn't tell Judy because she is so afraid of hurting their friendship. Judy holds back on Sarah sometimes for the same reason. They both just function and are so much happier when they are together, and that is something rare, to be so on the same page with someone who isn't out to backstab you. They are safer as well as friends. I'm pragmatic, and just want to see what works be allowed to work.
It eliminates my stress, much of it, just when they are together and dealing with things, because they motivate each other. I feel healthier and more relaxed. But getting Judy back to happy, even if I lived a lie and devoted my body to just hers, won't be complete without Sarah at this point, and Judy won't be either. Judy at her best would be amazing, and I want to see it lived instead of just in glimpses. They have the real makings of a lifetime ally and best friend, a total confidant. That is so rare. They need to realize just how special that is and put a marriage commitment to their friendship and companionship. The misconceptions about this being about my dick bothers me. I want the tenderness and companionship and to be their third wheel sometimes, and for Judy and I to be second parents to the girls, and even for Sarah to take a more assertive role with Alex, so we can have 3 to 1 odds there.
But here comes the Taoist again, whatever flows will flow, and be will be. I can only guide the boat. In the end, it is the currents of the river that determine exactly where I make landfall....

things to smile about

Christmas was fun. All recent happenings have put my mindset right where it has been.... It just seems so old dealing with Judy the way she is and it's sad when I think of what I lost by having a child with a woman with so many problems, and she doesn't even see how devoted I really am. Sometimes I have to just stop helping her because I enable her to get bailed out when she needs to wake up and motivate, and quit the pills before it destorys her digestive system or kills her.
Well, anyway, I'm happy because of my son, period, and at least I have my dreams....

We had John as a houseguest for Christmas, and gave him his first real Christmas since he was 15. That felt good, and my Judy was upbeat for that. I'm just fearful the eat/no eat/no eat/no eat/eat/no eat thing won't land her back at Baptist. I give it a month before she's back. Maybe this time they'll figure out how to fix her. But even that won't work if she doesn't want to fix herself, and works to make it happen.
We pulled Christmas out of our ass again, which is fine with me. Judy did well getting it together as well. I was depressed and she actually noticed and didn't make me feel guilty for just not having the will or energy to keep it up. I wear a face they see, and they don't see the worry I have, mostly because I can't fix them, and them being broken breaks me.
But I think 2009 will start weird, good then bad then good then bad, then ending decent, then I just don't see us here that much longer, maybe sometime end of the year or 2010. In a way it is sad because this is where Judy grew up, and I know how I feel about my home in Jersey, but home is where your heart is at, so my home is in Alex, and Judy, and hopefully Sarah and the girls will get a new start. Maybe that will be with us, but Sarah's problems I think she allows or creates too much and don't think she's emotionally secure enough to change yet.
I'd like them both to stay friends, but some bullshit will happen to ruin it, because they both can't manage pills. Too many people have that problem. I'd rather stay with the potheads. They don't get violent and don't steal, and fit Judy's mindset better. I think if I could design life I'd have Judy and I get close to a couple we like who are like us and swing a little, maybe trade for a night, but I need to work on things with her first, and get her well. I don't think she will get better until she goes under a knife and someone fixes her plumbing. When I see that fixed, then it's time to get her way down or off methadone, and after that just back in shape and motivated, which would allow me to fix my weight.
I just stay so stressed, and am sick of the pill drama. I am also sick of always having to be the one to initiate sex and only getting a bare minimum when I do. I want a woman who wants me and wants to please me "just because", and likes sex enough to need it enough to at least masterbate.