3:03 am, and I'm weblistening to an alternative station from Mass that just kicks ass. Save It For Later by The English Beat is playing, and it reminds me of the kind of girl I really need as a mate, memories of The Shore and dancing and sand grinding and a diner at 5 am and frazzled......
I need someone with a spirit the can't be quenched, with a passion and hunger for love and life and a craving. I don't want an old woman who will go to bed without taking me there with her just to be with me, because she loves me and needs my touch. You can't teach that to someone, and after spending too much time trying to show someone if they don't get it they just don't.
It is completely what I need, what I miss and want and must have, and I will have no loyalty to someone that isn't willing to give that to me when I've begged for it for years. It is the surrender to love and to the "other" that completes you, and someone unwilling or unable to do that just doesn't get it, because they just don't give it. You give up that and you get so much back that it fills and energizes you.
The other part is the style that goes with it. My taste runs towards a girl who will wear a goth skirt, prissy shirt, pro keds, and that's it, and look more complete just because of how she carries herself.... call it eclectic, but that turns me on to no end. And yes, I really am the same as i was, maybe not at 17, but close. I feel more like I did when I was 22, 23, with aspects of me at 17 and 18 and 26, 27. I want a woman who will wake me up at 4 am to dance to the radio and maybe a for a kiss. You have to really step outside of your "self" and engage your lover, with passion and desire, and show them you need them and are pleased by pleasing them, and not hear shit for it or have them throw up some stupid bullshit when that starts to go down.
Life in the South, moreover life in Jacksonville, sucks ass royal. It really is a whole culture of selfish people who just don't get it. If you are honest with people, they attack you and try to use it against you. It is like they expect you to be selfish and stupid as well and all get off on how they can bring each other down and not be responsible to what they should be. There are excuses everywhere, and drama, and games, and abuse of the worst kind.
I have had much of who I am smothered and destroyed by life here, and my choices to try to make work what just doesn't fit, or even tries to meet me half way.
Carolina would maybe inspire that change, and so would the spark that bringing Sarah into our life, or if I could clone myself and make myself a younger me for Amanda, or a step back in time and a life with Julie. Or find a jin and have him zap that into Judy...
I was meant to be in a place where you don't have to explain what it means to be a Unitarian or defend being a democrat, where there are more restaurants than fast food joints, and there aren't pawnshops, hookers, crackheads, bails bondsmen and blood banks for case and other leech businesses that thrive on the suffering of others. I just simply don't fit here, and never will.
Judy can rise to that, but how do I explain all this to her and get her to change. And I think it is normal to love and not deny love, and I do love my wife, but without that passion I need her to relent before I can let that passion flow again, because she has just hurt me too much and just doesn't see it, and I know Sarah has feeling for me she denies because of the circumstances, and Amanda because of the age gap. I'm so depressed and overwhelmed by everything that I feel like I'm sinking and losing my self.
I used to sing, feel light, happy, and now there's this cloud thing following every step, and I feel like I've already drowned and gone to hell.
Married to a wife who loves Pink Floyd and can't see that she's the one who built the wall...... and every time I try to bring any of this up it gets deflected and ignored and attacked, never listened to or considered. All I ever get back is some critical shit of how I have all these faults, but do I? Or these things the result of years of someone sucking the good like a vampire, never replenishing, and always just a bit more selfish without ever seeing it.
The "light" days were when I was around people who just never let bad shit weigh them down. They just ignored it and it vanished, because it had no hold or power. But when you send negative energy in waves after waves you eventually wear down everything, including your own dreams, will, and happiness.
I need a sunrise.....
a real one.