It Really Isn't Me

I just had sex with Judy, and it came with the usual battery of put downs and blame casting and list of problems I need to correct. Let's see, she doesn't enjoy it because I'm too heavy, but I kept on my knees so the only touching was my hands on her legs or ankles, and my dick in her. Not one part of my stomach on hers, but like clockwork came that "reason" she doesn't "enjoy" it, although sometimes when I do lay in with my weight she gets off just fine, so that isn't it. Then there was my "need" for psychological counseling because I bitch sometimes about problems that exist, but ya know, I'm not the one sleeping 12-14 hours a day. she starts to sleep at 9 or 10 or maybe stays up sometimes til 12, but not often, and she might....might get up with our son, and maybe has been a little better about that, but as soon as he's off to school she's back in bed sleeping until 12 or 1. Then there's the utter lack of housework. Dishes that stay dirty until I do them usually, but I go on strike now, so she might get them all done once or twice a week. She never cleans up after cooking dinner, and the floor gets dirty and it's me that gets at it, and she complains when I do the laundry because I make work for her, but left to herself there's always this pile of undone laundry and the house gets trashed.
She says she clean, and gives these "watch my fire" speeches, but the only fire I see is her going down in flames. She's lucky, most men don't do any housework at all. I do and get grief, or watch mer let Alex destory my tools and make messes while she stays parked on the couch. Depression and pills have destroyed her and she is in denial, maybe because it hurts her, I don't know.
When she is getting things done and functioning I am much more content, and she is so talented and can be so sweet, but it only comes in flashes. She wonders why I bitch at her sometimes, but she wastes our life and our love, and has a man who thinks she's wonderful and beautiful and ignores him, letting him waste away alone every night. So much talent just wasting away. Her depression wears me down, and I do blame her to a degree because I know what the truth of it all is. She wonders why I don't "care" or do things for her like I used to, but it is because every good effort of mine seems squandred, wasted. I fix something, make something good, and turn around and it all seems in vain. I have always had to be the one to initiate sex or romance. Most of the time I sleep alone, and she says I am mean to her, but it is a self-protective action to preserve what I can of what good remains in me that she hasn't hurt or taken for granted. If she gave me what I want and need she'd be overwhelme with passion and love again, but the true concern for how I feel and what I want never seems to be there. When she does things for me it always seems like she's doing it out of some selfish root reason. It isn't a gift unless you don't want anything back in exchange for it.

Alex will run wild with a bad temper, loads of drama and disrespect, a refusal to do his homework, but she makes continual compromises and allowances for him, and complains about me when I law down the law. He violates the rules because she lets him, and she doesn't see it. He has learned to walk on people from her, and this is a woman who just can't or won't shut up or accept that she might be wrong about things. I have a better understanding of him, but she trys to treat him like a friend or equal when it is her job to teach him and keep him in check, which is why he walks all over her and she can't control him unless it is tied to some sort of bribe, like "going to the store" If this kids doesn't experiences consequences for his acts he will continue to act bad, and when I get on him and try to do that, to make him have to come to us, she gets in the way and thwarts my efforts.
But I'm the one with all the problems according to her. I can be fresh out of the shower, yet she complains that I smell. I have taken a bath, put on cologne, brushed my teeth, gargles, and shaved, and she has complained, so that's just another lame excuse. I initiate sex, always, never her, and I have read enough on the Internet and lived enough to know there must be something in her twisted mind or body chemistry that it is her that is the problem. I'm taking testosterone by patches and have gotten back much of my youthful energy, because men produce less when they get older, but so do women, and it is a lack of it in them that destroys their sex drives, but a PhD couldn't convince this bitch that she might have problems or be the source of them, and she paints things to others that it's me because I am upset and fed up, but she hides those behaviors to others.
I told her tonight that in bed a man and woman shouldn't be discussing problems when being intimate, but just be glad they have a warm body and love next to them, and let go of the day's problems and get lost in that. That has a power to heal, but she uses it to attack. I ask her to just let that go and every time, every single time I try to tell her any of this I'm cut off and the litany of how it is all me comes back. Tonight she says my weight is a problem, but when you love someone things like age, weight, differences in outlooks and views, and a whole host of things just should fade away. real honest love sees past the superficial. It isn't like I am going out and away from her, I try to draw her in to love and depth, but she stays on her island of depression and sends waves of sour words at me. I don't doubt that she loves me, but there is no depth of expression in that love. Love, real love should make love, the pleasures and treasures of love, the primary things. I can see past her being toothless, which comes from her overuse of methadone for pain, but she has allowed her depression to take everything good and taint it. A woman who should be everything to me is slowly killing herself, and it kills me inside. I can't be an enabler anymore. She needs to make changes, and I'd be glad to help again if she tried more. But I REFUSE to be an enable any longer, ever again. It really is on her to make the steps needed at first. She snorts pills, and I call her a junkie, but she acts like one, so am I wrong for calling it like I see it? I never ha to go to the hospital because I was withdrawing, and never got into bad situations withmoney or other problems over drugs. She says she is hurt and I put it there, but she has problems that force me away from her, and I didn't put them there, and at this point it is not my job to try to fix them, but to tell her how I feel, what i think, and be tere fo her when she really does decide to make the changes that will save her life and marriage.
Back in the days when we did go out, and when I could get her to actually dance, there was a rigidness to her dancing. I flow and move with the music, and allow myself to melt into it, but she was always rigid, never in time or connected with it, and I guess that is a sign of how someone feels love or expresses it. She just never lets the passion of it all flow. Birds in flight bend to the swirls of the wind, and fish swim using currents, and trees sway, but the people in the world who are mechanical when there is no reason not to be are either grossly unaware or unable to let loose and melt into the things they need to connect with. They try to force the world, not flow with it. And that is how love should be expressed. You flow with it, in mental terms and physical expressions of it.
That also comes with an acceptance of our humanity and human condition, a sense that being flawed is a part of human perfection, because when you accept the flaws as not that important then you see past them, and can enjoy the beauty of what is so right and perfect.
I know what I don't sleep well, and it is sad. I'm not content, and I need love on the level I speak about, and without it I'm incomplete, and there's a longing that disrupts me. A content man never seeks an affair, because all a good man wants is to be satisfied. I hear Judy say all men will cheat, but she doesn't see that there's a condition there. You have to make a man content, in life and in bed, and women cheat the same way when they aren't. I wasn't the first one to cheat in our relationship, and she carried a lie about that for years before coming off of it. She'll say that was before we were married, but so what! But even back when she and I started I knew there was something missing, and I don't think I would have married her if she didn't get pregnant with Alex, but I am married to him more than her, and that is sad, and I didn't make it that way. I was faithful to a few women completely without ever a thought of "cheating"... a desire to expand the parameters with the right people maybe, but just passing thoughts, and not strong desires or needs. Now I have those thoughts and needs because I need love on a deep level and passion as well, and am denied, and know what can be if it was allowed to be. I would have looked outside of us a lot less if I had a reason to keep looking at her but you can't be so harsh on smeone, so neglictful and expect them to keep giving and giving without any rewards for it.
I have tried everything to get Judy to see it, because it would be such a waste to walk away from so much invested, and I know adding Sarah would heal her and us if she could see half of what I am talking about. I'd be happy if she found a lover to fill her needs and spark her passion and animal side, because she would heal from it, but she's too stuck in a funk to be able to let loose like love demands. People get conditioned to some really unhealthy and unnatural views and attitudes.
Yeah, silly as it sounds, I really think people should be required to have sex or masturbate at least five times a week, and be required to go away for a weekend every six months, or at least once a year, and have sex with a total stranger. Just to take the stigma off of jealousy and ownership of relationship sex and allow the repressed assholes an excuse to cut loose and get their funk on. It would put people on a footing where they have to perform emotionally better for each other to earn a higher place in each other's hearts. You'd have to be a better partner and more giving to earn the respect and admiration of each other, and it would devalue the ownership aspects of committed relationships.
The most peaceful primates are Bonobos, who have sex when they meet each other, before or after they share food, like all the time. They don't get that tension I think, and it is casual as eating together, communal as going out dancing together or going to a ball game. That's another way... like baseball, with no time limits...as opposed to the violence and pressure of football or basketball, fighting the time on a clock. In baseball you wait for a pitch, and it's a team thing but an individual thing. In football there's this warlike rigidity that to me destroys the relaxation and enjoyment of the game. When relationships of societies are like that, it creates a whole host of problems that cause the divorce rate we have as a people.
You can't teach someone to be that free. We all want to be, but so few escape the fear of allowing ourselves to be that honest. If you can be so honest to say to your lover "I love you but I like so-and-so and would like to have sex with them and spend some time with them... can I go out tonight and have some freedom and come home to you tomorrow?" And the other to be so secure that you are happy they are going out to enjoy themselves, and what people fail to see is that if that was a way of life your partner would come home renewed and refreshed like they were stuck at work for six months and just had a month long vacation, walking back into work with a smile and happy attitude because they had something for themselves. And if a couple can be that way together, damn, it would bond them so strongly, and then the pressure of commitment would vanish, and you would feel like your partner was an extension of you, which is why i think Judy and Sarah would do so well together under one roof, because there are the same dynamics in friendship, and where I can't fix things their relationship might just.
Sarah has that ability to find that level of freedom, and I don't mean being wild and going out fucking everyone, but in being able to be honest with emotions and feelings and thoughts, and letting love and friendship just flow without secrets or manipulations. At least the potential, but until she lets go of Chris, because anyone can see her pill problems and stealing come from and as a result of that relationship.
But open friendship/companion style life takes work like standard one on one marriages do, maybe even more work. Just a different kind of work. But when people can be honestly committed to a partnership, fighting and working for common goals, then it works. Besides, I think...no, I know I'd be a much better father figure to her girls, and Judy would find fulfillment in being the second mom to her girls, and Alex would have another woman to fight that he wouldn't be able to walk all over like he does Judy. With a sane and secure home I could go out and get things done and progress instead of always running damage control and being taken for granted. I want Judy to have the resources that will get her to do her best, and me as well, and Sarah is that for both of us, and us for her.
It's like knowing what horse is going to win a race and you can't get anyone to bet on 'em.
Sometimes the longshot, the most unlikely of all things, is the perfection we all seek.