I slept some tonight, but like most nights, I'm awake.
Yesterday Judy actually got me a card, and a box of candy. I love it when she shows real consideration for me.
Sarah had a shitty day, really bad, and you can see sadness coming off of her in waves.
But there was some good news... think I found a van for cheap, and can make payments on.
Still have so much hanging over me, but we'll try to shortsell the house, and take whatever we get and make a move, to Carolina, and to a fresh start somewhere better than here.
Bet if I had that farm Sarah would come, and Judy would let her, then under one roof things would just take shape. Maybe I'm pushing what I know would work too fast, but I just don't see a reason to wait any longer, and sometimes you have to be strong willed about things.
I really can see how an expanded relationship would do wonders for all of us. I'm tired of watching Judy hurt so much, and if we move without Sarah it would hurt both of them to lose each other, so in some ways we don't have a choice, and Sarah loves us both as we love her, and if it wouldn't hurt Judy romance would be between us. She and Judy are so much alike, I'd still be not getting the sex I wanted with even both of them, but the intimacy and friendship and compassion and love would be there, and that's what I want the most anyway. Sex is easy to find, but real companionship is rare, and that is what we can have to a level most people only dream of. I miss the passion I had with my wife, and am not looking for that in someone else, but even thogh Sarah denies it and other things she agrees with me on to Judy so not to hurt her, I think we all just need to be bigh enough to be totally honest with each other and accept and love and be loyal to each other despite of our shortcomings.
Truth be told, most men would have run from Judy over the pills and other bullsit, but I love her enough to see past that and just wish I coud help her get back to "her". She's amazing at times, but life is smothering us all. Some humans were meant to be just a little more tribal than others, and if we get rid of the selfishness and preconceptions and jealousy aspects that aren't natural, all of this just makes great sense. I can't be everything to Judy, despite how much she would want thing to be like that, and she can't for me, and Sarah the same, but what I don't fill Sarah does for Judy, and what Judy lacks Sarah fills, and for Sarah she gets a companion lover in me and a best friend companion in Judy. I don't want them to be bedmates and lesbians, although the wild sex side of me would love it, I want them to be happy and better friends than most people ever dream of being, and for us all to work together to make life the best it can be for each of us. e could all give our kids the best part of ourselves that way, and have the help of someone, two someones who love and care for us when we need that extra hand or are just unable to rise up to meet the road.
Alex would do better up there, and so would Sarah's girls, and sometimes it takes a blend of people to make things spark and work. Maybe what I want is something to fix Judy with as well.
But I'm saying what I have before...
but hell, I wrote a piece of poetry tonight...