Here we go again....

I tried again to get intimate with Judy and have sex. We got the new couch, and she lit candles, and then the mouth starts. Assigning blames, telling me the litany of what I need to fix, but never, never, never one single admission that she might be creating some of the problems, never an advance but there's this list of what is wrong with me and what I have to do for her. I begged her to just stop and let the moment be something good between us, to heal and fix us, but she just can't let go of bullshit. I know that if you just let what is good grow the rest has a way of working itself out and fixing itself.
Good relations are something you have to build in everything you do. You can't wallow in that bullshit, because there will always be bullshit and things you might not like about friends, family, lovers, associates and so on. But if you start with sour you get sour. If you dwell on bad that's all you wind up seeing. She says she read my journal and was waiting to hear something wonderful about her, but that journal wasn't about that because I've had 20 years to reflect upon it all. I don't have to or have a desire to rehash what I know as much as debate in my own words and mind what I am trying to know the meaning of. She is resentful and hurt it's not about her, but why does it have to be? It was about me, and what I am feeling and need. I know what I need from her, and she is just too unwilling to make any compromises to give that to me.
She also thinks it's sex, but that isn't the mainstay of what I need or want. I want romance and love and intimacy, and for years I have tried and wound up subjected to this running list of what I have to change and fix, and what I have to give to her.
I was a doormat for years, subjected to abuses she refuses to acknowledge or admit even might be there except the occasional " I know I have problems" Well, I many concentrate of that, but for years she has been killing herself with drugs and sloth and this need to see the worst, at least that is what I see getting expressed, and that is all she dwells on. She says I don't know her, but I do, and not just this image she fronts to people.
She is capable of so much more, and so much of me hates the squandered chances at greatness. Her guitar is an example. I got her strings and still haven't heard one note played, or even on the piano for that matter. She is critical of my use of the computer and the civic work and things I am an activist about, but those are things that make me us and enrich me and I get attacked for them. Why? Is it because it isn't her? Is she jealous of that?
I went from feeling good with a hard dick and love for her and her need to fuck it all up with her discourse and critical comments and suggestions made my dick shrink, my back ache, and I even have a headache now. She wants me to go to her? I did that for years, and damn her it is all her turn now. If she won't make real efforts to get past that, then she has to take those steps. She wants me to do the work in fixing us, but she doesn't make the efforts to fix us on her own. She says if Sarah wants to be with me it is fine with her just that she doesn't want to know, and won't share her marriage bed, then says if I do I have to move on, because she says I don't want her. But I do want her, despite wanting Sarah, and Sarah has told her and I different stories about how she feels about me, and I know what we have, and if Judy was okay with it Sarah and I would have something going on, but she doesn't want to hurt Judy and I can respect that, and Judy just doesn't get it about me I guess, that I'm done with being dishonest with myself. There is no reason not to let love rule my life, and she also said that if she loved someone else that it would hurt me, but that is true only if there is a betrayal there. I actually would love it for her to share love with another man, as long as she remembers where her home and husband are, and comes right back to it.
It that extra love heals her, enriches her, and makes her happy, then that would naturally do us good because she would feel better about her own life. I'd get the benefits from it. If some guy took her out, romanced her, made her content, satisfied, and happy, then she would be that way because it would go with her, and I would deal with a happier wife, and that would make me happier, and as a result I could express more love to her, which she would be more receptive to respond to, so we'd grow, that is, if we were honest with ourselves and each other about it all.
So instead of passion and tenderness I am once again alone, a squandered day out of a lifetime of just so many days, gone and wasted alone, because not to share the moment, once that moment is gone it is gone, and the memory of that moment is one that is alone, isolated, and cold.
If she knew the truth about how some people feel and think about some of my observations she'd be shocked, because she thinks everyone agrees with her, but I think they might agree because she badgers that into and out of people without even knowing it, because Judy judges and is critical of all views except her own is so many areas. I used to do so much more, but that feels like it was squandered as well. It got to feel like it was as if all my good intentions and efforts were nothing but enabling, and i am sorry, she may be doing better, but it will take a lot more to repair what she broke in me.
I'm done for now......................