Okay, do I deserve what I want? That's the question, because if I do, then I deserve for my lifemate to not only give it to me, but do so willingly, as much as she deserves for me to give he everything that she wants as I am able to, and get the best of me in return. To have me help her reach her dreams, even if I don't always agree with them or want to. it is that level of consideration that is paramount.
I am a decent guy, pretty honest with a strong sense of justice and fairness, tender and loving, and considerate. I don't ever set out to hurt anyone and I'm more giving than selfish in almost everything I do. I am good with kids, really good. I work hard often with no reward, and keep a smile as I am able even when nothing satisfies or pleases me. Yeah, I think that makes it so I deserve what I want to have to some degree. I have only recently gotten more demanding for what I want and need, because I can't keep living without getting what I need, or even a fraction of it, to be happy.
I am also oversexed and way too romantic, over emotional for a dude, have a teddy-bear heart with a tough leather skin. I am eclectic and erotic, and don't fit conventional logic and standards. I could be so much more given the resources I need, and am out of place here in the South. I might not be if I was more insulated or living in Fernandina or St. Augustine, but I live here in Bubba-hell! Where other guys are playing video games or going out hunting or drinking or whatever, I want to take Judy and Alex, and even Sarah and the girls to the zoo or a museum or the beach, and the only things stopping that right now are money and a good DL. once I fix that, then I can start doing stuff and making things happen like I used to, like a Suns game every week, or the park twice a week. But I can't do it safely at the moment, but that is something that I not only love doing, but Judy does as well, and we both want to bring Sarah and her girls along as well, and that is because there is just so much love, expressed or not, there. Judy is full of love, and so is Sarah, and all they need is the freedom in life to express who they are a little more and they will shine, just like I will again once I get some money working.
I want what I want and deserve what I want because I feel I have really earned it. I don't take up offers on pussy because that takes away and gives nothing back. The lust would be fun, but it would leave me empty.
Last night Judy and I made love on the new couch, and she actually was able to shut up and relax a little and let me make love to her. I didn't think about anyone else, although I'll bet she's wondering and assuming that I did. But she assumes too much, and she says I don't really know her, but I know more about her than she knows about me. I know she has a good heart and isn't out to hurt anyone ever, but she is also closed to knowing or accepting me for who I am and what I am, and that hurts me, and I hide that mostly. I am more altruistic than her that way, and am just sick of giving and not getting. Alex is being a bully, and we are both so concerned about it all, but I think this kid needs to know what the limits of his bad behavior are, and if he hits brick walls and gets punished with stern love and that is consistent, I think he will readjust to there being rules and it will all sink in.
Judy and I need to be on the same page fixing it, and more and more she is letting me have my way and shutting up and having to admit that what I do works, except when I hit him, like last night when I called her from Fernandina and she was crying because he was hitting the dog and not listening, so I popped him, as promised. i can't till him I will smack his ass every time he abuses an animal then not do it. My signals are steady. The more she allows and supports those things, the more control over him I get back. But I think this is more of a phase. he has many issues, and the money will give me the freedom to get us to my church more often, which will help him like it helped me. He is so much like me and I remember my transitions, and Judy is female and just doesn't get some of it. We are becoming more of a team again.
But last night was nice, and the lovemaking was tender... too short as always, but really relaxing and nice.
Now if she can just keep that up and leave the talk for when our clothes are on. But romance and lovemaking and tenderness heals when you know you are with someone who loves you.