Judy wrote a journal, and it is the same views, just like she never read or doesn't remember my journal except things she took out of context or without understanding. She mentions Amanda and Steph, but with Amanda there is a general attraction, but she is only 18 and so much of her reminds me of Julie, in attitudes and mannerisms and just general style. I can't help but have that part of me that loved and still loves Julie fall in love and be infatuated with her. But that was then and this is now, and that is just a passing fancy that I wanted to know why it was there. And as far as Steph, to finally see her as a young woman who is cool and recognize just how beautiful she is, and see what she is going through is more out of concern for her not falling into the Southern doormat trap that so many women do. I wouldn't go there. Naturally part of me would like to, just like I am sure when Judy looks at Josh or Zach and pictures herself 20 and free that if she wasn't where she is in life now and was 20 again that they would be cute and worth catching. I think we need to keep ourselves reminded of what it is we are attracted to and like that keeps that spark inside of us alive in the first place. There is a big difference in having a fantasy and understanding what it is in you that makes those desires and acting upon them.
As far as Jay goes, when I had gone to get her and her kids Judy and I hadn't been together in three months, and even once I got back she didn't touch me, and Jay was all over me. I liked Jay, but never loved her, and like I said before, a hungry man might be able to resist eating forbidden fruit, but a starving man has to eat, and sometimes eats the wrong thing. I was wrong, I apologized, I am sorry for so many reasons and yes, it was stupid, but I am the only one walking in my shoes, and Judy just can't let that go. She says she was "trying", but fifteen minuets of missionary boredom isn't what I call sex, and she was still devoid of tenderness and passion, and I was resentful and I guess part of me saw fucking her as payback for all the bitching and denial.
She also talks about hygiene, and if I had a better environment and wasn't driven into depression myself I'd be back to a more trimmed and clean me, but most of the time anymore I just don't give a fuck. Why bother, when almost every effort to be seductive and romantic is met with a barrage of complaints and put downs and blame casting. Judy is really good at assigning blame but never any good at admitting any. Further, she lives with a garbage bag or can right next to the sofa, looks at a kitchen filled with roaches and dirty food filled dishes and says "what's wrong with it?" like it's fine, and sleeps away so much of her life that it makes me resentful and sick and angry.
I could easily have taken up quite a few women on offers, or spend my extra money on beer at a bar or pills and games like Chris. I spend my last dollar for her or Alex all the time without any thanks often, and have to cover her slack, and this house really started falling apart when I stopped doing everything all the time. I refuse to do everything and empower her any longer. And she complains that I yell, but what do I yell about? I bitch that the house is a mess and needs to be cleaned, or when something is undone or wrong.
We have a piano, and my son plays stupid video games while she counts pills or grinds them up to snort them, and is more concerned and spends more energy on pill drama than she does on me, ever.
She never leads me to bed, seduces me or romances me. She complains I'm too heavy for sex with her, but she will bitch when I know, without a doubt, that I am being lighter than a skinny dude, and besides, even small and skinny could be forceful. I have slept with skinny chicks, fat chicks, big and small, and have done so when I was heavy and when I was more toned, and if you are in shape and full of desire none of that shit matters. You can't stay on a couch or in bed half of every day and be in any kind of decent shape. Any woman Judy's size could lay a man down and ride him, facing front or back, and work that dick til she makes the man underneath her turn to Jell-O. Why can't she? Why has she never, and she pretends that she was so much more active and in tune with me at one time, but the ONLY sunrise this bitch has ever shared with me was when I was taking her to the hospital because she ran out of pills, for like the 100th time. Man, that really motivates me to want to give it my all!
She says I bad mouth her to everyone, but just last night I was talking to Carmello and Sarah was in the back seat as we were going to work, and I said to him that Judy was trying to do better and complementing her, and Carmello kept saying "no comment", like if he said anything about what he thought of Judy it would be critical. He has known me and her long enough that anything I said to him wouldn't change his opinion about Judy, because he knows her and her side as well. He think when I worked up at Uncle Charlies and Judy would call and call wanting something he'd say like "Why can't she do that for herself?" And has see how hard I work and got upset with me because I was doing things that Judy should have been doing, and I didn't even say a word. he likes Judy, but thinks she is lazy and needs to get off her ass and motivate.
But Judy thinks I bad mouth her all the time, but usually I might just talk to people about my life and how I feel about things. if that sometimes is negative, oh well......
PHONE CALL! I just talked to Betty LeRoy, a client and friend, and I have work for her to do this week. I just asked her to be honest with me if I ever put my wife down and badmouthed her or if I would talk about my life and complain, usually that she was fucking up on her pills or just being lazy, and I am right, because Betty is really honest with me. I asked her if I ever tell her how much I love my wife and just want to see her fix herself, and she said "all the time". Judy assumes way too much, because anyone who is fucking up and in denial about problems will take anything as critical and blow it all out of purportion.
I wouldn't be talking to anyone about my problems if I didn't have any, and I'm honest about things as i see it. I even discuss my own shortcomings with them, and my friends more than most open up to me about their problems, like Betty talking about her family, how she felt about losing her mom, and the way her marriage changed when her husband became a Jehovah's Witness. I have a wide range of friends, and most of my clients become friends. Barbra and Ray have heard often how much I love my wife and am sick of her being sick and we discuss ways to try to get her out of her depression and away from using pills for everything, and way too much detail into gastric problems, which Ray shares with Judy.
Sarah and I talked again, and we got a lot of work done. She will be a great partner in painting because, generally, women take their time and as a result make less of a mess and do better quality work. Sarah says she would feel guilty and feels guilty about having desire for me like I do for her, and in no way wants to hurt Judy, and I respect that, because I would never want to hurt my wife, but for me to feel what I feel and why I feel it, and know what I know about people and life, the best thing for all of us is to be together, and Judy is stupid if she thinks it's all about sex. It's about companionship, love, romance, intimacy, and family.
I wish I could complete my wife and she me, but Sarah completes things in Judy and Judy to Sarah in some ways I never could, and they have a friendship that is stronger and can grow into a life partnership that is so seldom and rare in life. To have someone closer than a sister, who you can trust with every little thing, who is always concerned about you, and cares, that is a gift, and we each are weaker by ourselves, but can give each other parts of ourselves that make us each stronger, and I see my love and marriage to Judy being stronger and better with Sarah there, because the flowing of things between us each will do nothing but make us better, happier, more fulfilled people.
That is part of why I talk about my problems to some friends, because I am frustrated and need someone to talk to, and don't want to burden my mother. Sarah is good for both of us for that and we are good for her. We all have our problems, and we all need to be bound in a relationship where we share what is best in us with each other. For years Judy and I have needed something more to make things work better between us, and Sarah is it, and Sarah for years has needed a friend she can trust to always be looking out for what is best for her and a man who gives her what she deserves, and Judy and I are that.
If and when my wife ever realizes just how much I love her, and that what I feel is out of love for her, then we might reach a level so few people ever get to. I can't help who and how I am, I just know what will make me better, and at my best I can give more than I have been able to. I need to give that level, and the way it has been for so long has kept me sad and down, and I can't live that way any more. Life is too short for aiming low.