It's not about who I love more or why....

All of my thoughts about all of this are more out in the open, and it's down to a discussion now.
Sarah and I were talking, and she said Judy would feel maybe jealous, thinking "who does he like more?" and "why does he need her?". I can appreciate that, and it isn't as if one is better than the other, it's that they complement each other. It's like a lasagna, and what cheese is best. It's the mix of the two that makes the dish.
I see my love the same way. There are things about Judy and Sarah that are so much the same that I can't help but love them both. I remain devoted to Judy, and many other men would never have stuck it out, slept alone for years, and put up with the pills and the depression. It takes so much out of me, but I am always renewed by hope. What Judy fails to see that the love someone is able to give comes directly from the whole person, and the love they share, build and experience. If that love was allowed to flourish unrestricted, I could give more of myself from a more complete "me", and she would benefit from it, and Sarah as well, because she has that attraction and wouldn't mind expanding the parameters of our relationship, and I don't want any of me in the dark any more. I want what I feel expressed and lived. I want to take the love I get from Judy to grow and reside in a fulfilled "me", and the love I'd get from Sarah to be allowed to grow, making more love inside of me to share with Judy. Sex is a small aspect of that, it is the tenderness and warmth and sense of belonging that I want, and I want that with Judy as well. If I am happier, I will be more motivated and have more strength and ability to deal with the things that complicate our lives.
And Judy doesn't realize that the only thing holding Sarah back mostly is that she doesn't want to hurt her or their friendship, because she loves her, loves us both.
Further than that, and another big part of things are her kids. Judy and I both would love to be second parents to them. Judy really was meant to have girls and Sarah won't ever have a son, and they both honestly function and deal with things better together than they ever will apart.
Judy think Sarah doesn't want me or to be with me romantically, but she does and feels guilty about what it might do to their relationship.
And it wouldn't be a betrayal of anyone or anything. Being honest about what you feel is the purest form of loyalty. The power of the love inside of me, and the wealth of love, would be stronger if we stood on three legs instead of two. I could have an ally, and Judy as well, that will bring good things to all of us. We all want to be our best, and good energy compounds itself. The more of it you have, the better it is. There would have to be rules to it all, but I'm not talking so much about an open marriage as I am an expanded one. Sarah complements us both, and we are a great asset to Sarah and her kids, and that's love working there, love that needs to be shared and expressed and lived.
And I do love Judy, and want to make my life with her one of passion and richness, and it really shouldn't be defined by limitations. If Judy loves me then she'll want me to be happy even at self-sacrifice, and it isn't even a sacrifice that I asking. If she loved me then making me happy is a priority, and if that means sharing a small part of me to make a better "me", then she wins out in the end. She didn't marry a dick as a contract to own it, she married a heart and mind to share life with, whatever may come, and that demand for ownership is repressive and destructive, as is any jealousy. If you love something, you let it come to you on its own terms and accept even the things you don't like just to be able to share the things you do.
Besides, I don't mind having another woman I love ride my ass if I fuck up or motivate me, and Sarah is so concerned about Judy that her love and attraction with and for me is something that should be more of a gift and asset. If it was only sex I wanted I could get that anywhere.
I want my wife back, the woman she was when she was pregnant and breast-feeding, and it's not like the sexual side of what I wanted and who I was was ever a secret to her. She married me knowing what I was like and how I felt. Did she ignore that? Is she resentful that she couldn't change me?
If we all love each other, and if there is a desire to be intimate with each other, and there is, then we should all be happy enough that in life we have found something good and loving to share, and not see things with a selfish or repressive eye.
And if I don't share these feelings, including the feelings for Sarah, and even the ones that Sarah has for me, with Judy, then I do betray her and what it means to love? And what does it matter if there is kissing and sex and hugs, when those are simply natural expressions of what we feel? If I give my best, and we all do, and we don't allow our selfish and shallow fears and resentments to destroy it, our life together as friends and companions could be beautiful, and enriching, and all it takes is some real honesty and honesty to ourselves.
If Judy needed a love affair with someone to find that, to be a better person for it and happier, I'd want her to have it and work for it. She just isn't at that level of "give" for love, maybe never will be.
But I've been denied too much for too long for no good reason, and I'm sad I lost so much, but there's still time to fix things and make happy.