I am at odds, one part of me has so much love and want of and for Judy, and the other part has me needing to be me and is resentful at being shortchanged for so long. I hope with all my heart I can fix things and Judy can as well. We need to be together, but just have to learn to accept each other for exactly who we are and be thankful for what we do have. if that means our choices sometimes piss each other off, well we'll just have to find a way to deal and be happy for what we do have.
Well, I let Judy read this journal, although I always meant to keep these things private. In the long end of the day, if I can't be naked to my soul with my wife then why be married to her. She still has misconceptions even after reading this I think, because I think she hears what she wants to. She is using it as yet another excuse to deny the sexual side of our relationship. Sarah still needs to read it. Maybe then she'll come clean with Judy about what she is open to and how she feels. She's afraid of hurting maybe the best friendship she's ever had with anyone, and none of anything has to hurt any of us if we cherish the power of love here. Judy I think is a little resentful that I love her, and I have been attracted to one of her friends in the past, Barbra. But Barbra was so much of the Jersey girl type and was also the kind of girl I would have hooked up with, and maybe that's just part of my nature, not to restrict a strong friendship when thoughts of sex and romance come up.
We all have those thoughts, and I feel that if you have them there's a validity to those feelings and damage when you deny them all the time. Judy also equates Jay there, but Jay started out of physical need and opportunity. At the time it happened, Jay attacked me and Judy hadn't touched me in three months. Just how much denial does she think she can subject a man to? I know I was wrong, and wrong when I did it, but I was so selfless for so long and resentful that I did something stupid.

So I can agree that I was wrong for taking Jay up on the offers of sex, and we had already started when Judy started offering a quarter hour of missionary only every once in a while. What she fails to realize is that I need more than just a quick fuck. It helps, but I need way more. Jay was a mistake, one I regret, but when a starving man finds food he eats.

On the long end, I need passionate love making, and have it last hours, not to end it after I cum inside her. I like second helpings, and to wake up to it. I like being seduced, and shown that I'm wanted. Judy does none of this, and yet has the nerve to get mad that something she knows any man needs she can deny then claim rights to. Even at her best she is not as erotic and passionate as I need. A woman should release herself to her man, suck his dick like an ice pop on a summer day, ride him like a jockey on a race horse, and swallow him with her pussy and clamp him down with it until she knows she's gotten her nut and made him Jell-O.

Am I wrong in this? Does she think she ever lets go with that kind of passion. I don't want an awkward act once a year, I want to fall asleep entwined and drenched and wake up to an hour of soft strokes and more. Either she has forgotten how, doesn't care to, or just doesn't have it in her, and for her to demand I have sex with no one else when she refuses and/or is unable to give me what I need takes a lot of nerve and arrogance. I didn't intend to fall in love with Sarah, and I know she loves me, and how our relationships are with our spouses we both would do well to share what we are missing with each other. in the same way, if Judy is too resentful and full of baggage to release herself into what I need or it has to be an act, then she maybe needs to find a playmate to share that and get that groove back. I love her, and I'd be happy if she came home with a smirk from having had a night of passion. If anything, that would help us both.

And if she really can't give that up the way I need it and there is someone we both love who wants to and can, then she should encourage it, just to make sure I have what I need, because if you love someone, and not just see them as something to own, then you are unselfish in everything and give them everything they need to be happy, even if that means for a moment or two you aren't the center of their world.

If I am to be regulated to sex once every two months, and then only a half hour at most, and then just to have the same position and be forced to be done when she gets her nut, then shoot me, because that is so selfish on her part and so much of a starvation on mine. Lovemaking heals the body, mind, and soul. it connects and bonds you, and builds good between those who share it. If I wanted just sex I could go get that anywhere, but I want passionate lovemaking, moreover NEED it to make me whole. She has made me squander some of my best years up at night sexually and romantically frustrated, and then she wonders why I am resentful and looks outside of our relationship. Denial of physical needs is grounds for divorce, so she is lucky I stay. Few men would put up with her mouth, her sloth and depression, her sharp tongue, her waste of herself to pills and her attitude. She takes me for granted and is often spoiled. She doesn't see it, refuses to take a critical view of herself. She'd buy smokes before milk, and when she fucks up over pills, use every mental trick to justify it, when in the long end of the day she has had a junkie mentality as long as I've known her.

That may seem harsh, but the truth can often be. I am not perfect by any means, but most of the problems have been tied to her root problems, and now she says she wants the happy go lucky Skot back, but she fails to see that she chased him away. He surfaces usually when he's away from her, because of her critical mouth, and how it kills part of my soul every time I am attacked or denied or taken for granted.

If she wants a love like no other she needs to surrender to it, and this bitch surrenders to nothing. Love demands you flow with it, not try to direct it or demand it do what you want.

Judy has so much beauty inside her, but that does no good if I sleep alone at night, have to wait or beg for sex, when what I need is to be is quashed at every turn, and the same stupid "need to talk" shit is used over and over to pick love apart until it is nothing but pieces, and not a coherent thing. I want the flower, not a collection or torn petals.

I'm not willing to throw away years of life and love just because she is sick in so many ways. Her depression and pill abuse had changed her is so many bad ways, like my weight, which at this level is from the depression I have from being subjected to depression and denial. She doesn't see how hard she has made my life. In the end a lot of it is my fault for subjecting myself to so much of it, but what I have lost being with her she can't put back, so if someone else can, that can replenish me and make me more able to give the things that make up me than right now I just don't have the will to.

Why would I write poetry or bring flowers or make breakfast in bed for someone who keeps me out of their bed or steals the should from my lips? Judy needs a measure of humility, and while she is right about us having to work on us before a house with two sister wives, she fails to see that Sarah and I being that much closer would make both of us more able to function, which would make her life a little easier as well. If I am happy and motivated, I can do more for longer, and fight off the pains and sadness that overwhelms me sometimes, and makes me grumpy and short-tempered. If she had it, or has it in her to do to and with me what I need, then she'd be able to bring that out in me as well, but when I make the effort and it always seems to go nowhere, why bother?

Sarah has been depressed, and Judy is right about her and isn't saying anything I don't already know about her using pills as a crutch. Well, if my little alternative view was more of a reality how much would any of need to escape to find just a moment of happiness instead of something to dull out the pains and depressions of life? Judy and Sarah as well, if Judy had it in her, would benefit from taking advantage of a little bit of time alone together, and I'm not talking about a private lesbian act, but soothing physical affection between friends. I really think there is a natural healing power to physical contact, even things like massage, that we deny ourselves in our modern, isolated lives that heals so much.

So she reads my journal then closes her legs, like that will do anything to help or motivate me to want to be close to her or work with or for her. That is just stupid and selfish and the kind of bitterness I mean.

My head isn't pounding anymore, but still a little congested. I was so tired I didn't know I was sick. I work that hard and have an empty bed.... I need counseling alright, because that is insane in itself. I miss me being who I was more than anyone. I am sick of having to be reactive to so much going wrong. I am sick of cleaning and fixing the same things over and over to have everything get dirty and undone and taken for granted. There has been some better effort lately around here, but it is shallow and still not enough to show me anyone other than me really wants a better life. I refuse to be a martyr anymore.

I refuse to sleep alone, and let my poetry and songs die, or my sense of joy and wonder. I could be happier in jail than I am here at times, and it really isn't my fault. I just need something for me and if I don't get what I need it will just keep destroying my best qualities, and I can't let that happen any more.