Took Sarah with me to work tonight. She's a really good worker. We talked a lot> She wants to join Judy and I in bed, but doesn't want to hurt Judy or their friendship, but if she feels that way then she should just come out and say it. Everyone keeps to much held back. I think I love Sarah because I love Judy, if that makes any sense. They are mirrors to each other. I took a bath there and it would have been nice to be with her, but I also miss Judy and want her to be in that tub with me just as much.. if she could just drop everything and let that run on autopilot it would fix a lot, but Judy ties everything into it, and the bedroom needs to be exempt from everything.
Sarah said she be with me if Judy said okay, or be with both of us. I want to have them both because I love them both. I love my wife to no end, but I know that Sarah loves us both, and I think a triangle is more stable than two legs at times.
Judy says she wants this ownership thing in marriage and doesn't want to share her marriage bed, but that to me is selfish, and if she loves me would want me to be happy and happy for me, as I would be for her if the roles were reversed.
besides, they love each other as friends and I don't see why they can't have a relationship that gets physical at times, because that physical sharing is tender and loving and the highest expression of love anyway.
Judy says I have to work on us, but I do, and I stick things out even when and how so much is not working well, and if she can't see that devotion she's blind. I know she's sick and depressed, but if we all work as partners, helping and fixing each other, there would be so much love and joy flowing it would be absolutly beautiful.
The real betrayal is in not letting love be expressed to the extent it can be, and Judy would find real happiness if she would just relent and let things just flow as they should. If you love someone that completely, you want the happiness of the "other" more than yoursel, even at personal costs, because when you are more concerned about the "other" and they are about you, then everything comes along as easy as taking a breath.
We also spoke about Chris, and she's afraid of the problems there might be from him, and she blindly has hope he will change, but he never will, and I don't think she'll ever leave him for many stupid reasons. He will always squander his chances and having such beautiful girls, and judy is so great with them and I wish she could wake up to them as the daughters she'll never have, because in so many ways they are.
I think if I do get a farm Sarah just might come with us, and I want my wife back how she was, but she is always so sick, and much of that is depression and smoking and pills, and a new life with all of us looking out for each other would give us all, kids included, the best chance for a happy life. I see Sarah as a good fit for that, but deep down just don't see her staying in our life. She's devoted to her asshole, much due to her low self-esteem, and has a sneaky thief side as well I don't trust.
In my thoughtful minds eye I see them both on a farm under one roof. But that doesn't "feel" like it will happen, and I'd have some reservations. I will make a move, maybe in 2010. But the two of them together? Besides the benefits, what about the negative maybes.... Left to their habits and not having veto control, no way would I even want her to come with us, anywhere.
Could you picture Judy and Sarah with access to pills and money?
Damn messy house, too much dollar store crap, and junkie zombies who run to the er twice a month..... no way!
I'd have to control that, and I'd rather and want more for Judy to just get well and fix herself.

I have been painting without much sleep, and right now I should have my wife's juices filling my senses as we lay naked with each other exhausted from lovemaking, but again I sleep alone, in pain from working without rest....
Maybe Judy will see the light of reason and the truth that have evolved, that was unexpected but would be welcome.
I never set out to love two women at once, and wish I could change how I feel and think to accept one woman as always enough, but I don't like the restriction on life and love, and if the three of us let pasion flow to each other without limits, we would each be so much stronger and happier, even Judy, who just doesn't see it.
You take your lover, you elict from them their passion, and all my efforts get rejected.
there isn't anything else to discuss. It is way past the time for us three to make one big happy family and give our kids a life worthy of them.