A Unified Torn Heart

Well, we went through hell. A week without electric, running off a generator, and get a new car to only have it lose the tranny. We went from a 94 green Escort wagon with 250,000 miles and a bad automatic tranny with no high gear to a 97 white Escort wagon with 128,000 miles and a stick but no 5th gear, and the tranny went bad in it, and I can't afford to fix it, can't get to my jobs, and it's just the normal noises in here..........
But on the bright side, we have the green Escort back for short emergency runs, and there are a few good assets, and oh, yeah, right..... WalMart's attorney wants to meet with Monday to discuss possible terms for a settlement.....
but again on the crappy side, Judy has been sick for a week and was at Baptist all night, and needs to get admitted. She needs to deal with her digestive system once and for all. I didn't sign up for this, and could take her being sick so often if she was proactive in getting well and in taking care of Alex and I I'd be as supportive as I used to be. But I'm not carrying the load all alone anymore.
Sarah was sick, medicine issues, and Chris came over when she was near puking trying to rest here so she didn't have to deal with her house, and guess what? That's right, Chris was a dick again.
We've talked about it and I know she wants to have a relationship, and I think Chris and the kids need their dad and the false hope thing is a bigger no than any issues with Judy, and I think under the right everything Judy would find real benefits in the kind of relationship I want with the two of them. She lacks some of the self-confidence she needs and she always falls back on "I'm not taking the kids away from their dad". My question is is he really there now? All this states to me my view on the South is right, everywhere I look there are good girls repressed and messed up by all kinds of bullshit....
then there's Amanda, who just hit 18, and is beautiful pregnant. Josh, the sperm donor, is such a royal asshole, and she can't get past the blind love and unrealistic need crap to be happy. She needs anyone there, someone there, and is changing a lot dealing with being alone. She needs to see that he won't change. I'd like to be with her for no other reason than to show her how a man should love a woman, how she should be treated and cared for. Maybe it's the Knight in Tainted Armour
in me, riding on my old beat up gray Shire, out to rescue the fair maidens.... maybe that empathy for them makes me want to rescue them with love, and maybe it is that I feel so much love that it has to come out and be expressed or it builds up a tension that comes out as frustrated anger?
And the other thing is, with Judy the way she was, and Sarah and Amanda how they could be, the chance for just a moment of that Divine warmth of love and passion and romance and companionship is worth just about anything, and I think I'd be in ecstatic paradise if I could get them all on the same page with open, honest companionship and love and passion.
People really can compensate for the negative aspects of each other, and fix each other, inspire each other and support each other, and each make the other's life better. I think that is why families were more tribal in the past. It just worked best.
I believe I am more tribal, and maybe didn't get so brainwashed into the belief that you get bound and trapped with one person like it is a prison sentence.
I think the greed, jealousy, ownership aspects of relationships cause nothing but suffering and sadness, and that when, and if you are able to step beyond it, you can enter a fulfilled life.
And yeah, maybe I am a dog, a little. I can smell and sense when a woman is menstruating, and it drives me insane, like a snasausage to a dog... or coco-puffs to a sick looking bird. And I don't understand the repressive taboo against sex when blood is flowing, because it is a proven fact women get more out of sex and have a higher sex drive when they are.
besides, the taste is heaven to me. I never let the sheets get stained because I sucked up every drop when I had relationships that were as open and free as I talk about here in the past.

But maybe if WalMart cuts me a nice check I can make the move I want to, to a farm and start a miniature gold course, and have a woman on either side of me as I sleep. That may sound greedy, but with that I can give more of me and things would just run better, provided they enter into it with as free of a mind and open of a heart as I have always had.
Any of that is still far off, and this year feels like it will be one of many changes, and much drama.