For the first time since BuSHIT stole the presidency with the rest of the right wing fuckheads, I filed my taxes, and on time. I just had this block thing where I couldn't give to our government because it was at first illegal, then stupid. It isn't an excuse, it's a reason.
WalMart continues to violate the sound laws, which is great for the suit, and I just wish they would go ahead and settle with me. I could really use the cash right about now.
And last night, making love to my wife, is still on my mind. Naturally, with my sex drive and overly romantic and erotic heart, I want more, but I like it that I am starting to get back to passion with Judy. Yes, I do want my cake, and to eat it, among other thing, too.
I think sometimes that level of getting what you really want is deserved. I have endured years of depression and pill drama and lost and stolen dream and beat the drum, often in physical pain and past and through my own depression. I keep silent about most of it, and am apt to express anger when I feel it so it doesn't fester and grow in me, and my views are so far off the wall that I don't seem like I'm from this age or culture, but that is my way, and I like my way and think there is honor and honesty and dignity in it.
But love and romance and tenderness and physical satisfaction, and peace at home and responsibility and duty being expressed all serve to motivate me and allow me to give what is best in me to others, and the honesty I can now express without her being such a bitch about it makes me want to give her more of what is best in me, it energizes me and gives me the desire to give her what she needs from me on those levels. She may not like it and it might hurt her that I also want my bed bigger and more open, but I want that with her, and if just being honest about that allows me to give her so much more of the me that she fell in love with, how much better will I be if I actually get the life I want for myself? How much more of the life and "me" she wants will be there when I am hitting on all cylinders?
I think giving her that side on me is better than her getting me unhappy and unfulfilled, because everything then comes out tainted and sad and resentful because I then see her as the thing keeping me from life as I have always wanted it. My deepest loyalty is to the love that I feel and give, and that is starting to come back to me. Judy is becoming a partner again after years of dark clouds. Now if I can just get Alex to apply himself, life would be so much better. I had a good talk with him tonight, but you can't force some things.