Thursday, April 9, 2009

I feel good about how much work I've been able to get done lately. I have Carmello's mom's house just about completely painted inside and out, and it looks really good. It feels great being able to give back a little to him because he's always there when I need him, like I am always there for him. That is how things should work. Carmello understands me really well, and even though I am really democrat, he respects most of my views, and I think I have given him some real understanding into a pragmatic approach to government. I have loads of furniture and stuff from there as well. His sister moved out from his mom's house and she went into a retirement center, because she is losing money in a big 4/2 and it's just too big for just her. The best thing by far is the sofa and love seat, which is green. It's funny that a post I made a while back mentions seeing the living room in green instead of blue, and the green I saw in the dream was that same green.
Sarah came over today when I was at work. I think living with Chris and being subjected to all the shit she has been in her life and the shit Bridgette puts her through has made her judgment weak at times, and made her desperate at times just to get a little relief and escape. Her only real solution will be leaving, but her self-esteem is so low because she has been so berated for so long that for her to get back to happy and content she will need some major life changes, and she doesn't really know anything different, so is afraid to take those steps, plus she's afraid they might try to steal her kids from her. She has such a big and loving heart and would shine once she gets away and gets empowered a little, but she is surrounded by people that use and abuse her and Judy and I really need to take her away with us when we go, because we might not be her only option, but we are her best one.
Judy and I both love her and the girls, and I said it before and now again, that they both function better and are happier when they are together. Judy said that Sarah said that she wanted or wants to sleep with her, and I think she does, but she also wants us to have something more between us, and I can understand why she doesn't tell Judy. She loves Judy and doesn't want to do anything to hurt their friendship. Judy understandably feels a degree of rejection from me because I want Sarah as well, but what I feel for Sarah doesn't take anything away from what I feel for Judy. In fact, it makes what I feel for Judy stronger, maybe because they are so much alike in so many ways. What I want to make for us all, and how I want us all to be towards each other would work so well for all of us and the kids, because we could all make each other so happy and so much stronger. That would be if Sarah got away from Chris, because until she does she will stay stealing, including from us, which will no doubt be the end of what otherwise would be a lasting friendship.
I really feel where love works so well with friendship that when a physical expression aspect gets incorporated into it that there is just so much of a higher level of closeness and bonding. Gender needs to vanish sometimes. This isn't a thing about sex, it is about closeness and love and sharing a depth of tenderness that can do wonders for the soul.
Sarah also needs to come clean about how she really feels instead of the lie and deny. I understand she wants to protect Judy and their friendship, but at this point there is no reason not to be out in the open about everything we all feel. Judy may not like it that I want a bigger bed, but I don't like things that I have to deal with and have dealt with for years. As I mentioned before, the only sunrise I ever saw with her was when taking her to the hospital because she ran out of methadone and was withdrawing, and those things are, to me, much bigger of a betrayal than what she sees as me wanting Sarah in addition to her.
Judy fits me, but not all of me, and Sarah fits most of the same places and some places where Judy doesn't. Naturally I see other women who could fit the things I need that neither Judy or Sarah never would, but I would never make myself that thin or even consider trying to find or fill it because they would be enough. In most ways, Judy already is enough, and has been, but there are unfulfilled parts of me that she will never fill, and I need those parts filled, and if she truly loves me she will fill them either with herself or with someone we both love and care for who can and will. I would do the same for her in a heartbeat.
I will have to hold her pills because she just cannot be trusted to take them properly or mind them, and I hate that, but she is an addict, and without them suffers pain, so it becomes something I may not like but have to do to take care of her and make sure she is okay. Well, I am sorry what I need is another relationship that allows me better expression, but in a way it is the same thing. I do what I may not like, and in the case of pills hate, because I love my wife.
I put my feeling aside and remember that I love Judy and that I have a duty to love her and care for her, to give her what she needs. But I now feel that duty to Sarah to a big degree, and that duty to my son is the strongest duty I have. I hurt today and wanted nothing more than to stop working and just sit, but I have a duty to Carmello.
Caring for others requires fulfilling duties, no matter what.
The most recent pill drama hurt me, really bad. THAT was a betrayal moreso that in I found a woman Judy hated and fucked her in front of her. Sarah falls short just as much, and I am their solution if they let me lead and follow my lead.
I want two weakened women to submit to one part of my will so I can give them love and reflect the love they both give me so I can make them strong, so that love can serve and fulfill our son and her girls, and so we all can work as one to create happiness.
If I am given what I need I can give them so much love and support that they would both be happy and content.
How do I reach the epiphany?

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