I just can't stand the bullshit!
A friend of Judy's gave her 40 methadone, and that saved her ass, but there's always that "but".
I am the one controlling the pills, and she shared a few with Sarah, but today I went to work all day, and Judy calls, says she went hunting for them and found where I stashed them, and she and Sarah had a few. The total with what I gave her and what she took was 10. 10 from 40 is 30.... or so one would think.
I count them and how many are there? try 20. So where did the 10 missing ones go, or for that matter, the weeks worth that vanished that started this shit? Sarah comes around and the shit vanishes, just like when Judy stole from Shelia in the past. Shelia was a good friend who would help the stupid woman out whenever she overused her scrip, and Judy stabbed her in the back and fucked up their friendship, and Alex had a relationship with her as well that she ruined with her self-righteous bullshit and from stealing from someone that would bend over backwards to help her.
To top that off, my wallet vanished with like $35 in it, and I am sick of this pillhead bullshit that pervades so much of our life, and hurts Alex on a regular basis. I was so pissed at her that when she tried to make excuses I threw a can of cooking spray at her. I told her if she touched the pills at all I would put her through a wall, and damn going to jail over it or anything. I am at the point that I just don't give a fuck, I won't have her making bullshit excuses or trying to justify the pillhead drama that fucks up not only my peace of mind and life, but my son as well. It fucks the kid up to see someone waste so much good with pill drama. Judy, with the help of my own sister, ruined my one vacation home to see my mom with Alex with pill shit. I guess Florida holding her hand in an ER when she was out of pills wasn't good enough, she had to do it in two NJ hospitals as well.
I refuse to deal with that shit any more. Sarah needs a reality check as well. It is great she finally left Bebo today taking the kids to her mom's, but she will either go back or Chris and his mom will try to steal the kids, and until Sarah stops pills so much she won't be worth a damn either. These two women could be so great and wonderful if it wasn't for their damn addictions. They hurt their children with it, and with the stupidity they step into with minds clouded with pills and the hunt or need for them. I might have a few problems, but no where near as bad as them.
Sarah said I saw things "about me", meaning that I was selfish in my view of things, but my judgement doesn't allow me to take household money or food money to find drugs or pills, and what I want is more for the kids than it ever will be for me. I may not communicate things the best way at times, but as I see it if I had people around me not fucking up I wouldn't be having to fix things or put out fires, or hunting pills or holding hands at ERs or giving what money I have so her kids can have food, or Judy can have smokes, or watching Judy eat all my pills when I get them. It steals time and money, or resources, from my home and son and makes me depressed and gives me a feeling that my efforts are being wasted. It produces nothing of value to anyone.
I may have been wrong to throw a can of cooking spray at Judy, but she deserved a fist in her face, because she betrayed a promise, and trust, and her being down will hurt this family and Alex, so she hurt my son by her stupidity, and I did warn her. So while that may be wrong, it was not like the consequences of breaking that trust and promise were not fully explained from the outset. Judy violated a contract, and I imposed the agreed upon penalty. She lucky I don't Marchman Act her ass. Her pill problems I will NOT allow to effect Alex, or me, ever again, period. She doesn't understand that is a root problem of this family. I may get angry and yell, but my anger is a result of this bullshit inflicted upon me and my son by people addicted to drugs and the shit they place upon my door because of it.
The thing they need is humility and to submit to doing the right thing with determination. They are both on a bad self-destructive path. Judy is ten years away from death if she keeps on, and Sarah on a downward spiral, because Chris will never change his bad habits and always steal from their kids their chance at a happy life. Sarah has learned bad habits as well. People have some choices to make. I have to run the show in this area because Judy can't, and Sarah also has to decide her path as well. I have no more time for lost should who refuse to open their eyes to the light of truth and make the changes they have to.
I am coming back to myself, to who I am, and it feels really great. I hold not a thing back, and never intend to again. Few men have the ability to be as romantic and caring and loving and good as I am, and that may sound arrogant, but it is more recognition of the fruition of years of strife and a long quest to find the dream I had of how things could be in life. I don't want to and refuse to be just a drift along. Too much has passed, and I am not the standard fluff that blindly accepts a station in life. I intend to make the rest of my life an exercise in enriched fulfillment and ecstatic happiness. I want to leave a legacy behind. I can't do that with addicts who bring their sickness into my life, and the life of my son.
I have unique beliefs, but there are high standards there, and not much room for things that will hurt what I am out to create.
So yes, it is about me to a big degree, because unlike most people I have a plan with standards and goals, and the clock doesn't go backwards......
I don't want anyone to follow me, but I need companions to walk with me. Alex is finally seeing what I have been saying and understands why I am hard on him and I think appreciates that I care enough to be, even though he still fights some. I think he understands Judy is fucked up, and why, and has sympathy, but no more tolerance for it or the excuses. There are choices to make, and I refuse to be taken down by sloth or addictions or depression when I know and have the cure for it, and all it takes is a little will power, some humility, and some effort to fix things.
There is so much worse than life on my terms, but if anyone wants me as part of their life at this point things are going to be on my terms for some basics, and if they can do that I will bust ass to help them reach their dreams and know every second of every day that they are loved.
But to waste my energy and power on something that will only hurt me or my son is senseless, and something I just can't accept any longer.