Judy has been writing her journal, and she's mellowing a little I think, maybe starting to understand more, but she says that the way I deal with Alex is wrong, and even went so far as to call me in need of professional help. Doubtful, unless that help is counseling for us both. Alex was hitting bruiser, my dog, last night when I was in Fernandina working, and when I called Judy from the supermarket about an hour away, she was in tears with Alex yelling in the background. When I got home, I waited then gave Alex a slab on his shoulder backing up that whenever he hits the dogs I will hit him, period. I made a promise about that and backed it up. It was a slap, not a hit, and he had it coming, and even as I speak Judy was asking Alex to open the sliding glass door her hands filled with laundry, and Alex did just about everything he could to piss her off, opening the door halfway, yelling like a wild man, and no self-control, but ya know, a quick little slap to snap a wild kid back in line is more than often warranted, and it is the failure of parents to discipline their kids that gives them the signal it is okay to be bad when it isn't, and they lose the ability to have respect and consideration for others. I have a system for how I approach things.
If you won't be good out of love, then it will be out of respect, and if not out of respect, then out of fear, but I WILL NOT allow a child to dictate the rules or get away with just being bad.
She is right about one thing, I have been up Sarah's ass about talking about where we all stand, and there was so much so fast that has happened lately, and with everything else it is unfair of me to pressure them on this all. But Judy is wrong where it comes to how I see and accept Sarah for her shortcomings and other problems. Sarah's don't effect me the way they do Judy's, and she isn't as stuck in the cycles that Judy is yet, but she's worse in some ways, where Sarah will take her kids with her when she goes to buy pills. I'd like to slap her for that one, it is as bad as when Judy shoplifted when we were broke and had Alex with her. She exposed us, our son, to being lost by us over that shit, and I am still angry at that at times.
I have my faults, but I am always looking at myself and what my faults might be, hence this journal, because I want to be the best I can be. Judy I think has a problem with allowing anyone to take the lead, like she needs to be justified by being involved in everything. She simply can't shut up, ever, and sometimes I like quiet, and think it always doesn't take words to communicate, so the subtile forms get lost. I yell mostly in response to things being wrong or out of control, and am seldom the one to start yelling unless ignored or being assaulted by some affront to my rights or dignity, and she fails to see that.
I can be more forgiving than anyone I know as long as there is remorse and a will to be more considerate, and am at the point now where I just don't tolerate things when that isn't there. Why should I? Why justify things I know are wrong? I have the right not to, and when I don't see things her way or show interest in discussing something to death I am persecuted and put down for it.
In my view, you elicit warmth from one another, and earn respect just in non-forced acts. When you have walked all over someone, you take small light steps to earn your way back.
I was the draught horse, and I just can't pull the plow like I used to.
If you beat the dog, it will bite, but when the dog is bad, the dog must be punished. The dog will learn the rules.
In any event, things are actually on the up.
We all have so much to work on, and need to do it together.