Wonder of wonders my wife and I made love again last night, and it was really good. Kenny and Sarah were over, and Sarah made a comment that I need to think of her like a daughter, but that was for show and that is impossible anymore. I just wish Sarah would come clean about how she feels and what she and I have talked about. I also wish Judy could let go of that solitary view of sex and marriage. She married my heart, not my dick. So many people really do betray each other or split because of the "just sex" aspects, and I think when you accept the physical as apart from the emotional and spiritual that the sexual and spiritual you do have is healthier and more pure. Now that Judy knows how I feel I can actually share my passion more with her, because there's so much less hidden.
Maybe when she see what the truth has done for me in what I am able to give to her of myself maybe then she'll be more open to something she may have never considered otherwise. Judy carries hurt and pain and wears it like a badge of honor, uses it as a crutch to justify her views and outlooks and all. She would never admit it, let alone see it, and she dwells on pains and past hurts even though she says she doesn't. It isn't healthy.
I have a problem forgetting what was done wrong to me, but only when and where the same attitudes that made those things happen to me persist. I don't go out, run around and spend all my money at bars, or on video games and drugs, and try to fuck everything that moves. I have always been very, very highly selective where I will let my dick squirt and who for, and while at times I have been less selective, I do have a high sense of morality and loyalty. I don't see sex with someone I like and am interested in as disloyal, as long as my priority is my wife and I don't use that to hurt her, and I have never been right in her face with it and have spent more time sexually frustrated and alone that any man sexed like me should. It becomes a form of subtle torture to deny someone like me romance, tenderness, and physical release. When I get it like I need my tensions vanish and my motivation goes up, as well as my patience and ability to do more than my share. That is what I mean when I say I am at my best and can give my best if given what I desire, and when that comes out in me Judy gets happy because the "old me" comes back.
I can't help this, and am sorry for what aspects of that do hurt her, but I don't have a choice any more, because I made a vow to myself not to ever hide how I feel again. Those things I have made a certain level promise to myself I honor. I do not bet on pool tables and seldom gamble, do not drink and drive, lie only at rare times or to protect another "promise" or someone, I like quiet times, and when Judy talks to me and I don't respond she gets mad, but why does anyone think you always have to have something to say? I know how she feels, and can't help that we disagree, and no amount of explaining or discussing can change my mind or heart, so she either has to accept me and live accepting the good I can give her in life or move on. If she wants to throw away my level of devoted love over my views on sex and relationships then it really is her loss, because I don't think anyone will ever understand or love her as much as I do. Moreover, I don't think anyone else would put up with so much of the bullshit.
What Sarah really feels is NOT what she says in front of or to Judy, and it is because she doesn't want to hurt Judy or have her know how she feels, and it really isn't about sex. It is mostly about what would work best for everyone and make everyone fulfilled and happy. It is about being content and supported by those you love. She already is almost like a second wife. I give her money because of the kids on a regular basis, and she's sometimes over here more than her own home, and her life is a taxation and vexation on her and the kids and they would do better with Judy and I than any other option they have right now.
And when I see Judy caring for the girls as second mom, I see what I fell in love with in her come out and shine. Judy says that in my journal that I am less critical of Sarah, but I am critical of her faults as well, and many of them are the same as Judy's. Sarah is in a cycle of hunting pills wasting money, or dealing with her or Chris being in withdrawals, or selling pills for money, and loads of drama, and I am so pissed that she went hunting pills with her kids, but Judy shoplifted with Alex with her and goes along, and people I wouldn't contaminate a landfill with as not to dishonor the garbage have come to my home and sat in front of me over her pill shit... and that is Judy and Sarah. My solutions would erase that influence as well, because I do intend to be foot down about so much more, because I know we need to live a better lifestyle, and I refuse to live and die smoking with all that money wasted to blacken my lungs, and sadly I am weak and stressed as well, but there are loads of changes coming.
I intend to work at being my best again, and that requires those around me doing the same, and if Judy won't, then I gotta go. If that happens her weaknesses will swell upon her and she will sink. She will never stop smoking or doing pills, and the methadone will shut her digestive system down and she'll walk around like Shelia (who she stole from over pills) shitting out of a bag, or choking to death from smoking. I am right, and I am sick of asking. I am right about so much, and the biggest problem I have beyond being so hammered down I am paralyzed is that no one listens to me.
A flower won't grow in poisoned soil, nothing will. I intend to banish the poisons and have a diverse and fulfilling garden. I will not be a one crop farmer, and I won't work dead earth. I won't allow weeds (except one), and must have the sunlight of truth. It has to be this way or I will be a miserable, grumpy, sad old man with nothing to look upon as fulfilling.
My most important job in life is making sure Alex comes out of it all okay, and Judy doesn't see how her depression and sickness, much of which her habits cause, have destroyed us. My second job is to make my wife happy, to care for her, but that doesn't mean be her orderly because she lives in a way that is slowly killing her. The lifestyle and changes I intend to make will fix much of that, but I need their help. My views on expanding that relationship I know will make things even easier. The benefits outweigh the drawbacks and adjustments. Honesty can be brutal, and right now it is, and Sarah isn't being, and Judy is trying to demand her way to making my views and understandings change. If it wasn't for a vow I'd call Sarah on a few things and what she fronts to Judy. But I do keep my word. Judy fronts and guides talk with friends so her feedback is what she's looking for, and doesn't elicit free and honest discussion, because she looks to have her opinions supported, not debated.
I am so self-critical that no one can have an easy time debating me, because I've already taken my own views so far apart and beaten them to death that I know every little nuance and aspect of them, hence these words. Judy was so upset that this journal didn't lament her, but I have had 20 years with her to know why I am with her and why I love her and all. It would be pointless unless I wrote this to impress or satisfy her to go on about what I know and feel and think about her.
I love her, can be really proud of her, and miss what I knew as my lifemate, feeling that doctors and pills and lack of will and depression have stolen so much from me. I love her sharp with and warm heart, and have even come to love things I thought I hated. But this isn't about her, this is about me figuring out where I am now and why, and what I feel about it all and why. It is selfish of her not to see that.
I have a lot of work to do, and the more content I am the better I will be able to do it, and Judy was big enough last night to finally shut up and make love, and that did so much more than any amount of "discussion" ever would to heal us. I don't want to or intend to talk and talk about things, not again. I want life lived and action, not words. And if she needs to talk to me, that's what she has a journal for. She went through this journal so fast and said she retained everything, but that is pure bullshit. Thoughts that are deep need to come in paced and get digested. You have to place yourself in the heart and head of that person speaking to really understand it, and she just heard what she wanted to hear and saw what she wanted to see. She needs to externalize it for a moment, and walk in my shoes for a second before judging me any further.
When she does, then she will understand just how much I do love her.