Saturday, April 4, 2009

My wife is going through withdrawals again because she fucked her medicine or had it stolen again.... stupidity, more burdens and pressure on me and Alex, and for what? Me wanting something different, extra, or more when this is what I have to deal with all the time? Am I so wrong? Methadone is her other lover. Sarah is the same way. If ever anybody ever needed to relinquish control to someone else it is these bitches and the subject of pills and me running things where that is concerned. They have no self-control, and are unable to function as normal and I need to be the pill cop. I don't abuse anything like they do their pill use and needs.
I have the right to sound arrogant here. I can speak from the higher ground. With what I have had to deal with, from watching kids to lost time to hospitals and pharmacies and pill drama, to being the community wallet and overall problem solver, I am owed them being slaves at times as payback for all I do for everyone. They eat and have gas and smokes and so much more because of me, and they hurt my ability to go do what I need to and feel like life has rewards at times. I mean, I know I'm not a total picnic either, but my problems are far and away so trivial when it comes to either handing out my meds, or having them confiscated and used up as if they owned them, to time being stolen from dealing with pill drama.... Sometimes I feel like I alone clearly see the solutions, and I want to see them happy and healthy and functioning well. But all I have to do is wait a week, or usually a few days, and either Sarah is on some sort of pill hunt, or Judy is doing some stupid trade, or is out, or some other drama that is just a waste is unfolding.
It's like pills control their daily lives. As a result, it effects my life, and Alex and the girls. Chris is a waste, and just a pill and drug head, and overall worthless as a husband and father, and I don't care if he is so smart or has been through so much, or when they start with their excuses either, like Judy blaming the doctors. we all make choices. They choose to let pills steal their happiness. My mission is to make a life of happiness and not allow those negative distractions to thwart every good effort. I have kept track, and either Judy or Sarah has been sick or withdrawing EVERY SINGLE WEEK since this year started, and I speak of them together because our lives ARE so entwined.
What I propose and want to create is a life where those things are better controlled and, moreover, get fixed so they don't run and ruin their lives. This pill drama can destroy friendships, wind someone up in the hospital or jail, hurt our kids, and put them in situations that someone could get hurt or killed. I have every right to not only want, but to demand that live be tried my way for once. They have has their way, and they are both hopelessly lost to drugs and drama that surrounds them. This all needs to change, like yesterday.
I might be the last best hope we all have to get on a different path, and there is a load of pressure that no one ever sees me fall to. They do at times, when I look so sad or get so angry.
But I deal with it well, because I didn't sign up for this bullshit.
Damn it!

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