I know I run between loving and supporting my wife and hating her for her sloth and bullshit, and she asks "which one is real?", to which there is only one answer.... both.
I can both hate and love in one breath. I hate the acts more than the person, and can detest how someone acts while I still love so much about them. Judy pisses me off because she doesn't listen, takes little advice, takes so little to heart, and is arrogant about her acts, finding so much blame in others but none in herself, and that lack of humility except as a general disclaimer to seem more human is what I detest. I'm sure many of my faults piss her off as well, but there is something much different in our faults.
She does fail to make a good and clean home, or make any real effort to fix things, and while I have done much less lately, at least I didn't start out that way. It took years of putting up with being the one who did the bulk of the work for me to get so disgusted that I just stopped and just don't care anymore. Carmello and my mom are right about needing a partner willing to help, and not being an enabler. Judy enables Alex to get out of responsibility and sets that example, so now he is walking a bad path, and God forbid if I should say anything. She questions me thus empowering him and that sucks. I get "hush!" and I just want to punch her lights out when that starts. I hate people who don't take any responsibility and suck the life and resources out of others without giving back what they need.
Judy gives nothing much I need unless I demand it or request it, and she sucks for that. She has a great heart, but that only goes so far.
Now Sarah could be the kind of woman who could be that partner, so could Amanda, and so could so many other women. Judy is just slothy lazy about it. She IS NOT a partner, and gives me no real or lasting support. I too often see her as an extended hand that takes and doesn't put back, she cannot see what I really want or need, just gives what she thinks I should need, gives too little too late, and only if the winds are favorable to her.
Now Sarah puts forth that effort for the wrong person, to someone who doesn't appreciate her, partly because she knows nothing else. So when things don't turn out right, it winds up fucking her up as well. That and she can be lazy, and her bad judgement about where her kids accompany her and if they are wearing their seat belts infuriates me to no end, so that is part of why I'd like her formally in my life. I could fix much of her, and she could fix Judy where I can't. To someone outside of my knowledge base, who doesn't know what I know, even secrets that aren't talk about here, this might seem like just a selfish fantasy thing, but there is a deeper reality I understand and I am right about this.
Sarah loves Judy and I, and is in love with me, and has more of a friendship love with Judy that she could allow to include sex. With me she has desire, and keeps it secret so well. She still loves Chris, but more is more in love with the idea of loving Chris with a blind hope he will change and a sense of duty to let their kids have their father, shitty father he may be, and is fearful about leaving because it is all she has ever known, is afraid of them stealing the kids and maybe how Chris would react if she left, and wants to stay near her mom and dad.
So she puts up with and shuts out so much of it, and escapes, using pills sometimes, or stealing little moments away for herself, and is getting more and more fed up with it all, so might one day be able to fix things in her life, for her and her kids, and she would be happy to be lover/companions to Judy and I in the way I have laid out so extensively.
But she is fearful of losing or hurting the friendship she has with Judy. Chris can't contest that like he could contest our friendship, and our secret love that has to be denied. But if things change where she can join Judy and I it would have to happen, and she knows it like I do, and I think some part of Judy does as well. She tells Judy one thing as a cover, but feels another way, and it is like her stealing pills out of desperation, or scamming returns, or whatever other stupid deal that revolves around food or pills or whatever else Chris fails to provide.
Maybe Judy needs to ask Sarah if she is in love with me, loves me, wants me, thinks about me, thinks about being in a three way open or committed marriage, or has passing thoughts about making love, to me, me and Judy, or even Judy. I think that is the order it is in.
I bet her eyes would reveal a lot.
I think Sarah also sees how I am with her girls and wishes I was their father, or that Chris was like me with them, or whatever. But we are who we are in life, Chris is a piece of shit, and always will be, and Sarah and Judy work and function better as a team, and both together make the female counterpart I need for me to function well and be happy.
Judy is the one who needs to get a clue, and Sarah needs to come off of the truth about how she really feels. I don't think anything will work right until we all three come together as a team, or maybe if Judy starts taking better care of herself and gets the surgery she needs and cuts down on pills. I really love Judy with all my heart, and want her back the way she was, with improvements, like understanding my physical needs and taking care of them. It is sick that I sometimes go monthswithout sex and intimacy. I love romance and tenderness and want to be desired and have more than a half hour of relief sex. I want romantic, passionate, erotic sex and passion.