Judy's on the couch again, complaints about her back, and naturally, dishes undone, food left out, and she can motivate to go to the store or something but not to work. she says she stays busy, but for someone so busy so much is left undone. She IS NOT a partner, and I need one.
We are finally going to have the trial on the paint on the Econosweep thing, which is a year and a half old now. I just don't trust those bastards.
So much shit that just pisses me off, but what am I to do other than stick it all out.
Sarah is always hinting to get pills, and I'm running that show as best I can, but I resent having to play pill police so Judy won't run out any more. Between pills, sloth, depression, and arrogance and selfishness I just don't know how to fix Judy, and what I love is always at war, it seems, with what I hate.
I didn't sign up to be always frustrated by living in a hell hole that is dirty with someone who thinks that dirty and messy is fine and makes excuses about it all the time. I hate my life because of how she has forced me to live and how she just doesn't take real responsibility or work to make things better. It has dragged me down to near white trash, and I resent that.
There is always an excuse, and she wants everyone to do her job for her, and I refuse anymore, and that is when it all got nasty, when I stopped doing her job.
I don't care about this house, if we lose it or anything. I don't care if I live in a tent. She has damaged our son by her attitude and lack of attention to her family, and I see it as a betrayal. It is only because I know she is stupidly blind about it that I can forgive any of it. I came back after being betrayed and stayed because of my son, but sometimes I think it would have been better if I made my own new life and waited for her to crash and lose everything. If not for me she would be living in a trailer or on the street and on a fast road to a shallow grave, but that shouldn't be my job. I shouldn't have to carry someone who is unwilling to take proactive measures to please and help her husband and care for her son. In the long end of the day she is lazy, and I detest that in her. She may not want to be like that, but she is.
Sarah has resigned herself being with Chris like I have with Judy, but Chris can't be fixed, and Judy can, but only if she admits her problems and starts to work to fix things, and that is why I rant about Sarah, because they both can fix each other and compensate for each other, and even motivate each other to do better. I paint the walls, and they get nasty, and put in floors that should still be fine, and bought a stove and fridge that look twenty years old now, stay encrusted with stains and food, and it doesn't seem to bother her. That is what is sick and what I hate the most. Then she makes it so others have to do that work, or she half-asses it and makes excuses why she can't.
Carmelo's wife was near cripple, but forced herself, without pills, to walk and work and get better, and I even remember a woman with MS in a wheelchair who kept better house, and women who are 80 who would make better wives, simply because they do their job. If something is halfway clean, I leave and it is twenty times worse in a few hours, and all my work goes out the window. She should be forcing Alex to do school work, but throws so much "sympathy and understanding " at him that he is crippled and impaired by it now. She would steal and undermine my authority, making excuses and giving rewards and praise for substandard behavior and work, and that has hurt him as well.
I have so much to fix, and cannot do it alone.
How to make the blind see and deaf hear????
I have to figure out how to pack and store everything, and we are facing foreclosure with no way out other than fighting it and filing bankruptcy. She is wasteful, spends every dime when you tell her to save some for something it has been earmarked for, and I get really little help. I have so much to fix, and have to do it alone. If I am married, why do I almost always feel alone?
I didn't make this mess, but I will fix it out escape it. That I have promised myself, and Judy can get on the ball or I am gone, and when she loses Alex I will have to be secure enough to take custody, because without me that is what I see happening. Love has taken me as far as it can and the only way it will replenish is if she starts being worthy of it. I don't ask for anything more than basics.