Sometimes I'm happy, but mostly not. I don't like how life has evolved, where I live, and too often I have the worst partner in a wife that I ever thought I ever could most of the time. Judy is all talk and might have good intentions, but for the most part she is the thing on the couch that is either bitching, complaining that others need to do her jobs, bitching or pity-potting about being sick, or making some sort of stupid excuse as to why the house is such a nasty place. She needs to get her digestive system fixed, but whenever I talk about her getting surgery she throws up a denial wall. After that eventually gets fixed she might stay well enough to get past her depression and the sickness that controls her.
I love what is good in her and hate the rest. There is no effort out of this woman to make life better, just talk and excuses, and it has worn me down and stolen my happiness and is now hurting my son's future, because she has damaged him by how she is.
So how do I fix everything? The first step is for this bitch to do what I say and how I say to do it and to try to grow a brain in the process. I have been right about everything, and I have suffered because i stuck it out and tried to do the right thing. I deserve a wife who at least tries to make a good life for those she says she loves, but this doesn't always feel like love, it feels like need.
She loves me, but it is on her terms with conditions and she is covertly vindictive when things are not her way.
She reminds me of those creatures clinging to the ribs of the ghost of Christmas Past. The minimum just doesn't cut it, neither does being mostly celibate, and having her interject at all the wrong times, or her blunders and stupidity. Her stupidity has set us back all too often, but she'll never deny it.
And when she acts like she can do better, that just kills me. In what reality?
I want out of this house, yesterday, and I refuse to spend another dollar on it, and if the foreclosure about to fall on us goes on me when it needs to be on just her, I will wig. You can't tie someone's legs up and expect them to walk.
I do love her, but there are times, when I think of the past, the betrayals, the bullshit, that I hate her more. I must be the eternal optimist to stay. But she has no right to any kind of say-so in anything as to how I live or what I do, not until she is a contributing partner. It suck to love someone who doesn't give you what you need in life or love.

Judy's on the couch again, complaints about her back, and naturally, dishes undone, food left out, and she can motivate to go to the store or something but not to work. she says she stays busy, but for someone so busy so much is left undone. She IS NOT a partner, and I need one.
We are finally going to have the trial on the paint on the Econosweep thing, which is a year and a half old now. I just don't trust those bastards.
So much shit that just pisses me off, but what am I to do other than stick it all out.
Sarah is always hinting to get pills, and I'm running that show as best I can, but I resent having to play pill police so Judy won't run out any more. Between pills, sloth, depression, and arrogance and selfishness I just don't know how to fix Judy, and what I love is always at war, it seems, with what I hate.
I didn't sign up to be always frustrated by living in a hell hole that is dirty with someone who thinks that dirty and messy is fine and makes excuses about it all the time. I hate my life because of how she has forced me to live and how she just doesn't take real responsibility or work to make things better. It has dragged me down to near white trash, and I resent that.
There is always an excuse, and she wants everyone to do her job for her, and I refuse anymore, and that is when it all got nasty, when I stopped doing her job.
I don't care about this house, if we lose it or anything. I don't care if I live in a tent. She has damaged our son by her attitude and lack of attention to her family, and I see it as a betrayal. It is only because I know she is stupidly blind about it that I can forgive any of it. I came back after being betrayed and stayed because of my son, but sometimes I think it would have been better if I made my own new life and waited for her to crash and lose everything. If not for me she would be living in a trailer or on the street and on a fast road to a shallow grave, but that shouldn't be my job. I shouldn't have to carry someone who is unwilling to take proactive measures to please and help her husband and care for her son. In the long end of the day she is lazy, and I detest that in her. She may not want to be like that, but she is.
Sarah has resigned herself being with Chris like I have with Judy, but Chris can't be fixed, and Judy can, but only if she admits her problems and starts to work to fix things, and that is why I rant about Sarah, because they both can fix each other and compensate for each other, and even motivate each other to do better. I paint the walls, and they get nasty, and put in floors that should still be fine, and bought a stove and fridge that look twenty years old now, stay encrusted with stains and food, and it doesn't seem to bother her. That is what is sick and what I hate the most. Then she makes it so others have to do that work, or she half-asses it and makes excuses why she can't.
Carmelo's wife was near cripple, but forced herself, without pills, to walk and work and get better, and I even remember a woman with MS in a wheelchair who kept better house, and women who are 80 who would make better wives, simply because they do their job. If something is halfway clean, I leave and it is twenty times worse in a few hours, and all my work goes out the window. She should be forcing Alex to do school work, but throws so much "sympathy and understanding " at him that he is crippled and impaired by it now. She would steal and undermine my authority, making excuses and giving rewards and praise for substandard behavior and work, and that has hurt him as well.
I have so much to fix, and cannot do it alone.
How to make the blind see and deaf hear????
I have to figure out how to pack and store everything, and we are facing foreclosure with no way out other than fighting it and filing bankruptcy. She is wasteful, spends every dime when you tell her to save some for something it has been earmarked for, and I get really little help. I have so much to fix, and have to do it alone. If I am married, why do I almost always feel alone?
I didn't make this mess, but I will fix it out escape it. That I have promised myself, and Judy can get on the ball or I am gone, and when she loses Alex I will have to be secure enough to take custody, because without me that is what I see happening. Love has taken me as far as it can and the only way it will replenish is if she starts being worthy of it. I don't ask for anything more than basics.

Fatass Wanda says she is retracting her affidavit, which means no factual basis for the dangerous dog determination, so I hope to get that taken care of later today. I don't trust her to follow through though. And Judy has been much better than she was, but not near yet what I think she should be. Kenny cut her hair, and it looks okay in front, but I told his ass to not take more than an inch, and I meant it, and he had the nerve to say that it would grow in faster. Hair grows from the root, and everything you feel is dead, all dead cells, so it grows at whatever rate it does, and the only thing that effects anything is nutrition, and he tried his usual lines of bullshit that cutting the ends makes the hair grow faster, and I could slap anyone who would say something so stupid. He could have taken just a little of the length, but not the 3 to 5 inches he did. He cut it that way because he wanted to, ignoring what I said about it, and Judy with her usual try to diffuse and make excuses for people, Judy who was pissed he took so much length, starts a mini rant on how it is her decision, as if to justify how much he took, when it was her who first bitched about how much length he took.
I'm sorry, and this may sound male arrogant, but if a woman has long hair and is with a man in some committed fashion, if that length gets cut the man has the primary right to decide if and how it gets cut, because he has to look at the woman... and in the same way, if a man grows face hair the woman has the right to bitch about it and make him trim or cut, because she is the one who kisses that face. In a relationship, you accommodate the wishes of your lover.
And if a beard scratches a woman's face or crotch, and she says shave it, you do.... and if a man wants his lady to have and keep long hair, she does. She can wear it up, or whatever, but she keeps the length. And no full of himself, justifying and excusing himself because he's gay and by virtue of that knows, or thinks he knows, how best to dress women has the right to chop off that much hair just because they didn't let him have barbie dolls when he was a kid.
Yes I am pissed, still, because he didn't listen, and he is lucky I didn't keep my word that if he took too much I would shave his head. I was tempted to hold him down and shave off his goatee, and tell him, "but now that I cut it it will grow in faster and nicer".

Judy was trimming the other day, and I cut the length on her muff hair. And I keep my balls and shaft hair free. I know women don't like a mouth full of hair when they go down, but going down on a woman hair isn't as bad, I guess because there's not a mouthful there. Pushing hair aside to hit a clit is a little different than dick and ball sucking where I think it would be bothersome. But trimmed is nice, and the best reason for a short beard. it works well on a clit, as long as its soft and not stubble.
And the long hair on a woman. I don't think I can think of a guy who wouldn't want to grab his old lady by the hair and get lost in it. So a committed relationship gives the man the primary right to it, especially since a woman can't see her hair behind her even in a mirror. It is like being married to a blind person and them having the car painted some color you hate. The blind person has a friend paints it lime green or hot pink, and says "don't worry, it will fade and you can repaint it later". Sorry, that doesn't work. The person who has to see it all the time gets first choice in the decision, period.

Chris can't get any of Judy's pills and it is pissing him off. But I have to control everything, even though I don't want to, because if I don't, nothing I want or need done will be and things I don't want to happen will. Sarah I have empathy for, but she needs to keep her word and work before she gets anything else. I know she gets sick without, but I didn't make it that way, and until she comes clean with Judy in front of me about how she really feels and stops the bullshit I can't be just another crutch. She needs to be with us, and so do her girls, and I think that once that happens that we all will be doing better, and then Judy on 5 and Sarah on three, next month 4 and 2, then 3 1/2 and 1 1/2..... then 3 and 1, then less and less until I get these bitches off this shit, so it stops eating their life and happiness.
And the other thing is how Sarah really feels, because she loves us and has physical and romantic desire for me, and that isn't something she should be afraid of Judy knowing, but something that they should be sharing, and hopefully allow evolve into something even between them sometimes. Admission of my love for Sarah and understanding it has given new power and drive where my love for Judy is concerned, because I recognize what it is I love and what I need to do to be worthy of that love better. And loving one is as easy as loving the other because of what is so "the same" in them both, and exciting because of what is different, and what is different in each I want to share with the other. I think a threesome with them would be fantastic for all of us. It is that wall Sarah has about not wanting to hurt Judy that makes her hide how she feels, and Judy wants to own me as women have wanted to own their men for centuries, or men own women. If she share a little she gets more back, and when she sees that I think, while she might not like all of it, she'd have to admit it makes me better and better to her and life better overall.
I want them both and for Kenny not to touch the length of their hair.

I know I run between loving and supporting my wife and hating her for her sloth and bullshit, and she asks "which one is real?", to which there is only one answer.... both.
I can both hate and love in one breath. I hate the acts more than the person, and can detest how someone acts while I still love so much about them. Judy pisses me off because she doesn't listen, takes little advice, takes so little to heart, and is arrogant about her acts, finding so much blame in others but none in herself, and that lack of humility except as a general disclaimer to seem more human is what I detest. I'm sure many of my faults piss her off as well, but there is something much different in our faults.
She does fail to make a good and clean home, or make any real effort to fix things, and while I have done much less lately, at least I didn't start out that way. It took years of putting up with being the one who did the bulk of the work for me to get so disgusted that I just stopped and just don't care anymore. Carmello and my mom are right about needing a partner willing to help, and not being an enabler. Judy enables Alex to get out of responsibility and sets that example, so now he is walking a bad path, and God forbid if I should say anything. She questions me thus empowering him and that sucks. I get "hush!" and I just want to punch her lights out when that starts. I hate people who don't take any responsibility and suck the life and resources out of others without giving back what they need.
Judy gives nothing much I need unless I demand it or request it, and she sucks for that. She has a great heart, but that only goes so far.
Now Sarah could be the kind of woman who could be that partner, so could Amanda, and so could so many other women. Judy is just slothy lazy about it. She IS NOT a partner, and gives me no real or lasting support. I too often see her as an extended hand that takes and doesn't put back, she cannot see what I really want or need, just gives what she thinks I should need, gives too little too late, and only if the winds are favorable to her.
Now Sarah puts forth that effort for the wrong person, to someone who doesn't appreciate her, partly because she knows nothing else. So when things don't turn out right, it winds up fucking her up as well. That and she can be lazy, and her bad judgement about where her kids accompany her and if they are wearing their seat belts infuriates me to no end, so that is part of why I'd like her formally in my life. I could fix much of her, and she could fix Judy where I can't. To someone outside of my knowledge base, who doesn't know what I know, even secrets that aren't talk about here, this might seem like just a selfish fantasy thing, but there is a deeper reality I understand and I am right about this.
Sarah loves Judy and I, and is in love with me, and has more of a friendship love with Judy that she could allow to include sex. With me she has desire, and keeps it secret so well. She still loves Chris, but more is more in love with the idea of loving Chris with a blind hope he will change and a sense of duty to let their kids have their father, shitty father he may be, and is fearful about leaving because it is all she has ever known, is afraid of them stealing the kids and maybe how Chris would react if she left, and wants to stay near her mom and dad.
So she puts up with and shuts out so much of it, and escapes, using pills sometimes, or stealing little moments away for herself, and is getting more and more fed up with it all, so might one day be able to fix things in her life, for her and her kids, and she would be happy to be lover/companions to Judy and I in the way I have laid out so extensively.
But she is fearful of losing or hurting the friendship she has with Judy. Chris can't contest that like he could contest our friendship, and our secret love that has to be denied. But if things change where she can join Judy and I it would have to happen, and she knows it like I do, and I think some part of Judy does as well. She tells Judy one thing as a cover, but feels another way, and it is like her stealing pills out of desperation, or scamming returns, or whatever other stupid deal that revolves around food or pills or whatever else Chris fails to provide.
Maybe Judy needs to ask Sarah if she is in love with me, loves me, wants me, thinks about me, thinks about being in a three way open or committed marriage, or has passing thoughts about making love, to me, me and Judy, or even Judy. I think that is the order it is in.
I bet her eyes would reveal a lot.
I think Sarah also sees how I am with her girls and wishes I was their father, or that Chris was like me with them, or whatever. But we are who we are in life, Chris is a piece of shit, and always will be, and Sarah and Judy work and function better as a team, and both together make the female counterpart I need for me to function well and be happy.
Judy is the one who needs to get a clue, and Sarah needs to come off of the truth about how she really feels. I don't think anything will work right until we all three come together as a team, or maybe if Judy starts taking better care of herself and gets the surgery she needs and cuts down on pills. I really love Judy with all my heart, and want her back the way she was, with improvements, like understanding my physical needs and taking care of them. It is sick that I sometimes go monthswithout sex and intimacy. I love romance and tenderness and want to be desired and have more than a half hour of relief sex. I want romantic, passionate, erotic sex and passion.

We're still in a war with the city to get Sqt. Pepper back. It's mostly due to bitch Wanda, who did a booty giggle dance floor thing from behind and Sarge bit her when I told her to get off of me. He was doing her job, and the bitch is fishing for money. I do know one thing. If that dog dies I seek vengeance, period.
Judy and I have been having better sex and more often. Night before last she gave me the best head she has in a while then fucked halfway decent. Still nowhere near what I want or in fulfillment of my abilities or desires, but a start. Tonight she said she was hurting, again, and I think she has created a lifestyle that sets herself and those around her up to fail. The house was a mess, and I get excuses, and Alex's room is a trash heap, and I get excuses, and dishes stay in the sink and dirty, and I get excuses, but the bitch can buy smokes, lay around, make bead necklaces, and watch t.v., while everything falls apart around us.
Every major bad thing that has gone wrong can be traced to her or my responses to her, and what she did or didn't do, and I'm the bad guy for demanding a higher standard. She has fucked up Alex and just doesn't see it.
And as for Sarah, she needs to get on the ball as well and stop hunting pills, and stop putting up with drug people and drugs in her house or the abuse her husband puts down on her. I hope Steph deals with her pill problem as well. Sarah also needs to come clean with Judy and tell her how she feels about us becoming one bigger family and that she is in love with me, loves Judy, and would like to have a three sided relationship just as much as I do. I asked her to deny she is in love with me to my face and she can't, and asked her to deny that she doesn't want me, and she won't. I think she is even curious about what it would be like with Judy, but I think for that I have to be there and a part of it, but if she just told Judy that she loves her and doesn't want to hurt their friendship but would like to share me and live with us as one family I think Judy might accept and even like the idea as well. I really don't want Sarah or any other woman without Judy. I also wish Judy would open up to a wilder side for herself. I'd love to just sit back and watch her have sex with someone else, man or woman. I thinkit would do her good.
The problem isn't in the heart or wishes of these two, but in the effort they make and the lack of judgment they use. Everything is so wrong, and they are both smothered by problems and depression and pills so much that they can't function, and if I am in a position where I can have some authority, like I do now with Judy's pills, then they will do better. Judy hasn't had any digestive problems since she went to 4 or 5 pills a day, and she motivates more. Sarah is starting, more and more, to sneak and act upon her disgust of Chris, but she needs to exercise the courage, like Judy would, to stand up to his shit. That is a strength Judy has, and Sarah has the submission that Judy needs. They have the aspects each lack to make a better woman out of each other, and together those qualities would transfer to each other better, and I would be a devoted lover and friend and companion to them both, and a better husband to my wife.
Like tonight, Judy shot me down, so if things were how I wanted I would sleep with Sarah, so I wouldn't be frustrated and resentful, so in the morning I'd be nicer and happier, and the same when Sarah says "not tonight". And some nights, both of them together would be just romantic and tender and warm and loving for all of us, and Judy, once she gets past the need to own and her insecurities, would find that the connection we could have with each other brings out the best in all of us, and she would be happier as well. Everyone assumes that a man would want another woman just for sex, but that's not it at all. That's the side benefit, because the dynamics of an expanded relationship would benefit everyone, because of what it offers.
I also think that both the girls would be turned on if either of them watched me with the other and would want in, and when our physical genders vanish and we relate to each other on our attributes, then what we could have could be absolute magic. If Judy gets off giving me head and loves watching me be pleasured and cum, then she should be able to enjoy that by sharing another woman with me, and when you add the love and goodness that has, and place it in the environment that Judy and I create, then my wife and I would both benefit from it. This stays on my mind because above any other change other than something for Alex's schooling and us moving, we need that change. Besides, I want to give Sarah's girls the father figure they deserve, and I like watching Judy with them because she'll never have a daughter, so all of us as one family fulfills those things, and would allow Sarah to have a safe environment and partners that love her, and Alex can be something like a son to her as well. It all just fits. The problems that we have suffered lately wouldn't be happening so often, because we could be watching out better for each other.
Besides, when you sit back and visualize both of them together, sexually and romantically, sharing lovemaking, I can't think of two women I would want to wake up with other than them.
The night when Judy gave me great head then a round two decent fuck I slept all night and woke better rested than I have been in a while. I have so much sexual energy and if it isn't properly released I just don't rest well. I think the move would make it happen, because I know Judy wants her living with us just as much as I do, but not with the same motivations I have, but I also think if she is with us that they will get so close that what I want will happen on it's own or at least without much effort. I just have to wait. I'd also love to watch Judy with another guy, knowing that I'm who he loves. She wonders why I get angry, but it is more frustration than anger.I am frustrated because I know what she has in her and what I get. I shouldn't have to be the one to start. I also wish she was the kind of woman who would masterbate, who wants and needs and like sex enough to make it more of a priority.

Days Drag On

I'm still waiting to get our car back. I got the tranny, now it's just a matter of getting it in. Sqt. Pepper in quarantine, and I am totally pissed off. Wanda is a real asshole, and when people show their true colors sometimes they are simply worthy of disgust. And Sarah is still dealing with Bebo being a jerkoff to her, putting up with shit and chasing pills, just like Kenny said, like a cat going to a full bowl of food. She needs to get away from him and that house.
And worst of all Alex is just out of control. Judy has him so babied and spoiled and has mitigated and made excuses for so long he thinks he can get away with being lazy and having everyone do for and fix everything for him and that he doesn't have to work hard for anything. I try to explain things to Judy and get the normal "hush" and other evasive shit that I am so accustomed to. She fails to see, and used sick as an excuse to get away with lazy, and I am simply sick of the dysfunction I am surrounded by so much that I just want to pack up and go.
I need away from all of this shit before it kills me, and I don't care what happens to this house. I can't stand this house, or this city. Human sickness is normal here, and I am sad and depressed just knowing that I am stuck here for the time being. I have never seen a society so sick in so many ways, and I am well traveled. I should have followed my instincts a long time ago and got out. Now it is my only intention, my only goal. A move would fix so much. This just isn't how people were meant to live.
I know what I want and what I deserve, and I intend to have it. I'm not going to carry dead weight anymore either. If you ain't helping, you're hurting, and I refuse to be hurt by anyone or this life like this anymore.
We need to sell before we lose everything. If I had a family that helped me and didn't make so many life problems I could have had things so much better for all of us, and most of it revolves around Judy's depression. It has taken down this family. But try to tell her and get her to change ANYTHING is like trying to change the color of the sky. She admits no wrongs, ever, and there is such a lack of humility. What there is is someone depressed and slothy taking up couch space allowing the world to fall apart and wanting to talk about everyone's problems except her own. They never get addressed or changed. The good qualities don't always outweigh the bad ones, and I am sick of living with someone that is dead weight.
Sarah has her problems that way too, and I used to be an enabler and bang the drum and do more, but no more. I clean a thing and it gets nastier than it was when I first cleaned it with me being gone just a few hours. Alex destroys everything and she lets him and then instead of making him take responsibility I have to fight her because "he's having a hard time". So she kisses his ass and he now treats her like shit. So I put my foot down and he has an episode, and I am the bad guy, while she crumbles.
Then she talks about her good intentions. I can take those good intentions and a dollar and have to pay twice for the coffee it would buy. Good intentions without any real or with just half-hearted action don't amount to shit. I'm just fed up. I need out, now, before I lose everything or die from a stress heart-attack.
All my warnings, so unheeded, come true, and still she is too blind to see. I am sick of all of it and would rather lose everything than to spend my life with someone who thinks life is a free ride and just takes from me giving so little back.
She has fucked up Alex and doesn't see it.
He is the only reason I stay. I signed up for in sickness and in health, but not for stupidity or malice, and it feels like malice.
I used to be so happy and cheerful and carefree, and I blame her that that is gone for the most part. I want me back, and I will get back to me. Let her have to work again and start over like she did to me ten years ago for a year when she stole everything from me and betrayed me for pill people. it is that lack of humility and submission that goes with love that is her worst trait, and I can't do anything in the state she has brought us to by the steady creation of problems and lack of help for years now. I could list examples, like losing work for pill issues or other bullshit, like running to the store for hours when I needed the car, spending money I needed for supplies on bullshit that could wait, and simply just complicating life that I hate being here and am afraid to leave because some disaster will happen as soon as I'm gone, which includes her sleeping on the couch when she needs to be a mother.
No more excuses. I am resentful and I am starting to hate more than love, and I won't let anyone destroy that in me any more.