Well, it seems like everyone is going through hell. Money is tight everywhere, and drama is pervading. Sarah and Judy currently really are close, and my opinion on what would work best for everyone still just sits at the side of the road.
There are a lot of changes coming fast, and I think we'll get though things fine, despite this defiance my son has towards everything. I'm just stressed so much. There was an incident where the westside redneck came out in them, dealing with pill drama, something stupid that the girls did that could have wound up bad. None of us need that shit. I need to get these girls and kids away from Jacksonville. Maybe that feels like a need in me, to be the Knight who rescues....
Maybe that is a good aspect of me.
Anyway.....
I hope to get some big jobs soon, and if I can make that move to Carolina I think faced with a real chance to start over and maybe Sarah might just come along. I know I like hat, but I don't see her in our future in some recent visions. I see money coming in waves, a little or enough first, then a little more, then a giant chunk.
I also know Judy's going to be and stay sick and get worse then start to get better, so I have been worrying about that, but not that hard.
I also know that we will put up with some shit and be okay, that there will be some birth pains...
But I have much to fix....
I do have an ability to see solutions so clearly, just no power to effect it.
Not yet, anyway.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
I slept some tonight, but like most nights, I'm awake.
Yesterday Judy actually got me a card, and a box of candy. I love it when she shows real consideration for me.
Sarah had a shitty day, really bad, and you can see sadness coming off of her in waves.
But there was some good news... think I found a van for cheap, and can make payments on.
Still have so much hanging over me, but we'll try to shortsell the house, and take whatever we get and make a move, to Carolina, and to a fresh start somewhere better than here.
Bet if I had that farm Sarah would come, and Judy would let her, then under one roof things would just take shape. Maybe I'm pushing what I know would work too fast, but I just don't see a reason to wait any longer, and sometimes you have to be strong willed about things.
I really can see how an expanded relationship would do wonders for all of us. I'm tired of watching Judy hurt so much, and if we move without Sarah it would hurt both of them to lose each other, so in some ways we don't have a choice, and Sarah loves us both as we love her, and if it wouldn't hurt Judy romance would be between us. She and Judy are so much alike, I'd still be not getting the sex I wanted with even both of them, but the intimacy and friendship and compassion and love would be there, and that's what I want the most anyway. Sex is easy to find, but real companionship is rare, and that is what we can have to a level most people only dream of. I miss the passion I had with my wife, and am not looking for that in someone else, but even thogh Sarah denies it and other things she agrees with me on to Judy so not to hurt her, I think we all just need to be bigh enough to be totally honest with each other and accept and love and be loyal to each other despite of our shortcomings.
Truth be told, most men would have run from Judy over the pills and other bullsit, but I love her enough to see past that and just wish I coud help her get back to "her". She's amazing at times, but life is smothering us all. Some humans were meant to be just a little more tribal than others, and if we get rid of the selfishness and preconceptions and jealousy aspects that aren't natural, all of this just makes great sense. I can't be everything to Judy, despite how much she would want thing to be like that, and she can't for me, and Sarah the same, but what I don't fill Sarah does for Judy, and what Judy lacks Sarah fills, and for Sarah she gets a companion lover in me and a best friend companion in Judy. I don't want them to be bedmates and lesbians, although the wild sex side of me would love it, I want them to be happy and better friends than most people ever dream of being, and for us all to work together to make life the best it can be for each of us. e could all give our kids the best part of ourselves that way, and have the help of someone, two someones who love and care for us when we need that extra hand or are just unable to rise up to meet the road.
Alex would do better up there, and so would Sarah's girls, and sometimes it takes a blend of people to make things spark and work. Maybe what I want is something to fix Judy with as well.
But I'm saying what I have before...
but hell, I wrote a piece of poetry tonight...
Yesterday Judy actually got me a card, and a box of candy. I love it when she shows real consideration for me.
Sarah had a shitty day, really bad, and you can see sadness coming off of her in waves.
But there was some good news... think I found a van for cheap, and can make payments on.
Still have so much hanging over me, but we'll try to shortsell the house, and take whatever we get and make a move, to Carolina, and to a fresh start somewhere better than here.
Bet if I had that farm Sarah would come, and Judy would let her, then under one roof things would just take shape. Maybe I'm pushing what I know would work too fast, but I just don't see a reason to wait any longer, and sometimes you have to be strong willed about things.
I really can see how an expanded relationship would do wonders for all of us. I'm tired of watching Judy hurt so much, and if we move without Sarah it would hurt both of them to lose each other, so in some ways we don't have a choice, and Sarah loves us both as we love her, and if it wouldn't hurt Judy romance would be between us. She and Judy are so much alike, I'd still be not getting the sex I wanted with even both of them, but the intimacy and friendship and compassion and love would be there, and that's what I want the most anyway. Sex is easy to find, but real companionship is rare, and that is what we can have to a level most people only dream of. I miss the passion I had with my wife, and am not looking for that in someone else, but even thogh Sarah denies it and other things she agrees with me on to Judy so not to hurt her, I think we all just need to be bigh enough to be totally honest with each other and accept and love and be loyal to each other despite of our shortcomings.
Truth be told, most men would have run from Judy over the pills and other bullsit, but I love her enough to see past that and just wish I coud help her get back to "her". She's amazing at times, but life is smothering us all. Some humans were meant to be just a little more tribal than others, and if we get rid of the selfishness and preconceptions and jealousy aspects that aren't natural, all of this just makes great sense. I can't be everything to Judy, despite how much she would want thing to be like that, and she can't for me, and Sarah the same, but what I don't fill Sarah does for Judy, and what Judy lacks Sarah fills, and for Sarah she gets a companion lover in me and a best friend companion in Judy. I don't want them to be bedmates and lesbians, although the wild sex side of me would love it, I want them to be happy and better friends than most people ever dream of being, and for us all to work together to make life the best it can be for each of us. e could all give our kids the best part of ourselves that way, and have the help of someone, two someones who love and care for us when we need that extra hand or are just unable to rise up to meet the road.
Alex would do better up there, and so would Sarah's girls, and sometimes it takes a blend of people to make things spark and work. Maybe what I want is something to fix Judy with as well.
But I'm saying what I have before...
but hell, I wrote a piece of poetry tonight...
Thursday, February 12, 2009
It Really Isn't Me
I just had sex with Judy, and it came with the usual battery of put downs and blame casting and list of problems I need to correct. Let's see, she doesn't enjoy it because I'm too heavy, but I kept on my knees so the only touching was my hands on her legs or ankles, and my dick in her. Not one part of my stomach on hers, but like clockwork came that "reason" she doesn't "enjoy" it, although sometimes when I do lay in with my weight she gets off just fine, so that isn't it. Then there was my "need" for psychological counseling because I bitch sometimes about problems that exist, but ya know, I'm not the one sleeping 12-14 hours a day. she starts to sleep at 9 or 10 or maybe stays up sometimes til 12, but not often, and she might....might get up with our son, and maybe has been a little better about that, but as soon as he's off to school she's back in bed sleeping until 12 or 1. Then there's the utter lack of housework. Dishes that stay dirty until I do them usually, but I go on strike now, so she might get them all done once or twice a week. She never cleans up after cooking dinner, and the floor gets dirty and it's me that gets at it, and she complains when I do the laundry because I make work for her, but left to herself there's always this pile of undone laundry and the house gets trashed.
She says she clean, and gives these "watch my fire" speeches, but the only fire I see is her going down in flames. She's lucky, most men don't do any housework at all. I do and get grief, or watch mer let Alex destory my tools and make messes while she stays parked on the couch. Depression and pills have destroyed her and she is in denial, maybe because it hurts her, I don't know.
When she is getting things done and functioning I am much more content, and she is so talented and can be so sweet, but it only comes in flashes. She wonders why I bitch at her sometimes, but she wastes our life and our love, and has a man who thinks she's wonderful and beautiful and ignores him, letting him waste away alone every night. So much talent just wasting away. Her depression wears me down, and I do blame her to a degree because I know what the truth of it all is. She wonders why I don't "care" or do things for her like I used to, but it is because every good effort of mine seems squandred, wasted. I fix something, make something good, and turn around and it all seems in vain. I have always had to be the one to initiate sex or romance. Most of the time I sleep alone, and she says I am mean to her, but it is a self-protective action to preserve what I can of what good remains in me that she hasn't hurt or taken for granted. If she gave me what I want and need she'd be overwhelme with passion and love again, but the true concern for how I feel and what I want never seems to be there. When she does things for me it always seems like she's doing it out of some selfish root reason. It isn't a gift unless you don't want anything back in exchange for it.
Alex will run wild with a bad temper, loads of drama and disrespect, a refusal to do his homework, but she makes continual compromises and allowances for him, and complains about me when I law down the law. He violates the rules because she lets him, and she doesn't see it. He has learned to walk on people from her, and this is a woman who just can't or won't shut up or accept that she might be wrong about things. I have a better understanding of him, but she trys to treat him like a friend or equal when it is her job to teach him and keep him in check, which is why he walks all over her and she can't control him unless it is tied to some sort of bribe, like "going to the store" If this kids doesn't experiences consequences for his acts he will continue to act bad, and when I get on him and try to do that, to make him have to come to us, she gets in the way and thwarts my efforts.
But I'm the one with all the problems according to her. I can be fresh out of the shower, yet she complains that I smell. I have taken a bath, put on cologne, brushed my teeth, gargles, and shaved, and she has complained, so that's just another lame excuse. I initiate sex, always, never her, and I have read enough on the Internet and lived enough to know there must be something in her twisted mind or body chemistry that it is her that is the problem. I'm taking testosterone by patches and have gotten back much of my youthful energy, because men produce less when they get older, but so do women, and it is a lack of it in them that destroys their sex drives, but a PhD couldn't convince this bitch that she might have problems or be the source of them, and she paints things to others that it's me because I am upset and fed up, but she hides those behaviors to others.
I told her tonight that in bed a man and woman shouldn't be discussing problems when being intimate, but just be glad they have a warm body and love next to them, and let go of the day's problems and get lost in that. That has a power to heal, but she uses it to attack. I ask her to just let that go and every time, every single time I try to tell her any of this I'm cut off and the litany of how it is all me comes back. Tonight she says my weight is a problem, but when you love someone things like age, weight, differences in outlooks and views, and a whole host of things just should fade away. real honest love sees past the superficial. It isn't like I am going out and away from her, I try to draw her in to love and depth, but she stays on her island of depression and sends waves of sour words at me. I don't doubt that she loves me, but there is no depth of expression in that love. Love, real love should make love, the pleasures and treasures of love, the primary things. I can see past her being toothless, which comes from her overuse of methadone for pain, but she has allowed her depression to take everything good and taint it. A woman who should be everything to me is slowly killing herself, and it kills me inside. I can't be an enabler anymore. She needs to make changes, and I'd be glad to help again if she tried more. But I REFUSE to be an enable any longer, ever again. It really is on her to make the steps needed at first. She snorts pills, and I call her a junkie, but she acts like one, so am I wrong for calling it like I see it? I never ha to go to the hospital because I was withdrawing, and never got into bad situations withmoney or other problems over drugs. She says she is hurt and I put it there, but she has problems that force me away from her, and I didn't put them there, and at this point it is not my job to try to fix them, but to tell her how I feel, what i think, and be tere fo her when she really does decide to make the changes that will save her life and marriage.
Back in the days when we did go out, and when I could get her to actually dance, there was a rigidness to her dancing. I flow and move with the music, and allow myself to melt into it, but she was always rigid, never in time or connected with it, and I guess that is a sign of how someone feels love or expresses it. She just never lets the passion of it all flow. Birds in flight bend to the swirls of the wind, and fish swim using currents, and trees sway, but the people in the world who are mechanical when there is no reason not to be are either grossly unaware or unable to let loose and melt into the things they need to connect with. They try to force the world, not flow with it. And that is how love should be expressed. You flow with it, in mental terms and physical expressions of it.
That also comes with an acceptance of our humanity and human condition, a sense that being flawed is a part of human perfection, because when you accept the flaws as not that important then you see past them, and can enjoy the beauty of what is so right and perfect.
I know what I don't sleep well, and it is sad. I'm not content, and I need love on the level I speak about, and without it I'm incomplete, and there's a longing that disrupts me. A content man never seeks an affair, because all a good man wants is to be satisfied. I hear Judy say all men will cheat, but she doesn't see that there's a condition there. You have to make a man content, in life and in bed, and women cheat the same way when they aren't. I wasn't the first one to cheat in our relationship, and she carried a lie about that for years before coming off of it. She'll say that was before we were married, but so what! But even back when she and I started I knew there was something missing, and I don't think I would have married her if she didn't get pregnant with Alex, but I am married to him more than her, and that is sad, and I didn't make it that way. I was faithful to a few women completely without ever a thought of "cheating"... a desire to expand the parameters with the right people maybe, but just passing thoughts, and not strong desires or needs. Now I have those thoughts and needs because I need love on a deep level and passion as well, and am denied, and know what can be if it was allowed to be. I would have looked outside of us a lot less if I had a reason to keep looking at her but you can't be so harsh on smeone, so neglictful and expect them to keep giving and giving without any rewards for it.
I have tried everything to get Judy to see it, because it would be such a waste to walk away from so much invested, and I know adding Sarah would heal her and us if she could see half of what I am talking about. I'd be happy if she found a lover to fill her needs and spark her passion and animal side, because she would heal from it, but she's too stuck in a funk to be able to let loose like love demands. People get conditioned to some really unhealthy and unnatural views and attitudes.
Yeah, silly as it sounds, I really think people should be required to have sex or masturbate at least five times a week, and be required to go away for a weekend every six months, or at least once a year, and have sex with a total stranger. Just to take the stigma off of jealousy and ownership of relationship sex and allow the repressed assholes an excuse to cut loose and get their funk on. It would put people on a footing where they have to perform emotionally better for each other to earn a higher place in each other's hearts. You'd have to be a better partner and more giving to earn the respect and admiration of each other, and it would devalue the ownership aspects of committed relationships.
The most peaceful primates are Bonobos, who have sex when they meet each other, before or after they share food, like all the time. They don't get that tension I think, and it is casual as eating together, communal as going out dancing together or going to a ball game. That's another way... like baseball, with no time limits...as opposed to the violence and pressure of football or basketball, fighting the time on a clock. In baseball you wait for a pitch, and it's a team thing but an individual thing. In football there's this warlike rigidity that to me destroys the relaxation and enjoyment of the game. When relationships of societies are like that, it creates a whole host of problems that cause the divorce rate we have as a people.
You can't teach someone to be that free. We all want to be, but so few escape the fear of allowing ourselves to be that honest. If you can be so honest to say to your lover "I love you but I like so-and-so and would like to have sex with them and spend some time with them... can I go out tonight and have some freedom and come home to you tomorrow?" And the other to be so secure that you are happy they are going out to enjoy themselves, and what people fail to see is that if that was a way of life your partner would come home renewed and refreshed like they were stuck at work for six months and just had a month long vacation, walking back into work with a smile and happy attitude because they had something for themselves. And if a couple can be that way together, damn, it would bond them so strongly, and then the pressure of commitment would vanish, and you would feel like your partner was an extension of you, which is why i think Judy and Sarah would do so well together under one roof, because there are the same dynamics in friendship, and where I can't fix things their relationship might just.
Sarah has that ability to find that level of freedom, and I don't mean being wild and going out fucking everyone, but in being able to be honest with emotions and feelings and thoughts, and letting love and friendship just flow without secrets or manipulations. At least the potential, but until she lets go of Chris, because anyone can see her pill problems and stealing come from and as a result of that relationship.
But open friendship/companion style life takes work like standard one on one marriages do, maybe even more work. Just a different kind of work. But when people can be honestly committed to a partnership, fighting and working for common goals, then it works. Besides, I think...no, I know I'd be a much better father figure to her girls, and Judy would find fulfillment in being the second mom to her girls, and Alex would have another woman to fight that he wouldn't be able to walk all over like he does Judy. With a sane and secure home I could go out and get things done and progress instead of always running damage control and being taken for granted. I want Judy to have the resources that will get her to do her best, and me as well, and Sarah is that for both of us, and us for her.
It's like knowing what horse is going to win a race and you can't get anyone to bet on 'em.
Sometimes the longshot, the most unlikely of all things, is the perfection we all seek.
She says she clean, and gives these "watch my fire" speeches, but the only fire I see is her going down in flames. She's lucky, most men don't do any housework at all. I do and get grief, or watch mer let Alex destory my tools and make messes while she stays parked on the couch. Depression and pills have destroyed her and she is in denial, maybe because it hurts her, I don't know.
When she is getting things done and functioning I am much more content, and she is so talented and can be so sweet, but it only comes in flashes. She wonders why I bitch at her sometimes, but she wastes our life and our love, and has a man who thinks she's wonderful and beautiful and ignores him, letting him waste away alone every night. So much talent just wasting away. Her depression wears me down, and I do blame her to a degree because I know what the truth of it all is. She wonders why I don't "care" or do things for her like I used to, but it is because every good effort of mine seems squandred, wasted. I fix something, make something good, and turn around and it all seems in vain. I have always had to be the one to initiate sex or romance. Most of the time I sleep alone, and she says I am mean to her, but it is a self-protective action to preserve what I can of what good remains in me that she hasn't hurt or taken for granted. If she gave me what I want and need she'd be overwhelme with passion and love again, but the true concern for how I feel and what I want never seems to be there. When she does things for me it always seems like she's doing it out of some selfish root reason. It isn't a gift unless you don't want anything back in exchange for it.
Alex will run wild with a bad temper, loads of drama and disrespect, a refusal to do his homework, but she makes continual compromises and allowances for him, and complains about me when I law down the law. He violates the rules because she lets him, and she doesn't see it. He has learned to walk on people from her, and this is a woman who just can't or won't shut up or accept that she might be wrong about things. I have a better understanding of him, but she trys to treat him like a friend or equal when it is her job to teach him and keep him in check, which is why he walks all over her and she can't control him unless it is tied to some sort of bribe, like "going to the store" If this kids doesn't experiences consequences for his acts he will continue to act bad, and when I get on him and try to do that, to make him have to come to us, she gets in the way and thwarts my efforts.
But I'm the one with all the problems according to her. I can be fresh out of the shower, yet she complains that I smell. I have taken a bath, put on cologne, brushed my teeth, gargles, and shaved, and she has complained, so that's just another lame excuse. I initiate sex, always, never her, and I have read enough on the Internet and lived enough to know there must be something in her twisted mind or body chemistry that it is her that is the problem. I'm taking testosterone by patches and have gotten back much of my youthful energy, because men produce less when they get older, but so do women, and it is a lack of it in them that destroys their sex drives, but a PhD couldn't convince this bitch that she might have problems or be the source of them, and she paints things to others that it's me because I am upset and fed up, but she hides those behaviors to others.
I told her tonight that in bed a man and woman shouldn't be discussing problems when being intimate, but just be glad they have a warm body and love next to them, and let go of the day's problems and get lost in that. That has a power to heal, but she uses it to attack. I ask her to just let that go and every time, every single time I try to tell her any of this I'm cut off and the litany of how it is all me comes back. Tonight she says my weight is a problem, but when you love someone things like age, weight, differences in outlooks and views, and a whole host of things just should fade away. real honest love sees past the superficial. It isn't like I am going out and away from her, I try to draw her in to love and depth, but she stays on her island of depression and sends waves of sour words at me. I don't doubt that she loves me, but there is no depth of expression in that love. Love, real love should make love, the pleasures and treasures of love, the primary things. I can see past her being toothless, which comes from her overuse of methadone for pain, but she has allowed her depression to take everything good and taint it. A woman who should be everything to me is slowly killing herself, and it kills me inside. I can't be an enabler anymore. She needs to make changes, and I'd be glad to help again if she tried more. But I REFUSE to be an enable any longer, ever again. It really is on her to make the steps needed at first. She snorts pills, and I call her a junkie, but she acts like one, so am I wrong for calling it like I see it? I never ha to go to the hospital because I was withdrawing, and never got into bad situations withmoney or other problems over drugs. She says she is hurt and I put it there, but she has problems that force me away from her, and I didn't put them there, and at this point it is not my job to try to fix them, but to tell her how I feel, what i think, and be tere fo her when she really does decide to make the changes that will save her life and marriage.
Back in the days when we did go out, and when I could get her to actually dance, there was a rigidness to her dancing. I flow and move with the music, and allow myself to melt into it, but she was always rigid, never in time or connected with it, and I guess that is a sign of how someone feels love or expresses it. She just never lets the passion of it all flow. Birds in flight bend to the swirls of the wind, and fish swim using currents, and trees sway, but the people in the world who are mechanical when there is no reason not to be are either grossly unaware or unable to let loose and melt into the things they need to connect with. They try to force the world, not flow with it. And that is how love should be expressed. You flow with it, in mental terms and physical expressions of it.
That also comes with an acceptance of our humanity and human condition, a sense that being flawed is a part of human perfection, because when you accept the flaws as not that important then you see past them, and can enjoy the beauty of what is so right and perfect.
I know what I don't sleep well, and it is sad. I'm not content, and I need love on the level I speak about, and without it I'm incomplete, and there's a longing that disrupts me. A content man never seeks an affair, because all a good man wants is to be satisfied. I hear Judy say all men will cheat, but she doesn't see that there's a condition there. You have to make a man content, in life and in bed, and women cheat the same way when they aren't. I wasn't the first one to cheat in our relationship, and she carried a lie about that for years before coming off of it. She'll say that was before we were married, but so what! But even back when she and I started I knew there was something missing, and I don't think I would have married her if she didn't get pregnant with Alex, but I am married to him more than her, and that is sad, and I didn't make it that way. I was faithful to a few women completely without ever a thought of "cheating"... a desire to expand the parameters with the right people maybe, but just passing thoughts, and not strong desires or needs. Now I have those thoughts and needs because I need love on a deep level and passion as well, and am denied, and know what can be if it was allowed to be. I would have looked outside of us a lot less if I had a reason to keep looking at her but you can't be so harsh on smeone, so neglictful and expect them to keep giving and giving without any rewards for it.
I have tried everything to get Judy to see it, because it would be such a waste to walk away from so much invested, and I know adding Sarah would heal her and us if she could see half of what I am talking about. I'd be happy if she found a lover to fill her needs and spark her passion and animal side, because she would heal from it, but she's too stuck in a funk to be able to let loose like love demands. People get conditioned to some really unhealthy and unnatural views and attitudes.
Yeah, silly as it sounds, I really think people should be required to have sex or masturbate at least five times a week, and be required to go away for a weekend every six months, or at least once a year, and have sex with a total stranger. Just to take the stigma off of jealousy and ownership of relationship sex and allow the repressed assholes an excuse to cut loose and get their funk on. It would put people on a footing where they have to perform emotionally better for each other to earn a higher place in each other's hearts. You'd have to be a better partner and more giving to earn the respect and admiration of each other, and it would devalue the ownership aspects of committed relationships.
The most peaceful primates are Bonobos, who have sex when they meet each other, before or after they share food, like all the time. They don't get that tension I think, and it is casual as eating together, communal as going out dancing together or going to a ball game. That's another way... like baseball, with no time limits...as opposed to the violence and pressure of football or basketball, fighting the time on a clock. In baseball you wait for a pitch, and it's a team thing but an individual thing. In football there's this warlike rigidity that to me destroys the relaxation and enjoyment of the game. When relationships of societies are like that, it creates a whole host of problems that cause the divorce rate we have as a people.
You can't teach someone to be that free. We all want to be, but so few escape the fear of allowing ourselves to be that honest. If you can be so honest to say to your lover "I love you but I like so-and-so and would like to have sex with them and spend some time with them... can I go out tonight and have some freedom and come home to you tomorrow?" And the other to be so secure that you are happy they are going out to enjoy themselves, and what people fail to see is that if that was a way of life your partner would come home renewed and refreshed like they were stuck at work for six months and just had a month long vacation, walking back into work with a smile and happy attitude because they had something for themselves. And if a couple can be that way together, damn, it would bond them so strongly, and then the pressure of commitment would vanish, and you would feel like your partner was an extension of you, which is why i think Judy and Sarah would do so well together under one roof, because there are the same dynamics in friendship, and where I can't fix things their relationship might just.
Sarah has that ability to find that level of freedom, and I don't mean being wild and going out fucking everyone, but in being able to be honest with emotions and feelings and thoughts, and letting love and friendship just flow without secrets or manipulations. At least the potential, but until she lets go of Chris, because anyone can see her pill problems and stealing come from and as a result of that relationship.
But open friendship/companion style life takes work like standard one on one marriages do, maybe even more work. Just a different kind of work. But when people can be honestly committed to a partnership, fighting and working for common goals, then it works. Besides, I think...no, I know I'd be a much better father figure to her girls, and Judy would find fulfillment in being the second mom to her girls, and Alex would have another woman to fight that he wouldn't be able to walk all over like he does Judy. With a sane and secure home I could go out and get things done and progress instead of always running damage control and being taken for granted. I want Judy to have the resources that will get her to do her best, and me as well, and Sarah is that for both of us, and us for her.
It's like knowing what horse is going to win a race and you can't get anyone to bet on 'em.
Sometimes the longshot, the most unlikely of all things, is the perfection we all seek.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
3:03 am, and I'm weblistening to an alternative station from Mass that just kicks ass. Save It For Later by The English Beat is playing, and it reminds me of the kind of girl I really need as a mate, memories of The Shore and dancing and sand grinding and a diner at 5 am and frazzled......
I need someone with a spirit the can't be quenched, with a passion and hunger for love and life and a craving. I don't want an old woman who will go to bed without taking me there with her just to be with me, because she loves me and needs my touch. You can't teach that to someone, and after spending too much time trying to show someone if they don't get it they just don't.
It is completely what I need, what I miss and want and must have, and I will have no loyalty to someone that isn't willing to give that to me when I've begged for it for years. It is the surrender to love and to the "other" that completes you, and someone unwilling or unable to do that just doesn't get it, because they just don't give it. You give up that and you get so much back that it fills and energizes you.
The other part is the style that goes with it. My taste runs towards a girl who will wear a goth skirt, prissy shirt, pro keds, and that's it, and look more complete just because of how she carries herself.... call it eclectic, but that turns me on to no end. And yes, I really am the same as i was, maybe not at 17, but close. I feel more like I did when I was 22, 23, with aspects of me at 17 and 18 and 26, 27. I want a woman who will wake me up at 4 am to dance to the radio and maybe a for a kiss. You have to really step outside of your "self" and engage your lover, with passion and desire, and show them you need them and are pleased by pleasing them, and not hear shit for it or have them throw up some stupid bullshit when that starts to go down.
Life in the South, moreover life in Jacksonville, sucks ass royal. It really is a whole culture of selfish people who just don't get it. If you are honest with people, they attack you and try to use it against you. It is like they expect you to be selfish and stupid as well and all get off on how they can bring each other down and not be responsible to what they should be. There are excuses everywhere, and drama, and games, and abuse of the worst kind.
I have had much of who I am smothered and destroyed by life here, and my choices to try to make work what just doesn't fit, or even tries to meet me half way.
Carolina would maybe inspire that change, and so would the spark that bringing Sarah into our life, or if I could clone myself and make myself a younger me for Amanda, or a step back in time and a life with Julie. Or find a jin and have him zap that into Judy...
I was meant to be in a place where you don't have to explain what it means to be a Unitarian or defend being a democrat, where there are more restaurants than fast food joints, and there aren't pawnshops, hookers, crackheads, bails bondsmen and blood banks for case and other leech businesses that thrive on the suffering of others. I just simply don't fit here, and never will.
Judy can rise to that, but how do I explain all this to her and get her to change. And I think it is normal to love and not deny love, and I do love my wife, but without that passion I need her to relent before I can let that passion flow again, because she has just hurt me too much and just doesn't see it, and I know Sarah has feeling for me she denies because of the circumstances, and Amanda because of the age gap. I'm so depressed and overwhelmed by everything that I feel like I'm sinking and losing my self.
I used to sing, feel light, happy, and now there's this cloud thing following every step, and I feel like I've already drowned and gone to hell.
Married to a wife who loves Pink Floyd and can't see that she's the one who built the wall...... and every time I try to bring any of this up it gets deflected and ignored and attacked, never listened to or considered. All I ever get back is some critical shit of how I have all these faults, but do I? Or these things the result of years of someone sucking the good like a vampire, never replenishing, and always just a bit more selfish without ever seeing it.
The "light" days were when I was around people who just never let bad shit weigh them down. They just ignored it and it vanished, because it had no hold or power. But when you send negative energy in waves after waves you eventually wear down everything, including your own dreams, will, and happiness.
I need a sunrise.....
a real one.
I need someone with a spirit the can't be quenched, with a passion and hunger for love and life and a craving. I don't want an old woman who will go to bed without taking me there with her just to be with me, because she loves me and needs my touch. You can't teach that to someone, and after spending too much time trying to show someone if they don't get it they just don't.
It is completely what I need, what I miss and want and must have, and I will have no loyalty to someone that isn't willing to give that to me when I've begged for it for years. It is the surrender to love and to the "other" that completes you, and someone unwilling or unable to do that just doesn't get it, because they just don't give it. You give up that and you get so much back that it fills and energizes you.
The other part is the style that goes with it. My taste runs towards a girl who will wear a goth skirt, prissy shirt, pro keds, and that's it, and look more complete just because of how she carries herself.... call it eclectic, but that turns me on to no end. And yes, I really am the same as i was, maybe not at 17, but close. I feel more like I did when I was 22, 23, with aspects of me at 17 and 18 and 26, 27. I want a woman who will wake me up at 4 am to dance to the radio and maybe a for a kiss. You have to really step outside of your "self" and engage your lover, with passion and desire, and show them you need them and are pleased by pleasing them, and not hear shit for it or have them throw up some stupid bullshit when that starts to go down.
Life in the South, moreover life in Jacksonville, sucks ass royal. It really is a whole culture of selfish people who just don't get it. If you are honest with people, they attack you and try to use it against you. It is like they expect you to be selfish and stupid as well and all get off on how they can bring each other down and not be responsible to what they should be. There are excuses everywhere, and drama, and games, and abuse of the worst kind.
I have had much of who I am smothered and destroyed by life here, and my choices to try to make work what just doesn't fit, or even tries to meet me half way.
Carolina would maybe inspire that change, and so would the spark that bringing Sarah into our life, or if I could clone myself and make myself a younger me for Amanda, or a step back in time and a life with Julie. Or find a jin and have him zap that into Judy...
I was meant to be in a place where you don't have to explain what it means to be a Unitarian or defend being a democrat, where there are more restaurants than fast food joints, and there aren't pawnshops, hookers, crackheads, bails bondsmen and blood banks for case and other leech businesses that thrive on the suffering of others. I just simply don't fit here, and never will.
Judy can rise to that, but how do I explain all this to her and get her to change. And I think it is normal to love and not deny love, and I do love my wife, but without that passion I need her to relent before I can let that passion flow again, because she has just hurt me too much and just doesn't see it, and I know Sarah has feeling for me she denies because of the circumstances, and Amanda because of the age gap. I'm so depressed and overwhelmed by everything that I feel like I'm sinking and losing my self.
I used to sing, feel light, happy, and now there's this cloud thing following every step, and I feel like I've already drowned and gone to hell.
Married to a wife who loves Pink Floyd and can't see that she's the one who built the wall...... and every time I try to bring any of this up it gets deflected and ignored and attacked, never listened to or considered. All I ever get back is some critical shit of how I have all these faults, but do I? Or these things the result of years of someone sucking the good like a vampire, never replenishing, and always just a bit more selfish without ever seeing it.
The "light" days were when I was around people who just never let bad shit weigh them down. They just ignored it and it vanished, because it had no hold or power. But when you send negative energy in waves after waves you eventually wear down everything, including your own dreams, will, and happiness.
I need a sunrise.....
a real one.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Overwhelmed
Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed. Our car is running like shit, and is illegal, so I can't get to or look for work safely, and can't afford going to jail, period. Judy says she wants to work as a team, and I know she does, I just wish she would stay motivated.
Alex is being a brat, and when Judy babies him and he sees an out he will fight not to do his chores or homework, and then he walks all over her and is disrespectful, and Judy is so bent on non-confrontation that she creates it. I love her but we need to change the dynamics of it all.
Sarah says to me that if things were different that being together would be an option, and that the idea of being together interests her, and I know that if it did happen that what we have would grow into a warm and loving thing, and thing is I know that if Judy opened up to an expanded relationship where we all became one family that it would all work better. Friends do make the best lovers, and I know Sarah thinks of Judy as a friend maybe too much to get into bed with her, and Judy says she isn't like that but I see in her that if she was she'd be more content. If more friendships had that casual physical aspect that the friendships would be more bonding and the love that is the base of the friendship would grow in a healthy way to make people even closer.
I need a farm, a big house, a garden and a miniature golf course, and a king size bed to share with Sarah, or someone who could fill that role, and Judy, because they both honestly do bring out the best in each other and they function better when they are together.
I'd be happy to be a father to her girls, and Judy already fits into being a second mom to them, and I think it is natural for that kind of tribe or clan relationship thing. It works.
And while the pure sexual desire aspect of it would be great, I want that expanded relationship. because I can see how well it would work. I love sex with my wife, and get angry because I want a woman who will seduce me and take me by the hand just to share pleasure and romance and loving lust together, and I spend too many nights alone, without the touch I need to quell me and relax and satisfy me. I crave passion and warmth, and get angry because Judy withholds that aspect of marriage when that is the very thing that heals and binds, and Sarah doesn't get that either, but the conflicts and drama of the present day would be so greatly reduced by the three of us being one family, because there would always be mitigation and resolution that comes from a third party interceding, and giving input.
I also think, if they let friendship get physical between them, that the touch and massage and companionship and bonding that comes from being physical would be healing to them for each other.
Judy says it's emotional, but part of it is her mental-pause, and some of it our relationship and her bags, but she needs to drop the bags and just be happy for what she has...
They both should maybe get dressed up, find some cute guys, and go enjoy the ego trip. Something empowering for them both to share.. which could be done non-sexually as well. I just don't have the money to send them to Outward Bound or Hedonism.
Just getting wild without regrets and any ties, just for themselves for different reasons. Judy just to reawaken that lust desire and Sarah to see that there are other guys than her asshole husband.... change that to asshole, since a husband he is not.
But I think us all together would work because we all fit well together, and it feels like a big family when Sarah and Judy are together and her girls are here. I think it would be healthy for the girls as well, because they would get the attention they need and deserve, and besides, Judy can feel like she has a daughter.
People put too many divisions between them, too many stupid rules of conduct and expectations of a relationship.
My only concern in that is that Sarah isn't past stealing. But what the hell, Judy stole from a friend, and Sarah steals from us, and most of that IS the pills.
I never though Judy would steal like that, and it makes me sad. She hurt herself and a good friendship because she couldn't control her pill problem, and she is just like a junkie.
If Judy can have her pills and I have to endure that, then she should be sending me sexual relief partners, just for putting up with the pill drama shit. If that isn't more of a betrayal, what is?
But I accept the flaws that make us who we are, because it means we can work at being better.
Alex is being a brat, and when Judy babies him and he sees an out he will fight not to do his chores or homework, and then he walks all over her and is disrespectful, and Judy is so bent on non-confrontation that she creates it. I love her but we need to change the dynamics of it all.
Sarah says to me that if things were different that being together would be an option, and that the idea of being together interests her, and I know that if it did happen that what we have would grow into a warm and loving thing, and thing is I know that if Judy opened up to an expanded relationship where we all became one family that it would all work better. Friends do make the best lovers, and I know Sarah thinks of Judy as a friend maybe too much to get into bed with her, and Judy says she isn't like that but I see in her that if she was she'd be more content. If more friendships had that casual physical aspect that the friendships would be more bonding and the love that is the base of the friendship would grow in a healthy way to make people even closer.
I need a farm, a big house, a garden and a miniature golf course, and a king size bed to share with Sarah, or someone who could fill that role, and Judy, because they both honestly do bring out the best in each other and they function better when they are together.
I'd be happy to be a father to her girls, and Judy already fits into being a second mom to them, and I think it is natural for that kind of tribe or clan relationship thing. It works.
And while the pure sexual desire aspect of it would be great, I want that expanded relationship. because I can see how well it would work. I love sex with my wife, and get angry because I want a woman who will seduce me and take me by the hand just to share pleasure and romance and loving lust together, and I spend too many nights alone, without the touch I need to quell me and relax and satisfy me. I crave passion and warmth, and get angry because Judy withholds that aspect of marriage when that is the very thing that heals and binds, and Sarah doesn't get that either, but the conflicts and drama of the present day would be so greatly reduced by the three of us being one family, because there would always be mitigation and resolution that comes from a third party interceding, and giving input.
I also think, if they let friendship get physical between them, that the touch and massage and companionship and bonding that comes from being physical would be healing to them for each other.
Judy says it's emotional, but part of it is her mental-pause, and some of it our relationship and her bags, but she needs to drop the bags and just be happy for what she has...
They both should maybe get dressed up, find some cute guys, and go enjoy the ego trip. Something empowering for them both to share.. which could be done non-sexually as well. I just don't have the money to send them to Outward Bound or Hedonism.
Just getting wild without regrets and any ties, just for themselves for different reasons. Judy just to reawaken that lust desire and Sarah to see that there are other guys than her asshole husband.... change that to asshole, since a husband he is not.
But I think us all together would work because we all fit well together, and it feels like a big family when Sarah and Judy are together and her girls are here. I think it would be healthy for the girls as well, because they would get the attention they need and deserve, and besides, Judy can feel like she has a daughter.
People put too many divisions between them, too many stupid rules of conduct and expectations of a relationship.
My only concern in that is that Sarah isn't past stealing. But what the hell, Judy stole from a friend, and Sarah steals from us, and most of that IS the pills.
I never though Judy would steal like that, and it makes me sad. She hurt herself and a good friendship because she couldn't control her pill problem, and she is just like a junkie.
If Judy can have her pills and I have to endure that, then she should be sending me sexual relief partners, just for putting up with the pill drama shit. If that isn't more of a betrayal, what is?
But I accept the flaws that make us who we are, because it means we can work at being better.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Today was stressful and mildly productive. All day long I tried to get Alex to do things he was told to do, clean up messes he made, and when I get on to him Wickedy mitigates everything. You don't baby someone doing what they shouldn't or not what they should.
have a cold and kicking it, Sarah has one, Judy, too. But they are mild, and Judy keeps using everything as an excuse to do minimums, and makes me the bad guy for demanding my son do what he should do.
I wish Sarah would tell Judy what she really feels about me and tells her she thinks about what it would be like as a lover. She admits that she says what she does to her because of how complex friendships with people you like are and doesn't want to hurt her friendship with Judy, but if she came clean with Judy about how she is curious about getting physical with me and Judy was smart enough to see that adding Sarah wouldn't hurt but help us all, and I mean all. Alex and Sarah's girls, Judy, Sarah and I would all benefit.
It would make a functioning home and, even though unusual and complete, work well, because the two of them together would fix and support each other, fixing each other's weaknesses, and I would get what I need to have the will to go out and make shit happen. Right now everything has me so beaten down I am getting depressed myself. Judy just needs to shut up when it comes to Alex because her comments and actions validate his fighting and defiance, and she doesn't see it. If Sarah and Judy could both be honest and we all make one family the dynamics would solve much of what holds us all back.
Amanda met some Navy kid, and he seems okay enough, and I hope that helps her. It is funny how elements in people work and some don't, and it would be nice to install and delete those aspects like programs in a computer.
Consideration and compassion are the keys to happiness, but it is like a blind man reading to a deaf one. Gotta find some solution, because I do love my wife, but I need more than her how she is, and am at a point where I have to have what I want and know what works.
I still think Judy needs to get dressed up, go out solo, and get fucked stupid by something young and cute, so maybe she finds that lust desire aspect that every woman needs. I sleep alone and should, at least once a few weeks, get my dick sucked for the hell of and desire from my old lady. The failure of partners to just submit to will and put bullshit aside amazes me. It is why divorce is more common than lives lived as one.
In order...
I want my need for these things to be met:
Companionship, Friendship, Love, Romance, Lust
But I want them to be met in expression in reverse order.
The need is for companionship, which is the summit.
The need for lust is the valley....
but you make an ascent from the bottom up.
I want a woman who will come lead me by the hand to bed because of two reasons...
She wants some good lovemakimng and wants it from me.
She wants me and loves me and wants to express it by sharing pleasure with me.
Those things have to work together, at the same time.
And there are friendships I'd like to have an expression of sex to pass between, just for the fun of it like dancing or shooting a game of pool.
Denial of it is like starving someone, and it has to work in two directions, and not be tainted with discussion or mouth.
The expression should make the statements.
have a cold and kicking it, Sarah has one, Judy, too. But they are mild, and Judy keeps using everything as an excuse to do minimums, and makes me the bad guy for demanding my son do what he should do.
I wish Sarah would tell Judy what she really feels about me and tells her she thinks about what it would be like as a lover. She admits that she says what she does to her because of how complex friendships with people you like are and doesn't want to hurt her friendship with Judy, but if she came clean with Judy about how she is curious about getting physical with me and Judy was smart enough to see that adding Sarah wouldn't hurt but help us all, and I mean all. Alex and Sarah's girls, Judy, Sarah and I would all benefit.
It would make a functioning home and, even though unusual and complete, work well, because the two of them together would fix and support each other, fixing each other's weaknesses, and I would get what I need to have the will to go out and make shit happen. Right now everything has me so beaten down I am getting depressed myself. Judy just needs to shut up when it comes to Alex because her comments and actions validate his fighting and defiance, and she doesn't see it. If Sarah and Judy could both be honest and we all make one family the dynamics would solve much of what holds us all back.
Amanda met some Navy kid, and he seems okay enough, and I hope that helps her. It is funny how elements in people work and some don't, and it would be nice to install and delete those aspects like programs in a computer.
Consideration and compassion are the keys to happiness, but it is like a blind man reading to a deaf one. Gotta find some solution, because I do love my wife, but I need more than her how she is, and am at a point where I have to have what I want and know what works.
I still think Judy needs to get dressed up, go out solo, and get fucked stupid by something young and cute, so maybe she finds that lust desire aspect that every woman needs. I sleep alone and should, at least once a few weeks, get my dick sucked for the hell of and desire from my old lady. The failure of partners to just submit to will and put bullshit aside amazes me. It is why divorce is more common than lives lived as one.
In order...
I want my need for these things to be met:
Companionship, Friendship, Love, Romance, Lust
But I want them to be met in expression in reverse order.
The need is for companionship, which is the summit.
The need for lust is the valley....
but you make an ascent from the bottom up.
I want a woman who will come lead me by the hand to bed because of two reasons...
She wants some good lovemakimng and wants it from me.
She wants me and loves me and wants to express it by sharing pleasure with me.
Those things have to work together, at the same time.
And there are friendships I'd like to have an expression of sex to pass between, just for the fun of it like dancing or shooting a game of pool.
Denial of it is like starving someone, and it has to work in two directions, and not be tainted with discussion or mouth.
The expression should make the statements.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
TLC and the Anatomy
TLC had some sex related shows on last night. Two were on pologamy, the first dealing with happy and functional mormons, but the girl doing that documentary (some English chick) had a good point. They keep seperate beds and rotate and she said what she wants is to have her lover sleeping with her at night, so their lifestyle was a great communial thing, but was lacking. She's traveling the world doing documentaries on how men and women have relationships around the world.
I have to agree with her. But I'm unusual among men and people. I think, for me anyway, the mariage(s) and relationship(s) should be open. I don't mind having my companion lover having sex without me as long as she brings her love, and herself, on home to me, and I'd like an open bed, where the women I love sleep with me together, and if we all agree and bring in outside people, even other men, that we all share and remember that sex is sex and love is love and sex can be an expression of lust, passion, or love and companionship and friendship. The mormons usually sleep alone or go on some schedule, and that does breed jealousy, which is something I detest with every fiber of my soul.
The second show was on a guy in Texas with two wives who sought out a third. After years and years of a happy home he met another girl in college and kind of forced her into his home. Stupid and greedy, the second wife and the potential third didn't get along, and he wound up divorced in the long run. He had it made. The first two wives accepted the relationship that way and were happy and content, but some guys just get stupid or greedy I guess. If I had two beautiful wives who were friends I would be thankful I had two women who loved me who I loved. If a third happened along, it would have to be them who wanted to expand it, but three would have to be the limit, and we would all have to care for, respect, and like each other, and there would be no rotation of "who gets the man" bullshit. Sex should flow like water or waves or clouds, without pressures or expectations. They put sex and sleeping on a schedule and had seperate rooms, and that is the mistake. And if one of my wives or lovers wanted to bring in another guy and loved him the same thing should apply. Women have equal rights in almost everything in my eyes.
But I do honestly think people should live in a tribe/pack setting, that it is more natural. I think an alpha male running things works best, and that the women should run the home and motivate and assist the man as he ventures out to provide, and that the man should do the same for any of his wives who want to work. The women should help each other run the house and give the man some responsibility and jobs, and everything should be decided by consensus and council.
Maybe I'm an idealist and want some kind of utopia, but the only thing that prevents people from having that is ourselves. You love because you love, and we can't always choose who we love, we just do, but there has to be respect and the ability for companionship there. Friendship needs to be working, with respect.
And the person I want to be my best friend treats me like an enemy all the time, no matter how much I try to get her to just be accepting and carefree.
When there are people giving of themselves with the most consideration going to partners than ourselves, like magic 1+1=3. You get more than both put in together.
Even more is possible if passionate lover/friend/companions share everything, are always considering each other, and put in real effort to be and live happy for themselves and each other. You have to really love yourself before you can love and give honestly to others you claim to love, and when everyong is working together dreams and happiness are easier to attain.
And women working together, like Sarah and Judy do, function better. Men I think are more solitary, and women can entertain each other. Men and women often fight because women want ever detail about everything discussed and understood, which it can't be, and men make quick, logical and simple decisions, and don't need to talk a thing to death. So women who are friends and can share and both love a man, and maybe each other, compliment and enhance each other, and compensate for what they may lack. Men can do that, but too often it gets old fast for them. If more women who would be lovers in a more sexual and perfect world would share their men, because women who are friends usually like the same kind of guy, and one big bed had the relaxing satisfaction of embracing and melding into each other more people whould stay married longer, and the more monagonous marriages that allowed for a little extramarital vacations every now and then, there would be less divorces.
I don't think we were designed to be stuck with one person forever and ever, and that it is healthy to let a little steam off, because there gets to be resentment when that gets denied. Yeah, the guy was stupid, because even though his first two wives were content with their relationship for years, if they were open enough to all be in one bed every night there would be so many less problems.
Okay, the third show was on the anatomy of sex, where they went into all the physical things that happen to us during and because of sex. How when early primates stood up we started looking at each other face to face, so genitals moved from behind to around front, especially in women, and how the body and brain and it all acts and reacts. And I even learned something, that a soft dick is tense, and it is only when the muscles relax that it becomes thick with blood. Yup, already knew how sex swells lips and clits and all... They had a couple lie entwined and joined in an MRI machine for 13 minutes to get a detailed look at how it looks and what happens. I really wanted to watch these shows with Judy, but she is just so bitter and closed minded.
I guess I do dwell on sex, but I love it and think it is a beautiful expression of life and that if more people in the world were like me we'd all be too busy making love to each other to have time to war or steal or do bad.
And sex to me also doesn't have to involve genitals. I love touch and to be held and caressed.
Maybe I have a deep animal side, which is why I can sense scents and it gets me arroused.
Sarah told me again that she thinks about being with me, but because of how Judy is and because they became friends, and because of how Chris keeps watch on her, and hounds her, and because she's afraid she'll tell him, and even though she doesn't say it, my age maybe has something to do with it... maybe that's why we haven't yet, that and she has four girls, Judy is always home, and we never really have time alone... But we both know if we were both single there would be something there, and I keep suggesting it to Judy, because it would be healthy for her.
They both actually do better, are happier, and function better when they are spending time together. They compliment and fit each other, which is the best aspect of sister wives. A best friend you can actually share everything with> I think anyone would be stupid not to see, want, or take that path.
And Amanda was over today, sad as usual. Josh dumped her and I think he did her a favor. She's hurt, but better off, and she was crying because she is alone and doesn't want to have a baby alone or be alone.
Despite the age, and damn the age between us, she'd be a great lover. I don't think I'd be looking for a life in lover if she and I were together, but she'd maybe be open to swing and play together in time, and man if I could turn back time and produce the 20 year old me she'd fall so deeply in love with me, it would be like Julie all over again. She has so much of that awareness and passion about things. Judy has the awareness but not the passion and Sarah has the passion but not the understanding or awareness, and neither one the motivation to be the "activist" mate that I always needed in my life, but Amanda does. Judy could have it, does in some ways, but lacks motivation or commitment. But with Amanda, all she lacks is experience, but not enough motivation or passion, much like Judy. I hope she gets to keep that and doesn't lose it, like many women do, like Judy did before she even met me. Different women fit different aspects, and very rare it is one women that can fit more or all. I don't think any can fit them all, and I wouldn't want that. I want someone who will be as willing to fight with me as agree, but always do both with consideration, love, and respect.
Julie, Bethany, Amanda, Ginny, early Lori (she changed, man she changed)(funny, she has some of Judy's traits that I don't like), Shari, Sarah.... Michele....Chloe, Grace, Alice, Christine... even Barbra. Judy I wish I could just put the best aspects of them in her, and I could have done much worse. Judy has so many of those aspects, but they sit un-used and un-lived. Maybe much of it might be geographical as well, and social because. The Southern mindset is repressive.
But that's what I'd pick in order, just about. And Judy is unique in a way because she has the ability to have them or has those aspects within her, but always unexpressed and it is like a waste, like an artist that refuses to use good brushes and paints on a big, blank canvas.
Diana lost her dogs, and man that hurts even me. Now she would have been another woman that would of been fun to meet when I was younger, but like the title of this journal.... Fucked by 20-30 years..... you learn what fits best later in life.
Yeah, I want a mate that fits me and wants me to fit her and will meet me on equal terms as a true partner....
Maybe that's why I feel so fucked. I just have to keep remembering I have a son to think about and a duty to him. It's like my real happiness, what I need for me, has to stay on hold. And it shouldn't have to wait, when it could be right there right now with the woman I love.
Maybe I'll find that "die in your arms" love again. Maybe that will happen with Judy again. Maybe she might see it one day, but she lacks the ability to totally release and surrender to love.
God knows that those two make my heart race more than they make my dick hard, which is the kind of passion and companionship and love I want. Judy still does at times, when she comes out of the fog of depression and pill monsterness that has damaged her so much, and as a result us.
At least I know what I want....
I have to agree with her. But I'm unusual among men and people. I think, for me anyway, the mariage(s) and relationship(s) should be open. I don't mind having my companion lover having sex without me as long as she brings her love, and herself, on home to me, and I'd like an open bed, where the women I love sleep with me together, and if we all agree and bring in outside people, even other men, that we all share and remember that sex is sex and love is love and sex can be an expression of lust, passion, or love and companionship and friendship. The mormons usually sleep alone or go on some schedule, and that does breed jealousy, which is something I detest with every fiber of my soul.
The second show was on a guy in Texas with two wives who sought out a third. After years and years of a happy home he met another girl in college and kind of forced her into his home. Stupid and greedy, the second wife and the potential third didn't get along, and he wound up divorced in the long run. He had it made. The first two wives accepted the relationship that way and were happy and content, but some guys just get stupid or greedy I guess. If I had two beautiful wives who were friends I would be thankful I had two women who loved me who I loved. If a third happened along, it would have to be them who wanted to expand it, but three would have to be the limit, and we would all have to care for, respect, and like each other, and there would be no rotation of "who gets the man" bullshit. Sex should flow like water or waves or clouds, without pressures or expectations. They put sex and sleeping on a schedule and had seperate rooms, and that is the mistake. And if one of my wives or lovers wanted to bring in another guy and loved him the same thing should apply. Women have equal rights in almost everything in my eyes.
But I do honestly think people should live in a tribe/pack setting, that it is more natural. I think an alpha male running things works best, and that the women should run the home and motivate and assist the man as he ventures out to provide, and that the man should do the same for any of his wives who want to work. The women should help each other run the house and give the man some responsibility and jobs, and everything should be decided by consensus and council.
Maybe I'm an idealist and want some kind of utopia, but the only thing that prevents people from having that is ourselves. You love because you love, and we can't always choose who we love, we just do, but there has to be respect and the ability for companionship there. Friendship needs to be working, with respect.
And the person I want to be my best friend treats me like an enemy all the time, no matter how much I try to get her to just be accepting and carefree.
When there are people giving of themselves with the most consideration going to partners than ourselves, like magic 1+1=3. You get more than both put in together.
Even more is possible if passionate lover/friend/companions share everything, are always considering each other, and put in real effort to be and live happy for themselves and each other. You have to really love yourself before you can love and give honestly to others you claim to love, and when everyong is working together dreams and happiness are easier to attain.
And women working together, like Sarah and Judy do, function better. Men I think are more solitary, and women can entertain each other. Men and women often fight because women want ever detail about everything discussed and understood, which it can't be, and men make quick, logical and simple decisions, and don't need to talk a thing to death. So women who are friends and can share and both love a man, and maybe each other, compliment and enhance each other, and compensate for what they may lack. Men can do that, but too often it gets old fast for them. If more women who would be lovers in a more sexual and perfect world would share their men, because women who are friends usually like the same kind of guy, and one big bed had the relaxing satisfaction of embracing and melding into each other more people whould stay married longer, and the more monagonous marriages that allowed for a little extramarital vacations every now and then, there would be less divorces.
I don't think we were designed to be stuck with one person forever and ever, and that it is healthy to let a little steam off, because there gets to be resentment when that gets denied. Yeah, the guy was stupid, because even though his first two wives were content with their relationship for years, if they were open enough to all be in one bed every night there would be so many less problems.
Okay, the third show was on the anatomy of sex, where they went into all the physical things that happen to us during and because of sex. How when early primates stood up we started looking at each other face to face, so genitals moved from behind to around front, especially in women, and how the body and brain and it all acts and reacts. And I even learned something, that a soft dick is tense, and it is only when the muscles relax that it becomes thick with blood. Yup, already knew how sex swells lips and clits and all... They had a couple lie entwined and joined in an MRI machine for 13 minutes to get a detailed look at how it looks and what happens. I really wanted to watch these shows with Judy, but she is just so bitter and closed minded.
I guess I do dwell on sex, but I love it and think it is a beautiful expression of life and that if more people in the world were like me we'd all be too busy making love to each other to have time to war or steal or do bad.
And sex to me also doesn't have to involve genitals. I love touch and to be held and caressed.
Maybe I have a deep animal side, which is why I can sense scents and it gets me arroused.
Sarah told me again that she thinks about being with me, but because of how Judy is and because they became friends, and because of how Chris keeps watch on her, and hounds her, and because she's afraid she'll tell him, and even though she doesn't say it, my age maybe has something to do with it... maybe that's why we haven't yet, that and she has four girls, Judy is always home, and we never really have time alone... But we both know if we were both single there would be something there, and I keep suggesting it to Judy, because it would be healthy for her.
They both actually do better, are happier, and function better when they are spending time together. They compliment and fit each other, which is the best aspect of sister wives. A best friend you can actually share everything with> I think anyone would be stupid not to see, want, or take that path.
And Amanda was over today, sad as usual. Josh dumped her and I think he did her a favor. She's hurt, but better off, and she was crying because she is alone and doesn't want to have a baby alone or be alone.
Despite the age, and damn the age between us, she'd be a great lover. I don't think I'd be looking for a life in lover if she and I were together, but she'd maybe be open to swing and play together in time, and man if I could turn back time and produce the 20 year old me she'd fall so deeply in love with me, it would be like Julie all over again. She has so much of that awareness and passion about things. Judy has the awareness but not the passion and Sarah has the passion but not the understanding or awareness, and neither one the motivation to be the "activist" mate that I always needed in my life, but Amanda does. Judy could have it, does in some ways, but lacks motivation or commitment. But with Amanda, all she lacks is experience, but not enough motivation or passion, much like Judy. I hope she gets to keep that and doesn't lose it, like many women do, like Judy did before she even met me. Different women fit different aspects, and very rare it is one women that can fit more or all. I don't think any can fit them all, and I wouldn't want that. I want someone who will be as willing to fight with me as agree, but always do both with consideration, love, and respect.
Julie, Bethany, Amanda, Ginny, early Lori (she changed, man she changed)(funny, she has some of Judy's traits that I don't like), Shari, Sarah.... Michele....Chloe, Grace, Alice, Christine... even Barbra. Judy I wish I could just put the best aspects of them in her, and I could have done much worse. Judy has so many of those aspects, but they sit un-used and un-lived. Maybe much of it might be geographical as well, and social because. The Southern mindset is repressive.
But that's what I'd pick in order, just about. And Judy is unique in a way because she has the ability to have them or has those aspects within her, but always unexpressed and it is like a waste, like an artist that refuses to use good brushes and paints on a big, blank canvas.
Diana lost her dogs, and man that hurts even me. Now she would have been another woman that would of been fun to meet when I was younger, but like the title of this journal.... Fucked by 20-30 years..... you learn what fits best later in life.
Yeah, I want a mate that fits me and wants me to fit her and will meet me on equal terms as a true partner....
Maybe that's why I feel so fucked. I just have to keep remembering I have a son to think about and a duty to him. It's like my real happiness, what I need for me, has to stay on hold. And it shouldn't have to wait, when it could be right there right now with the woman I love.
Maybe I'll find that "die in your arms" love again. Maybe that will happen with Judy again. Maybe she might see it one day, but she lacks the ability to totally release and surrender to love.
God knows that those two make my heart race more than they make my dick hard, which is the kind of passion and companionship and love I want. Judy still does at times, when she comes out of the fog of depression and pill monsterness that has damaged her so much, and as a result us.
At least I know what I want....
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