I tried again to get intimate with Judy and have sex. We got the new couch, and she lit candles, and then the mouth starts. Assigning blames, telling me the litany of what I need to fix, but never, never, never one single admission that she might be creating some of the problems, never an advance but there's this list of what is wrong with me and what I have to do for her. I begged her to just stop and let the moment be something good between us, to heal and fix us, but she just can't let go of bullshit. I know that if you just let what is good grow the rest has a way of working itself out and fixing itself.
Good relations are something you have to build in everything you do. You can't wallow in that bullshit, because there will always be bullshit and things you might not like about friends, family, lovers, associates and so on. But if you start with sour you get sour. If you dwell on bad that's all you wind up seeing. She says she read my journal and was waiting to hear something wonderful about her, but that journal wasn't about that because I've had 20 years to reflect upon it all. I don't have to or have a desire to rehash what I know as much as debate in my own words and mind what I am trying to know the meaning of. She is resentful and hurt it's not about her, but why does it have to be? It was about me, and what I am feeling and need. I know what I need from her, and she is just too unwilling to make any compromises to give that to me.
She also thinks it's sex, but that isn't the mainstay of what I need or want. I want romance and love and intimacy, and for years I have tried and wound up subjected to this running list of what I have to change and fix, and what I have to give to her.
I was a doormat for years, subjected to abuses she refuses to acknowledge or admit even might be there except the occasional " I know I have problems" Well, I many concentrate of that, but for years she has been killing herself with drugs and sloth and this need to see the worst, at least that is what I see getting expressed, and that is all she dwells on. She says I don't know her, but I do, and not just this image she fronts to people.
She is capable of so much more, and so much of me hates the squandered chances at greatness. Her guitar is an example. I got her strings and still haven't heard one note played, or even on the piano for that matter. She is critical of my use of the computer and the civic work and things I am an activist about, but those are things that make me us and enrich me and I get attacked for them. Why? Is it because it isn't her? Is she jealous of that?
I went from feeling good with a hard dick and love for her and her need to fuck it all up with her discourse and critical comments and suggestions made my dick shrink, my back ache, and I even have a headache now. She wants me to go to her? I did that for years, and damn her it is all her turn now. If she won't make real efforts to get past that, then she has to take those steps. She wants me to do the work in fixing us, but she doesn't make the efforts to fix us on her own. She says if Sarah wants to be with me it is fine with her just that she doesn't want to know, and won't share her marriage bed, then says if I do I have to move on, because she says I don't want her. But I do want her, despite wanting Sarah, and Sarah has told her and I different stories about how she feels about me, and I know what we have, and if Judy was okay with it Sarah and I would have something going on, but she doesn't want to hurt Judy and I can respect that, and Judy just doesn't get it about me I guess, that I'm done with being dishonest with myself. There is no reason not to let love rule my life, and she also said that if she loved someone else that it would hurt me, but that is true only if there is a betrayal there. I actually would love it for her to share love with another man, as long as she remembers where her home and husband are, and comes right back to it.
It that extra love heals her, enriches her, and makes her happy, then that would naturally do us good because she would feel better about her own life. I'd get the benefits from it. If some guy took her out, romanced her, made her content, satisfied, and happy, then she would be that way because it would go with her, and I would deal with a happier wife, and that would make me happier, and as a result I could express more love to her, which she would be more receptive to respond to, so we'd grow, that is, if we were honest with ourselves and each other about it all.
So instead of passion and tenderness I am once again alone, a squandered day out of a lifetime of just so many days, gone and wasted alone, because not to share the moment, once that moment is gone it is gone, and the memory of that moment is one that is alone, isolated, and cold.
If she knew the truth about how some people feel and think about some of my observations she'd be shocked, because she thinks everyone agrees with her, but I think they might agree because she badgers that into and out of people without even knowing it, because Judy judges and is critical of all views except her own is so many areas. I used to do so much more, but that feels like it was squandered as well. It got to feel like it was as if all my good intentions and efforts were nothing but enabling, and i am sorry, she may be doing better, but it will take a lot more to repair what she broke in me.
I'm done for now......................
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Judy wrote a journal, and it is the same views, just like she never read or doesn't remember my journal except things she took out of context or without understanding. She mentions Amanda and Steph, but with Amanda there is a general attraction, but she is only 18 and so much of her reminds me of Julie, in attitudes and mannerisms and just general style. I can't help but have that part of me that loved and still loves Julie fall in love and be infatuated with her. But that was then and this is now, and that is just a passing fancy that I wanted to know why it was there. And as far as Steph, to finally see her as a young woman who is cool and recognize just how beautiful she is, and see what she is going through is more out of concern for her not falling into the Southern doormat trap that so many women do. I wouldn't go there. Naturally part of me would like to, just like I am sure when Judy looks at Josh or Zach and pictures herself 20 and free that if she wasn't where she is in life now and was 20 again that they would be cute and worth catching. I think we need to keep ourselves reminded of what it is we are attracted to and like that keeps that spark inside of us alive in the first place. There is a big difference in having a fantasy and understanding what it is in you that makes those desires and acting upon them.
As far as Jay goes, when I had gone to get her and her kids Judy and I hadn't been together in three months, and even once I got back she didn't touch me, and Jay was all over me. I liked Jay, but never loved her, and like I said before, a hungry man might be able to resist eating forbidden fruit, but a starving man has to eat, and sometimes eats the wrong thing. I was wrong, I apologized, I am sorry for so many reasons and yes, it was stupid, but I am the only one walking in my shoes, and Judy just can't let that go. She says she was "trying", but fifteen minuets of missionary boredom isn't what I call sex, and she was still devoid of tenderness and passion, and I was resentful and I guess part of me saw fucking her as payback for all the bitching and denial.
She also talks about hygiene, and if I had a better environment and wasn't driven into depression myself I'd be back to a more trimmed and clean me, but most of the time anymore I just don't give a fuck. Why bother, when almost every effort to be seductive and romantic is met with a barrage of complaints and put downs and blame casting. Judy is really good at assigning blame but never any good at admitting any. Further, she lives with a garbage bag or can right next to the sofa, looks at a kitchen filled with roaches and dirty food filled dishes and says "what's wrong with it?" like it's fine, and sleeps away so much of her life that it makes me resentful and sick and angry.
I could easily have taken up quite a few women on offers, or spend my extra money on beer at a bar or pills and games like Chris. I spend my last dollar for her or Alex all the time without any thanks often, and have to cover her slack, and this house really started falling apart when I stopped doing everything all the time. I refuse to do everything and empower her any longer. And she complains that I yell, but what do I yell about? I bitch that the house is a mess and needs to be cleaned, or when something is undone or wrong.
We have a piano, and my son plays stupid video games while she counts pills or grinds them up to snort them, and is more concerned and spends more energy on pill drama than she does on me, ever.
She never leads me to bed, seduces me or romances me. She complains I'm too heavy for sex with her, but she will bitch when I know, without a doubt, that I am being lighter than a skinny dude, and besides, even small and skinny could be forceful. I have slept with skinny chicks, fat chicks, big and small, and have done so when I was heavy and when I was more toned, and if you are in shape and full of desire none of that shit matters. You can't stay on a couch or in bed half of every day and be in any kind of decent shape. Any woman Judy's size could lay a man down and ride him, facing front or back, and work that dick til she makes the man underneath her turn to Jell-O. Why can't she? Why has she never, and she pretends that she was so much more active and in tune with me at one time, but the ONLY sunrise this bitch has ever shared with me was when I was taking her to the hospital because she ran out of pills, for like the 100th time. Man, that really motivates me to want to give it my all!
She says I bad mouth her to everyone, but just last night I was talking to Carmello and Sarah was in the back seat as we were going to work, and I said to him that Judy was trying to do better and complementing her, and Carmello kept saying "no comment", like if he said anything about what he thought of Judy it would be critical. He has known me and her long enough that anything I said to him wouldn't change his opinion about Judy, because he knows her and her side as well. He think when I worked up at Uncle Charlies and Judy would call and call wanting something he'd say like "Why can't she do that for herself?" And has see how hard I work and got upset with me because I was doing things that Judy should have been doing, and I didn't even say a word. he likes Judy, but thinks she is lazy and needs to get off her ass and motivate.
But Judy thinks I bad mouth her all the time, but usually I might just talk to people about my life and how I feel about things. if that sometimes is negative, oh well......
PHONE CALL! I just talked to Betty LeRoy, a client and friend, and I have work for her to do this week. I just asked her to be honest with me if I ever put my wife down and badmouthed her or if I would talk about my life and complain, usually that she was fucking up on her pills or just being lazy, and I am right, because Betty is really honest with me. I asked her if I ever tell her how much I love my wife and just want to see her fix herself, and she said "all the time". Judy assumes way too much, because anyone who is fucking up and in denial about problems will take anything as critical and blow it all out of purportion.
I wouldn't be talking to anyone about my problems if I didn't have any, and I'm honest about things as i see it. I even discuss my own shortcomings with them, and my friends more than most open up to me about their problems, like Betty talking about her family, how she felt about losing her mom, and the way her marriage changed when her husband became a Jehovah's Witness. I have a wide range of friends, and most of my clients become friends. Barbra and Ray have heard often how much I love my wife and am sick of her being sick and we discuss ways to try to get her out of her depression and away from using pills for everything, and way too much detail into gastric problems, which Ray shares with Judy.
Sarah and I talked again, and we got a lot of work done. She will be a great partner in painting because, generally, women take their time and as a result make less of a mess and do better quality work. Sarah says she would feel guilty and feels guilty about having desire for me like I do for her, and in no way wants to hurt Judy, and I respect that, because I would never want to hurt my wife, but for me to feel what I feel and why I feel it, and know what I know about people and life, the best thing for all of us is to be together, and Judy is stupid if she thinks it's all about sex. It's about companionship, love, romance, intimacy, and family.
I wish I could complete my wife and she me, but Sarah completes things in Judy and Judy to Sarah in some ways I never could, and they have a friendship that is stronger and can grow into a life partnership that is so seldom and rare in life. To have someone closer than a sister, who you can trust with every little thing, who is always concerned about you, and cares, that is a gift, and we each are weaker by ourselves, but can give each other parts of ourselves that make us each stronger, and I see my love and marriage to Judy being stronger and better with Sarah there, because the flowing of things between us each will do nothing but make us better, happier, more fulfilled people.
That is part of why I talk about my problems to some friends, because I am frustrated and need someone to talk to, and don't want to burden my mother. Sarah is good for both of us for that and we are good for her. We all have our problems, and we all need to be bound in a relationship where we share what is best in us with each other. For years Judy and I have needed something more to make things work better between us, and Sarah is it, and Sarah for years has needed a friend she can trust to always be looking out for what is best for her and a man who gives her what she deserves, and Judy and I are that.
If and when my wife ever realizes just how much I love her, and that what I feel is out of love for her, then we might reach a level so few people ever get to. I can't help who and how I am, I just know what will make me better, and at my best I can give more than I have been able to. I need to give that level, and the way it has been for so long has kept me sad and down, and I can't live that way any more. Life is too short for aiming low.
As far as Jay goes, when I had gone to get her and her kids Judy and I hadn't been together in three months, and even once I got back she didn't touch me, and Jay was all over me. I liked Jay, but never loved her, and like I said before, a hungry man might be able to resist eating forbidden fruit, but a starving man has to eat, and sometimes eats the wrong thing. I was wrong, I apologized, I am sorry for so many reasons and yes, it was stupid, but I am the only one walking in my shoes, and Judy just can't let that go. She says she was "trying", but fifteen minuets of missionary boredom isn't what I call sex, and she was still devoid of tenderness and passion, and I was resentful and I guess part of me saw fucking her as payback for all the bitching and denial.
She also talks about hygiene, and if I had a better environment and wasn't driven into depression myself I'd be back to a more trimmed and clean me, but most of the time anymore I just don't give a fuck. Why bother, when almost every effort to be seductive and romantic is met with a barrage of complaints and put downs and blame casting. Judy is really good at assigning blame but never any good at admitting any. Further, she lives with a garbage bag or can right next to the sofa, looks at a kitchen filled with roaches and dirty food filled dishes and says "what's wrong with it?" like it's fine, and sleeps away so much of her life that it makes me resentful and sick and angry.
I could easily have taken up quite a few women on offers, or spend my extra money on beer at a bar or pills and games like Chris. I spend my last dollar for her or Alex all the time without any thanks often, and have to cover her slack, and this house really started falling apart when I stopped doing everything all the time. I refuse to do everything and empower her any longer. And she complains that I yell, but what do I yell about? I bitch that the house is a mess and needs to be cleaned, or when something is undone or wrong.
We have a piano, and my son plays stupid video games while she counts pills or grinds them up to snort them, and is more concerned and spends more energy on pill drama than she does on me, ever.
She never leads me to bed, seduces me or romances me. She complains I'm too heavy for sex with her, but she will bitch when I know, without a doubt, that I am being lighter than a skinny dude, and besides, even small and skinny could be forceful. I have slept with skinny chicks, fat chicks, big and small, and have done so when I was heavy and when I was more toned, and if you are in shape and full of desire none of that shit matters. You can't stay on a couch or in bed half of every day and be in any kind of decent shape. Any woman Judy's size could lay a man down and ride him, facing front or back, and work that dick til she makes the man underneath her turn to Jell-O. Why can't she? Why has she never, and she pretends that she was so much more active and in tune with me at one time, but the ONLY sunrise this bitch has ever shared with me was when I was taking her to the hospital because she ran out of pills, for like the 100th time. Man, that really motivates me to want to give it my all!
She says I bad mouth her to everyone, but just last night I was talking to Carmello and Sarah was in the back seat as we were going to work, and I said to him that Judy was trying to do better and complementing her, and Carmello kept saying "no comment", like if he said anything about what he thought of Judy it would be critical. He has known me and her long enough that anything I said to him wouldn't change his opinion about Judy, because he knows her and her side as well. He think when I worked up at Uncle Charlies and Judy would call and call wanting something he'd say like "Why can't she do that for herself?" And has see how hard I work and got upset with me because I was doing things that Judy should have been doing, and I didn't even say a word. he likes Judy, but thinks she is lazy and needs to get off her ass and motivate.
But Judy thinks I bad mouth her all the time, but usually I might just talk to people about my life and how I feel about things. if that sometimes is negative, oh well......
PHONE CALL! I just talked to Betty LeRoy, a client and friend, and I have work for her to do this week. I just asked her to be honest with me if I ever put my wife down and badmouthed her or if I would talk about my life and complain, usually that she was fucking up on her pills or just being lazy, and I am right, because Betty is really honest with me. I asked her if I ever tell her how much I love my wife and just want to see her fix herself, and she said "all the time". Judy assumes way too much, because anyone who is fucking up and in denial about problems will take anything as critical and blow it all out of purportion.
I wouldn't be talking to anyone about my problems if I didn't have any, and I'm honest about things as i see it. I even discuss my own shortcomings with them, and my friends more than most open up to me about their problems, like Betty talking about her family, how she felt about losing her mom, and the way her marriage changed when her husband became a Jehovah's Witness. I have a wide range of friends, and most of my clients become friends. Barbra and Ray have heard often how much I love my wife and am sick of her being sick and we discuss ways to try to get her out of her depression and away from using pills for everything, and way too much detail into gastric problems, which Ray shares with Judy.
Sarah and I talked again, and we got a lot of work done. She will be a great partner in painting because, generally, women take their time and as a result make less of a mess and do better quality work. Sarah says she would feel guilty and feels guilty about having desire for me like I do for her, and in no way wants to hurt Judy, and I respect that, because I would never want to hurt my wife, but for me to feel what I feel and why I feel it, and know what I know about people and life, the best thing for all of us is to be together, and Judy is stupid if she thinks it's all about sex. It's about companionship, love, romance, intimacy, and family.
I wish I could complete my wife and she me, but Sarah completes things in Judy and Judy to Sarah in some ways I never could, and they have a friendship that is stronger and can grow into a life partnership that is so seldom and rare in life. To have someone closer than a sister, who you can trust with every little thing, who is always concerned about you, and cares, that is a gift, and we each are weaker by ourselves, but can give each other parts of ourselves that make us each stronger, and I see my love and marriage to Judy being stronger and better with Sarah there, because the flowing of things between us each will do nothing but make us better, happier, more fulfilled people.
That is part of why I talk about my problems to some friends, because I am frustrated and need someone to talk to, and don't want to burden my mother. Sarah is good for both of us for that and we are good for her. We all have our problems, and we all need to be bound in a relationship where we share what is best in us with each other. For years Judy and I have needed something more to make things work better between us, and Sarah is it, and Sarah for years has needed a friend she can trust to always be looking out for what is best for her and a man who gives her what she deserves, and Judy and I are that.
If and when my wife ever realizes just how much I love her, and that what I feel is out of love for her, then we might reach a level so few people ever get to. I can't help who and how I am, I just know what will make me better, and at my best I can give more than I have been able to. I need to give that level, and the way it has been for so long has kept me sad and down, and I can't live that way any more. Life is too short for aiming low.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
I am at odds, one part of me has so much love and want of and for Judy, and the other part has me needing to be me and is resentful at being shortchanged for so long. I hope with all my heart I can fix things and Judy can as well. We need to be together, but just have to learn to accept each other for exactly who we are and be thankful for what we do have. if that means our choices sometimes piss each other off, well we'll just have to find a way to deal and be happy for what we do have.
Well, I let Judy read this journal, although I always meant to keep these things private. In the long end of the day, if I can't be naked to my soul with my wife then why be married to her. She still has misconceptions even after reading this I think, because I think she hears what she wants to. She is using it as yet another excuse to deny the sexual side of our relationship. Sarah still needs to read it. Maybe then she'll come clean with Judy about what she is open to and how she feels. She's afraid of hurting maybe the best friendship she's ever had with anyone, and none of anything has to hurt any of us if we cherish the power of love here. Judy I think is a little resentful that I love her, and I have been attracted to one of her friends in the past, Barbra. But Barbra was so much of the Jersey girl type and was also the kind of girl I would have hooked up with, and maybe that's just part of my nature, not to restrict a strong friendship when thoughts of sex and romance come up.
We all have those thoughts, and I feel that if you have them there's a validity to those feelings and damage when you deny them all the time. Judy also equates Jay there, but Jay started out of physical need and opportunity. At the time it happened, Jay attacked me and Judy hadn't touched me in three months. Just how much denial does she think she can subject a man to? I know I was wrong, and wrong when I did it, but I was so selfless for so long and resentful that I did something stupid.
So I can agree that I was wrong for taking Jay up on the offers of sex, and we had already started when Judy started offering a quarter hour of missionary only every once in a while. What she fails to realize is that I need more than just a quick fuck. It helps, but I need way more. Jay was a mistake, one I regret, but when a starving man finds food he eats.
On the long end, I need passionate love making, and have it last hours, not to end it after I cum inside her. I like second helpings, and to wake up to it. I like being seduced, and shown that I'm wanted. Judy does none of this, and yet has the nerve to get mad that something she knows any man needs she can deny then claim rights to. Even at her best she is not as erotic and passionate as I need. A woman should release herself to her man, suck his dick like an ice pop on a summer day, ride him like a jockey on a race horse, and swallow him with her pussy and clamp him down with it until she knows she's gotten her nut and made him Jell-O.
Am I wrong in this? Does she think she ever lets go with that kind of passion. I don't want an awkward act once a year, I want to fall asleep entwined and drenched and wake up to an hour of soft strokes and more. Either she has forgotten how, doesn't care to, or just doesn't have it in her, and for her to demand I have sex with no one else when she refuses and/or is unable to give me what I need takes a lot of nerve and arrogance. I didn't intend to fall in love with Sarah, and I know she loves me, and how our relationships are with our spouses we both would do well to share what we are missing with each other. in the same way, if Judy is too resentful and full of baggage to release herself into what I need or it has to be an act, then she maybe needs to find a playmate to share that and get that groove back. I love her, and I'd be happy if she came home with a smirk from having had a night of passion. If anything, that would help us both.
And if she really can't give that up the way I need it and there is someone we both love who wants to and can, then she should encourage it, just to make sure I have what I need, because if you love someone, and not just see them as something to own, then you are unselfish in everything and give them everything they need to be happy, even if that means for a moment or two you aren't the center of their world.
If I am to be regulated to sex once every two months, and then only a half hour at most, and then just to have the same position and be forced to be done when she gets her nut, then shoot me, because that is so selfish on her part and so much of a starvation on mine. Lovemaking heals the body, mind, and soul. it connects and bonds you, and builds good between those who share it. If I wanted just sex I could go get that anywhere, but I want passionate lovemaking, moreover NEED it to make me whole. She has made me squander some of my best years up at night sexually and romantically frustrated, and then she wonders why I am resentful and looks outside of our relationship. Denial of physical needs is grounds for divorce, so she is lucky I stay. Few men would put up with her mouth, her sloth and depression, her sharp tongue, her waste of herself to pills and her attitude. She takes me for granted and is often spoiled. She doesn't see it, refuses to take a critical view of herself. She'd buy smokes before milk, and when she fucks up over pills, use every mental trick to justify it, when in the long end of the day she has had a junkie mentality as long as I've known her.
That may seem harsh, but the truth can often be. I am not perfect by any means, but most of the problems have been tied to her root problems, and now she says she wants the happy go lucky Skot back, but she fails to see that she chased him away. He surfaces usually when he's away from her, because of her critical mouth, and how it kills part of my soul every time I am attacked or denied or taken for granted.
If she wants a love like no other she needs to surrender to it, and this bitch surrenders to nothing. Love demands you flow with it, not try to direct it or demand it do what you want.
Judy has so much beauty inside her, but that does no good if I sleep alone at night, have to wait or beg for sex, when what I need is to be is quashed at every turn, and the same stupid "need to talk" shit is used over and over to pick love apart until it is nothing but pieces, and not a coherent thing. I want the flower, not a collection or torn petals.
I'm not willing to throw away years of life and love just because she is sick in so many ways. Her depression and pill abuse had changed her is so many bad ways, like my weight, which at this level is from the depression I have from being subjected to depression and denial. She doesn't see how hard she has made my life. In the end a lot of it is my fault for subjecting myself to so much of it, but what I have lost being with her she can't put back, so if someone else can, that can replenish me and make me more able to give the things that make up me than right now I just don't have the will to.
Why would I write poetry or bring flowers or make breakfast in bed for someone who keeps me out of their bed or steals the should from my lips? Judy needs a measure of humility, and while she is right about us having to work on us before a house with two sister wives, she fails to see that Sarah and I being that much closer would make both of us more able to function, which would make her life a little easier as well. If I am happy and motivated, I can do more for longer, and fight off the pains and sadness that overwhelms me sometimes, and makes me grumpy and short-tempered. If she had it, or has it in her to do to and with me what I need, then she'd be able to bring that out in me as well, but when I make the effort and it always seems to go nowhere, why bother?
Sarah has been depressed, and Judy is right about her and isn't saying anything I don't already know about her using pills as a crutch. Well, if my little alternative view was more of a reality how much would any of need to escape to find just a moment of happiness instead of something to dull out the pains and depressions of life? Judy and Sarah as well, if Judy had it in her, would benefit from taking advantage of a little bit of time alone together, and I'm not talking about a private lesbian act, but soothing physical affection between friends. I really think there is a natural healing power to physical contact, even things like massage, that we deny ourselves in our modern, isolated lives that heals so much.
So she reads my journal then closes her legs, like that will do anything to help or motivate me to want to be close to her or work with or for her. That is just stupid and selfish and the kind of bitterness I mean.
My head isn't pounding anymore, but still a little congested. I was so tired I didn't know I was sick. I work that hard and have an empty bed.... I need counseling alright, because that is insane in itself. I miss me being who I was more than anyone. I am sick of having to be reactive to so much going wrong. I am sick of cleaning and fixing the same things over and over to have everything get dirty and undone and taken for granted. There has been some better effort lately around here, but it is shallow and still not enough to show me anyone other than me really wants a better life. I refuse to be a martyr anymore.
I refuse to sleep alone, and let my poetry and songs die, or my sense of joy and wonder. I could be happier in jail than I am here at times, and it really isn't my fault. I just need something for me and if I don't get what I need it will just keep destroying my best qualities, and I can't let that happen any more.
Well, I let Judy read this journal, although I always meant to keep these things private. In the long end of the day, if I can't be naked to my soul with my wife then why be married to her. She still has misconceptions even after reading this I think, because I think she hears what she wants to. She is using it as yet another excuse to deny the sexual side of our relationship. Sarah still needs to read it. Maybe then she'll come clean with Judy about what she is open to and how she feels. She's afraid of hurting maybe the best friendship she's ever had with anyone, and none of anything has to hurt any of us if we cherish the power of love here. Judy I think is a little resentful that I love her, and I have been attracted to one of her friends in the past, Barbra. But Barbra was so much of the Jersey girl type and was also the kind of girl I would have hooked up with, and maybe that's just part of my nature, not to restrict a strong friendship when thoughts of sex and romance come up.
We all have those thoughts, and I feel that if you have them there's a validity to those feelings and damage when you deny them all the time. Judy also equates Jay there, but Jay started out of physical need and opportunity. At the time it happened, Jay attacked me and Judy hadn't touched me in three months. Just how much denial does she think she can subject a man to? I know I was wrong, and wrong when I did it, but I was so selfless for so long and resentful that I did something stupid.
So I can agree that I was wrong for taking Jay up on the offers of sex, and we had already started when Judy started offering a quarter hour of missionary only every once in a while. What she fails to realize is that I need more than just a quick fuck. It helps, but I need way more. Jay was a mistake, one I regret, but when a starving man finds food he eats.
On the long end, I need passionate love making, and have it last hours, not to end it after I cum inside her. I like second helpings, and to wake up to it. I like being seduced, and shown that I'm wanted. Judy does none of this, and yet has the nerve to get mad that something she knows any man needs she can deny then claim rights to. Even at her best she is not as erotic and passionate as I need. A woman should release herself to her man, suck his dick like an ice pop on a summer day, ride him like a jockey on a race horse, and swallow him with her pussy and clamp him down with it until she knows she's gotten her nut and made him Jell-O.
Am I wrong in this? Does she think she ever lets go with that kind of passion. I don't want an awkward act once a year, I want to fall asleep entwined and drenched and wake up to an hour of soft strokes and more. Either she has forgotten how, doesn't care to, or just doesn't have it in her, and for her to demand I have sex with no one else when she refuses and/or is unable to give me what I need takes a lot of nerve and arrogance. I didn't intend to fall in love with Sarah, and I know she loves me, and how our relationships are with our spouses we both would do well to share what we are missing with each other. in the same way, if Judy is too resentful and full of baggage to release herself into what I need or it has to be an act, then she maybe needs to find a playmate to share that and get that groove back. I love her, and I'd be happy if she came home with a smirk from having had a night of passion. If anything, that would help us both.
And if she really can't give that up the way I need it and there is someone we both love who wants to and can, then she should encourage it, just to make sure I have what I need, because if you love someone, and not just see them as something to own, then you are unselfish in everything and give them everything they need to be happy, even if that means for a moment or two you aren't the center of their world.
If I am to be regulated to sex once every two months, and then only a half hour at most, and then just to have the same position and be forced to be done when she gets her nut, then shoot me, because that is so selfish on her part and so much of a starvation on mine. Lovemaking heals the body, mind, and soul. it connects and bonds you, and builds good between those who share it. If I wanted just sex I could go get that anywhere, but I want passionate lovemaking, moreover NEED it to make me whole. She has made me squander some of my best years up at night sexually and romantically frustrated, and then she wonders why I am resentful and looks outside of our relationship. Denial of physical needs is grounds for divorce, so she is lucky I stay. Few men would put up with her mouth, her sloth and depression, her sharp tongue, her waste of herself to pills and her attitude. She takes me for granted and is often spoiled. She doesn't see it, refuses to take a critical view of herself. She'd buy smokes before milk, and when she fucks up over pills, use every mental trick to justify it, when in the long end of the day she has had a junkie mentality as long as I've known her.
That may seem harsh, but the truth can often be. I am not perfect by any means, but most of the problems have been tied to her root problems, and now she says she wants the happy go lucky Skot back, but she fails to see that she chased him away. He surfaces usually when he's away from her, because of her critical mouth, and how it kills part of my soul every time I am attacked or denied or taken for granted.
If she wants a love like no other she needs to surrender to it, and this bitch surrenders to nothing. Love demands you flow with it, not try to direct it or demand it do what you want.
Judy has so much beauty inside her, but that does no good if I sleep alone at night, have to wait or beg for sex, when what I need is to be is quashed at every turn, and the same stupid "need to talk" shit is used over and over to pick love apart until it is nothing but pieces, and not a coherent thing. I want the flower, not a collection or torn petals.
I'm not willing to throw away years of life and love just because she is sick in so many ways. Her depression and pill abuse had changed her is so many bad ways, like my weight, which at this level is from the depression I have from being subjected to depression and denial. She doesn't see how hard she has made my life. In the end a lot of it is my fault for subjecting myself to so much of it, but what I have lost being with her she can't put back, so if someone else can, that can replenish me and make me more able to give the things that make up me than right now I just don't have the will to.
Why would I write poetry or bring flowers or make breakfast in bed for someone who keeps me out of their bed or steals the should from my lips? Judy needs a measure of humility, and while she is right about us having to work on us before a house with two sister wives, she fails to see that Sarah and I being that much closer would make both of us more able to function, which would make her life a little easier as well. If I am happy and motivated, I can do more for longer, and fight off the pains and sadness that overwhelms me sometimes, and makes me grumpy and short-tempered. If she had it, or has it in her to do to and with me what I need, then she'd be able to bring that out in me as well, but when I make the effort and it always seems to go nowhere, why bother?
Sarah has been depressed, and Judy is right about her and isn't saying anything I don't already know about her using pills as a crutch. Well, if my little alternative view was more of a reality how much would any of need to escape to find just a moment of happiness instead of something to dull out the pains and depressions of life? Judy and Sarah as well, if Judy had it in her, would benefit from taking advantage of a little bit of time alone together, and I'm not talking about a private lesbian act, but soothing physical affection between friends. I really think there is a natural healing power to physical contact, even things like massage, that we deny ourselves in our modern, isolated lives that heals so much.
So she reads my journal then closes her legs, like that will do anything to help or motivate me to want to be close to her or work with or for her. That is just stupid and selfish and the kind of bitterness I mean.
My head isn't pounding anymore, but still a little congested. I was so tired I didn't know I was sick. I work that hard and have an empty bed.... I need counseling alright, because that is insane in itself. I miss me being who I was more than anyone. I am sick of having to be reactive to so much going wrong. I am sick of cleaning and fixing the same things over and over to have everything get dirty and undone and taken for granted. There has been some better effort lately around here, but it is shallow and still not enough to show me anyone other than me really wants a better life. I refuse to be a martyr anymore.
I refuse to sleep alone, and let my poetry and songs die, or my sense of joy and wonder. I could be happier in jail than I am here at times, and it really isn't my fault. I just need something for me and if I don't get what I need it will just keep destroying my best qualities, and I can't let that happen any more.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
It's not about who I love more or why....
All of my thoughts about all of this are more out in the open, and it's down to a discussion now.
Sarah and I were talking, and she said Judy would feel maybe jealous, thinking "who does he like more?" and "why does he need her?". I can appreciate that, and it isn't as if one is better than the other, it's that they complement each other. It's like a lasagna, and what cheese is best. It's the mix of the two that makes the dish.
I see my love the same way. There are things about Judy and Sarah that are so much the same that I can't help but love them both. I remain devoted to Judy, and many other men would never have stuck it out, slept alone for years, and put up with the pills and the depression. It takes so much out of me, but I am always renewed by hope. What Judy fails to see that the love someone is able to give comes directly from the whole person, and the love they share, build and experience. If that love was allowed to flourish unrestricted, I could give more of myself from a more complete "me", and she would benefit from it, and Sarah as well, because she has that attraction and wouldn't mind expanding the parameters of our relationship, and I don't want any of me in the dark any more. I want what I feel expressed and lived. I want to take the love I get from Judy to grow and reside in a fulfilled "me", and the love I'd get from Sarah to be allowed to grow, making more love inside of me to share with Judy. Sex is a small aspect of that, it is the tenderness and warmth and sense of belonging that I want, and I want that with Judy as well. If I am happier, I will be more motivated and have more strength and ability to deal with the things that complicate our lives.
And Judy doesn't realize that the only thing holding Sarah back mostly is that she doesn't want to hurt her or their friendship, because she loves her, loves us both.
Further than that, and another big part of things are her kids. Judy and I both would love to be second parents to them. Judy really was meant to have girls and Sarah won't ever have a son, and they both honestly function and deal with things better together than they ever will apart.
Judy think Sarah doesn't want me or to be with me romantically, but she does and feels guilty about what it might do to their relationship.
And it wouldn't be a betrayal of anyone or anything. Being honest about what you feel is the purest form of loyalty. The power of the love inside of me, and the wealth of love, would be stronger if we stood on three legs instead of two. I could have an ally, and Judy as well, that will bring good things to all of us. We all want to be our best, and good energy compounds itself. The more of it you have, the better it is. There would have to be rules to it all, but I'm not talking so much about an open marriage as I am an expanded one. Sarah complements us both, and we are a great asset to Sarah and her kids, and that's love working there, love that needs to be shared and expressed and lived.
And I do love Judy, and want to make my life with her one of passion and richness, and it really shouldn't be defined by limitations. If Judy loves me then she'll want me to be happy even at self-sacrifice, and it isn't even a sacrifice that I asking. If she loved me then making me happy is a priority, and if that means sharing a small part of me to make a better "me", then she wins out in the end. She didn't marry a dick as a contract to own it, she married a heart and mind to share life with, whatever may come, and that demand for ownership is repressive and destructive, as is any jealousy. If you love something, you let it come to you on its own terms and accept even the things you don't like just to be able to share the things you do.
Besides, I don't mind having another woman I love ride my ass if I fuck up or motivate me, and Sarah is so concerned about Judy that her love and attraction with and for me is something that should be more of a gift and asset. If it was only sex I wanted I could get that anywhere.
I want my wife back, the woman she was when she was pregnant and breast-feeding, and it's not like the sexual side of what I wanted and who I was was ever a secret to her. She married me knowing what I was like and how I felt. Did she ignore that? Is she resentful that she couldn't change me?
If we all love each other, and if there is a desire to be intimate with each other, and there is, then we should all be happy enough that in life we have found something good and loving to share, and not see things with a selfish or repressive eye.
And if I don't share these feelings, including the feelings for Sarah, and even the ones that Sarah has for me, with Judy, then I do betray her and what it means to love? And what does it matter if there is kissing and sex and hugs, when those are simply natural expressions of what we feel? If I give my best, and we all do, and we don't allow our selfish and shallow fears and resentments to destroy it, our life together as friends and companions could be beautiful, and enriching, and all it takes is some real honesty and honesty to ourselves.
If Judy needed a love affair with someone to find that, to be a better person for it and happier, I'd want her to have it and work for it. She just isn't at that level of "give" for love, maybe never will be.
But I've been denied too much for too long for no good reason, and I'm sad I lost so much, but there's still time to fix things and make happy.
Sarah and I were talking, and she said Judy would feel maybe jealous, thinking "who does he like more?" and "why does he need her?". I can appreciate that, and it isn't as if one is better than the other, it's that they complement each other. It's like a lasagna, and what cheese is best. It's the mix of the two that makes the dish.
I see my love the same way. There are things about Judy and Sarah that are so much the same that I can't help but love them both. I remain devoted to Judy, and many other men would never have stuck it out, slept alone for years, and put up with the pills and the depression. It takes so much out of me, but I am always renewed by hope. What Judy fails to see that the love someone is able to give comes directly from the whole person, and the love they share, build and experience. If that love was allowed to flourish unrestricted, I could give more of myself from a more complete "me", and she would benefit from it, and Sarah as well, because she has that attraction and wouldn't mind expanding the parameters of our relationship, and I don't want any of me in the dark any more. I want what I feel expressed and lived. I want to take the love I get from Judy to grow and reside in a fulfilled "me", and the love I'd get from Sarah to be allowed to grow, making more love inside of me to share with Judy. Sex is a small aspect of that, it is the tenderness and warmth and sense of belonging that I want, and I want that with Judy as well. If I am happier, I will be more motivated and have more strength and ability to deal with the things that complicate our lives.
And Judy doesn't realize that the only thing holding Sarah back mostly is that she doesn't want to hurt her or their friendship, because she loves her, loves us both.
Further than that, and another big part of things are her kids. Judy and I both would love to be second parents to them. Judy really was meant to have girls and Sarah won't ever have a son, and they both honestly function and deal with things better together than they ever will apart.
Judy think Sarah doesn't want me or to be with me romantically, but she does and feels guilty about what it might do to their relationship.
And it wouldn't be a betrayal of anyone or anything. Being honest about what you feel is the purest form of loyalty. The power of the love inside of me, and the wealth of love, would be stronger if we stood on three legs instead of two. I could have an ally, and Judy as well, that will bring good things to all of us. We all want to be our best, and good energy compounds itself. The more of it you have, the better it is. There would have to be rules to it all, but I'm not talking so much about an open marriage as I am an expanded one. Sarah complements us both, and we are a great asset to Sarah and her kids, and that's love working there, love that needs to be shared and expressed and lived.
And I do love Judy, and want to make my life with her one of passion and richness, and it really shouldn't be defined by limitations. If Judy loves me then she'll want me to be happy even at self-sacrifice, and it isn't even a sacrifice that I asking. If she loved me then making me happy is a priority, and if that means sharing a small part of me to make a better "me", then she wins out in the end. She didn't marry a dick as a contract to own it, she married a heart and mind to share life with, whatever may come, and that demand for ownership is repressive and destructive, as is any jealousy. If you love something, you let it come to you on its own terms and accept even the things you don't like just to be able to share the things you do.
Besides, I don't mind having another woman I love ride my ass if I fuck up or motivate me, and Sarah is so concerned about Judy that her love and attraction with and for me is something that should be more of a gift and asset. If it was only sex I wanted I could get that anywhere.
I want my wife back, the woman she was when she was pregnant and breast-feeding, and it's not like the sexual side of what I wanted and who I was was ever a secret to her. She married me knowing what I was like and how I felt. Did she ignore that? Is she resentful that she couldn't change me?
If we all love each other, and if there is a desire to be intimate with each other, and there is, then we should all be happy enough that in life we have found something good and loving to share, and not see things with a selfish or repressive eye.
And if I don't share these feelings, including the feelings for Sarah, and even the ones that Sarah has for me, with Judy, then I do betray her and what it means to love? And what does it matter if there is kissing and sex and hugs, when those are simply natural expressions of what we feel? If I give my best, and we all do, and we don't allow our selfish and shallow fears and resentments to destroy it, our life together as friends and companions could be beautiful, and enriching, and all it takes is some real honesty and honesty to ourselves.
If Judy needed a love affair with someone to find that, to be a better person for it and happier, I'd want her to have it and work for it. She just isn't at that level of "give" for love, maybe never will be.
But I've been denied too much for too long for no good reason, and I'm sad I lost so much, but there's still time to fix things and make happy.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Took Sarah with me to work tonight. She's a really good worker. We talked a lot> She wants to join Judy and I in bed, but doesn't want to hurt Judy or their friendship, but if she feels that way then she should just come out and say it. Everyone keeps to much held back. I think I love Sarah because I love Judy, if that makes any sense. They are mirrors to each other. I took a bath there and it would have been nice to be with her, but I also miss Judy and want her to be in that tub with me just as much.. if she could just drop everything and let that run on autopilot it would fix a lot, but Judy ties everything into it, and the bedroom needs to be exempt from everything.
Sarah said she be with me if Judy said okay, or be with both of us. I want to have them both because I love them both. I love my wife to no end, but I know that Sarah loves us both, and I think a triangle is more stable than two legs at times.
Judy says she wants this ownership thing in marriage and doesn't want to share her marriage bed, but that to me is selfish, and if she loves me would want me to be happy and happy for me, as I would be for her if the roles were reversed.
besides, they love each other as friends and I don't see why they can't have a relationship that gets physical at times, because that physical sharing is tender and loving and the highest expression of love anyway.
Judy says I have to work on us, but I do, and I stick things out even when and how so much is not working well, and if she can't see that devotion she's blind. I know she's sick and depressed, but if we all work as partners, helping and fixing each other, there would be so much love and joy flowing it would be absolutly beautiful.
The real betrayal is in not letting love be expressed to the extent it can be, and Judy would find real happiness if she would just relent and let things just flow as they should. If you love someone that completely, you want the happiness of the "other" more than yoursel, even at personal costs, because when you are more concerned about the "other" and they are about you, then everything comes along as easy as taking a breath.
We also spoke about Chris, and she's afraid of the problems there might be from him, and she blindly has hope he will change, but he never will, and I don't think she'll ever leave him for many stupid reasons. He will always squander his chances and having such beautiful girls, and judy is so great with them and I wish she could wake up to them as the daughters she'll never have, because in so many ways they are.
I think if I do get a farm Sarah just might come with us, and I want my wife back how she was, but she is always so sick, and much of that is depression and smoking and pills, and a new life with all of us looking out for each other would give us all, kids included, the best chance for a happy life. I see Sarah as a good fit for that, but deep down just don't see her staying in our life. She's devoted to her asshole, much due to her low self-esteem, and has a sneaky thief side as well I don't trust.
In my thoughtful minds eye I see them both on a farm under one roof. But that doesn't "feel" like it will happen, and I'd have some reservations. I will make a move, maybe in 2010. But the two of them together? Besides the benefits, what about the negative maybes.... Left to their habits and not having veto control, no way would I even want her to come with us, anywhere.
Could you picture Judy and Sarah with access to pills and money?
Damn messy house, too much dollar store crap, and junkie zombies who run to the er twice a month..... no way!
I'd have to control that, and I'd rather and want more for Judy to just get well and fix herself.
I have been painting without much sleep, and right now I should have my wife's juices filling my senses as we lay naked with each other exhausted from lovemaking, but again I sleep alone, in pain from working without rest....
Maybe Judy will see the light of reason and the truth that have evolved, that was unexpected but would be welcome.
I never set out to love two women at once, and wish I could change how I feel and think to accept one woman as always enough, but I don't like the restriction on life and love, and if the three of us let pasion flow to each other without limits, we would each be so much stronger and happier, even Judy, who just doesn't see it.
You take your lover, you elict from them their passion, and all my efforts get rejected.
there isn't anything else to discuss. It is way past the time for us three to make one big happy family and give our kids a life worthy of them.
Sarah said she be with me if Judy said okay, or be with both of us. I want to have them both because I love them both. I love my wife to no end, but I know that Sarah loves us both, and I think a triangle is more stable than two legs at times.
Judy says she wants this ownership thing in marriage and doesn't want to share her marriage bed, but that to me is selfish, and if she loves me would want me to be happy and happy for me, as I would be for her if the roles were reversed.
besides, they love each other as friends and I don't see why they can't have a relationship that gets physical at times, because that physical sharing is tender and loving and the highest expression of love anyway.
Judy says I have to work on us, but I do, and I stick things out even when and how so much is not working well, and if she can't see that devotion she's blind. I know she's sick and depressed, but if we all work as partners, helping and fixing each other, there would be so much love and joy flowing it would be absolutly beautiful.
The real betrayal is in not letting love be expressed to the extent it can be, and Judy would find real happiness if she would just relent and let things just flow as they should. If you love someone that completely, you want the happiness of the "other" more than yoursel, even at personal costs, because when you are more concerned about the "other" and they are about you, then everything comes along as easy as taking a breath.
We also spoke about Chris, and she's afraid of the problems there might be from him, and she blindly has hope he will change, but he never will, and I don't think she'll ever leave him for many stupid reasons. He will always squander his chances and having such beautiful girls, and judy is so great with them and I wish she could wake up to them as the daughters she'll never have, because in so many ways they are.
I think if I do get a farm Sarah just might come with us, and I want my wife back how she was, but she is always so sick, and much of that is depression and smoking and pills, and a new life with all of us looking out for each other would give us all, kids included, the best chance for a happy life. I see Sarah as a good fit for that, but deep down just don't see her staying in our life. She's devoted to her asshole, much due to her low self-esteem, and has a sneaky thief side as well I don't trust.
In my thoughtful minds eye I see them both on a farm under one roof. But that doesn't "feel" like it will happen, and I'd have some reservations. I will make a move, maybe in 2010. But the two of them together? Besides the benefits, what about the negative maybes.... Left to their habits and not having veto control, no way would I even want her to come with us, anywhere.
Could you picture Judy and Sarah with access to pills and money?
Damn messy house, too much dollar store crap, and junkie zombies who run to the er twice a month..... no way!
I'd have to control that, and I'd rather and want more for Judy to just get well and fix herself.
I have been painting without much sleep, and right now I should have my wife's juices filling my senses as we lay naked with each other exhausted from lovemaking, but again I sleep alone, in pain from working without rest....
Maybe Judy will see the light of reason and the truth that have evolved, that was unexpected but would be welcome.
I never set out to love two women at once, and wish I could change how I feel and think to accept one woman as always enough, but I don't like the restriction on life and love, and if the three of us let pasion flow to each other without limits, we would each be so much stronger and happier, even Judy, who just doesn't see it.
You take your lover, you elict from them their passion, and all my efforts get rejected.
there isn't anything else to discuss. It is way past the time for us three to make one big happy family and give our kids a life worthy of them.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Well, Dan Houston talked to WalMart Corporate and told them I said I'd take 15, and I told him the type of Complaint started at 15, and I had that much in work lost alone, so they are offering to make all the changes stipulated in the settlement, including settlement with Alex...he gets a game system, and I asked the attorney to counter offer 25... so if they don't I;ll take that and still sue Econosweep... and John Winkler, the attorney i know who ran for Court Clerk, will represent me on that, so we'll see how it all shakes out, but I need cash now, so will take it anyway if hey don't bend. That's still a move if I work at it and we sell the house.
Then there's what I want with a move. I have a fair chance of getting a 30K a year job in Fernandina, and that is close enough that Sarah would be more likely to just come along, but I want the Carolina farm, oh, and I want Judy and and Sarah together as well, and not sexually, but living as partners sharing kids and chores and life, because I really think they fix each other and balance each other out. The both just need out of Jacksonville.
I know I'm heavier and older than what is normal, and if I was me at 35 they'd be more attracted to me, but I intend to have enough lifestyle changes to lose most of this weight, and the lifestyle I intend to live would blow them away, because I don't know if they know just how much I love them both, and Judy, she needs to get a grip on her bitch within and make it vanish or I'll vanish from her. She needs to leave arguments out of the bedroom and find things to be happy about and deal with proactive healing instead of blaming and sulking. Nothing else needs to be discussed, we just have to be happy we both have someone who can stand the other, which is the best thing anyone can hope for in life.
I think Srarh sees past age and weight and hairline, and Judy should as well. Judy says she hates me being heavy, but hell, I don't go out dancing anymore, and she never was big on dancing with me like me. Sarah might, but she's never gone to clubs and had kids so early she missed most of that. Amanda would, but she's way too young, almost (hehehe), Seriously, she's got the dance to alternative "tastes" side of me, because I'd love a woman who, if she heard the Cure or New Order or Lloyd Cole would have to dance, almost like there's not a choice.
That's just one aspect of style things I'm talking about. It's like being a racehorse and never being let on the track. Not having someone who wants to dance until we sweat so much it looks like we just fell in a pool is lonely and depressing, because for so long it was one of my favorite things to do, something I just loved that kept me healthy and fit.... Christ, I took dance in college I loved it so much.
I'm a great guy as far as guys go, and Judy takes so much of it all for granted. I don't intend to spend my life with a banshee. The way I see it I have still a lot to give, and can't with her the way she is, but if I can make an environment like I see it anyone of them would be a fool to pass it up. I'm way different than most guys, always have been, and Judy was a mistake sometimes, and a blessing others, but in life you make the best of your choices. I have 25-35 active years left or more and I intend to get my fire back....
I'll just have to see how it shakes out, but at least I can finally get my groove back a little. Money will fix most of my problems. Love will fix the rest.
Then there's what I want with a move. I have a fair chance of getting a 30K a year job in Fernandina, and that is close enough that Sarah would be more likely to just come along, but I want the Carolina farm, oh, and I want Judy and and Sarah together as well, and not sexually, but living as partners sharing kids and chores and life, because I really think they fix each other and balance each other out. The both just need out of Jacksonville.
I know I'm heavier and older than what is normal, and if I was me at 35 they'd be more attracted to me, but I intend to have enough lifestyle changes to lose most of this weight, and the lifestyle I intend to live would blow them away, because I don't know if they know just how much I love them both, and Judy, she needs to get a grip on her bitch within and make it vanish or I'll vanish from her. She needs to leave arguments out of the bedroom and find things to be happy about and deal with proactive healing instead of blaming and sulking. Nothing else needs to be discussed, we just have to be happy we both have someone who can stand the other, which is the best thing anyone can hope for in life.
I think Srarh sees past age and weight and hairline, and Judy should as well. Judy says she hates me being heavy, but hell, I don't go out dancing anymore, and she never was big on dancing with me like me. Sarah might, but she's never gone to clubs and had kids so early she missed most of that. Amanda would, but she's way too young, almost (hehehe), Seriously, she's got the dance to alternative "tastes" side of me, because I'd love a woman who, if she heard the Cure or New Order or Lloyd Cole would have to dance, almost like there's not a choice.
That's just one aspect of style things I'm talking about. It's like being a racehorse and never being let on the track. Not having someone who wants to dance until we sweat so much it looks like we just fell in a pool is lonely and depressing, because for so long it was one of my favorite things to do, something I just loved that kept me healthy and fit.... Christ, I took dance in college I loved it so much.
I'm a great guy as far as guys go, and Judy takes so much of it all for granted. I don't intend to spend my life with a banshee. The way I see it I have still a lot to give, and can't with her the way she is, but if I can make an environment like I see it anyone of them would be a fool to pass it up. I'm way different than most guys, always have been, and Judy was a mistake sometimes, and a blessing others, but in life you make the best of your choices. I have 25-35 active years left or more and I intend to get my fire back....
I'll just have to see how it shakes out, but at least I can finally get my groove back a little. Money will fix most of my problems. Love will fix the rest.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Judy really can be a bitter old hag at times, and it's like she thrives on conflict, confrontation, and being an antagonist. That isn't me, I don't subscribe.
I need a woman who is easy-going, laid back and just wants to be loved and knows how to elicit love and warmth and reciprocates.
I think Judy needs time alone to learn how to appreciate me, because she takes me for granted and is mostly only kind when it serves or suits her.
I think you need to give that high level all the time, especially when you don't feel like it, because when you can give that effort, you get rewarded for it when you need it. She might do well for a few days at a time, but without it being more consistent it seems worthless. I hate seeing such talent wasted.
Hopefully WalMart will come through tomorrow with the settlement, because that will solve so many problems. But I intend to be a miser with that money, because it represents a whole new start. Cigarettes.... they will be gone, because I won't allow myself to be exposed to the stress that keeps me lighting up. I quit at New Years for a month, but that bitch, smoking in front of me while running her mouth....
It is my fault for smoking, but she is a factor that makes such control difficult.
And healthy foods, and lack of waste, and a return to recycling, and quiet...
sometimes nothing needs to be said and two people can communicate better in silence than any words would ever allow.
Sarah remains at a distance, and I think she understand my views on things, and I think with a move that she would be an asset and would greatly benefit in an extended tribe.
The only thing that holds any of us back is doubt and fear. This all isn't something I assume, it is something I know. And not just anyone can ever be free enough to just let life flow and love soar. I used to call it building Utopia. You don't find Utopia if you're looking for it, you make it by living it. When you relinquish the possession of a relationship you own the other person's heart more fully, because they in effect become an extension of you and you them. You complete each other, and you make a bond, and have real loyalty that isn't tied to dick and pussy and the false need for ownership of someone else. Judy doesn't grasp this, ecause she gets a preconception and holds fast to it, and if she could make that leap of faith she'd be able to be the wonderful happy person I see wanting so much to come out.
If you are ecstatic just to be in the company of someone you love and accept that gift, then you both get to enjoy what really matters the most.
I need a woman who is easy-going, laid back and just wants to be loved and knows how to elicit love and warmth and reciprocates.
I think Judy needs time alone to learn how to appreciate me, because she takes me for granted and is mostly only kind when it serves or suits her.
I think you need to give that high level all the time, especially when you don't feel like it, because when you can give that effort, you get rewarded for it when you need it. She might do well for a few days at a time, but without it being more consistent it seems worthless. I hate seeing such talent wasted.
Hopefully WalMart will come through tomorrow with the settlement, because that will solve so many problems. But I intend to be a miser with that money, because it represents a whole new start. Cigarettes.... they will be gone, because I won't allow myself to be exposed to the stress that keeps me lighting up. I quit at New Years for a month, but that bitch, smoking in front of me while running her mouth....
It is my fault for smoking, but she is a factor that makes such control difficult.
And healthy foods, and lack of waste, and a return to recycling, and quiet...
sometimes nothing needs to be said and two people can communicate better in silence than any words would ever allow.
Sarah remains at a distance, and I think she understand my views on things, and I think with a move that she would be an asset and would greatly benefit in an extended tribe.
The only thing that holds any of us back is doubt and fear. This all isn't something I assume, it is something I know. And not just anyone can ever be free enough to just let life flow and love soar. I used to call it building Utopia. You don't find Utopia if you're looking for it, you make it by living it. When you relinquish the possession of a relationship you own the other person's heart more fully, because they in effect become an extension of you and you them. You complete each other, and you make a bond, and have real loyalty that isn't tied to dick and pussy and the false need for ownership of someone else. Judy doesn't grasp this, ecause she gets a preconception and holds fast to it, and if she could make that leap of faith she'd be able to be the wonderful happy person I see wanting so much to come out.
If you are ecstatic just to be in the company of someone you love and accept that gift, then you both get to enjoy what really matters the most.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
It looks like WalMart will finally settle after years of middle of the night parking lot noise, for $35 K maybe (?)... which means the farm in Carolina is much closer to being a reality. Judy knows I want to move Sarah and her girls with us, and I'd also like to have Amanda there, and her baby as well. Either one or both, I could deal with it and deal well, as a great father figure and decent old man. I'd like that, but don't think they will go that high, maybe $25 K. I just need enough to kickstart getting a farm or place like it.
I want that, deserve it, and it would work well, because it fits. I can give what I have a wealth of to women who can appreciate it, and that is what matters most in life anyway. On the outside I'm maybe a little older and heavier than most guys out there, but so is my love and ability to provide a good life to and with these women.
I have at least another 25 good years before I'm "old", which means Sarah would be near 50 and Amanda near 45 before I am "on the decline", and knowing a few men like me, that may be even ten years longer. So they would be near my age when I'm getting "old". and with the life change I intend to have the smoking cigs stopped and lose much of this weight, because I'll be back to being active again.
I think maybe I think of other women sometimes is because I think, know, that if Judy doesn't make some real habit changes she might not be alive in ten years.... That scares the hell out of me, is so frustrating. To watch someone you love so much not only be sick but make themselves worse, and always have an excuse as to why they can't change.
Won't stop smoking because I am demand-ding it, because she rebellious...
that's just plain stupid, and I am too because I keep quitting then smoking... but the stress and as long as she smoke around me I can't resist... my weakness, and I admit it... I can't blame her that I choose to smoke, but it is impossible to stop when siomeone always has them around you and cheats on rules like smoking outside or getting compromises on buying them for her. No real effort to change.
So now it is a matter of getting the farm and for them to see that what I say makes better sense than anything else. What they might be surprised to learn is that if they want boy toys that it isn't a problem with me. I love them because I love them, and for them all to be happy makes me happy, and when they see that it is this that sets me apart and above so many other guys, their love will flow back to me. I want women companions, who can be friends with each other and so we all can add the missing pieces that are in each of our lives. We all bring something good to the table. I want these extra women companions sadly because Judy can't or won't to a degree, and because I also deserve it. If Judy gave me that, I'd reward her for loving me enough to understand that's what i want and for giving it to me.
That's the problem with coming from different worlds and living with someone with such different opinions and values in those areas.
We fit so well in some ways and so not at all in others.
Well, got to get Alex up for school, and start my day.
I want that, deserve it, and it would work well, because it fits. I can give what I have a wealth of to women who can appreciate it, and that is what matters most in life anyway. On the outside I'm maybe a little older and heavier than most guys out there, but so is my love and ability to provide a good life to and with these women.
I have at least another 25 good years before I'm "old", which means Sarah would be near 50 and Amanda near 45 before I am "on the decline", and knowing a few men like me, that may be even ten years longer. So they would be near my age when I'm getting "old". and with the life change I intend to have the smoking cigs stopped and lose much of this weight, because I'll be back to being active again.
I think maybe I think of other women sometimes is because I think, know, that if Judy doesn't make some real habit changes she might not be alive in ten years.... That scares the hell out of me, is so frustrating. To watch someone you love so much not only be sick but make themselves worse, and always have an excuse as to why they can't change.
Won't stop smoking because I am demand-ding it, because she rebellious...
that's just plain stupid, and I am too because I keep quitting then smoking... but the stress and as long as she smoke around me I can't resist... my weakness, and I admit it... I can't blame her that I choose to smoke, but it is impossible to stop when siomeone always has them around you and cheats on rules like smoking outside or getting compromises on buying them for her. No real effort to change.
So now it is a matter of getting the farm and for them to see that what I say makes better sense than anything else. What they might be surprised to learn is that if they want boy toys that it isn't a problem with me. I love them because I love them, and for them all to be happy makes me happy, and when they see that it is this that sets me apart and above so many other guys, their love will flow back to me. I want women companions, who can be friends with each other and so we all can add the missing pieces that are in each of our lives. We all bring something good to the table. I want these extra women companions sadly because Judy can't or won't to a degree, and because I also deserve it. If Judy gave me that, I'd reward her for loving me enough to understand that's what i want and for giving it to me.
That's the problem with coming from different worlds and living with someone with such different opinions and values in those areas.
We fit so well in some ways and so not at all in others.
Well, got to get Alex up for school, and start my day.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
A Unified Torn Heart
Well, we went through hell. A week without electric, running off a generator, and get a new car to only have it lose the tranny. We went from a 94 green Escort wagon with 250,000 miles and a bad automatic tranny with no high gear to a 97 white Escort wagon with 128,000 miles and a stick but no 5th gear, and the tranny went bad in it, and I can't afford to fix it, can't get to my jobs, and it's just the normal noises in here..........
But on the bright side, we have the green Escort back for short emergency runs, and there are a few good assets, and oh, yeah, right..... WalMart's attorney wants to meet with Monday to discuss possible terms for a settlement.....
but again on the crappy side, Judy has been sick for a week and was at Baptist all night, and needs to get admitted. She needs to deal with her digestive system once and for all. I didn't sign up for this, and could take her being sick so often if she was proactive in getting well and in taking care of Alex and I I'd be as supportive as I used to be. But I'm not carrying the load all alone anymore.
Sarah was sick, medicine issues, and Chris came over when she was near puking trying to rest here so she didn't have to deal with her house, and guess what? That's right, Chris was a dick again.
We've talked about it and I know she wants to have a relationship, and I think Chris and the kids need their dad and the false hope thing is a bigger no than any issues with Judy, and I think under the right everything Judy would find real benefits in the kind of relationship I want with the two of them. She lacks some of the self-confidence she needs and she always falls back on "I'm not taking the kids away from their dad". My question is is he really there now? All this states to me my view on the South is right, everywhere I look there are good girls repressed and messed up by all kinds of bullshit....
then there's Amanda, who just hit 18, and is beautiful pregnant. Josh, the sperm donor, is such a royal asshole, and she can't get past the blind love and unrealistic need crap to be happy. She needs anyone there, someone there, and is changing a lot dealing with being alone. She needs to see that he won't change. I'd like to be with her for no other reason than to show her how a man should love a woman, how she should be treated and cared for. Maybe it's the Knight in Tainted Armour
in me, riding on my old beat up gray Shire, out to rescue the fair maidens.... maybe that empathy for them makes me want to rescue them with love, and maybe it is that I feel so much love that it has to come out and be expressed or it builds up a tension that comes out as frustrated anger?
And the other thing is, with Judy the way she was, and Sarah and Amanda how they could be, the chance for just a moment of that Divine warmth of love and passion and romance and companionship is worth just about anything, and I think I'd be in ecstatic paradise if I could get them all on the same page with open, honest companionship and love and passion.
People really can compensate for the negative aspects of each other, and fix each other, inspire each other and support each other, and each make the other's life better. I think that is why families were more tribal in the past. It just worked best.
I believe I am more tribal, and maybe didn't get so brainwashed into the belief that you get bound and trapped with one person like it is a prison sentence.
I think the greed, jealousy, ownership aspects of relationships cause nothing but suffering and sadness, and that when, and if you are able to step beyond it, you can enter a fulfilled life.
And yeah, maybe I am a dog, a little. I can smell and sense when a woman is menstruating, and it drives me insane, like a snasausage to a dog... or coco-puffs to a sick looking bird. And I don't understand the repressive taboo against sex when blood is flowing, because it is a proven fact women get more out of sex and have a higher sex drive when they are.
besides, the taste is heaven to me. I never let the sheets get stained because I sucked up every drop when I had relationships that were as open and free as I talk about here in the past.
But maybe if WalMart cuts me a nice check I can make the move I want to, to a farm and start a miniature gold course, and have a woman on either side of me as I sleep. That may sound greedy, but with that I can give more of me and things would just run better, provided they enter into it with as free of a mind and open of a heart as I have always had.
Any of that is still far off, and this year feels like it will be one of many changes, and much drama.
But on the bright side, we have the green Escort back for short emergency runs, and there are a few good assets, and oh, yeah, right..... WalMart's attorney wants to meet with Monday to discuss possible terms for a settlement.....
but again on the crappy side, Judy has been sick for a week and was at Baptist all night, and needs to get admitted. She needs to deal with her digestive system once and for all. I didn't sign up for this, and could take her being sick so often if she was proactive in getting well and in taking care of Alex and I I'd be as supportive as I used to be. But I'm not carrying the load all alone anymore.
Sarah was sick, medicine issues, and Chris came over when she was near puking trying to rest here so she didn't have to deal with her house, and guess what? That's right, Chris was a dick again.
We've talked about it and I know she wants to have a relationship, and I think Chris and the kids need their dad and the false hope thing is a bigger no than any issues with Judy, and I think under the right everything Judy would find real benefits in the kind of relationship I want with the two of them. She lacks some of the self-confidence she needs and she always falls back on "I'm not taking the kids away from their dad". My question is is he really there now? All this states to me my view on the South is right, everywhere I look there are good girls repressed and messed up by all kinds of bullshit....
then there's Amanda, who just hit 18, and is beautiful pregnant. Josh, the sperm donor, is such a royal asshole, and she can't get past the blind love and unrealistic need crap to be happy. She needs anyone there, someone there, and is changing a lot dealing with being alone. She needs to see that he won't change. I'd like to be with her for no other reason than to show her how a man should love a woman, how she should be treated and cared for. Maybe it's the Knight in Tainted Armour
in me, riding on my old beat up gray Shire, out to rescue the fair maidens.... maybe that empathy for them makes me want to rescue them with love, and maybe it is that I feel so much love that it has to come out and be expressed or it builds up a tension that comes out as frustrated anger?
And the other thing is, with Judy the way she was, and Sarah and Amanda how they could be, the chance for just a moment of that Divine warmth of love and passion and romance and companionship is worth just about anything, and I think I'd be in ecstatic paradise if I could get them all on the same page with open, honest companionship and love and passion.
People really can compensate for the negative aspects of each other, and fix each other, inspire each other and support each other, and each make the other's life better. I think that is why families were more tribal in the past. It just worked best.
I believe I am more tribal, and maybe didn't get so brainwashed into the belief that you get bound and trapped with one person like it is a prison sentence.
I think the greed, jealousy, ownership aspects of relationships cause nothing but suffering and sadness, and that when, and if you are able to step beyond it, you can enter a fulfilled life.
And yeah, maybe I am a dog, a little. I can smell and sense when a woman is menstruating, and it drives me insane, like a snasausage to a dog... or coco-puffs to a sick looking bird. And I don't understand the repressive taboo against sex when blood is flowing, because it is a proven fact women get more out of sex and have a higher sex drive when they are.
besides, the taste is heaven to me. I never let the sheets get stained because I sucked up every drop when I had relationships that were as open and free as I talk about here in the past.
But maybe if WalMart cuts me a nice check I can make the move I want to, to a farm and start a miniature gold course, and have a woman on either side of me as I sleep. That may sound greedy, but with that I can give more of me and things would just run better, provided they enter into it with as free of a mind and open of a heart as I have always had.
Any of that is still far off, and this year feels like it will be one of many changes, and much drama.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)