It Just Takes a Leap of Faith

I didn't plan or choose the life I have, it just kinda evolved. I didn't set out to feel about things the way I do, I just do. I didn't plan to love how I love, but everything just sort of evolved the way it did and I have to be honest about how I feel and why. Overall, I really am a very decent guy with a loving heart, and I do get angry when things go down in ways I know are destructive or wrong. Maybe I express things in ways others may not like, but how I see it talking usually gets me nowhere, and I admit I get frustrated and angry, but I have good insight and am motivated to make things better. I am sad and depressed at how things are, and am sick of being a breast of burden trying to create good things and watching things go so wrong sometimes, and not getting the rewards I feel I deserve. I shut down myself, and feel like I have answers that would work if my viewpoints were taken to heart and some of my suggestions listened to.

I have an ability to see solutions but feel trapped by my life and circumstances, and just don't have the power, ability, or will to make the changes even in myself because I feel like I just don't get the support or respect I deserve or need, and the way things have been going aren't making any progress anyway, so maybe my ideas on how life should be should be tried. In any event, with the way things are, it wouldn't hurt to at least try my approach to life.

I'll start with myself. I am arrogant to a degree, and my anger comes from frustration. Alex needs a strong, steady, firm hand and to have consistent limits set and imposed. Every time Judy has been in the hospital things come together and he obeys. It is because he knows he has no choice. When Judy gives him a means to escape his responsibilities he will exercise it every time. it enables him to act badly, and that needs to stop. That means when something gets said it has to be followed, right or wrong. That also means, even though it is distasteful and difficult, he gets punished swiftly and severely when he steps out of line.

That also includes his comments and when he shows his attitude. There is always time for compromise and discussion once he is obedient.

That getting done would be a great start, and has to be a starting point. So much of the drama is rooted there, and while difficult, I see no other way to get him to act properly.

I have no option and can't give an inch when he takes a mile every time he gets one. Rewards must be earned, and not given because he demands it or will let up when he gets his way.

I also know I need to put more effort into work, but I am so in fear over everything, and things aren't easy right now. It has brought me down and without getting what I know I need things won't change anytime soon.

The next thing is the medical and psychological damages that keep compounding from the depression and dysfunction in this house. Judy normally stays on the couch until 11 or 12 or 1 almost daily, and more times than not every time I leave and come home, tired and beat from work, the house is in worse shape than when I left. That turns me into a jerk, but every time I ask nicely for a change or try to say how I feel, I get shut down or get excuses.

Paula, Carmelo's wife, was in and accident where they didn't know if she was even going to walk again and lives in pain, but she, without pills, fought back against that and takes care of a big house. Judy and Sarah both get on the pity-pot and let pain beat them, making excuses and it hurts those around them and makes even more problems. I do understand how they feel, I live in pain myself, but can fight back against it, especially when I am getting what I need and don't feel alone in trying.

Two women share so much, flaws and strengths and attributes I love, but the need for pills and excuses and justifications just infuriate me to no end.

I also know I can be a pain in the ass about expressing how I feel about having an expanded marriage, but I have looked at it from all sides and it makes sense.

I can't help it that I want sex and romance and closeness at the level I do, and that I feel if passion was made more of a standing priority that things would work better, but they would.

Tonight I caught Judy crushing up pills in the bathroom, same things she bitches about in Sarah, and Judy complains that Sarah just sleeps in, but she does the same thing. Catching her crushing up pills was like catching a crackhead with a pipe. How do I overlook that? Why shouldn't that make me angry? I would have been in the right if I slapped he in the face and called her a junkie, because it IS the same thing. Sarah and Judy are both addicted, and it is also a major root of the problems they have.

And Judy called it right about Trinity, with her attitude and spoiled crying all the time. I know Sarah is overburdened and depressed and stressed out, but that girl needs discipline, and she gets no help from Chris, who is stealing happiness and the future of those girls.

I'd love to have one big house and the permission and role of being the final word. There needs to be that kind of authority for both women, and if they got it they would both heal and eventually there wouldn't be a need for that role.

Sarah having taken pills, Judy not controlling her medication, or overusing. All the cards and opinions held private. I could go on, even about myself, but we all know most of what is wrong.

The expression "too many chiefs, not enough Indians" comes to mind.

The other problem is the misconceptions and half-truths and lies about feelings. It is clear that I love my wife, and that I love Sarah. I can't help that, and I honestly, from the pit of my soul, believe that one big house and a life shared is better for all of us.

Sarah loves both Judy and I, and wants to see Judy and I sharing a good relationship and doesn't want to hurt Judy, so she carries those feelings for me in secret, and if Judy was open to it and accepted it without it taking away from their friendship, would allow those feeling to get expressed. The other issues are in her own life, and her blind love for Chris, even though he is an asshole and puts others and drugs before her. Sarah will offer up what she thinks Judy wants to hear to protect that friendship. I admire that, but at the end of the day that is living a lie, and that never works well anyway.

I might be heavy, but Judy also used that as an excuse, because I am not that heavy that sex should be so limited, denied, or conditional. Romance and sex heal relationships. They strengthen them. Sarah is bi, and is a little attracted to Judy but sees her more of a friend first. Judy is much more straight. But if we all had passion and tender physical connections we'd all have much less stress and would be more tied to each other.

And if I am too heavy for Judy to desire (which is silly because she was the same back when I weighed 220), then by all means she has my permission to get some playmate. But this gets back to laying up 12 hours a day for both. You have to force yourself up, even if you don't want to. I get up, but lose motivation whenever I look at her just laying out all day, and then she's almost always complaining, and the fact that she has a complete lack of humility.
Just tonight she was in the bathroom and I took a break from writing and had changed the tv station, and she came in bitching in the most nasty manner. If she had asked nicely, I'd change the station back in a heartbeat. But she's too often a complete nasty bitch. Alex gets that from her but she'll never see it in a million years. I try to nicely and calmly explain it and she bitches and cuts me off. It is that nasty demanding self-righteous attitude that ruins so much.

Things just escalate, even in me, whenever I start with simple requests or ask something and get no response, I wind up so frustrated because it falls upon deaf ears. and simple things that should be done don't get done, and Judy wonders why I get angry. The house stays a mess, dishes take days to get done, and even the most simple things remain undone or nasty, and I'm painted as the bad guy for complaining about it.
Then even in Sarah, she shows up when she needs something, especially when she needs pills, makes promises and breaks them, and Judy and I both don't trust her not to steal when she is in need. We understand she has a good heart and acts from desperation, but damn.
But she has to deal with Chris and Bridget, being in pain and addicted to pills, being always broke and never having what he wants, and burdened with kids and usually no help. I'm amazed that she keeps it together as good as she does.

Now I could go on and on about our problems, all of us, me included, but I'd rather concentrate on the solutions.
First, my own house has to be in order. Alex needs to learn to tow the line and obey, and once that is in place, many of the problems we face and stress we have would vanish. He even hits Judy, because he just doesn't respect her. That is mostly because she is always seeking a compromise and won't be stern like she needs to, and won't follow through, and fights me when I get forceful with him because she is deluded into thinking a soft approach will work with him.
It does when he wants to or sees reward in it. She gives a kids with a child's mind adult rights, and that doesn't work. He gets resentful, and the root problems stem from her depression and lack of humility. She wants to talk about so much, but it is always a series of justifications of excuses.
If I had the support I needed I could do so well, but I just don't have it in me to fight that fight anymore. I could fight, but until that is fixed I'm fighting a losing battle.
Now when she and Sarah both start working together they compensate for and motivate each other, and function better. I am attracted to them both and love them both, and can't help that, and I'm a much better male role model than Chris, so the girls would do much better with me there instead. I also am finally getting more respect and control where the addiction problems are concerned.
Judy finally relented and has admitted she can't control her addiction or usage, and that has fixed things some, but it needs to be on a better level until they can do it for themselves.
That means that they have to give me control in that area, and under one roof getting them working together they would have much more power over their lives than they do now. They make a great team most of the time.
That means that Sarah has to openly admit how she feels and let go of the life she is trapped in that hold her down and back and Judy has to accept Sarah and I as part of a shared life. That's a hard pill to swallow, even for Judy. There is a selfish part of me that wants them both as lovers, but I want more than that companionship and to better my role as the male aspect and leader of a extended family.
That also means letting go of selfishness and jealousy. Judy claims she's not, but she is. No one wants to feel like their mate needs someone else, that they can't be everything, but I look at it pragmatically. Judy also puts conditions on love and lovemaking that I don't.
It would mean that both would have to accept the idea of being co-wives, and if they saw it like I did for a second and were honest enough they couldn't help but admit it. Social conditioning tells them it isn't normal, but there is no normal and tribal families often work much better than "traditional" ones. Much of the world works that way, and it works well.
Sarah has a heavy burden with four girls, and Judy easily fills in when Sarah needs a break, and Sarah can get through to Alex where Judy and I can't. It just makes sense.

It boils down to us all needing each other and needing a change.
Posted by Busheat at 8:58 PM 0 comments
Home
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom) Followers

Blog Archive
▼ 2009 (1)
▼ July (1)
It Just Takes a Leap of Faith
About Me
Skot David Wilson
View my complete profile

love romance sex and passion

Thursday, January 21, 2010
Went and got my license, so now at least I don't go to jail for driving. I thought I'd have more fixed by now, and Judy is slow to recover and her bitch attitude surfaces too much, and Alex needs to be forced to deal with what is expected of him and she won't force him cause she doesn't want the fight and yet fights me and steals my authority and undermines me and doesn't see it. At least now I can get him in school. Judy might get better in time when it comes to this, she just won't take a stand with Alex and come down hard on him, and it is what he needs.
Steph is in bad shape. As I expected the sheets are gone, and her dog is a pain in the ass to have here, but I'm going to try one more time in three waves.
First is, now that I found her and she came here, and even though she's still making excuses, if she doesn't come around I'm going to trace her down again, get her to come over, and steal her keys so she's stuck here, and get her brother over here as well. Her friend Nina is afraid for her, so I can get some help there as well.
Steph after that is maybe doing what her dad tried and marchman acting her. But we'll try that ourselves first, and I need Kenny in on it as well or it might be doomed.
I gave her the condition that she comes to us every day to check in, and think now that she sees even though she fucked up we're there, she might give it a good effort for once. She's used to having people bail on her, but I can't let that happen to her.
Judy is still down on the couch more than she is on me. I want a woman who will sneak up behind me, grab my dick, and lead me by it to her body and acts like she wants to share love and pleasure with me.
I'm NOT going to be nice until she does anymore. I've expressed how I feel about it, and remain denied. She says she loves me, but to me doesn't show it. And yes, it takes sex as part of that.
That other thing is getting Alex right. Now I can get him to school, so now we will search for one.
I haven't sen Amanda, and just saw Diane. She needs to start paying more.
Zoe is slow to pay, but was right on time today with $60 she owed me which is exactly what my driving restoration cost me. I need to talk to Henry as well, and Darryl and Gerald can't find work. The economy sucks right now. I'm owed three grand almost.
But at least now I feel safe about getting around...
that should start fixing things.
Posted by Busheat at 4:47 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
I overspent doing the kitchen and making loans, but we'll get through it. Judy cost me $300 in pills, or better, really more like $400, and at least that in smokes and to go food, but she will soon bitch about things with no fault going her way.
I need to work, but my shoulder and knee and elbow are fucked and fucked royal, and I can't. I didn't cause the problems either. I fell and hurt my knee in an overcrowded holding cell for an arrest that was wrongful, and on a bus that hit a van and sent me forward into the next seat and tearing something drastic in my elbow and shoulder. I can't lift with my left arm over midchest and my knee keeps giving out.
So now I can't work and the offers I've had I can't do. I had to hire darryl to do things I normally could. That sucks.
Judy says she understands, but I wonder.
Steph took off again, with a carload of sheets that were $180 in cost and $300 sold, or $120 profit. She's messed up and getting worse running away from things. When I get my license I'll track her down.
This will be her last chance.
Judy is still couchy grouchy, and Alex defiannt and Judy promotes that with how she acts and what she allows and doesn't see it. She's quick to make me a bad guy and doesn't see that either.
Meanwhile, I'm left untouched and inloved, and I'm not helping her much anymore until she starts treating me like I deserve.
Helene and darryl are together a lot, but Darryl takes that for granted, mostly because he can't let go of his ex and can't deal with pushing past that pain, and denys it. She would be good for him, and they can have an open thing and she'd stay right there with him. Why does he get the luck? If I had it like that I'd have life on the terms I wanted them for years and knew long ago and liked and thrived on.
Things will work. I feel it, it just might take some time. I just hope my body heals so I can get back to work.
Posted by Busheat at 11:32 AM 0 comments
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Judy had emergency surgery and had part of here colon removed, and Steph is staying here to get her shit together. Maybe Judy will start getting better now. maybe, I hope, she will start to act like a normal woman and wife, and not be so sick, but pills and depression and sucky attitude don't change overnight.
Steph has a pill problem, but I have to try to do what I can to save her before she loses everything, including herself. She's on a bad path, and whatever tools I need to employ I have to to fix her as well, or I am fearful her depression, lack of self-esteem and insecurity, and addiction will turn her into a street person.
Her father has turned his back on her, and besides, he's a dick anyway, but her circle of friends are nothing but worthless. They steal and do pills. She needs real friends, to get back into college, learn how and why to love and give herself to someone, and find a decent guy, and not crutches and excuses.
I had a passing thought a few times when I saw her like I did Sarah a little, but she's got too much of "high school drama" still going on. I don't care about young or old, I look at heart and attitude and other factors. I don't think age should be so important in relationships, and older women and men can teach younger women and men much with casual relationships and intimacy, and we place too much emphasis on things we use to deny intimacy when it can be a good and productive thing.
Judy needs to do that just to maybe remember what it is she should be giving me. I'd love to send her on a weekend with some younger cute guy just so she can remember what unrestricted passion can do for her own self. Wonder if I could get darryl to take her to the woods and fuck the shit out of her. I'll trade and take Helene for a weekend, at least I'd have sex and get a clean house in the process. Helene already has said that she wishes Darryl was more like me in more than a few ways.
I really think when people are stuck with someone that they wind up getting taken for granted, and that is something that damages everyone.
I try to talk to darryl, but he's got some of that Westside redneck thing going on and can't help it, and he's been hurt so he isn't going to give up his fuckbuddy friends, and I told him he just needs to hook up with helene and if he wants to have the other girls as well take her along and threesome out. She'd go for that in a heartbeat, and she's a good girl despite how much she's suffered and how her son dying has hurt her.
I want something much different that what the Southern mind is apt to accept as normal, maybe because I grew up so liberal and free-spirited and had that. It works best for me, for my beliefs, which I have to deny all the time and be judged for.
Open mind, open heart, open bed, open life...
Besides Alex, my happiest was when I had that, when life held little restrictive aspects, and jealous ownership was not in the equation.
I also know that Judy needs a close openminded and spirited girlfriend and that would motivate her. She has no close or consistent friends, and that is not my fault.
She does better, and if she has to bend my way a little for or with that so what. The benefits to her would outweigh her living things my way more than hers, at least at times.
And she thinks it's only a sexual thing, but it's not that or mental or anything other than spiritual to me. Sex is the perk, the emotional and mental health benefits of intense and intimate closeness is the reward there. Sarah wanted that and Judy was too close minded and against me to even realize that if Judy gave a green light to it Sarah would have joined us in a heartbeat, and came to me with that because she knew I wanted that and Judy was always so critical and stupidly thought that she was right.
Sarah placed the friendship with Judy high at that point, and lied about how she felt as a result, and it is emotional dishonesty like that that causes distress and complications. If Sarah spoke her heart and mind and came clean about her wanting to share our bed and life, Judy would have to face things on those terms, and it could have worked and worked well, but her walls are high, and she is blind sometimes.
And even if I gave Judy everything she wanted out of me I'd still be mostly celibate, denied too much, and left unfulfilled and unhappy.
So now I just hope she gets well so I'm at least 60% satisfied.
It's like riding to work every day on a bike that keeps breaking down in a world of mass transit and cars. I'm stuck in the rain, flat tire and chain off, while everyone else rides along in comfort. That's how I feel.
And that sad part is there's a good car in the driveway and she won't take the keys out of her purse.
Posted by Busheat at 8:59 AM 0 comments
Monday, November 2, 2009
My son had an "episode" where he was using a knife on a stick to put holes in his bedroom wall and I spanked him and he got a tiny bump om his head, and stupid ass called the cops, and then when they came and were about to leave had to volunteer that he and I had an "altercation", so guess who goes to jail!
Charges were dropped, and Alex thinks he can say or do whatever he wants and she never really backs me up, instead treats me like I'm the bad guy and challenges me in front of him over everything, so he doesn't obey worth a damn.
She is so concerned about keeping the peace that her stupidity sets up nothing but wars, and she's too blind to see it.
So, now I'm broke, lost a job I was going to do, and electric is about to go off, and I'm hurt from a fall in jail. It's like she's out to undermine me, and wakes up off the couch just to bark out orders or bitch....
Meanwhile, I stay without sex or romance or tenderness or love, I am never approached, and then she wonders why I'm frustrated and bitch.
So if anything comes my way I won't pass it up, because to me I feel my life, or a big part of it, has been wasted waiting for her to wake up. When she gets sick and needs me or fucks up her pills, our lives, and hits the wall then she's like "I love you, I need you", and as soon as she's feeling better it's back to blaming me for everything and denying me any type of real emotional or physical love and satisfaction and comfort.
I don't go looking for it, and I should, but I won't pass up something I'd do if I was single anymore. I've passed up more pussy than any healthy unloved male should. She puts conditions on love and lovemaking, so fuck that.
Besides, I need hour or three long lovemaking sessions, not the quickie or to hear "I hurt" when any normal healthy woman wouldn't.
If she is keeping it from me and knows I need it she should be at least trying to make sure I get a little of what I need, and mostly that is a feeling of appreciation.
She needs to get in shape and fix herself, and her depression has made me depressed and I've lost much of the will to try anymore, because it seems so one sided.
At least WalMart wants to finish up and pay, ten grand but what the hell, I need it now.
Even a sunny day is sad to me. I want my happy spark back, but how do I find it in all these clouds?
Posted by Busheat at 3:43 AM 0 comments
Saturday, September 19, 2009
I was right, I had Chris busted for stealing shopping carts, which he was cutting up to sell for scrap to buy drugs, which is bad, period, and Sarah isn't speaking to us. Even if that destroyed the friendship, it will be better for the girls in the long run, and maybe better for Sarah if she ever gathers the courage and sense to leave Chris.
Alex still isn't in school. He won't do even basics, and once I'm legal to drive again I can fix that, but everything takes time when you're as far behind as we are.
I hope he gets past this phase, but I feel it will last a little while.
And Judy needs to get better, fast. Something is wrong with her digestive system, aggrivated by pills, but nothing I say or do changes anything.
Whatever is wrong with her needs surgery I think. I only hope it doesn't destroy her.
I want her well, but again nothing I say ever seems to matter.
Meanwhile, I wait, lonely, celibate for the most part, watching my best years fade in sadness, and what I want to make me happy never materializes.
If she had it in her to approach me, seduce me, woo and romance me, I might feel different, but it has been years, and I'm mostly resigned to the fact that she just doesn't know how to give herself completely to anyone, at least me anyway.
It takes that, there isn't any real devotion going on there. There has to be a willingness to lose yourself to find your partner, and what is best within yourself. But all the talk about everything to make it there is just that, and I am sick and now unable to be giving on that level without it coming my way first.
Posted by Busheat at 11:49 PM 0 comments
Monday, July 27, 2009
Basics
Love is a powerful driving force. Twenty years of marriage and I'm still in love. There have been times when the love was still there but the "in love" wasn't, and the "in love" is the romance that goes with love, and naturally the sex gets thin, but passion is the factor that gives it all a second breath, allows the faith and hope that goes with a relationship to clean the slate and try again.
When you love someone you take the bad with the good. So many people just cash out like the people they claimed love for are disposable, which they aren't.
I wish my wife would back up and realize just how much I love her. She pisses me off a lot, mostly over two things. First is Alex. She's too soft and empowers him in the wrong ways sometimes. She says he acts like me when he gets upset, but what she allows and says empowers him to act out. I set hard limits because he needs them, then she'll question me when I discipline him. The other thing is what I need in romance, tenderness, and sexuality. She gets upset about me wanting as much as I do and to include more than her, but I've always been like that and she knows it. If she knew that going in she should give me at least a taste of what I want every once in a while.
The best gifts she can give me is to hold the line on Alex when she needs to and to bring another person to our bed every so often and to not make me go too long without. It isn't fair to me.
If I'm made happy like that, she'd find that I'd be happier and my being happy drives me to do more, which means I'd do more for and be better for and with her.
It's not as if I want something other than her without her. I want her as part of anything, and that should flatter her.
I want us to sqing a little or maybe find a friend/lover or couple to share friendship and a little sex with. Sarah would be an option, but I don't completely trust her. It would be nice to have her and the girls as part of one big family, but Sarah has her head stuck up Chris' ass and she steals and is fucked up on pills and a lack of self-esteem. But I think Sarah has been hurt so much and has such low self-esteem and expectations that she'll eventually betray us.
I think of what other women would be nice to add, because I just don't want a sex toy. I want a lover and friend she and I can share. I'd like someone closer to us in age and background, and for Judy to have a friend she want to share everything with, which includes me.
Amanda I like as well and can see like that, her age aside, she is more mature than many women older than her. If it was just a sex need I'd go for it and keep it to mysef, but it's more. There's nothing better than intimate friendships and to share them with the person you love. And if you really love someone you try to give them what they want, despite what you want or like. I do that for Judy more than she knows. A life of fidelity is my doing just that, especially when fidelity means celibacy. That steals from me in more ways than she will ever care to understand.
Now just because I feel that way about others doesn't mean that I don't love Judy, it reinforces it. What I love in other women and see in them is what I see or want to have more of in Judy. How I can deny what I want or feel or who I am and then say I'm happy?
As for Alex, he needs rules and to have them applied strictly, getting what he wants only after he complies, but she doesn't want to fight him so sets rules them allows him to slide. If I can cure her of that I can get him in line. Alex needs to comply with our wishes, but she contests me on near about everything, and I don't think she sees it. Whenever I try to explain things, she says I'm making justifications and excuses, but I know what I'm talking about.
So that is where those things are in basics. I have a heavy job keeping everything together.

It was a nice Christmas. I like my stereo and Judy and Alex like their gifts, main one being cookware worth a lot, and I got nice earings for Judy, and loads of sheets.
I'll have my license cheap soon, may take until after Christmas.
Once I do then I can work on fixing Judy's shit. Darryl is around a lot, which is okay, and I'm finally redoing the kitchen with his help. It pisses me off because my shoulder, knee, and elbow are fucked, and I can't even hold a paint can well. Mrs. Betty, Carmelo, Darryl and Helene, Steph, Henry, Gerald, Diane, yeah a few friends around, even Steph and her worthless boyfriend.
My best present is Judy losing a foot of bad tubing. Maybe now I can get her back, although until we address the methadone problem and she is more motivated and healthy forget it.
I also know that now she's "foced" that if she doesn't start being the one to initiate things that I don't care about giving it any effort anymore. I deserve better. I deserve to be anted and touched without asking, and getting more that a quickie. If she won't, I don't think I'd have a problem finding a woman who would be thrilled to have a man like me. I may be a little heavy, but that is my own depression surfacing, and the source of that is from my relationship with her. I feel alone, and that is wrong.
Anyway, one step at a time.

We at least have money for Christmas, and it is going fast. Judy wants to go food and delivery, and between that and smoking $400 will vanish at this rate in a month.
Smoking is GOING to stop, and very soon, or I WILL divorce her over it. I feel bad about promising Alex then not following through, and I can only stop if she does.
Carmelo is paid, my mom is paid, and things are finally working out. I think I'll fix the kitchen I hate so much.
Judy had emergency surgery. As much as we war, and as bad as her habits are and life is with someone suffering from pill overuse and depression, it isn't anything I want to go through again.
Maybe this will fix her. I'd like to have a healthy lighthearted friend as my companion, and she has no clue as to how her depression and all the shit has worn me down and hurt me and Alex. Most men would never have stayed or stuck it out. I'm celibate, fought over everything and the object of any anger she ever has, and am emotionally and romantically neglicted.
I don't care what she thinks, I want to play before I'm too old and cold to. I've lost so much time already dealing with this all, and deserve it. She knew how I feel about sex and romance and how the dynamics of it all works, and she should give me what I want at least a fraction of the time. It's not like I keep many secrets or want to reoplace her. I want to suppliment recreational sex and have her as a full partner in playing.
If she loves me like she says she does then I feel she'd want to give me that and be there with me to share in it, and get from me whatever she wants in return, and what I'm more at ease in giving back to her. How I want that is for Judy to have a friend who she doesn't mind sharing me with. In my heart I don't see that as a bad thing.
I have a feeling it may take a month or two for her to kick back into gear, but now she's had the bad plumbing extracted she should get better.
Christmas should be good.
Steph is going to stay with us to maybe get her shit together. She makes excuses and wants to run away as party girl. Her father is hard on her, with good reason in some areas, but he's not equipped to help her and hurts her more.
She needs to get into college, get a job, and fix her life, but she's inmature and hurt and hooked on pills and party. I don't know if she has the will or drive to fix herself, she's more concerned with drugs and running away. Unless she decides to get well and ahead again she won't.
Everything takes time.

Jailhouse Judy

Judy got arrested for Dr shopping, a bullshit charge, damn dectective got it so wrong, thinking she went to another doctor when I know she didn't, and from what i can tell it's over her methadone and getting them from baptist, and the charge says not telling the doctor, which is shit.
I threatened Nassau county and not only did they extradite her that same day, but I got her an ror and a ride home a half hour behind me after threatening the Sheriff with Federal. They know they are fucked.... So there's another lawsuit there for her, and one for me because I hurt mu elbow and shoulder on the bus.
It sucks, but something it wrong... My left knee, shoulder and elbow... at least that's three, right?
We had a good Thanksgiving, first time we ate out, went to Golden Corral. Slow day, and maybe Judy will finally see how right I am about everything.
Only thing is she keeps getting sick. She needs to get her plumbing fixed, period.

I spent three weeks in jail because my fuckhead son was putting holes in the wall and I laid into him a little. In my day what I gave him would have been minor, and asswipe wickedy fucked our family. She had to be the one who called 911, then opened up her mouth when the cops were leaving by telling them my son and I had a "dispute".
Does she try to fuck up our family. Now I have no means to work or keep our electric on, and YES it IS her fault, but arrogant bitch will never see that.
Karma will get her ass!
Now my knee is fucked because I fell in there. Don't know how bad yet. At least WalMart will kick out $10K in a little, so we'll have a good Thanksgiving and Christmas....
I just feel in my gut that it's all not over. There's more bad before the good kicks in better.....
I'm just going to sue everyone over anything that I or we were wronged over. Nothing that I do not deserve, but hell, there's more than enough wrong that's been done to us. From false arrest on Judy in August and me with Alex, to my injury.
I didn't cause these things, but I will seek justice, and I have Right on my side.

Alex and school, bills and tight money..... ahhhhhhhh!
I intend to get Judy's charges dropped, period. despite her stupidity, she didn't deserve to be arrested. Alex fights about doing anything, and mommy needs to firm hand him and won't, and then stops me when I do. That's going to hurt us and him in the long run.
Darryl is still having drama over Stephanie. He needs to stop playing with fire.
I'm tied of fighting everything, but I'm just about to get back head above water.
Amanda is like a ballon. Poor thing, but she's doing fine.
And I can't stand this motherfucking kitchen!

Piss on Chris

I got Chris arrested and then got arrested for missing court myself, and was in the same cell. At least that case is over, and I can always reopen it because I never admitted in pleading, so I have to wait for Gooding to leave the bench, and Holiday to transfer out of division. Gooding eventually will rotate into family or civil.
Then I reopen because I never plead properly, on a writ, and overturn it, and then hand it all back.
Maybe this will break sarah away from Chris, but I doubt it. She defends him because of fear and sick love and whatever other reason. Chris is a piece of shit, was cutting up shopping carts for drug money when his kids go hungry, because he sells their food stamps.
That selling of stamps got Sarah to take judy to WalMart to pay us back for what we spent on her kids, and Sarah, always broke because of Chris, had to go and steal.
That got Judy arrested, as well as her own stupidity.
But something needed to change, and I kinda felt this coming. I know Sarah is blind and stupid when it comes to Chris, and they blame me. But she needs to blame him for being such a shit to his kids. Maybe the courts will force him to change, but that's doubtful, and if he does it won't last.
But it exposed Chris for being the theif he is, and Sarah as well at WalMart.
I can even maybe bring suit over Judy's arrest....
Been thinking about my sister, need to re-establish. I just hate her being with asshole worthless Tony. Judy is lucky to have me and needs to start showing it.

Judy got arrested for pills in the wrong container, and now I have to lose time and money to deal with it, and cancel a job that I have to let slide and go away because I have to deal with getting her out of jail. Won't be long.... But hell, I can't keep doing this or dealing with it.
Sarah stealing got Judy busted.... Pisses me off, she never listens, and if she did we'd being doing much better. She fights me just for the sake of fighting me I think.
I sense things being crazy until Christmas, even up to it. I haven't had a clear vision dream in some time, just fast flashy ones with more feelings than details.
I do see progress, and letting a guy become a closer friend... I see Darryl running to me for help and getting closer. Maybe divorce drama.
Alex is growing fast, now if he could just focus and Judy would shut up and stop cutting my legs from out under me. He needs discipline, and I need backup, even if she thinks I'm wrong. She doesn't see it, but I do that for her most of the time.
I need a vacation.
No rest for the weary.
So Judy is in jail and going insane, but I'll have her out soon. Maybe this will wake her up. Sarah caused this mostly, but Judy didn't listen, and she just fails to see that I'm normally right.
This isn't her wall, but I feel she has a big wall coming that just might change her.

I'm a Dirty Rat

I told Dr Day about Sarah and the pill problem. She is part of the vanishing pills and if she can do that to Judy I just don't trust her, and she will never leave Chris. Despite what I know what could be, especially if we get money soon and carry her with us, I don't see it happening. I don't feel a future with her there. The window has kinda closed on that.
Pills gone, Judy gets sick, people always stealing, most of her friends based or include pills, it sucks.
I could fuck everything that offered itself to me and go find more and still not be as disloyal as Judy has been because of pills. It steals from us, and will hurt us before it is over. It is destroying her, ruining her health, and she needs to fix her guts. Bitch needs surgury before she winds up like Sheila.
I just have the life sucked out of me because I can't fight the drug wars, it takes my air away and I can't breathe.
I'm just fed up.

Real Friendship Takes Work

It is true, being a real friend with someone isn't always easy. You have to let go of all judgments and accept them raw, every flaw and detail of personality. Marriage is the same way. Naturally there is a limit there. One cannot accept abuse, and the friendship and love must work both ways. It has been great to see Judy and Sarah develop a real friendship, and while there are some problems that need to be worked out, for the most part between all three of us there is something really great.
Sarah and I are closer than most people generally know, mostly because Sarah is not allowed to have a guy be that close becaise of Chris, and because Sarah is afraid that is Judy knew how close we are Sarah thinks it might hurt their relationship. Sarah has expressed a desire to get even closer, but that would create complications between us all, and she doesn't want to hurt Judy. Neither do I. I'd love to have my cake and eat it too, but Judy doesn't share my views on expanded relationships.
I think a romance/friendship flowing between us three makes us each and all better for ourselves and to and for each other. I have seen it working that way, and so have they, and it can't, nor shouldn't, be denied.
We would do better, our kids do better, and it is just a matter of creating the right atmosphere for that change to allow it to happen. but there are aspects of sarah I don't completely trust. She wants a good life but plays games even she isn't aware of. Judy and the good side of Sarah fit well together, but Sarah has I side that seems put on and sneaky.
Sarah has the problem of hopeless depression and addiction and looking for any kind of escape to be able to cope with her life, and Judy being depressed and lazy because of that, and making the minimum effort to fix things, and in me depression from having to put up with being so hammered down with no apparent help, and apathy, which is why we all need each other for the missing elements we each lack. We have what Sarah needs, and she has what we both need, and the tension in not expressing what is felt under the surface is a burden as well. But life can be complicated.
I can't trust Sarah not to take Judy's pills, or Judy not to overtake and abuse them herself. I shouldn't have to be the pill police, but I am. I want more than anything to cure them both so they get that part of themselves back, but that is so much easier said than done.
That takes work, to be a friend to them both and deal with and accept their addiction, and to do so without getting what I need, which is either one or both of them riding me or my face down in them. That may sound crude, but I love my wife, and love sex with her, but just hate this way I see her live life, and I can't help it if being around Sarah has made me find things I love in her as well, because I know what her heart feels and what is inside her. She has so much in common with Judy that if I didn't love that stuff in Sarah how could I say I love my wife?
So it is all now like a waiting game, and will take work. I am in a hole that I can't just work my way out of, and in fear every time I turn the key because of complications from a lack of money and bad fortune. But most of it is circumstantial, a result of living in a hellhole of a place. Take these two women to a farm and environment where people are still decent and they would both simply shine, my son as well, and her kids, too. Getting there is the hard part.

Truth

Judy gave Sarah a letter about the little things that keep vanishing and Sarah was beside herself. She's been taking a little of this, a little of that, usually pills, mostly because without them she gets sick, is addicted, just like Judy, and is trapped in a bad life with shit for a husband, gets mentally and emotionally abused, oh, and did I say "trapped"?
She's in love with me to a degree, and would like to be a lover, with me there and with Judy, although together and alone they are more friends, so I would be the aspect that expands the bed like I'd want. I want more than that to expand our family, because she and the girls fit and complete her life like we complete hers and theirs, and are all better for each other together. But I also know Judy would have a hard time accepting that.
I see why she takes, because she is too ashamed to keep asking and is in need and has no other sources and stays where she is for her girls.
But she needs to get out from where she is, the life she is stuck in, and the best place is with us, and it would benefit us as well, so everyone would win.
Life is still crazy, work still sucks and I still feel trapped myself.
Judy has her digestive system working again, but if everything stays normal she'll be back in the hospital in two to three months again, or sooner.
I just need a vacation from my life.
I think we all could use a vacation.
But I have to fight, and keep fighting....
such is life....

It's like I'm at war on every front. Fighting to get our dog back because of Wanda's bullshit, having the prosecutor do dirty and my attorney not fighting like I thought she would and being over a barrel due to my past and that shit, Sarah stealing little things and having to hide pills because of her, then she acts all hurt and defensive when you call her on it. No work out there, little money, just so much shit.
Judy acts usually from depression, and Sarah acts from desperation, and Steph is insecure and seeking escapes, but it is how they deal with things that really pisses me off, and I can speak from the higher ground in these areas and really don't judge them, but don't know how to fix my wife, or them, and get them right or help them get to where they want to be, both in their heads or reality. I can't fix Alex's anger problem, and Judy undermines me and my authority like all the time.
Judy needs to get off the mother-fucking pity-pot and push on and DO things, and Sarah needs to stand up for herself, stop hunting pills, make Chris get a job and treat her like a priority instead of dirt, and admit what her truths are, and stop lifting things making the excuse to herself of need and that others can spare what she needs to get by. Steph needs to buck up, leave the pills alone, realize her father needs to be responsible for his own anger, and build her future. Alex needs to learn how to apply himself to work and let go of anger, and I need to learn how to cope better and find solutions and not let all that effect me. Poor Darryl needs to leave his damn wife alone and control his temper. Amanda needs to leave her sperm donor by the wayside and apply herself to college. She'll let him back then see her mistake down the line, because he plays her. Diane manages her mess with a smile on her face, but her husband is shit as well, but she is used to dealing with it. It seems that so many people I know have serious problems, and I don't remember problems like these in the lives of myself or my firends back in Virginia or Jersey.
Money would solve a lot. A farmhouse and a king size bed even more if I could get Judy to share my views on sex, marriage, friendship and life, but good luck with that one. If those two get truly honest and start working hard for an amazing life instead of drifting by in survival mode I'd be a happy camper. Things have, Judy has, brought me to that mode to a degree myself. She doesn't see how her sloth and giving in to depression and pain has made so much get worse and us lose so much, or how it gets, for me, like building a sandcastle below the wave line. It gets frustrating. But I don't think she sees or believes it, and we are very different. I had my views before I met her and made those views clear.
Everyone needs a shot of real honesty and motivation.
Sarah is all over here when she is in need, but no where to be found when we need her. That sucks. That also tells me we have to watch out for her. She does stupid things, and one day we will get burned for it.
I had a neighbor do something nice for me without asking the other day. My mower is broke and he cut my front lawn. That's something out of my book. But there's just too little of that, or any real reward for me to lay claim to happiness.

Sometimes I'm happy, but mostly not. I don't like how life has evolved, where I live, and too often I have the worst partner in a wife that I ever thought I ever could most of the time. Judy is all talk and might have good intentions, but for the most part she is the thing on the couch that is either bitching, complaining that others need to do her jobs, bitching or pity-potting about being sick, or making some sort of stupid excuse as to why the house is such a nasty place. She needs to get her digestive system fixed, but whenever I talk about her getting surgery she throws up a denial wall. After that eventually gets fixed she might stay well enough to get past her depression and the sickness that controls her.
I love what is good in her and hate the rest. There is no effort out of this woman to make life better, just talk and excuses, and it has worn me down and stolen my happiness and is now hurting my son's future, because she has damaged him by how she is.
So how do I fix everything? The first step is for this bitch to do what I say and how I say to do it and to try to grow a brain in the process. I have been right about everything, and I have suffered because i stuck it out and tried to do the right thing. I deserve a wife who at least tries to make a good life for those she says she loves, but this doesn't always feel like love, it feels like need.
She loves me, but it is on her terms with conditions and she is covertly vindictive when things are not her way.
She reminds me of those creatures clinging to the ribs of the ghost of Christmas Past. The minimum just doesn't cut it, neither does being mostly celibate, and having her interject at all the wrong times, or her blunders and stupidity. Her stupidity has set us back all too often, but she'll never deny it.
And when she acts like she can do better, that just kills me. In what reality?
I want out of this house, yesterday, and I refuse to spend another dollar on it, and if the foreclosure about to fall on us goes on me when it needs to be on just her, I will wig. You can't tie someone's legs up and expect them to walk.
I do love her, but there are times, when I think of the past, the betrayals, the bullshit, that I hate her more. I must be the eternal optimist to stay. But she has no right to any kind of say-so in anything as to how I live or what I do, not until she is a contributing partner. It suck to love someone who doesn't give you what you need in life or love.

Judy's on the couch again, complaints about her back, and naturally, dishes undone, food left out, and she can motivate to go to the store or something but not to work. she says she stays busy, but for someone so busy so much is left undone. She IS NOT a partner, and I need one.
We are finally going to have the trial on the paint on the Econosweep thing, which is a year and a half old now. I just don't trust those bastards.
So much shit that just pisses me off, but what am I to do other than stick it all out.
Sarah is always hinting to get pills, and I'm running that show as best I can, but I resent having to play pill police so Judy won't run out any more. Between pills, sloth, depression, and arrogance and selfishness I just don't know how to fix Judy, and what I love is always at war, it seems, with what I hate.
I didn't sign up to be always frustrated by living in a hell hole that is dirty with someone who thinks that dirty and messy is fine and makes excuses about it all the time. I hate my life because of how she has forced me to live and how she just doesn't take real responsibility or work to make things better. It has dragged me down to near white trash, and I resent that.
There is always an excuse, and she wants everyone to do her job for her, and I refuse anymore, and that is when it all got nasty, when I stopped doing her job.
I don't care about this house, if we lose it or anything. I don't care if I live in a tent. She has damaged our son by her attitude and lack of attention to her family, and I see it as a betrayal. It is only because I know she is stupidly blind about it that I can forgive any of it. I came back after being betrayed and stayed because of my son, but sometimes I think it would have been better if I made my own new life and waited for her to crash and lose everything. If not for me she would be living in a trailer or on the street and on a fast road to a shallow grave, but that shouldn't be my job. I shouldn't have to carry someone who is unwilling to take proactive measures to please and help her husband and care for her son. In the long end of the day she is lazy, and I detest that in her. She may not want to be like that, but she is.
Sarah has resigned herself being with Chris like I have with Judy, but Chris can't be fixed, and Judy can, but only if she admits her problems and starts to work to fix things, and that is why I rant about Sarah, because they both can fix each other and compensate for each other, and even motivate each other to do better. I paint the walls, and they get nasty, and put in floors that should still be fine, and bought a stove and fridge that look twenty years old now, stay encrusted with stains and food, and it doesn't seem to bother her. That is what is sick and what I hate the most. Then she makes it so others have to do that work, or she half-asses it and makes excuses why she can't.
Carmelo's wife was near cripple, but forced herself, without pills, to walk and work and get better, and I even remember a woman with MS in a wheelchair who kept better house, and women who are 80 who would make better wives, simply because they do their job. If something is halfway clean, I leave and it is twenty times worse in a few hours, and all my work goes out the window. She should be forcing Alex to do school work, but throws so much "sympathy and understanding " at him that he is crippled and impaired by it now. She would steal and undermine my authority, making excuses and giving rewards and praise for substandard behavior and work, and that has hurt him as well.
I have so much to fix, and cannot do it alone.
How to make the blind see and deaf hear????
I have to figure out how to pack and store everything, and we are facing foreclosure with no way out other than fighting it and filing bankruptcy. She is wasteful, spends every dime when you tell her to save some for something it has been earmarked for, and I get really little help. I have so much to fix, and have to do it alone. If I am married, why do I almost always feel alone?
I didn't make this mess, but I will fix it out escape it. That I have promised myself, and Judy can get on the ball or I am gone, and when she loses Alex I will have to be secure enough to take custody, because without me that is what I see happening. Love has taken me as far as it can and the only way it will replenish is if she starts being worthy of it. I don't ask for anything more than basics.

Fatass Wanda says she is retracting her affidavit, which means no factual basis for the dangerous dog determination, so I hope to get that taken care of later today. I don't trust her to follow through though. And Judy has been much better than she was, but not near yet what I think she should be. Kenny cut her hair, and it looks okay in front, but I told his ass to not take more than an inch, and I meant it, and he had the nerve to say that it would grow in faster. Hair grows from the root, and everything you feel is dead, all dead cells, so it grows at whatever rate it does, and the only thing that effects anything is nutrition, and he tried his usual lines of bullshit that cutting the ends makes the hair grow faster, and I could slap anyone who would say something so stupid. He could have taken just a little of the length, but not the 3 to 5 inches he did. He cut it that way because he wanted to, ignoring what I said about it, and Judy with her usual try to diffuse and make excuses for people, Judy who was pissed he took so much length, starts a mini rant on how it is her decision, as if to justify how much he took, when it was her who first bitched about how much length he took.
I'm sorry, and this may sound male arrogant, but if a woman has long hair and is with a man in some committed fashion, if that length gets cut the man has the primary right to decide if and how it gets cut, because he has to look at the woman... and in the same way, if a man grows face hair the woman has the right to bitch about it and make him trim or cut, because she is the one who kisses that face. In a relationship, you accommodate the wishes of your lover.
And if a beard scratches a woman's face or crotch, and she says shave it, you do.... and if a man wants his lady to have and keep long hair, she does. She can wear it up, or whatever, but she keeps the length. And no full of himself, justifying and excusing himself because he's gay and by virtue of that knows, or thinks he knows, how best to dress women has the right to chop off that much hair just because they didn't let him have barbie dolls when he was a kid.
Yes I am pissed, still, because he didn't listen, and he is lucky I didn't keep my word that if he took too much I would shave his head. I was tempted to hold him down and shave off his goatee, and tell him, "but now that I cut it it will grow in faster and nicer".

Judy was trimming the other day, and I cut the length on her muff hair. And I keep my balls and shaft hair free. I know women don't like a mouth full of hair when they go down, but going down on a woman hair isn't as bad, I guess because there's not a mouthful there. Pushing hair aside to hit a clit is a little different than dick and ball sucking where I think it would be bothersome. But trimmed is nice, and the best reason for a short beard. it works well on a clit, as long as its soft and not stubble.
And the long hair on a woman. I don't think I can think of a guy who wouldn't want to grab his old lady by the hair and get lost in it. So a committed relationship gives the man the primary right to it, especially since a woman can't see her hair behind her even in a mirror. It is like being married to a blind person and them having the car painted some color you hate. The blind person has a friend paints it lime green or hot pink, and says "don't worry, it will fade and you can repaint it later". Sorry, that doesn't work. The person who has to see it all the time gets first choice in the decision, period.

Chris can't get any of Judy's pills and it is pissing him off. But I have to control everything, even though I don't want to, because if I don't, nothing I want or need done will be and things I don't want to happen will. Sarah I have empathy for, but she needs to keep her word and work before she gets anything else. I know she gets sick without, but I didn't make it that way, and until she comes clean with Judy in front of me about how she really feels and stops the bullshit I can't be just another crutch. She needs to be with us, and so do her girls, and I think that once that happens that we all will be doing better, and then Judy on 5 and Sarah on three, next month 4 and 2, then 3 1/2 and 1 1/2..... then 3 and 1, then less and less until I get these bitches off this shit, so it stops eating their life and happiness.
And the other thing is how Sarah really feels, because she loves us and has physical and romantic desire for me, and that isn't something she should be afraid of Judy knowing, but something that they should be sharing, and hopefully allow evolve into something even between them sometimes. Admission of my love for Sarah and understanding it has given new power and drive where my love for Judy is concerned, because I recognize what it is I love and what I need to do to be worthy of that love better. And loving one is as easy as loving the other because of what is so "the same" in them both, and exciting because of what is different, and what is different in each I want to share with the other. I think a threesome with them would be fantastic for all of us. It is that wall Sarah has about not wanting to hurt Judy that makes her hide how she feels, and Judy wants to own me as women have wanted to own their men for centuries, or men own women. If she share a little she gets more back, and when she sees that I think, while she might not like all of it, she'd have to admit it makes me better and better to her and life better overall.
I want them both and for Kenny not to touch the length of their hair.

I know I run between loving and supporting my wife and hating her for her sloth and bullshit, and she asks "which one is real?", to which there is only one answer.... both.
I can both hate and love in one breath. I hate the acts more than the person, and can detest how someone acts while I still love so much about them. Judy pisses me off because she doesn't listen, takes little advice, takes so little to heart, and is arrogant about her acts, finding so much blame in others but none in herself, and that lack of humility except as a general disclaimer to seem more human is what I detest. I'm sure many of my faults piss her off as well, but there is something much different in our faults.
She does fail to make a good and clean home, or make any real effort to fix things, and while I have done much less lately, at least I didn't start out that way. It took years of putting up with being the one who did the bulk of the work for me to get so disgusted that I just stopped and just don't care anymore. Carmello and my mom are right about needing a partner willing to help, and not being an enabler. Judy enables Alex to get out of responsibility and sets that example, so now he is walking a bad path, and God forbid if I should say anything. She questions me thus empowering him and that sucks. I get "hush!" and I just want to punch her lights out when that starts. I hate people who don't take any responsibility and suck the life and resources out of others without giving back what they need.
Judy gives nothing much I need unless I demand it or request it, and she sucks for that. She has a great heart, but that only goes so far.
Now Sarah could be the kind of woman who could be that partner, so could Amanda, and so could so many other women. Judy is just slothy lazy about it. She IS NOT a partner, and gives me no real or lasting support. I too often see her as an extended hand that takes and doesn't put back, she cannot see what I really want or need, just gives what she thinks I should need, gives too little too late, and only if the winds are favorable to her.
Now Sarah puts forth that effort for the wrong person, to someone who doesn't appreciate her, partly because she knows nothing else. So when things don't turn out right, it winds up fucking her up as well. That and she can be lazy, and her bad judgement about where her kids accompany her and if they are wearing their seat belts infuriates me to no end, so that is part of why I'd like her formally in my life. I could fix much of her, and she could fix Judy where I can't. To someone outside of my knowledge base, who doesn't know what I know, even secrets that aren't talk about here, this might seem like just a selfish fantasy thing, but there is a deeper reality I understand and I am right about this.
Sarah loves Judy and I, and is in love with me, and has more of a friendship love with Judy that she could allow to include sex. With me she has desire, and keeps it secret so well. She still loves Chris, but more is more in love with the idea of loving Chris with a blind hope he will change and a sense of duty to let their kids have their father, shitty father he may be, and is fearful about leaving because it is all she has ever known, is afraid of them stealing the kids and maybe how Chris would react if she left, and wants to stay near her mom and dad.
So she puts up with and shuts out so much of it, and escapes, using pills sometimes, or stealing little moments away for herself, and is getting more and more fed up with it all, so might one day be able to fix things in her life, for her and her kids, and she would be happy to be lover/companions to Judy and I in the way I have laid out so extensively.
But she is fearful of losing or hurting the friendship she has with Judy. Chris can't contest that like he could contest our friendship, and our secret love that has to be denied. But if things change where she can join Judy and I it would have to happen, and she knows it like I do, and I think some part of Judy does as well. She tells Judy one thing as a cover, but feels another way, and it is like her stealing pills out of desperation, or scamming returns, or whatever other stupid deal that revolves around food or pills or whatever else Chris fails to provide.
Maybe Judy needs to ask Sarah if she is in love with me, loves me, wants me, thinks about me, thinks about being in a three way open or committed marriage, or has passing thoughts about making love, to me, me and Judy, or even Judy. I think that is the order it is in.
I bet her eyes would reveal a lot.
I think Sarah also sees how I am with her girls and wishes I was their father, or that Chris was like me with them, or whatever. But we are who we are in life, Chris is a piece of shit, and always will be, and Sarah and Judy work and function better as a team, and both together make the female counterpart I need for me to function well and be happy.
Judy is the one who needs to get a clue, and Sarah needs to come off of the truth about how she really feels. I don't think anything will work right until we all three come together as a team, or maybe if Judy starts taking better care of herself and gets the surgery she needs and cuts down on pills. I really love Judy with all my heart, and want her back the way she was, with improvements, like understanding my physical needs and taking care of them. It is sick that I sometimes go monthswithout sex and intimacy. I love romance and tenderness and want to be desired and have more than a half hour of relief sex. I want romantic, passionate, erotic sex and passion.

We're still in a war with the city to get Sqt. Pepper back. It's mostly due to bitch Wanda, who did a booty giggle dance floor thing from behind and Sarge bit her when I told her to get off of me. He was doing her job, and the bitch is fishing for money. I do know one thing. If that dog dies I seek vengeance, period.
Judy and I have been having better sex and more often. Night before last she gave me the best head she has in a while then fucked halfway decent. Still nowhere near what I want or in fulfillment of my abilities or desires, but a start. Tonight she said she was hurting, again, and I think she has created a lifestyle that sets herself and those around her up to fail. The house was a mess, and I get excuses, and Alex's room is a trash heap, and I get excuses, and dishes stay in the sink and dirty, and I get excuses, but the bitch can buy smokes, lay around, make bead necklaces, and watch t.v., while everything falls apart around us.
Every major bad thing that has gone wrong can be traced to her or my responses to her, and what she did or didn't do, and I'm the bad guy for demanding a higher standard. She has fucked up Alex and just doesn't see it.
And as for Sarah, she needs to get on the ball as well and stop hunting pills, and stop putting up with drug people and drugs in her house or the abuse her husband puts down on her. I hope Steph deals with her pill problem as well. Sarah also needs to come clean with Judy and tell her how she feels about us becoming one bigger family and that she is in love with me, loves Judy, and would like to have a three sided relationship just as much as I do. I asked her to deny she is in love with me to my face and she can't, and asked her to deny that she doesn't want me, and she won't. I think she is even curious about what it would be like with Judy, but I think for that I have to be there and a part of it, but if she just told Judy that she loves her and doesn't want to hurt their friendship but would like to share me and live with us as one family I think Judy might accept and even like the idea as well. I really don't want Sarah or any other woman without Judy. I also wish Judy would open up to a wilder side for herself. I'd love to just sit back and watch her have sex with someone else, man or woman. I thinkit would do her good.
The problem isn't in the heart or wishes of these two, but in the effort they make and the lack of judgment they use. Everything is so wrong, and they are both smothered by problems and depression and pills so much that they can't function, and if I am in a position where I can have some authority, like I do now with Judy's pills, then they will do better. Judy hasn't had any digestive problems since she went to 4 or 5 pills a day, and she motivates more. Sarah is starting, more and more, to sneak and act upon her disgust of Chris, but she needs to exercise the courage, like Judy would, to stand up to his shit. That is a strength Judy has, and Sarah has the submission that Judy needs. They have the aspects each lack to make a better woman out of each other, and together those qualities would transfer to each other better, and I would be a devoted lover and friend and companion to them both, and a better husband to my wife.
Like tonight, Judy shot me down, so if things were how I wanted I would sleep with Sarah, so I wouldn't be frustrated and resentful, so in the morning I'd be nicer and happier, and the same when Sarah says "not tonight". And some nights, both of them together would be just romantic and tender and warm and loving for all of us, and Judy, once she gets past the need to own and her insecurities, would find that the connection we could have with each other brings out the best in all of us, and she would be happier as well. Everyone assumes that a man would want another woman just for sex, but that's not it at all. That's the side benefit, because the dynamics of an expanded relationship would benefit everyone, because of what it offers.
I also think that both the girls would be turned on if either of them watched me with the other and would want in, and when our physical genders vanish and we relate to each other on our attributes, then what we could have could be absolute magic. If Judy gets off giving me head and loves watching me be pleasured and cum, then she should be able to enjoy that by sharing another woman with me, and when you add the love and goodness that has, and place it in the environment that Judy and I create, then my wife and I would both benefit from it. This stays on my mind because above any other change other than something for Alex's schooling and us moving, we need that change. Besides, I want to give Sarah's girls the father figure they deserve, and I like watching Judy with them because she'll never have a daughter, so all of us as one family fulfills those things, and would allow Sarah to have a safe environment and partners that love her, and Alex can be something like a son to her as well. It all just fits. The problems that we have suffered lately wouldn't be happening so often, because we could be watching out better for each other.
Besides, when you sit back and visualize both of them together, sexually and romantically, sharing lovemaking, I can't think of two women I would want to wake up with other than them.
The night when Judy gave me great head then a round two decent fuck I slept all night and woke better rested than I have been in a while. I have so much sexual energy and if it isn't properly released I just don't rest well. I think the move would make it happen, because I know Judy wants her living with us just as much as I do, but not with the same motivations I have, but I also think if she is with us that they will get so close that what I want will happen on it's own or at least without much effort. I just have to wait. I'd also love to watch Judy with another guy, knowing that I'm who he loves. She wonders why I get angry, but it is more frustration than anger.I am frustrated because I know what she has in her and what I get. I shouldn't have to be the one to start. I also wish she was the kind of woman who would masterbate, who wants and needs and like sex enough to make it more of a priority.

Days Drag On

I'm still waiting to get our car back. I got the tranny, now it's just a matter of getting it in. Sqt. Pepper in quarantine, and I am totally pissed off. Wanda is a real asshole, and when people show their true colors sometimes they are simply worthy of disgust. And Sarah is still dealing with Bebo being a jerkoff to her, putting up with shit and chasing pills, just like Kenny said, like a cat going to a full bowl of food. She needs to get away from him and that house.
And worst of all Alex is just out of control. Judy has him so babied and spoiled and has mitigated and made excuses for so long he thinks he can get away with being lazy and having everyone do for and fix everything for him and that he doesn't have to work hard for anything. I try to explain things to Judy and get the normal "hush" and other evasive shit that I am so accustomed to. She fails to see, and used sick as an excuse to get away with lazy, and I am simply sick of the dysfunction I am surrounded by so much that I just want to pack up and go.
I need away from all of this shit before it kills me, and I don't care what happens to this house. I can't stand this house, or this city. Human sickness is normal here, and I am sad and depressed just knowing that I am stuck here for the time being. I have never seen a society so sick in so many ways, and I am well traveled. I should have followed my instincts a long time ago and got out. Now it is my only intention, my only goal. A move would fix so much. This just isn't how people were meant to live.
I know what I want and what I deserve, and I intend to have it. I'm not going to carry dead weight anymore either. If you ain't helping, you're hurting, and I refuse to be hurt by anyone or this life like this anymore.
We need to sell before we lose everything. If I had a family that helped me and didn't make so many life problems I could have had things so much better for all of us, and most of it revolves around Judy's depression. It has taken down this family. But try to tell her and get her to change ANYTHING is like trying to change the color of the sky. She admits no wrongs, ever, and there is such a lack of humility. What there is is someone depressed and slothy taking up couch space allowing the world to fall apart and wanting to talk about everyone's problems except her own. They never get addressed or changed. The good qualities don't always outweigh the bad ones, and I am sick of living with someone that is dead weight.
Sarah has her problems that way too, and I used to be an enabler and bang the drum and do more, but no more. I clean a thing and it gets nastier than it was when I first cleaned it with me being gone just a few hours. Alex destroys everything and she lets him and then instead of making him take responsibility I have to fight her because "he's having a hard time". So she kisses his ass and he now treats her like shit. So I put my foot down and he has an episode, and I am the bad guy, while she crumbles.
Then she talks about her good intentions. I can take those good intentions and a dollar and have to pay twice for the coffee it would buy. Good intentions without any real or with just half-hearted action don't amount to shit. I'm just fed up. I need out, now, before I lose everything or die from a stress heart-attack.
All my warnings, so unheeded, come true, and still she is too blind to see. I am sick of all of it and would rather lose everything than to spend my life with someone who thinks life is a free ride and just takes from me giving so little back.
She has fucked up Alex and doesn't see it.
He is the only reason I stay. I signed up for in sickness and in health, but not for stupidity or malice, and it feels like malice.
I used to be so happy and cheerful and carefree, and I blame her that that is gone for the most part. I want me back, and I will get back to me. Let her have to work again and start over like she did to me ten years ago for a year when she stole everything from me and betrayed me for pill people. it is that lack of humility and submission that goes with love that is her worst trait, and I can't do anything in the state she has brought us to by the steady creation of problems and lack of help for years now. I could list examples, like losing work for pill issues or other bullshit, like running to the store for hours when I needed the car, spending money I needed for supplies on bullshit that could wait, and simply just complicating life that I hate being here and am afraid to leave because some disaster will happen as soon as I'm gone, which includes her sleeping on the couch when she needs to be a mother.
No more excuses. I am resentful and I am starting to hate more than love, and I won't let anyone destroy that in me any more.

More Drama

Wanda came over and was her normal loud self, and she got behind me and made a gesture when my back was to her where she did some sexual dance floor giggle shit putting her arms on my hips and Sqt. Pepper I guess thought she was attacking me and he bit her, so our dog is in quarintine by the city and Wanda, who was hunting for pills, made excuses about the money she owes me and isn't paying and I guess she thinks that our dog is dangerous and is doing the world a favor, and maybe has dollar signs in her eyes, so Sqt. Pepper has to have a dangerous dog hearing.
She is a certifiable nut job anyway, and I really don't like her. I think she's obnoxious and selfish so we're at war. I am sick of asshole people. The only sane people I even associate with in my neighborhood are Sarah, Kenny, Darryl, and Henry. Everyone else I'd say could suck my dick or kiss my ass, but I wouldn't even give them that pleasure. This neighborhood is a collection of sneaky worthless pieces of shit, and you can keep Florida, this part of it anyway.
I make the joke that moving to Jacksonville was moving into a tropical depression, and I mean that.
Sarah has been sick now that there isn't a steady supply of pills making it her way. I allow her to get one a day so she doesn't get too sick, and Judy is doing fairly well on four or five, but it is better for everyone if they BOTH get off that shit. Their heads will eventually clear, and all the kids and I will have better out of them in the long run.
I am still talking to Sarah about getting away from Chris, but she's brainwashed and thinks that it would be wrong to take the kids away from their dad. Thing is he isn't a father or a dad. He is a sperm donor who invests so little in them it is sickening.
Sarah circles around people who are pill heads to get her "fix", and that is standard junkie behavior. Kenny was right when he told Judy that it's like a cat going to where it gets fed, but the poor cat is eating poison, and it is sad to see what pills and depression do to these women.
It falls on me to be the pill Nazi, pill police, or whatever..... but if I don't take charge of them they will only get worse. Judy I have a direct control over, and I wish I had that control over Sarah as well, so I could fix her like I am now fixing Judy.
They really are a lot alike in so many ways, and I don't think Sarah would easily find a guy to take her away from all the bullshit, which means her beautiful girls will have Chris as a male role model. That means they will wind up fucked up. I think Judy understands my point more as time goes by, and I think she would get many rewards having a friend so close and those beautiful girls as part of our lives, even on the terms I want.
Sarah admits to me she loves me and wants me, and Chris isn't the thing she feels guilty about. She doesn't want to hurt Judy, and she has been scarce because we both think she doesn't want to ask for pills from us even when she is sick, and is maybe a bit embarrassed about it all. It must be a low feeling and hurt your self-esteem to be hooked on and need pills, be put down all the time by someone who gave you children and maybe even loves you but treats you like shit all the time, and does everything to control you.
But Judy is really trying more. It doesn't change how I feel about what I want, and I don't see it as a betrayal in any way to love and want Sarah in my life because I want her in our life, and the reasons are because everyone would do better if we ally ourselves with each other and let love take us where it will. Sex I could get anywhere, but love and companionship not. It would simplify our lives if we all teamed up, not complicate it. A driver and a mechanic can't win a race without a pit crew, and you can't win a baseball game with just a pitcher and a catcher. You need a team, and if you are all loyal to each other it works our so much better.
Pressure makes stress, and stress destroys mental and physical and spiritual health. But when you act like a team you have to be humble enough to not let ego or other petty emotions get in the way. When you allow yourself to embrace your own humility and shortcomings and let those who love you help you, and they actually act in your best interests and come through for you, everybody wins.
It will take time to win my cases, but when I do we will eventually sell, move, and find a better life, and build a better life, and I hope Sarah joins us because I see her and Judy as being best friends that make each other better, and me as the one who makes it possible for everything to fall into place for all of us. I think that once we do make a move and have a place for her that she will take up on the offer, and I think her bad habits will vanish like some of Judy's are. I never have given up on Judy, and she has gotten bad over the pill shit, and it is slowly killing her. If I left she might fall apart, and I made a vow to stick it out and love her, and that is what I am doing. I could easily just pack up and leave and find a woman that would be glad to have a guy like me, but I made a commitment and you don't fall in and promise love then bail when things get tough. In sickness and health is what they say, and pills have been a really bad sickness that I hate. I hate junkies and they make me sick, but they are sick, so it is like hating cancer or leukemia or a heart attack. If I can reduce or eliminate these nasty-ass pills, I walk away with the woman I fell in love with and married, and if I get Sarah as well, then I get love times two, Judy gets a partner who is a best friend to share all that girl stuff on a level that so few people ever get to share, and we have a a partnership that makes life more enriching for all of us. I just hope Judy starts to see the logic and soundness of my view in this and that Sarah gets honest enough with her to tell her she loves me and would like the idea.
The real joy would be if Judy and her had some physical elements to their relationship. Judy says she doesn't have any desire for that, and I think that is part of the repressive South thing, but if she can get past gender and just be thankful that there is love working there that it would give them an intimacy that makes them two halves of one whole. Pleasure is pleasure, and intimacy is intimacy, and love is love, and when you hit a certain level of closeness it can be a beautiful thing to share friendship love sex with someone. I don't think it would ever be romance, but hell, Judy and I still have great sex and it's like pulling teeth to get her to have sex now.
She allows too much weight from bullshit to effect her sexual side, and mental-pause has taken some of her sex drive, methadone even more, and depression the rest. My philosophy is to keep romance in the bedroom, not your daily problems. Sex heals, gets rid of stress, builds bonds, and is something that is just good no matter how you look at it, that is, unless it is a tool to control or weapon to take from someone, and the selfish and jealous and insecure do that. I think when life gets better that her sex drive will get better as well, but until I am getting woken up with head at least once a week because kitty needs to be pet I won't be happy, and neither will she. Sarah has also lost some of her desire for sex. She says she just doesn't want it like she used to, and that is stress and being put down and pills in her as well.
Well, if these two were in a life like I want to make for us they would be so happy and I would be doing so right by them that they would be wanting to reward me with passion and tenderness and love, and if they could see it as when one provides that or shares it with me they both do, then they would make me such a happy man that I would be rewarding them by being almost a servant to them and doing the romantic stuff as the happy whirling dervish I once was, leaving a wake of happiness and laughter, and being the father I am, and being motivated to do those great things, well, it could be magical. The energy that it would create in me wuld do us all good, and Judy would find freedom in it.
I have that good decent loving kind strong man inside of me with little means to express it, and my own life depresses me and I carry that and hide it as best I can, and I do get angry because most of all it is there and I can't live it, and no one listens to me or lets me lead. I like it that Judy is independent and speaks her mind, but she needs some humility and to allow me to do my job and just back me up more. I'm right about more than she admits I am, and have been all along. It's just not her nature to submit even when she's wrong.
But I intend to break down and through those walls and fix everything, and be open to whatever changes come, and make the best of it all.
Right now I have to deal with saving Sgt. Pepper, getting the car fixed, paying bills in a bad economy with no working car, solving legal issues, fixing Alex, winning cases, and so many other little things that if i didn't have this resolve I'd jump off a bridge. I am getting my partner back slowly, and I missed her. I just have so much work to do.

I think I got Carmello's mom's house knocked out... did the deck and porch and picnic table, and they look good. grass is cut and garage is cleaned out. Now they can rent it out, but carmello and I both agree they just need to sell it. Tomorrow I am using the chain saw at the Blairmore house, and one more punch at Karen Street and it is all done.
My wars in the courts are going well, and while things take time, I expect to get money before long. That will facilitate everything I need to fix.....
I am having to watch every pill Judy gets, which sucks but what the hell... better than me not being babysitter.
But the bitch is rising up in her again. Her biggest problem and what I hate the most is her lack of any real humility. You can't be loving without some submission and compromise, and she has so little of that. I know what I need, and I intend to have a lifestyle I want, so she needs to get on the bus, because I rule this now, because at this point it is earned.
Expect betty's roof job to start before long...
That's another jump forward at least.

It's a blunderful life...

Waiting on news... spoke with John, the attorney representing WalMart and gave him a 24hour offer of $20K to settle with Wally World. That would be nice, to get 20 grand in a week's time. That would set in motion the move to get out of Jacksonville and get my farm, and right so much of what is wrong. Money only solves what you make it solve, so there is much more to work on, and there will be no splurging with it either. It is almost all earmarked to set up life so it does work.
Besides what I want for myself, the most important things are what I provide and build for Alex and Judy. Judy doesn't get a penny until she stops smoking, which I imagine will piss her off to no end, but that is the deal. I will have the luxury of time and resources to work on Alex, get him in situations that will bring him back out of his anger and defiance. I understand why he is like he is, he feels shortchanged, but he was spoiled, and got too many free passes, and I will assert the firm hand and have the resources to be able to invest more time in him, and fix what I think went wrong.
I put down law and Judy gives in trying to make deals that never get enforced, and Alex needs a firm hand that she just doesn't have the ability or will to apply.
That is why men have the roles they do, and why the "freedom" and "power" women assert, I think, came upon society too fast for us to adjust. There are too many single parent families, so kids miss out on the balance men and women create. Everyone is so hung up on their "personal space" and "freedom" that they all, men and women, became self-centered flakes or twisted think that 'time-outs' can replace a good ass spanking when it is needed. Kids need limits, and need a boot in their asses when they get disrespectful. Time-outs suck, because it mitigates repercussions that are a natural part of life. As a result, there is so little respect from person to person.
But I am the unusual one, being so liberal in some views and so conservative in others. I am a Unitarian that believes in God and a democrat that believes in being a fiscal conservative. I accept a woman's right to choose but hate the idea of abortion, and like the idea of a modified flat tax. Maybe I'll start my own political party and call it the Pragmatists....
Sarah came over and worked and only got four pills for 3 hours work. But then again, if that seems like low pay, where the fuck is my wallet, and Judy's pills?
She needs away from Chris and his mother and all the drug heads selfish waste fucks that hang out over there, and if she does get away I think she'd transform. Judy and her could fix things wrong in each other because they are so alike in so many ways, and work well off each other, and everyone under one roof would make a healthy house. But I have said that over and over. That I see as the best way to fix things, but the main focus I have is on Alex, then my wife, then that life, and whatever may fit into it and enhance it.
But I am tired and need a bath.....so I pause...
....and I'm back. Judy and I made love again, and we're back to decent sex. It is really good for her, but not enough for me. I just want more than a fuck and a nut. I want some chow time, and I like it at least twice, because after my first creaming I always have the urge to get the rest expressed. It's like milking a cow halfway. The cow is like..."empty this shit out of me, p-p-pleaseeeee".
I wake up at 4 am stiff and throbbing and I guess it like builds up like pressure on a bladder or something. So if a man like me, not happy unless he gets honestly drained nightly, has a woman who wants just a flirt and a squirt and is done, well she has a duty to make sure I am satisfied at least 1 out of 3 tuimes the way I want it, or she herself should be finding someone for me to finish the job or take care of me...
So I want that to be (that being lovemaking and sexual release and fulfillment that my wife has never really addressed) to be taken care of not by random strangers or secret lovers, but to share myself and give myself to someone I like or love, and that is what Judy should be recognizing and doing. Yeah, there are surely some others who could take care of that aspect as well, and if that is released I am at peace, content, happy, motivated, chipper, satisfied, and feeling appreciated and taken care of. It hits a reset button in me and nothing bad bothers me so bad. Even my physical pains seem to vanish. It it makes me healthy, then it needs to be done, and I don't want to lose my wife just because she refuses to give me sexual satisfaction on my terms.
"I know you are hungry, but here are some scraps. Granted they will not make your hunger go away, but it is just enough food to keep you from starving. Your hunger pains you just have to live with, just be thankful they are tasty. Now swallow it so quickly that you barely get a taste and worship me for giving you a single bite of food once a week or so...."
what the fuck!
Hey, if someone comes along with food you will eat, and if someone has a favorite food of yours, even better. I live in that hunger and thirst. I have used other pleasures to compensate, like real food, which has had worse effects. I intend to get my fill from time to time. That means I might still experience that hunger, but it also means that when I can feast sometimes, then no one better say "you can't eat" when they are hoarding a feast and letting it spoil.

I love this, when a thought flashes a song.....
How Soon Is Now by the Cure

I am the son
and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

I am the son
and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and the heir
of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

There's a club if you'd like to go
you could meet somebody who really loves you
so you go, and you stand on your own
and you leave on your own
and you go home, and you cry
and you want to die

When you say it's gonna happen "now"
well, when exactly do you mean?
see I've already waited too long
and all my hope is gone

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

For the first time since BuSHIT stole the presidency with the rest of the right wing fuckheads, I filed my taxes, and on time. I just had this block thing where I couldn't give to our government because it was at first illegal, then stupid. It isn't an excuse, it's a reason.
WalMart continues to violate the sound laws, which is great for the suit, and I just wish they would go ahead and settle with me. I could really use the cash right about now.
And last night, making love to my wife, is still on my mind. Naturally, with my sex drive and overly romantic and erotic heart, I want more, but I like it that I am starting to get back to passion with Judy. Yes, I do want my cake, and to eat it, among other thing, too.
I think sometimes that level of getting what you really want is deserved. I have endured years of depression and pill drama and lost and stolen dream and beat the drum, often in physical pain and past and through my own depression. I keep silent about most of it, and am apt to express anger when I feel it so it doesn't fester and grow in me, and my views are so far off the wall that I don't seem like I'm from this age or culture, but that is my way, and I like my way and think there is honor and honesty and dignity in it.
But love and romance and tenderness and physical satisfaction, and peace at home and responsibility and duty being expressed all serve to motivate me and allow me to give what is best in me to others, and the honesty I can now express without her being such a bitch about it makes me want to give her more of what is best in me, it energizes me and gives me the desire to give her what she needs from me on those levels. She may not like it and it might hurt her that I also want my bed bigger and more open, but I want that with her, and if just being honest about that allows me to give her so much more of the me that she fell in love with, how much better will I be if I actually get the life I want for myself? How much more of the life and "me" she wants will be there when I am hitting on all cylinders?
I think giving her that side on me is better than her getting me unhappy and unfulfilled, because everything then comes out tainted and sad and resentful because I then see her as the thing keeping me from life as I have always wanted it. My deepest loyalty is to the love that I feel and give, and that is starting to come back to me. Judy is becoming a partner again after years of dark clouds. Now if I can just get Alex to apply himself, life would be so much better. I had a good talk with him tonight, but you can't force some things.