More Drama

Wanda came over and was her normal loud self, and she got behind me and made a gesture when my back was to her where she did some sexual dance floor giggle shit putting her arms on my hips and Sqt. Pepper I guess thought she was attacking me and he bit her, so our dog is in quarintine by the city and Wanda, who was hunting for pills, made excuses about the money she owes me and isn't paying and I guess she thinks that our dog is dangerous and is doing the world a favor, and maybe has dollar signs in her eyes, so Sqt. Pepper has to have a dangerous dog hearing.
She is a certifiable nut job anyway, and I really don't like her. I think she's obnoxious and selfish so we're at war. I am sick of asshole people. The only sane people I even associate with in my neighborhood are Sarah, Kenny, Darryl, and Henry. Everyone else I'd say could suck my dick or kiss my ass, but I wouldn't even give them that pleasure. This neighborhood is a collection of sneaky worthless pieces of shit, and you can keep Florida, this part of it anyway.
I make the joke that moving to Jacksonville was moving into a tropical depression, and I mean that.
Sarah has been sick now that there isn't a steady supply of pills making it her way. I allow her to get one a day so she doesn't get too sick, and Judy is doing fairly well on four or five, but it is better for everyone if they BOTH get off that shit. Their heads will eventually clear, and all the kids and I will have better out of them in the long run.
I am still talking to Sarah about getting away from Chris, but she's brainwashed and thinks that it would be wrong to take the kids away from their dad. Thing is he isn't a father or a dad. He is a sperm donor who invests so little in them it is sickening.
Sarah circles around people who are pill heads to get her "fix", and that is standard junkie behavior. Kenny was right when he told Judy that it's like a cat going to where it gets fed, but the poor cat is eating poison, and it is sad to see what pills and depression do to these women.
It falls on me to be the pill Nazi, pill police, or whatever..... but if I don't take charge of them they will only get worse. Judy I have a direct control over, and I wish I had that control over Sarah as well, so I could fix her like I am now fixing Judy.
They really are a lot alike in so many ways, and I don't think Sarah would easily find a guy to take her away from all the bullshit, which means her beautiful girls will have Chris as a male role model. That means they will wind up fucked up. I think Judy understands my point more as time goes by, and I think she would get many rewards having a friend so close and those beautiful girls as part of our lives, even on the terms I want.
Sarah admits to me she loves me and wants me, and Chris isn't the thing she feels guilty about. She doesn't want to hurt Judy, and she has been scarce because we both think she doesn't want to ask for pills from us even when she is sick, and is maybe a bit embarrassed about it all. It must be a low feeling and hurt your self-esteem to be hooked on and need pills, be put down all the time by someone who gave you children and maybe even loves you but treats you like shit all the time, and does everything to control you.
But Judy is really trying more. It doesn't change how I feel about what I want, and I don't see it as a betrayal in any way to love and want Sarah in my life because I want her in our life, and the reasons are because everyone would do better if we ally ourselves with each other and let love take us where it will. Sex I could get anywhere, but love and companionship not. It would simplify our lives if we all teamed up, not complicate it. A driver and a mechanic can't win a race without a pit crew, and you can't win a baseball game with just a pitcher and a catcher. You need a team, and if you are all loyal to each other it works our so much better.
Pressure makes stress, and stress destroys mental and physical and spiritual health. But when you act like a team you have to be humble enough to not let ego or other petty emotions get in the way. When you allow yourself to embrace your own humility and shortcomings and let those who love you help you, and they actually act in your best interests and come through for you, everybody wins.
It will take time to win my cases, but when I do we will eventually sell, move, and find a better life, and build a better life, and I hope Sarah joins us because I see her and Judy as being best friends that make each other better, and me as the one who makes it possible for everything to fall into place for all of us. I think that once we do make a move and have a place for her that she will take up on the offer, and I think her bad habits will vanish like some of Judy's are. I never have given up on Judy, and she has gotten bad over the pill shit, and it is slowly killing her. If I left she might fall apart, and I made a vow to stick it out and love her, and that is what I am doing. I could easily just pack up and leave and find a woman that would be glad to have a guy like me, but I made a commitment and you don't fall in and promise love then bail when things get tough. In sickness and health is what they say, and pills have been a really bad sickness that I hate. I hate junkies and they make me sick, but they are sick, so it is like hating cancer or leukemia or a heart attack. If I can reduce or eliminate these nasty-ass pills, I walk away with the woman I fell in love with and married, and if I get Sarah as well, then I get love times two, Judy gets a partner who is a best friend to share all that girl stuff on a level that so few people ever get to share, and we have a a partnership that makes life more enriching for all of us. I just hope Judy starts to see the logic and soundness of my view in this and that Sarah gets honest enough with her to tell her she loves me and would like the idea.
The real joy would be if Judy and her had some physical elements to their relationship. Judy says she doesn't have any desire for that, and I think that is part of the repressive South thing, but if she can get past gender and just be thankful that there is love working there that it would give them an intimacy that makes them two halves of one whole. Pleasure is pleasure, and intimacy is intimacy, and love is love, and when you hit a certain level of closeness it can be a beautiful thing to share friendship love sex with someone. I don't think it would ever be romance, but hell, Judy and I still have great sex and it's like pulling teeth to get her to have sex now.
She allows too much weight from bullshit to effect her sexual side, and mental-pause has taken some of her sex drive, methadone even more, and depression the rest. My philosophy is to keep romance in the bedroom, not your daily problems. Sex heals, gets rid of stress, builds bonds, and is something that is just good no matter how you look at it, that is, unless it is a tool to control or weapon to take from someone, and the selfish and jealous and insecure do that. I think when life gets better that her sex drive will get better as well, but until I am getting woken up with head at least once a week because kitty needs to be pet I won't be happy, and neither will she. Sarah has also lost some of her desire for sex. She says she just doesn't want it like she used to, and that is stress and being put down and pills in her as well.
Well, if these two were in a life like I want to make for us they would be so happy and I would be doing so right by them that they would be wanting to reward me with passion and tenderness and love, and if they could see it as when one provides that or shares it with me they both do, then they would make me such a happy man that I would be rewarding them by being almost a servant to them and doing the romantic stuff as the happy whirling dervish I once was, leaving a wake of happiness and laughter, and being the father I am, and being motivated to do those great things, well, it could be magical. The energy that it would create in me wuld do us all good, and Judy would find freedom in it.
I have that good decent loving kind strong man inside of me with little means to express it, and my own life depresses me and I carry that and hide it as best I can, and I do get angry because most of all it is there and I can't live it, and no one listens to me or lets me lead. I like it that Judy is independent and speaks her mind, but she needs some humility and to allow me to do my job and just back me up more. I'm right about more than she admits I am, and have been all along. It's just not her nature to submit even when she's wrong.
But I intend to break down and through those walls and fix everything, and be open to whatever changes come, and make the best of it all.
Right now I have to deal with saving Sgt. Pepper, getting the car fixed, paying bills in a bad economy with no working car, solving legal issues, fixing Alex, winning cases, and so many other little things that if i didn't have this resolve I'd jump off a bridge. I am getting my partner back slowly, and I missed her. I just have so much work to do.

I think I got Carmello's mom's house knocked out... did the deck and porch and picnic table, and they look good. grass is cut and garage is cleaned out. Now they can rent it out, but carmello and I both agree they just need to sell it. Tomorrow I am using the chain saw at the Blairmore house, and one more punch at Karen Street and it is all done.
My wars in the courts are going well, and while things take time, I expect to get money before long. That will facilitate everything I need to fix.....
I am having to watch every pill Judy gets, which sucks but what the hell... better than me not being babysitter.
But the bitch is rising up in her again. Her biggest problem and what I hate the most is her lack of any real humility. You can't be loving without some submission and compromise, and she has so little of that. I know what I need, and I intend to have a lifestyle I want, so she needs to get on the bus, because I rule this now, because at this point it is earned.
Expect betty's roof job to start before long...
That's another jump forward at least.

It's a blunderful life...

Waiting on news... spoke with John, the attorney representing WalMart and gave him a 24hour offer of $20K to settle with Wally World. That would be nice, to get 20 grand in a week's time. That would set in motion the move to get out of Jacksonville and get my farm, and right so much of what is wrong. Money only solves what you make it solve, so there is much more to work on, and there will be no splurging with it either. It is almost all earmarked to set up life so it does work.
Besides what I want for myself, the most important things are what I provide and build for Alex and Judy. Judy doesn't get a penny until she stops smoking, which I imagine will piss her off to no end, but that is the deal. I will have the luxury of time and resources to work on Alex, get him in situations that will bring him back out of his anger and defiance. I understand why he is like he is, he feels shortchanged, but he was spoiled, and got too many free passes, and I will assert the firm hand and have the resources to be able to invest more time in him, and fix what I think went wrong.
I put down law and Judy gives in trying to make deals that never get enforced, and Alex needs a firm hand that she just doesn't have the ability or will to apply.
That is why men have the roles they do, and why the "freedom" and "power" women assert, I think, came upon society too fast for us to adjust. There are too many single parent families, so kids miss out on the balance men and women create. Everyone is so hung up on their "personal space" and "freedom" that they all, men and women, became self-centered flakes or twisted think that 'time-outs' can replace a good ass spanking when it is needed. Kids need limits, and need a boot in their asses when they get disrespectful. Time-outs suck, because it mitigates repercussions that are a natural part of life. As a result, there is so little respect from person to person.
But I am the unusual one, being so liberal in some views and so conservative in others. I am a Unitarian that believes in God and a democrat that believes in being a fiscal conservative. I accept a woman's right to choose but hate the idea of abortion, and like the idea of a modified flat tax. Maybe I'll start my own political party and call it the Pragmatists....
Sarah came over and worked and only got four pills for 3 hours work. But then again, if that seems like low pay, where the fuck is my wallet, and Judy's pills?
She needs away from Chris and his mother and all the drug heads selfish waste fucks that hang out over there, and if she does get away I think she'd transform. Judy and her could fix things wrong in each other because they are so alike in so many ways, and work well off each other, and everyone under one roof would make a healthy house. But I have said that over and over. That I see as the best way to fix things, but the main focus I have is on Alex, then my wife, then that life, and whatever may fit into it and enhance it.
But I am tired and need a bath.....so I pause...
....and I'm back. Judy and I made love again, and we're back to decent sex. It is really good for her, but not enough for me. I just want more than a fuck and a nut. I want some chow time, and I like it at least twice, because after my first creaming I always have the urge to get the rest expressed. It's like milking a cow halfway. The cow is like..."empty this shit out of me, p-p-pleaseeeee".
I wake up at 4 am stiff and throbbing and I guess it like builds up like pressure on a bladder or something. So if a man like me, not happy unless he gets honestly drained nightly, has a woman who wants just a flirt and a squirt and is done, well she has a duty to make sure I am satisfied at least 1 out of 3 tuimes the way I want it, or she herself should be finding someone for me to finish the job or take care of me...
So I want that to be (that being lovemaking and sexual release and fulfillment that my wife has never really addressed) to be taken care of not by random strangers or secret lovers, but to share myself and give myself to someone I like or love, and that is what Judy should be recognizing and doing. Yeah, there are surely some others who could take care of that aspect as well, and if that is released I am at peace, content, happy, motivated, chipper, satisfied, and feeling appreciated and taken care of. It hits a reset button in me and nothing bad bothers me so bad. Even my physical pains seem to vanish. It it makes me healthy, then it needs to be done, and I don't want to lose my wife just because she refuses to give me sexual satisfaction on my terms.
"I know you are hungry, but here are some scraps. Granted they will not make your hunger go away, but it is just enough food to keep you from starving. Your hunger pains you just have to live with, just be thankful they are tasty. Now swallow it so quickly that you barely get a taste and worship me for giving you a single bite of food once a week or so...."
what the fuck!
Hey, if someone comes along with food you will eat, and if someone has a favorite food of yours, even better. I live in that hunger and thirst. I have used other pleasures to compensate, like real food, which has had worse effects. I intend to get my fill from time to time. That means I might still experience that hunger, but it also means that when I can feast sometimes, then no one better say "you can't eat" when they are hoarding a feast and letting it spoil.

I love this, when a thought flashes a song.....
How Soon Is Now by the Cure

I am the son
and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

I am the son
and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and the heir
of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

There's a club if you'd like to go
you could meet somebody who really loves you
so you go, and you stand on your own
and you leave on your own
and you go home, and you cry
and you want to die

When you say it's gonna happen "now"
well, when exactly do you mean?
see I've already waited too long
and all my hope is gone

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

For the first time since BuSHIT stole the presidency with the rest of the right wing fuckheads, I filed my taxes, and on time. I just had this block thing where I couldn't give to our government because it was at first illegal, then stupid. It isn't an excuse, it's a reason.
WalMart continues to violate the sound laws, which is great for the suit, and I just wish they would go ahead and settle with me. I could really use the cash right about now.
And last night, making love to my wife, is still on my mind. Naturally, with my sex drive and overly romantic and erotic heart, I want more, but I like it that I am starting to get back to passion with Judy. Yes, I do want my cake, and to eat it, among other thing, too.
I think sometimes that level of getting what you really want is deserved. I have endured years of depression and pill drama and lost and stolen dream and beat the drum, often in physical pain and past and through my own depression. I keep silent about most of it, and am apt to express anger when I feel it so it doesn't fester and grow in me, and my views are so far off the wall that I don't seem like I'm from this age or culture, but that is my way, and I like my way and think there is honor and honesty and dignity in it.
But love and romance and tenderness and physical satisfaction, and peace at home and responsibility and duty being expressed all serve to motivate me and allow me to give what is best in me to others, and the honesty I can now express without her being such a bitch about it makes me want to give her more of what is best in me, it energizes me and gives me the desire to give her what she needs from me on those levels. She may not like it and it might hurt her that I also want my bed bigger and more open, but I want that with her, and if just being honest about that allows me to give her so much more of the me that she fell in love with, how much better will I be if I actually get the life I want for myself? How much more of the life and "me" she wants will be there when I am hitting on all cylinders?
I think giving her that side on me is better than her getting me unhappy and unfulfilled, because everything then comes out tainted and sad and resentful because I then see her as the thing keeping me from life as I have always wanted it. My deepest loyalty is to the love that I feel and give, and that is starting to come back to me. Judy is becoming a partner again after years of dark clouds. Now if I can just get Alex to apply himself, life would be so much better. I had a good talk with him tonight, but you can't force some things.

That's It!

Today was a fairly good day. Judy went to Dr Day and got her meds, so is as close to normal as she can be. I saw Sarah today, who has been scarce since pills came up missing. We understand what pills and a life with Chris can do to someone, and understand she withdraws as well, but damn. And Sarah knows we love her. Still she needs to come off of a few lies and just come clean. She also needs to get away from Chris. And I saw Amanda, and she seems to be in somewhat better spirits. Josh came over with Andrew and two other guys, and Sgt. Pepper bit him, and all the dogs just didn't like Josh. They hate Chris as well. Leave it to dogs to be a great judge of character. I'll trust a dog before anything usually. Instinct is there for a reason, and it works.
I trust my instincts about people usually, and how do you tell some people that the people they hang with are wrong for them? Me, I'm usually very blunt, but some people want to be so non-offensive and understand that they allow others to get away with the worst transgressions. Women seems often to like guys who are mean or bad for them, and from experience can tell you that when you are too nice they take advantage of it. Southern women are especially acclimated to abusive men as the norm, when where I'm from not so much.
I put in the new desk and moved the computer and all, and it is better. And tonight Judy and I made love, and I don't know how much was mood and how much was position, but I hit that thing just right. She melted. Now, if I can get that, sometimes in marathons, with more head and oral, and a few more times a day, I'd be much happier. But even if I did I would want the extra I want because I want that because of the "daddy-man" father-husband mindset I have and how much I love the role I am pretty good at, part is that Knight in Tainted Armour on his trusty Old Gray Shire coming in to save the Bitch Princesses I adore so much, and because my love and who I love has grown to more than one. That I can't help, it is there, and if I ever get to live that they will just wind up with such a decent and happy and giving guy to share. Judy will always be #1, but she caps me at a level that is too low is what I need.
Love can be a big and unusual thing.
But man I grinded Judy for like 20 minutes then my arm cramped when I moved fast in a weird direction, and it felt like I pulled a muscle in my right shoulder down to my wrist. Once that past I got another 15 minuets and we came together like we usually do, but watch for the toe curl. When Judy cums she tightens her pussy in a way she can't fake, so I know, and can never be lied to about how good I get her off. I am, for some reason, more content when I can smell the scent of pussy in my beard as well. I could get pussy ten times a day and crave more, and since this is a natural thing I think it is normal. I don't lose sleep when I get what I need either, but sleep through the night and wake up well rested and ready to attack the day.
But at least tonight wasn't too quick. Not the hour plus and three gasams for me I crave and can be satisfied with, but much closer considering.

Easter... Spring... rebirths...

It will officially be Easter in one hour.
But I can feel the rebirth starting. Judy is on three methadones a day because the emergency ones she got, well, 10 of them vanished. She and I both think it is Sarah, and that she acts from desperation, and she's addicted and without, and being around Chris and dealing with everything has made her sometimes do things she wouldn't if she was fixed. That might hurt her, and these words might, but reality is what it is, and we all are human, and we love her, because inside we both know how beautiful a person and great a mother she is. Most others would have fallen down way further. It is a wonder she can smile half the time with what she has to endure from Chris and her mother-in-law and life in general.
So forgive? I don't have to, just like I don't have to forgive Judy for fucking up her pills. You can't fault someone for what really is a sickness and a disease. You help them overcome it. That's just another reason to have both under one roof, because they can help each other be strong and that would take pressure off of me, and because, well with just a fraction of submission of allowing a man to take the lead a little, I can give them what they need from a man in love and companionship, that all of it together would just make life wonderful for all of us.
I'm in NO WAY saying I want a submissive puppet. On the contrary. I want them to let me run and fix and help with what I am good at, and in return I will submit to them, to their needs and even to their will somewhat. But the two of them together is what is best for them, and me, and the kids.
John betrayed Amanda, and is stealing from her, but the thing that is different is that at least Sarah tries and will work. John just drifts. No direction. Sarah at least is willing to work for it to a degree. She is in a trap, but John isn't, and that is the biggest difference.
But even I have fallen, so I can speak to this. I have regrets and have made mistakes, but that's okay because it allows me to understand and relate and be able and justified in offering advice.
Judy on three a day doesn't work that well, and I am still left with a stiff dick and no cuddles. I need and want both. I deserve both.
Judy just got up and asked me to be Easter Bunny this year. Guess it's off to SmallHeart (WalMart) to get goodies in about an hour.
And why is like fucking pulling teeth to get Alex to do his homework? He knows better! This is why my word has to be law. I demand that the right thing be done, and just now I am in an exchange with Judy over ice cream. I told her to write down what she wants and still the mouth about explaining it... damn you woman just write it down or don't expect me to get it. It is that defiance and her undermining me and questioning my authority in front of him that allows him to feel justified in fighting and her giving in all the time that makes him think he can bully his way with defiance. She is just so blind.
That is why men need to have the lead role when they are so suited. Not all men are. But that natural order to things that has been fucked up by women getting empowered and taking away a man's authority then not having the backbone to be strict when that needs to happen that has fucked up so many marriages and kids and families. A real man has a duty to honor and care for his family and wife, and the wife to be supportive and help guide, but it takes a type of teamwork that has vanished and the end result is a generation of kids with no respect for anyone or anything, who take everything for granted. I don't think many men know how to be good men anymore either. A real man can be strong and firm without being abusive, but it sucks when being strong and demanding gets called abusive and mean, and then kids learn that they don't have to follow rules or face consequences that things go so wrong.
If a kid mouths off at an adult who is deserving of respect they sometimes need their teeth knocked down their throats. Sometimes those ramifications for wrong acts are so needed. Even in the Bible with spare the rod spoil the child, this has been known for ages... but now you are a bad guy if you don't kiss their asses, even when they are wrong, and then what do you do. If Alex won't obey out of a desire to or love, then it will be out of respect, and if not out of that, then out of fear until it sinks in and he is respectful automatically. And you need a united front in that. I don't get that. Women need to let men run that when the man is able to and right in doing it. It is our job. I am progressive and fair, but damn it, you can't kiss their asses or let children have that kind of power over your family.
That's why I think the way things are in "modern" society are wrong. I can show how they don't work, and prove my points. That and people in general try to be so politically correct that everything winds up wrong. We have lost so much, and it is a fine line walking between being liberal and having conservative family values. Freedom stops when you infringe upon the rights of others. If someone infringes, that also means the right to kick their ass to get them in line, and defending against others being intruded upon.
It becomes a matter of responsibility.
But here I am, denied sexual release and the comfort of a loving embrace and being held as I sleep, and that is theft to me. If she won't, then she not only needs to allow someone else to provide that but should be arranging it. If not, it is stealing from me. I have only so many years on this earth and I am not one designed to be or happy sleeping alone. I won't divorce just because I don't have that, but I refuse to waste any more time living without it either, and even a night every once in a while with someone I like, love, and care about fills so many gaps.
That's a lack of respect as well. If people were more concerned about who they say they love instead of themselves everything would work so much better for everyone.
It's all just so frustrating....

I feel good about how much work I've been able to get done lately. I have Carmello's mom's house just about completely painted inside and out, and it looks really good. It feels great being able to give back a little to him because he's always there when I need him, like I am always there for him. That is how things should work. Carmello understands me really well, and even though I am really democrat, he respects most of my views, and I think I have given him some real understanding into a pragmatic approach to government. I have loads of furniture and stuff from there as well. His sister moved out from his mom's house and she went into a retirement center, because she is losing money in a big 4/2 and it's just too big for just her. The best thing by far is the sofa and love seat, which is green. It's funny that a post I made a while back mentions seeing the living room in green instead of blue, and the green I saw in the dream was that same green.
Sarah came over today when I was at work. I think living with Chris and being subjected to all the shit she has been in her life and the shit Bridgette puts her through has made her judgment weak at times, and made her desperate at times just to get a little relief and escape. Her only real solution will be leaving, but her self-esteem is so low because she has been so berated for so long that for her to get back to happy and content she will need some major life changes, and she doesn't really know anything different, so is afraid to take those steps, plus she's afraid they might try to steal her kids from her. She has such a big and loving heart and would shine once she gets away and gets empowered a little, but she is surrounded by people that use and abuse her and Judy and I really need to take her away with us when we go, because we might not be her only option, but we are her best one.
Judy and I both love her and the girls, and I said it before and now again, that they both function better and are happier when they are together. Judy said that Sarah said that she wanted or wants to sleep with her, and I think she does, but she also wants us to have something more between us, and I can understand why she doesn't tell Judy. She loves Judy and doesn't want to do anything to hurt their friendship. Judy understandably feels a degree of rejection from me because I want Sarah as well, but what I feel for Sarah doesn't take anything away from what I feel for Judy. In fact, it makes what I feel for Judy stronger, maybe because they are so much alike in so many ways. What I want to make for us all, and how I want us all to be towards each other would work so well for all of us and the kids, because we could all make each other so happy and so much stronger. That would be if Sarah got away from Chris, because until she does she will stay stealing, including from us, which will no doubt be the end of what otherwise would be a lasting friendship.
I really feel where love works so well with friendship that when a physical expression aspect gets incorporated into it that there is just so much of a higher level of closeness and bonding. Gender needs to vanish sometimes. This isn't a thing about sex, it is about closeness and love and sharing a depth of tenderness that can do wonders for the soul.
Sarah also needs to come clean about how she really feels instead of the lie and deny. I understand she wants to protect Judy and their friendship, but at this point there is no reason not to be out in the open about everything we all feel. Judy may not like it that I want a bigger bed, but I don't like things that I have to deal with and have dealt with for years. As I mentioned before, the only sunrise I ever saw with her was when taking her to the hospital because she ran out of methadone and was withdrawing, and those things are, to me, much bigger of a betrayal than what she sees as me wanting Sarah in addition to her.
Judy fits me, but not all of me, and Sarah fits most of the same places and some places where Judy doesn't. Naturally I see other women who could fit the things I need that neither Judy or Sarah never would, but I would never make myself that thin or even consider trying to find or fill it because they would be enough. In most ways, Judy already is enough, and has been, but there are unfulfilled parts of me that she will never fill, and I need those parts filled, and if she truly loves me she will fill them either with herself or with someone we both love and care for who can and will. I would do the same for her in a heartbeat.
I will have to hold her pills because she just cannot be trusted to take them properly or mind them, and I hate that, but she is an addict, and without them suffers pain, so it becomes something I may not like but have to do to take care of her and make sure she is okay. Well, I am sorry what I need is another relationship that allows me better expression, but in a way it is the same thing. I do what I may not like, and in the case of pills hate, because I love my wife.
I put my feeling aside and remember that I love Judy and that I have a duty to love her and care for her, to give her what she needs. But I now feel that duty to Sarah to a big degree, and that duty to my son is the strongest duty I have. I hurt today and wanted nothing more than to stop working and just sit, but I have a duty to Carmello.
Caring for others requires fulfilling duties, no matter what.
The most recent pill drama hurt me, really bad. THAT was a betrayal moreso that in I found a woman Judy hated and fucked her in front of her. Sarah falls short just as much, and I am their solution if they let me lead and follow my lead.
I want two weakened women to submit to one part of my will so I can give them love and reflect the love they both give me so I can make them strong, so that love can serve and fulfill our son and her girls, and so we all can work as one to create happiness.
If I am given what I need I can give them so much love and support that they would both be happy and content.
How do I reach the epiphany?

I just can't stand the bullshit!
A friend of Judy's gave her 40 methadone, and that saved her ass, but there's always that "but".
I am the one controlling the pills, and she shared a few with Sarah, but today I went to work all day, and Judy calls, says she went hunting for them and found where I stashed them, and she and Sarah had a few. The total with what I gave her and what she took was 10. 10 from 40 is 30.... or so one would think.
I count them and how many are there? try 20. So where did the 10 missing ones go, or for that matter, the weeks worth that vanished that started this shit? Sarah comes around and the shit vanishes, just like when Judy stole from Shelia in the past. Shelia was a good friend who would help the stupid woman out whenever she overused her scrip, and Judy stabbed her in the back and fucked up their friendship, and Alex had a relationship with her as well that she ruined with her self-righteous bullshit and from stealing from someone that would bend over backwards to help her.
To top that off, my wallet vanished with like $35 in it, and I am sick of this pillhead bullshit that pervades so much of our life, and hurts Alex on a regular basis. I was so pissed at her that when she tried to make excuses I threw a can of cooking spray at her. I told her if she touched the pills at all I would put her through a wall, and damn going to jail over it or anything. I am at the point that I just don't give a fuck, I won't have her making bullshit excuses or trying to justify the pillhead drama that fucks up not only my peace of mind and life, but my son as well. It fucks the kid up to see someone waste so much good with pill drama. Judy, with the help of my own sister, ruined my one vacation home to see my mom with Alex with pill shit. I guess Florida holding her hand in an ER when she was out of pills wasn't good enough, she had to do it in two NJ hospitals as well.
I refuse to deal with that shit any more. Sarah needs a reality check as well. It is great she finally left Bebo today taking the kids to her mom's, but she will either go back or Chris and his mom will try to steal the kids, and until Sarah stops pills so much she won't be worth a damn either. These two women could be so great and wonderful if it wasn't for their damn addictions. They hurt their children with it, and with the stupidity they step into with minds clouded with pills and the hunt or need for them. I might have a few problems, but no where near as bad as them.
Sarah said I saw things "about me", meaning that I was selfish in my view of things, but my judgement doesn't allow me to take household money or food money to find drugs or pills, and what I want is more for the kids than it ever will be for me. I may not communicate things the best way at times, but as I see it if I had people around me not fucking up I wouldn't be having to fix things or put out fires, or hunting pills or holding hands at ERs or giving what money I have so her kids can have food, or Judy can have smokes, or watching Judy eat all my pills when I get them. It steals time and money, or resources, from my home and son and makes me depressed and gives me a feeling that my efforts are being wasted. It produces nothing of value to anyone.
I may have been wrong to throw a can of cooking spray at Judy, but she deserved a fist in her face, because she betrayed a promise, and trust, and her being down will hurt this family and Alex, so she hurt my son by her stupidity, and I did warn her. So while that may be wrong, it was not like the consequences of breaking that trust and promise were not fully explained from the outset. Judy violated a contract, and I imposed the agreed upon penalty. She lucky I don't Marchman Act her ass. Her pill problems I will NOT allow to effect Alex, or me, ever again, period. She doesn't understand that is a root problem of this family. I may get angry and yell, but my anger is a result of this bullshit inflicted upon me and my son by people addicted to drugs and the shit they place upon my door because of it.
The thing they need is humility and to submit to doing the right thing with determination. They are both on a bad self-destructive path. Judy is ten years away from death if she keeps on, and Sarah on a downward spiral, because Chris will never change his bad habits and always steal from their kids their chance at a happy life. Sarah has learned bad habits as well. People have some choices to make. I have to run the show in this area because Judy can't, and Sarah also has to decide her path as well. I have no more time for lost should who refuse to open their eyes to the light of truth and make the changes they have to.
I am coming back to myself, to who I am, and it feels really great. I hold not a thing back, and never intend to again. Few men have the ability to be as romantic and caring and loving and good as I am, and that may sound arrogant, but it is more recognition of the fruition of years of strife and a long quest to find the dream I had of how things could be in life. I don't want to and refuse to be just a drift along. Too much has passed, and I am not the standard fluff that blindly accepts a station in life. I intend to make the rest of my life an exercise in enriched fulfillment and ecstatic happiness. I want to leave a legacy behind. I can't do that with addicts who bring their sickness into my life, and the life of my son.
I have unique beliefs, but there are high standards there, and not much room for things that will hurt what I am out to create.
So yes, it is about me to a big degree, because unlike most people I have a plan with standards and goals, and the clock doesn't go backwards......
I don't want anyone to follow me, but I need companions to walk with me. Alex is finally seeing what I have been saying and understands why I am hard on him and I think appreciates that I care enough to be, even though he still fights some. I think he understands Judy is fucked up, and why, and has sympathy, but no more tolerance for it or the excuses. There are choices to make, and I refuse to be taken down by sloth or addictions or depression when I know and have the cure for it, and all it takes is a little will power, some humility, and some effort to fix things.
There is so much worse than life on my terms, but if anyone wants me as part of their life at this point things are going to be on my terms for some basics, and if they can do that I will bust ass to help them reach their dreams and know every second of every day that they are loved.
But to waste my energy and power on something that will only hurt me or my son is senseless, and something I just can't accept any longer.

More drama.....
Judy is out of it, and I have court tomorrow, and the electric might be off again in the morning, but Alex is doing much better attitude wise, and then again, Sarah is over with her two youngest. Some bull dyke bitch is staying with them, and is mistreating Sarah, and Chris is not being supportive, and Sarah really needs to get away from that shit. And Judy, maybe she is starting to see the depth of my love and devotion even though it may not be how she expected it, or according to the rules and beliefs she feels. Acceptance is the highest form of love. I love her despite this pill shit, and maybe love will cure that as well.
But changes are coming so fast, I feel the, coming.
I let Kenny read the parts of my journals that speak to my future visions, and so much of what I have seen has come to pass. It is a big reason why I don't worry so much, because I've seen things coming around. Who knows what it is in us that lets us glimpse the future, and I have it in spades sometimes. Just no instructions how to get there.
I believe in the power of love to transform life, and have the sense and experience to attain things, despite the sadness and anxiety I carry as I walk that way. It sucks waiting until 50 to get there, but it is in sight, and I'm watching the beauty unfold, with harsh birth pains.
Maybe the reason for the suffering to get there is the level of reward at the end.
Maybe the walk along the path is the reward.
Either way, I'm such a product of the dreams I've held so long and truth has a way of lighting the darkness.

My wife is going through withdrawals again because she fucked her medicine or had it stolen again.... stupidity, more burdens and pressure on me and Alex, and for what? Me wanting something different, extra, or more when this is what I have to deal with all the time? Am I so wrong? Methadone is her other lover. Sarah is the same way. If ever anybody ever needed to relinquish control to someone else it is these bitches and the subject of pills and me running things where that is concerned. They have no self-control, and are unable to function as normal and I need to be the pill cop. I don't abuse anything like they do their pill use and needs.
I have the right to sound arrogant here. I can speak from the higher ground. With what I have had to deal with, from watching kids to lost time to hospitals and pharmacies and pill drama, to being the community wallet and overall problem solver, I am owed them being slaves at times as payback for all I do for everyone. They eat and have gas and smokes and so much more because of me, and they hurt my ability to go do what I need to and feel like life has rewards at times. I mean, I know I'm not a total picnic either, but my problems are far and away so trivial when it comes to either handing out my meds, or having them confiscated and used up as if they owned them, to time being stolen from dealing with pill drama.... Sometimes I feel like I alone clearly see the solutions, and I want to see them happy and healthy and functioning well. But all I have to do is wait a week, or usually a few days, and either Sarah is on some sort of pill hunt, or Judy is doing some stupid trade, or is out, or some other drama that is just a waste is unfolding.
It's like pills control their daily lives. As a result, it effects my life, and Alex and the girls. Chris is a waste, and just a pill and drug head, and overall worthless as a husband and father, and I don't care if he is so smart or has been through so much, or when they start with their excuses either, like Judy blaming the doctors. we all make choices. They choose to let pills steal their happiness. My mission is to make a life of happiness and not allow those negative distractions to thwart every good effort. I have kept track, and either Judy or Sarah has been sick or withdrawing EVERY SINGLE WEEK since this year started, and I speak of them together because our lives ARE so entwined.
What I propose and want to create is a life where those things are better controlled and, moreover, get fixed so they don't run and ruin their lives. This pill drama can destroy friendships, wind someone up in the hospital or jail, hurt our kids, and put them in situations that someone could get hurt or killed. I have every right to not only want, but to demand that live be tried my way for once. They have has their way, and they are both hopelessly lost to drugs and drama that surrounds them. This all needs to change, like yesterday.
I might be the last best hope we all have to get on a different path, and there is a load of pressure that no one ever sees me fall to. They do at times, when I look so sad or get so angry.
But I deal with it well, because I didn't sign up for this bullshit.
Damn it!

Well, Judy "lost" or ran out of her pills again. I said looks like I have to control them and treat you like a child, and she was quick to say "yes, you do".
So now I have withdrawal I need you Judy, instead of functioning Judy. Then once she gets her pills again she will be arrogant I don't need you or anyone Judy. I would never have evolved into what I am now opinion wise if Judy had the ability to control herself where drugs are concerned. She gets mad when I crack fun at her side of the family having substance abuse problems, but if I don't crack fun at it all I'd go insane. Judy and Sarah need someone in their life to make sure they don't get away with letting drugs rule and destroy them, and they can help each other in ways I can't, and man they just have to relent and see the wisdom in the path I present.
Wisdom and the wild side isn't just the title of this journal, it is my mindset. I don't run for weed or booze or pills, but have to deal with the weaknesses of those around me. I have to fight and compensate for that all, and it makes me a bad guy at times, and wears me down. Our kids all deserve so much better. They shouldn't have to be subjected to pills and pill abusers and get shorted because their parents have those problems, or breathe in second hand smoke, or have any good thing subtracted because of vices and faults.
My life is vowed to my son, then to my wife, and I get so little of my dreams and desires and vices and things that are designed to simply pleasure me, and I can live denied to a degree, but there has to be some changes. So here we go, on the withdrawal roller coaster once again.
I want to have my cake and eat it too, true, but how is dealing with her withdrawals not even more of a betrayal? She betrays her whole family by that lack of responsibility and the complications. Then she reverts to justifications and excuses. I make no excuse. I want what I want because it will make me the best I can be and happy enough to be able to deal with everything that tears me down.
A least my vices do something positive for me, and as a result those who have to deal with me.
They enrich me, and then I can enrich other because I have more of a better me to give, not steal from my family, and hurt everyone around me.

Wonder of wonders my wife and I made love again last night, and it was really good. Kenny and Sarah were over, and Sarah made a comment that I need to think of her like a daughter, but that was for show and that is impossible anymore. I just wish Sarah would come clean about how she feels and what she and I have talked about. I also wish Judy could let go of that solitary view of sex and marriage. She married my heart, not my dick. So many people really do betray each other or split because of the "just sex" aspects, and I think when you accept the physical as apart from the emotional and spiritual that the sexual and spiritual you do have is healthier and more pure. Now that Judy knows how I feel I can actually share my passion more with her, because there's so much less hidden.
Maybe when she see what the truth has done for me in what I am able to give to her of myself maybe then she'll be more open to something she may have never considered otherwise. Judy carries hurt and pain and wears it like a badge of honor, uses it as a crutch to justify her views and outlooks and all. She would never admit it, let alone see it, and she dwells on pains and past hurts even though she says she doesn't. It isn't healthy.
I have a problem forgetting what was done wrong to me, but only when and where the same attitudes that made those things happen to me persist. I don't go out, run around and spend all my money at bars, or on video games and drugs, and try to fuck everything that moves. I have always been very, very highly selective where I will let my dick squirt and who for, and while at times I have been less selective, I do have a high sense of morality and loyalty. I don't see sex with someone I like and am interested in as disloyal, as long as my priority is my wife and I don't use that to hurt her, and I have never been right in her face with it and have spent more time sexually frustrated and alone that any man sexed like me should. It becomes a form of subtle torture to deny someone like me romance, tenderness, and physical release. When I get it like I need my tensions vanish and my motivation goes up, as well as my patience and ability to do more than my share. That is what I mean when I say I am at my best and can give my best if given what I desire, and when that comes out in me Judy gets happy because the "old me" comes back.
I can't help this, and am sorry for what aspects of that do hurt her, but I don't have a choice any more, because I made a vow to myself not to ever hide how I feel again. Those things I have made a certain level promise to myself I honor. I do not bet on pool tables and seldom gamble, do not drink and drive, lie only at rare times or to protect another "promise" or someone, I like quiet times, and when Judy talks to me and I don't respond she gets mad, but why does anyone think you always have to have something to say? I know how she feels, and can't help that we disagree, and no amount of explaining or discussing can change my mind or heart, so she either has to accept me and live accepting the good I can give her in life or move on. If she wants to throw away my level of devoted love over my views on sex and relationships then it really is her loss, because I don't think anyone will ever understand or love her as much as I do. Moreover, I don't think anyone else would put up with so much of the bullshit.
What Sarah really feels is NOT what she says in front of or to Judy, and it is because she doesn't want to hurt Judy or have her know how she feels, and it really isn't about sex. It is mostly about what would work best for everyone and make everyone fulfilled and happy. It is about being content and supported by those you love. She already is almost like a second wife. I give her money because of the kids on a regular basis, and she's sometimes over here more than her own home, and her life is a taxation and vexation on her and the kids and they would do better with Judy and I than any other option they have right now.
And when I see Judy caring for the girls as second mom, I see what I fell in love with in her come out and shine. Judy says that in my journal that I am less critical of Sarah, but I am critical of her faults as well, and many of them are the same as Judy's. Sarah is in a cycle of hunting pills wasting money, or dealing with her or Chris being in withdrawals, or selling pills for money, and loads of drama, and I am so pissed that she went hunting pills with her kids, but Judy shoplifted with Alex with her and goes along, and people I wouldn't contaminate a landfill with as not to dishonor the garbage have come to my home and sat in front of me over her pill shit... and that is Judy and Sarah. My solutions would erase that influence as well, because I do intend to be foot down about so much more, because I know we need to live a better lifestyle, and I refuse to live and die smoking with all that money wasted to blacken my lungs, and sadly I am weak and stressed as well, but there are loads of changes coming.
I intend to work at being my best again, and that requires those around me doing the same, and if Judy won't, then I gotta go. If that happens her weaknesses will swell upon her and she will sink. She will never stop smoking or doing pills, and the methadone will shut her digestive system down and she'll walk around like Shelia (who she stole from over pills) shitting out of a bag, or choking to death from smoking. I am right, and I am sick of asking. I am right about so much, and the biggest problem I have beyond being so hammered down I am paralyzed is that no one listens to me.
A flower won't grow in poisoned soil, nothing will. I intend to banish the poisons and have a diverse and fulfilling garden. I will not be a one crop farmer, and I won't work dead earth. I won't allow weeds (except one), and must have the sunlight of truth. It has to be this way or I will be a miserable, grumpy, sad old man with nothing to look upon as fulfilling.
My most important job in life is making sure Alex comes out of it all okay, and Judy doesn't see how her depression and sickness, much of which her habits cause, have destroyed us. My second job is to make my wife happy, to care for her, but that doesn't mean be her orderly because she lives in a way that is slowly killing her. The lifestyle and changes I intend to make will fix much of that, but I need their help. My views on expanding that relationship I know will make things even easier. The benefits outweigh the drawbacks and adjustments. Honesty can be brutal, and right now it is, and Sarah isn't being, and Judy is trying to demand her way to making my views and understandings change. If it wasn't for a vow I'd call Sarah on a few things and what she fronts to Judy. But I do keep my word. Judy fronts and guides talk with friends so her feedback is what she's looking for, and doesn't elicit free and honest discussion, because she looks to have her opinions supported, not debated.
I am so self-critical that no one can have an easy time debating me, because I've already taken my own views so far apart and beaten them to death that I know every little nuance and aspect of them, hence these words. Judy was so upset that this journal didn't lament her, but I have had 20 years with her to know why I am with her and why I love her and all. It would be pointless unless I wrote this to impress or satisfy her to go on about what I know and feel and think about her.
I love her, can be really proud of her, and miss what I knew as my lifemate, feeling that doctors and pills and lack of will and depression have stolen so much from me. I love her sharp with and warm heart, and have even come to love things I thought I hated. But this isn't about her, this is about me figuring out where I am now and why, and what I feel about it all and why. It is selfish of her not to see that.
I have a lot of work to do, and the more content I am the better I will be able to do it, and Judy was big enough last night to finally shut up and make love, and that did so much more than any amount of "discussion" ever would to heal us. I don't want to or intend to talk and talk about things, not again. I want life lived and action, not words. And if she needs to talk to me, that's what she has a journal for. She went through this journal so fast and said she retained everything, but that is pure bullshit. Thoughts that are deep need to come in paced and get digested. You have to place yourself in the heart and head of that person speaking to really understand it, and she just heard what she wanted to hear and saw what she wanted to see. She needs to externalize it for a moment, and walk in my shoes for a second before judging me any further.
When she does, then she will understand just how much I do love her.

Judy has been writing her journal, and she's mellowing a little I think, maybe starting to understand more, but she says that the way I deal with Alex is wrong, and even went so far as to call me in need of professional help. Doubtful, unless that help is counseling for us both. Alex was hitting bruiser, my dog, last night when I was in Fernandina working, and when I called Judy from the supermarket about an hour away, she was in tears with Alex yelling in the background. When I got home, I waited then gave Alex a slab on his shoulder backing up that whenever he hits the dogs I will hit him, period. I made a promise about that and backed it up. It was a slap, not a hit, and he had it coming, and even as I speak Judy was asking Alex to open the sliding glass door her hands filled with laundry, and Alex did just about everything he could to piss her off, opening the door halfway, yelling like a wild man, and no self-control, but ya know, a quick little slap to snap a wild kid back in line is more than often warranted, and it is the failure of parents to discipline their kids that gives them the signal it is okay to be bad when it isn't, and they lose the ability to have respect and consideration for others. I have a system for how I approach things.
If you won't be good out of love, then it will be out of respect, and if not out of respect, then out of fear, but I WILL NOT allow a child to dictate the rules or get away with just being bad.
She is right about one thing, I have been up Sarah's ass about talking about where we all stand, and there was so much so fast that has happened lately, and with everything else it is unfair of me to pressure them on this all. But Judy is wrong where it comes to how I see and accept Sarah for her shortcomings and other problems. Sarah's don't effect me the way they do Judy's, and she isn't as stuck in the cycles that Judy is yet, but she's worse in some ways, where Sarah will take her kids with her when she goes to buy pills. I'd like to slap her for that one, it is as bad as when Judy shoplifted when we were broke and had Alex with her. She exposed us, our son, to being lost by us over that shit, and I am still angry at that at times.
I have my faults, but I am always looking at myself and what my faults might be, hence this journal, because I want to be the best I can be. Judy I think has a problem with allowing anyone to take the lead, like she needs to be justified by being involved in everything. She simply can't shut up, ever, and sometimes I like quiet, and think it always doesn't take words to communicate, so the subtile forms get lost. I yell mostly in response to things being wrong or out of control, and am seldom the one to start yelling unless ignored or being assaulted by some affront to my rights or dignity, and she fails to see that.
I can be more forgiving than anyone I know as long as there is remorse and a will to be more considerate, and am at the point now where I just don't tolerate things when that isn't there. Why should I? Why justify things I know are wrong? I have the right not to, and when I don't see things her way or show interest in discussing something to death I am persecuted and put down for it.
In my view, you elicit warmth from one another, and earn respect just in non-forced acts. When you have walked all over someone, you take small light steps to earn your way back.
I was the draught horse, and I just can't pull the plow like I used to.
If you beat the dog, it will bite, but when the dog is bad, the dog must be punished. The dog will learn the rules.
In any event, things are actually on the up.
We all have so much to work on, and need to do it together.

Okay, do I deserve what I want? That's the question, because if I do, then I deserve for my lifemate to not only give it to me, but do so willingly, as much as she deserves for me to give he everything that she wants as I am able to, and get the best of me in return. To have me help her reach her dreams, even if I don't always agree with them or want to. it is that level of consideration that is paramount.
I am a decent guy, pretty honest with a strong sense of justice and fairness, tender and loving, and considerate. I don't ever set out to hurt anyone and I'm more giving than selfish in almost everything I do. I am good with kids, really good. I work hard often with no reward, and keep a smile as I am able even when nothing satisfies or pleases me. Yeah, I think that makes it so I deserve what I want to have to some degree. I have only recently gotten more demanding for what I want and need, because I can't keep living without getting what I need, or even a fraction of it, to be happy.
I am also oversexed and way too romantic, over emotional for a dude, have a teddy-bear heart with a tough leather skin. I am eclectic and erotic, and don't fit conventional logic and standards. I could be so much more given the resources I need, and am out of place here in the South. I might not be if I was more insulated or living in Fernandina or St. Augustine, but I live here in Bubba-hell! Where other guys are playing video games or going out hunting or drinking or whatever, I want to take Judy and Alex, and even Sarah and the girls to the zoo or a museum or the beach, and the only things stopping that right now are money and a good DL. once I fix that, then I can start doing stuff and making things happen like I used to, like a Suns game every week, or the park twice a week. But I can't do it safely at the moment, but that is something that I not only love doing, but Judy does as well, and we both want to bring Sarah and her girls along as well, and that is because there is just so much love, expressed or not, there. Judy is full of love, and so is Sarah, and all they need is the freedom in life to express who they are a little more and they will shine, just like I will again once I get some money working.
I want what I want and deserve what I want because I feel I have really earned it. I don't take up offers on pussy because that takes away and gives nothing back. The lust would be fun, but it would leave me empty.
Last night Judy and I made love on the new couch, and she actually was able to shut up and relax a little and let me make love to her. I didn't think about anyone else, although I'll bet she's wondering and assuming that I did. But she assumes too much, and she says I don't really know her, but I know more about her than she knows about me. I know she has a good heart and isn't out to hurt anyone ever, but she is also closed to knowing or accepting me for who I am and what I am, and that hurts me, and I hide that mostly. I am more altruistic than her that way, and am just sick of giving and not getting. Alex is being a bully, and we are both so concerned about it all, but I think this kid needs to know what the limits of his bad behavior are, and if he hits brick walls and gets punished with stern love and that is consistent, I think he will readjust to there being rules and it will all sink in.
Judy and I need to be on the same page fixing it, and more and more she is letting me have my way and shutting up and having to admit that what I do works, except when I hit him, like last night when I called her from Fernandina and she was crying because he was hitting the dog and not listening, so I popped him, as promised. i can't till him I will smack his ass every time he abuses an animal then not do it. My signals are steady. The more she allows and supports those things, the more control over him I get back. But I think this is more of a phase. he has many issues, and the money will give me the freedom to get us to my church more often, which will help him like it helped me. He is so much like me and I remember my transitions, and Judy is female and just doesn't get some of it. We are becoming more of a team again.
But last night was nice, and the lovemaking was tender... too short as always, but really relaxing and nice.
Now if she can just keep that up and leave the talk for when our clothes are on. But romance and lovemaking and tenderness heals when you know you are with someone who loves you.