It was a nice Christmas. I like my stereo and Judy and Alex like their gifts, main one being cookware worth a lot, and I got nice earings for Judy, and loads of sheets.
I'll have my license cheap soon, may take until after Christmas.
Once I do then I can work on fixing Judy's shit. Darryl is around a lot, which is okay, and I'm finally redoing the kitchen with his help. It pisses me off because my shoulder, knee, and elbow are fucked, and I can't even hold a paint can well. Mrs. Betty, Carmelo, Darryl and Helene, Steph, Henry, Gerald, Diane, yeah a few friends around, even Steph and her worthless boyfriend.
My best present is Judy losing a foot of bad tubing. Maybe now I can get her back, although until we address the methadone problem and she is more motivated and healthy forget it.
I also know that now she's "foced" that if she doesn't start being the one to initiate things that I don't care about giving it any effort anymore. I deserve better. I deserve to be anted and touched without asking, and getting more that a quickie. If she won't, I don't think I'd have a problem finding a woman who would be thrilled to have a man like me. I may be a little heavy, but that is my own depression surfacing, and the source of that is from my relationship with her. I feel alone, and that is wrong.
Anyway, one step at a time.

We at least have money for Christmas, and it is going fast. Judy wants to go food and delivery, and between that and smoking $400 will vanish at this rate in a month.
Smoking is GOING to stop, and very soon, or I WILL divorce her over it. I feel bad about promising Alex then not following through, and I can only stop if she does.
Carmelo is paid, my mom is paid, and things are finally working out. I think I'll fix the kitchen I hate so much.
Judy had emergency surgery. As much as we war, and as bad as her habits are and life is with someone suffering from pill overuse and depression, it isn't anything I want to go through again.
Maybe this will fix her. I'd like to have a healthy lighthearted friend as my companion, and she has no clue as to how her depression and all the shit has worn me down and hurt me and Alex. Most men would never have stayed or stuck it out. I'm celibate, fought over everything and the object of any anger she ever has, and am emotionally and romantically neglicted.
I don't care what she thinks, I want to play before I'm too old and cold to. I've lost so much time already dealing with this all, and deserve it. She knew how I feel about sex and romance and how the dynamics of it all works, and she should give me what I want at least a fraction of the time. It's not like I keep many secrets or want to reoplace her. I want to suppliment recreational sex and have her as a full partner in playing.
If she loves me like she says she does then I feel she'd want to give me that and be there with me to share in it, and get from me whatever she wants in return, and what I'm more at ease in giving back to her. How I want that is for Judy to have a friend who she doesn't mind sharing me with. In my heart I don't see that as a bad thing.
I have a feeling it may take a month or two for her to kick back into gear, but now she's had the bad plumbing extracted she should get better.
Christmas should be good.
Steph is going to stay with us to maybe get her shit together. She makes excuses and wants to run away as party girl. Her father is hard on her, with good reason in some areas, but he's not equipped to help her and hurts her more.
She needs to get into college, get a job, and fix her life, but she's inmature and hurt and hooked on pills and party. I don't know if she has the will or drive to fix herself, she's more concerned with drugs and running away. Unless she decides to get well and ahead again she won't.
Everything takes time.

Jailhouse Judy

Judy got arrested for Dr shopping, a bullshit charge, damn dectective got it so wrong, thinking she went to another doctor when I know she didn't, and from what i can tell it's over her methadone and getting them from baptist, and the charge says not telling the doctor, which is shit.
I threatened Nassau county and not only did they extradite her that same day, but I got her an ror and a ride home a half hour behind me after threatening the Sheriff with Federal. They know they are fucked.... So there's another lawsuit there for her, and one for me because I hurt mu elbow and shoulder on the bus.
It sucks, but something it wrong... My left knee, shoulder and elbow... at least that's three, right?
We had a good Thanksgiving, first time we ate out, went to Golden Corral. Slow day, and maybe Judy will finally see how right I am about everything.
Only thing is she keeps getting sick. She needs to get her plumbing fixed, period.

I spent three weeks in jail because my fuckhead son was putting holes in the wall and I laid into him a little. In my day what I gave him would have been minor, and asswipe wickedy fucked our family. She had to be the one who called 911, then opened up her mouth when the cops were leaving by telling them my son and I had a "dispute".
Does she try to fuck up our family. Now I have no means to work or keep our electric on, and YES it IS her fault, but arrogant bitch will never see that.
Karma will get her ass!
Now my knee is fucked because I fell in there. Don't know how bad yet. At least WalMart will kick out $10K in a little, so we'll have a good Thanksgiving and Christmas....
I just feel in my gut that it's all not over. There's more bad before the good kicks in better.....
I'm just going to sue everyone over anything that I or we were wronged over. Nothing that I do not deserve, but hell, there's more than enough wrong that's been done to us. From false arrest on Judy in August and me with Alex, to my injury.
I didn't cause these things, but I will seek justice, and I have Right on my side.

Alex and school, bills and tight money..... ahhhhhhhh!
I intend to get Judy's charges dropped, period. despite her stupidity, she didn't deserve to be arrested. Alex fights about doing anything, and mommy needs to firm hand him and won't, and then stops me when I do. That's going to hurt us and him in the long run.
Darryl is still having drama over Stephanie. He needs to stop playing with fire.
I'm tied of fighting everything, but I'm just about to get back head above water.
Amanda is like a ballon. Poor thing, but she's doing fine.
And I can't stand this motherfucking kitchen!

Piss on Chris

I got Chris arrested and then got arrested for missing court myself, and was in the same cell. At least that case is over, and I can always reopen it because I never admitted in pleading, so I have to wait for Gooding to leave the bench, and Holiday to transfer out of division. Gooding eventually will rotate into family or civil.
Then I reopen because I never plead properly, on a writ, and overturn it, and then hand it all back.
Maybe this will break sarah away from Chris, but I doubt it. She defends him because of fear and sick love and whatever other reason. Chris is a piece of shit, was cutting up shopping carts for drug money when his kids go hungry, because he sells their food stamps.
That selling of stamps got Sarah to take judy to WalMart to pay us back for what we spent on her kids, and Sarah, always broke because of Chris, had to go and steal.
That got Judy arrested, as well as her own stupidity.
But something needed to change, and I kinda felt this coming. I know Sarah is blind and stupid when it comes to Chris, and they blame me. But she needs to blame him for being such a shit to his kids. Maybe the courts will force him to change, but that's doubtful, and if he does it won't last.
But it exposed Chris for being the theif he is, and Sarah as well at WalMart.
I can even maybe bring suit over Judy's arrest....
Been thinking about my sister, need to re-establish. I just hate her being with asshole worthless Tony. Judy is lucky to have me and needs to start showing it.

Judy got arrested for pills in the wrong container, and now I have to lose time and money to deal with it, and cancel a job that I have to let slide and go away because I have to deal with getting her out of jail. Won't be long.... But hell, I can't keep doing this or dealing with it.
Sarah stealing got Judy busted.... Pisses me off, she never listens, and if she did we'd being doing much better. She fights me just for the sake of fighting me I think.
I sense things being crazy until Christmas, even up to it. I haven't had a clear vision dream in some time, just fast flashy ones with more feelings than details.
I do see progress, and letting a guy become a closer friend... I see Darryl running to me for help and getting closer. Maybe divorce drama.
Alex is growing fast, now if he could just focus and Judy would shut up and stop cutting my legs from out under me. He needs discipline, and I need backup, even if she thinks I'm wrong. She doesn't see it, but I do that for her most of the time.
I need a vacation.
No rest for the weary.
So Judy is in jail and going insane, but I'll have her out soon. Maybe this will wake her up. Sarah caused this mostly, but Judy didn't listen, and she just fails to see that I'm normally right.
This isn't her wall, but I feel she has a big wall coming that just might change her.

I'm a Dirty Rat

I told Dr Day about Sarah and the pill problem. She is part of the vanishing pills and if she can do that to Judy I just don't trust her, and she will never leave Chris. Despite what I know what could be, especially if we get money soon and carry her with us, I don't see it happening. I don't feel a future with her there. The window has kinda closed on that.
Pills gone, Judy gets sick, people always stealing, most of her friends based or include pills, it sucks.
I could fuck everything that offered itself to me and go find more and still not be as disloyal as Judy has been because of pills. It steals from us, and will hurt us before it is over. It is destroying her, ruining her health, and she needs to fix her guts. Bitch needs surgury before she winds up like Sheila.
I just have the life sucked out of me because I can't fight the drug wars, it takes my air away and I can't breathe.
I'm just fed up.

Real Friendship Takes Work

It is true, being a real friend with someone isn't always easy. You have to let go of all judgments and accept them raw, every flaw and detail of personality. Marriage is the same way. Naturally there is a limit there. One cannot accept abuse, and the friendship and love must work both ways. It has been great to see Judy and Sarah develop a real friendship, and while there are some problems that need to be worked out, for the most part between all three of us there is something really great.
Sarah and I are closer than most people generally know, mostly because Sarah is not allowed to have a guy be that close becaise of Chris, and because Sarah is afraid that is Judy knew how close we are Sarah thinks it might hurt their relationship. Sarah has expressed a desire to get even closer, but that would create complications between us all, and she doesn't want to hurt Judy. Neither do I. I'd love to have my cake and eat it too, but Judy doesn't share my views on expanded relationships.
I think a romance/friendship flowing between us three makes us each and all better for ourselves and to and for each other. I have seen it working that way, and so have they, and it can't, nor shouldn't, be denied.
We would do better, our kids do better, and it is just a matter of creating the right atmosphere for that change to allow it to happen. but there are aspects of sarah I don't completely trust. She wants a good life but plays games even she isn't aware of. Judy and the good side of Sarah fit well together, but Sarah has I side that seems put on and sneaky.
Sarah has the problem of hopeless depression and addiction and looking for any kind of escape to be able to cope with her life, and Judy being depressed and lazy because of that, and making the minimum effort to fix things, and in me depression from having to put up with being so hammered down with no apparent help, and apathy, which is why we all need each other for the missing elements we each lack. We have what Sarah needs, and she has what we both need, and the tension in not expressing what is felt under the surface is a burden as well. But life can be complicated.
I can't trust Sarah not to take Judy's pills, or Judy not to overtake and abuse them herself. I shouldn't have to be the pill police, but I am. I want more than anything to cure them both so they get that part of themselves back, but that is so much easier said than done.
That takes work, to be a friend to them both and deal with and accept their addiction, and to do so without getting what I need, which is either one or both of them riding me or my face down in them. That may sound crude, but I love my wife, and love sex with her, but just hate this way I see her live life, and I can't help it if being around Sarah has made me find things I love in her as well, because I know what her heart feels and what is inside her. She has so much in common with Judy that if I didn't love that stuff in Sarah how could I say I love my wife?
So it is all now like a waiting game, and will take work. I am in a hole that I can't just work my way out of, and in fear every time I turn the key because of complications from a lack of money and bad fortune. But most of it is circumstantial, a result of living in a hellhole of a place. Take these two women to a farm and environment where people are still decent and they would both simply shine, my son as well, and her kids, too. Getting there is the hard part.

Truth

Judy gave Sarah a letter about the little things that keep vanishing and Sarah was beside herself. She's been taking a little of this, a little of that, usually pills, mostly because without them she gets sick, is addicted, just like Judy, and is trapped in a bad life with shit for a husband, gets mentally and emotionally abused, oh, and did I say "trapped"?
She's in love with me to a degree, and would like to be a lover, with me there and with Judy, although together and alone they are more friends, so I would be the aspect that expands the bed like I'd want. I want more than that to expand our family, because she and the girls fit and complete her life like we complete hers and theirs, and are all better for each other together. But I also know Judy would have a hard time accepting that.
I see why she takes, because she is too ashamed to keep asking and is in need and has no other sources and stays where she is for her girls.
But she needs to get out from where she is, the life she is stuck in, and the best place is with us, and it would benefit us as well, so everyone would win.
Life is still crazy, work still sucks and I still feel trapped myself.
Judy has her digestive system working again, but if everything stays normal she'll be back in the hospital in two to three months again, or sooner.
I just need a vacation from my life.
I think we all could use a vacation.
But I have to fight, and keep fighting....
such is life....

It's like I'm at war on every front. Fighting to get our dog back because of Wanda's bullshit, having the prosecutor do dirty and my attorney not fighting like I thought she would and being over a barrel due to my past and that shit, Sarah stealing little things and having to hide pills because of her, then she acts all hurt and defensive when you call her on it. No work out there, little money, just so much shit.
Judy acts usually from depression, and Sarah acts from desperation, and Steph is insecure and seeking escapes, but it is how they deal with things that really pisses me off, and I can speak from the higher ground in these areas and really don't judge them, but don't know how to fix my wife, or them, and get them right or help them get to where they want to be, both in their heads or reality. I can't fix Alex's anger problem, and Judy undermines me and my authority like all the time.
Judy needs to get off the mother-fucking pity-pot and push on and DO things, and Sarah needs to stand up for herself, stop hunting pills, make Chris get a job and treat her like a priority instead of dirt, and admit what her truths are, and stop lifting things making the excuse to herself of need and that others can spare what she needs to get by. Steph needs to buck up, leave the pills alone, realize her father needs to be responsible for his own anger, and build her future. Alex needs to learn how to apply himself to work and let go of anger, and I need to learn how to cope better and find solutions and not let all that effect me. Poor Darryl needs to leave his damn wife alone and control his temper. Amanda needs to leave her sperm donor by the wayside and apply herself to college. She'll let him back then see her mistake down the line, because he plays her. Diane manages her mess with a smile on her face, but her husband is shit as well, but she is used to dealing with it. It seems that so many people I know have serious problems, and I don't remember problems like these in the lives of myself or my firends back in Virginia or Jersey.
Money would solve a lot. A farmhouse and a king size bed even more if I could get Judy to share my views on sex, marriage, friendship and life, but good luck with that one. If those two get truly honest and start working hard for an amazing life instead of drifting by in survival mode I'd be a happy camper. Things have, Judy has, brought me to that mode to a degree myself. She doesn't see how her sloth and giving in to depression and pain has made so much get worse and us lose so much, or how it gets, for me, like building a sandcastle below the wave line. It gets frustrating. But I don't think she sees or believes it, and we are very different. I had my views before I met her and made those views clear.
Everyone needs a shot of real honesty and motivation.
Sarah is all over here when she is in need, but no where to be found when we need her. That sucks. That also tells me we have to watch out for her. She does stupid things, and one day we will get burned for it.
I had a neighbor do something nice for me without asking the other day. My mower is broke and he cut my front lawn. That's something out of my book. But there's just too little of that, or any real reward for me to lay claim to happiness.

Sometimes I'm happy, but mostly not. I don't like how life has evolved, where I live, and too often I have the worst partner in a wife that I ever thought I ever could most of the time. Judy is all talk and might have good intentions, but for the most part she is the thing on the couch that is either bitching, complaining that others need to do her jobs, bitching or pity-potting about being sick, or making some sort of stupid excuse as to why the house is such a nasty place. She needs to get her digestive system fixed, but whenever I talk about her getting surgery she throws up a denial wall. After that eventually gets fixed she might stay well enough to get past her depression and the sickness that controls her.
I love what is good in her and hate the rest. There is no effort out of this woman to make life better, just talk and excuses, and it has worn me down and stolen my happiness and is now hurting my son's future, because she has damaged him by how she is.
So how do I fix everything? The first step is for this bitch to do what I say and how I say to do it and to try to grow a brain in the process. I have been right about everything, and I have suffered because i stuck it out and tried to do the right thing. I deserve a wife who at least tries to make a good life for those she says she loves, but this doesn't always feel like love, it feels like need.
She loves me, but it is on her terms with conditions and she is covertly vindictive when things are not her way.
She reminds me of those creatures clinging to the ribs of the ghost of Christmas Past. The minimum just doesn't cut it, neither does being mostly celibate, and having her interject at all the wrong times, or her blunders and stupidity. Her stupidity has set us back all too often, but she'll never deny it.
And when she acts like she can do better, that just kills me. In what reality?
I want out of this house, yesterday, and I refuse to spend another dollar on it, and if the foreclosure about to fall on us goes on me when it needs to be on just her, I will wig. You can't tie someone's legs up and expect them to walk.
I do love her, but there are times, when I think of the past, the betrayals, the bullshit, that I hate her more. I must be the eternal optimist to stay. But she has no right to any kind of say-so in anything as to how I live or what I do, not until she is a contributing partner. It suck to love someone who doesn't give you what you need in life or love.

Judy's on the couch again, complaints about her back, and naturally, dishes undone, food left out, and she can motivate to go to the store or something but not to work. she says she stays busy, but for someone so busy so much is left undone. She IS NOT a partner, and I need one.
We are finally going to have the trial on the paint on the Econosweep thing, which is a year and a half old now. I just don't trust those bastards.
So much shit that just pisses me off, but what am I to do other than stick it all out.
Sarah is always hinting to get pills, and I'm running that show as best I can, but I resent having to play pill police so Judy won't run out any more. Between pills, sloth, depression, and arrogance and selfishness I just don't know how to fix Judy, and what I love is always at war, it seems, with what I hate.
I didn't sign up to be always frustrated by living in a hell hole that is dirty with someone who thinks that dirty and messy is fine and makes excuses about it all the time. I hate my life because of how she has forced me to live and how she just doesn't take real responsibility or work to make things better. It has dragged me down to near white trash, and I resent that.
There is always an excuse, and she wants everyone to do her job for her, and I refuse anymore, and that is when it all got nasty, when I stopped doing her job.
I don't care about this house, if we lose it or anything. I don't care if I live in a tent. She has damaged our son by her attitude and lack of attention to her family, and I see it as a betrayal. It is only because I know she is stupidly blind about it that I can forgive any of it. I came back after being betrayed and stayed because of my son, but sometimes I think it would have been better if I made my own new life and waited for her to crash and lose everything. If not for me she would be living in a trailer or on the street and on a fast road to a shallow grave, but that shouldn't be my job. I shouldn't have to carry someone who is unwilling to take proactive measures to please and help her husband and care for her son. In the long end of the day she is lazy, and I detest that in her. She may not want to be like that, but she is.
Sarah has resigned herself being with Chris like I have with Judy, but Chris can't be fixed, and Judy can, but only if she admits her problems and starts to work to fix things, and that is why I rant about Sarah, because they both can fix each other and compensate for each other, and even motivate each other to do better. I paint the walls, and they get nasty, and put in floors that should still be fine, and bought a stove and fridge that look twenty years old now, stay encrusted with stains and food, and it doesn't seem to bother her. That is what is sick and what I hate the most. Then she makes it so others have to do that work, or she half-asses it and makes excuses why she can't.
Carmelo's wife was near cripple, but forced herself, without pills, to walk and work and get better, and I even remember a woman with MS in a wheelchair who kept better house, and women who are 80 who would make better wives, simply because they do their job. If something is halfway clean, I leave and it is twenty times worse in a few hours, and all my work goes out the window. She should be forcing Alex to do school work, but throws so much "sympathy and understanding " at him that he is crippled and impaired by it now. She would steal and undermine my authority, making excuses and giving rewards and praise for substandard behavior and work, and that has hurt him as well.
I have so much to fix, and cannot do it alone.
How to make the blind see and deaf hear????
I have to figure out how to pack and store everything, and we are facing foreclosure with no way out other than fighting it and filing bankruptcy. She is wasteful, spends every dime when you tell her to save some for something it has been earmarked for, and I get really little help. I have so much to fix, and have to do it alone. If I am married, why do I almost always feel alone?
I didn't make this mess, but I will fix it out escape it. That I have promised myself, and Judy can get on the ball or I am gone, and when she loses Alex I will have to be secure enough to take custody, because without me that is what I see happening. Love has taken me as far as it can and the only way it will replenish is if she starts being worthy of it. I don't ask for anything more than basics.

Fatass Wanda says she is retracting her affidavit, which means no factual basis for the dangerous dog determination, so I hope to get that taken care of later today. I don't trust her to follow through though. And Judy has been much better than she was, but not near yet what I think she should be. Kenny cut her hair, and it looks okay in front, but I told his ass to not take more than an inch, and I meant it, and he had the nerve to say that it would grow in faster. Hair grows from the root, and everything you feel is dead, all dead cells, so it grows at whatever rate it does, and the only thing that effects anything is nutrition, and he tried his usual lines of bullshit that cutting the ends makes the hair grow faster, and I could slap anyone who would say something so stupid. He could have taken just a little of the length, but not the 3 to 5 inches he did. He cut it that way because he wanted to, ignoring what I said about it, and Judy with her usual try to diffuse and make excuses for people, Judy who was pissed he took so much length, starts a mini rant on how it is her decision, as if to justify how much he took, when it was her who first bitched about how much length he took.
I'm sorry, and this may sound male arrogant, but if a woman has long hair and is with a man in some committed fashion, if that length gets cut the man has the primary right to decide if and how it gets cut, because he has to look at the woman... and in the same way, if a man grows face hair the woman has the right to bitch about it and make him trim or cut, because she is the one who kisses that face. In a relationship, you accommodate the wishes of your lover.
And if a beard scratches a woman's face or crotch, and she says shave it, you do.... and if a man wants his lady to have and keep long hair, she does. She can wear it up, or whatever, but she keeps the length. And no full of himself, justifying and excusing himself because he's gay and by virtue of that knows, or thinks he knows, how best to dress women has the right to chop off that much hair just because they didn't let him have barbie dolls when he was a kid.
Yes I am pissed, still, because he didn't listen, and he is lucky I didn't keep my word that if he took too much I would shave his head. I was tempted to hold him down and shave off his goatee, and tell him, "but now that I cut it it will grow in faster and nicer".

Judy was trimming the other day, and I cut the length on her muff hair. And I keep my balls and shaft hair free. I know women don't like a mouth full of hair when they go down, but going down on a woman hair isn't as bad, I guess because there's not a mouthful there. Pushing hair aside to hit a clit is a little different than dick and ball sucking where I think it would be bothersome. But trimmed is nice, and the best reason for a short beard. it works well on a clit, as long as its soft and not stubble.
And the long hair on a woman. I don't think I can think of a guy who wouldn't want to grab his old lady by the hair and get lost in it. So a committed relationship gives the man the primary right to it, especially since a woman can't see her hair behind her even in a mirror. It is like being married to a blind person and them having the car painted some color you hate. The blind person has a friend paints it lime green or hot pink, and says "don't worry, it will fade and you can repaint it later". Sorry, that doesn't work. The person who has to see it all the time gets first choice in the decision, period.

Chris can't get any of Judy's pills and it is pissing him off. But I have to control everything, even though I don't want to, because if I don't, nothing I want or need done will be and things I don't want to happen will. Sarah I have empathy for, but she needs to keep her word and work before she gets anything else. I know she gets sick without, but I didn't make it that way, and until she comes clean with Judy in front of me about how she really feels and stops the bullshit I can't be just another crutch. She needs to be with us, and so do her girls, and I think that once that happens that we all will be doing better, and then Judy on 5 and Sarah on three, next month 4 and 2, then 3 1/2 and 1 1/2..... then 3 and 1, then less and less until I get these bitches off this shit, so it stops eating their life and happiness.
And the other thing is how Sarah really feels, because she loves us and has physical and romantic desire for me, and that isn't something she should be afraid of Judy knowing, but something that they should be sharing, and hopefully allow evolve into something even between them sometimes. Admission of my love for Sarah and understanding it has given new power and drive where my love for Judy is concerned, because I recognize what it is I love and what I need to do to be worthy of that love better. And loving one is as easy as loving the other because of what is so "the same" in them both, and exciting because of what is different, and what is different in each I want to share with the other. I think a threesome with them would be fantastic for all of us. It is that wall Sarah has about not wanting to hurt Judy that makes her hide how she feels, and Judy wants to own me as women have wanted to own their men for centuries, or men own women. If she share a little she gets more back, and when she sees that I think, while she might not like all of it, she'd have to admit it makes me better and better to her and life better overall.
I want them both and for Kenny not to touch the length of their hair.

I know I run between loving and supporting my wife and hating her for her sloth and bullshit, and she asks "which one is real?", to which there is only one answer.... both.
I can both hate and love in one breath. I hate the acts more than the person, and can detest how someone acts while I still love so much about them. Judy pisses me off because she doesn't listen, takes little advice, takes so little to heart, and is arrogant about her acts, finding so much blame in others but none in herself, and that lack of humility except as a general disclaimer to seem more human is what I detest. I'm sure many of my faults piss her off as well, but there is something much different in our faults.
She does fail to make a good and clean home, or make any real effort to fix things, and while I have done much less lately, at least I didn't start out that way. It took years of putting up with being the one who did the bulk of the work for me to get so disgusted that I just stopped and just don't care anymore. Carmello and my mom are right about needing a partner willing to help, and not being an enabler. Judy enables Alex to get out of responsibility and sets that example, so now he is walking a bad path, and God forbid if I should say anything. She questions me thus empowering him and that sucks. I get "hush!" and I just want to punch her lights out when that starts. I hate people who don't take any responsibility and suck the life and resources out of others without giving back what they need.
Judy gives nothing much I need unless I demand it or request it, and she sucks for that. She has a great heart, but that only goes so far.
Now Sarah could be the kind of woman who could be that partner, so could Amanda, and so could so many other women. Judy is just slothy lazy about it. She IS NOT a partner, and gives me no real or lasting support. I too often see her as an extended hand that takes and doesn't put back, she cannot see what I really want or need, just gives what she thinks I should need, gives too little too late, and only if the winds are favorable to her.
Now Sarah puts forth that effort for the wrong person, to someone who doesn't appreciate her, partly because she knows nothing else. So when things don't turn out right, it winds up fucking her up as well. That and she can be lazy, and her bad judgement about where her kids accompany her and if they are wearing their seat belts infuriates me to no end, so that is part of why I'd like her formally in my life. I could fix much of her, and she could fix Judy where I can't. To someone outside of my knowledge base, who doesn't know what I know, even secrets that aren't talk about here, this might seem like just a selfish fantasy thing, but there is a deeper reality I understand and I am right about this.
Sarah loves Judy and I, and is in love with me, and has more of a friendship love with Judy that she could allow to include sex. With me she has desire, and keeps it secret so well. She still loves Chris, but more is more in love with the idea of loving Chris with a blind hope he will change and a sense of duty to let their kids have their father, shitty father he may be, and is fearful about leaving because it is all she has ever known, is afraid of them stealing the kids and maybe how Chris would react if she left, and wants to stay near her mom and dad.
So she puts up with and shuts out so much of it, and escapes, using pills sometimes, or stealing little moments away for herself, and is getting more and more fed up with it all, so might one day be able to fix things in her life, for her and her kids, and she would be happy to be lover/companions to Judy and I in the way I have laid out so extensively.
But she is fearful of losing or hurting the friendship she has with Judy. Chris can't contest that like he could contest our friendship, and our secret love that has to be denied. But if things change where she can join Judy and I it would have to happen, and she knows it like I do, and I think some part of Judy does as well. She tells Judy one thing as a cover, but feels another way, and it is like her stealing pills out of desperation, or scamming returns, or whatever other stupid deal that revolves around food or pills or whatever else Chris fails to provide.
Maybe Judy needs to ask Sarah if she is in love with me, loves me, wants me, thinks about me, thinks about being in a three way open or committed marriage, or has passing thoughts about making love, to me, me and Judy, or even Judy. I think that is the order it is in.
I bet her eyes would reveal a lot.
I think Sarah also sees how I am with her girls and wishes I was their father, or that Chris was like me with them, or whatever. But we are who we are in life, Chris is a piece of shit, and always will be, and Sarah and Judy work and function better as a team, and both together make the female counterpart I need for me to function well and be happy.
Judy is the one who needs to get a clue, and Sarah needs to come off of the truth about how she really feels. I don't think anything will work right until we all three come together as a team, or maybe if Judy starts taking better care of herself and gets the surgery she needs and cuts down on pills. I really love Judy with all my heart, and want her back the way she was, with improvements, like understanding my physical needs and taking care of them. It is sick that I sometimes go monthswithout sex and intimacy. I love romance and tenderness and want to be desired and have more than a half hour of relief sex. I want romantic, passionate, erotic sex and passion.

We're still in a war with the city to get Sqt. Pepper back. It's mostly due to bitch Wanda, who did a booty giggle dance floor thing from behind and Sarge bit her when I told her to get off of me. He was doing her job, and the bitch is fishing for money. I do know one thing. If that dog dies I seek vengeance, period.
Judy and I have been having better sex and more often. Night before last she gave me the best head she has in a while then fucked halfway decent. Still nowhere near what I want or in fulfillment of my abilities or desires, but a start. Tonight she said she was hurting, again, and I think she has created a lifestyle that sets herself and those around her up to fail. The house was a mess, and I get excuses, and Alex's room is a trash heap, and I get excuses, and dishes stay in the sink and dirty, and I get excuses, but the bitch can buy smokes, lay around, make bead necklaces, and watch t.v., while everything falls apart around us.
Every major bad thing that has gone wrong can be traced to her or my responses to her, and what she did or didn't do, and I'm the bad guy for demanding a higher standard. She has fucked up Alex and just doesn't see it.
And as for Sarah, she needs to get on the ball as well and stop hunting pills, and stop putting up with drug people and drugs in her house or the abuse her husband puts down on her. I hope Steph deals with her pill problem as well. Sarah also needs to come clean with Judy and tell her how she feels about us becoming one bigger family and that she is in love with me, loves Judy, and would like to have a three sided relationship just as much as I do. I asked her to deny she is in love with me to my face and she can't, and asked her to deny that she doesn't want me, and she won't. I think she is even curious about what it would be like with Judy, but I think for that I have to be there and a part of it, but if she just told Judy that she loves her and doesn't want to hurt their friendship but would like to share me and live with us as one family I think Judy might accept and even like the idea as well. I really don't want Sarah or any other woman without Judy. I also wish Judy would open up to a wilder side for herself. I'd love to just sit back and watch her have sex with someone else, man or woman. I thinkit would do her good.
The problem isn't in the heart or wishes of these two, but in the effort they make and the lack of judgment they use. Everything is so wrong, and they are both smothered by problems and depression and pills so much that they can't function, and if I am in a position where I can have some authority, like I do now with Judy's pills, then they will do better. Judy hasn't had any digestive problems since she went to 4 or 5 pills a day, and she motivates more. Sarah is starting, more and more, to sneak and act upon her disgust of Chris, but she needs to exercise the courage, like Judy would, to stand up to his shit. That is a strength Judy has, and Sarah has the submission that Judy needs. They have the aspects each lack to make a better woman out of each other, and together those qualities would transfer to each other better, and I would be a devoted lover and friend and companion to them both, and a better husband to my wife.
Like tonight, Judy shot me down, so if things were how I wanted I would sleep with Sarah, so I wouldn't be frustrated and resentful, so in the morning I'd be nicer and happier, and the same when Sarah says "not tonight". And some nights, both of them together would be just romantic and tender and warm and loving for all of us, and Judy, once she gets past the need to own and her insecurities, would find that the connection we could have with each other brings out the best in all of us, and she would be happier as well. Everyone assumes that a man would want another woman just for sex, but that's not it at all. That's the side benefit, because the dynamics of an expanded relationship would benefit everyone, because of what it offers.
I also think that both the girls would be turned on if either of them watched me with the other and would want in, and when our physical genders vanish and we relate to each other on our attributes, then what we could have could be absolute magic. If Judy gets off giving me head and loves watching me be pleasured and cum, then she should be able to enjoy that by sharing another woman with me, and when you add the love and goodness that has, and place it in the environment that Judy and I create, then my wife and I would both benefit from it. This stays on my mind because above any other change other than something for Alex's schooling and us moving, we need that change. Besides, I want to give Sarah's girls the father figure they deserve, and I like watching Judy with them because she'll never have a daughter, so all of us as one family fulfills those things, and would allow Sarah to have a safe environment and partners that love her, and Alex can be something like a son to her as well. It all just fits. The problems that we have suffered lately wouldn't be happening so often, because we could be watching out better for each other.
Besides, when you sit back and visualize both of them together, sexually and romantically, sharing lovemaking, I can't think of two women I would want to wake up with other than them.
The night when Judy gave me great head then a round two decent fuck I slept all night and woke better rested than I have been in a while. I have so much sexual energy and if it isn't properly released I just don't rest well. I think the move would make it happen, because I know Judy wants her living with us just as much as I do, but not with the same motivations I have, but I also think if she is with us that they will get so close that what I want will happen on it's own or at least without much effort. I just have to wait. I'd also love to watch Judy with another guy, knowing that I'm who he loves. She wonders why I get angry, but it is more frustration than anger.I am frustrated because I know what she has in her and what I get. I shouldn't have to be the one to start. I also wish she was the kind of woman who would masterbate, who wants and needs and like sex enough to make it more of a priority.

Days Drag On

I'm still waiting to get our car back. I got the tranny, now it's just a matter of getting it in. Sqt. Pepper in quarantine, and I am totally pissed off. Wanda is a real asshole, and when people show their true colors sometimes they are simply worthy of disgust. And Sarah is still dealing with Bebo being a jerkoff to her, putting up with shit and chasing pills, just like Kenny said, like a cat going to a full bowl of food. She needs to get away from him and that house.
And worst of all Alex is just out of control. Judy has him so babied and spoiled and has mitigated and made excuses for so long he thinks he can get away with being lazy and having everyone do for and fix everything for him and that he doesn't have to work hard for anything. I try to explain things to Judy and get the normal "hush" and other evasive shit that I am so accustomed to. She fails to see, and used sick as an excuse to get away with lazy, and I am simply sick of the dysfunction I am surrounded by so much that I just want to pack up and go.
I need away from all of this shit before it kills me, and I don't care what happens to this house. I can't stand this house, or this city. Human sickness is normal here, and I am sad and depressed just knowing that I am stuck here for the time being. I have never seen a society so sick in so many ways, and I am well traveled. I should have followed my instincts a long time ago and got out. Now it is my only intention, my only goal. A move would fix so much. This just isn't how people were meant to live.
I know what I want and what I deserve, and I intend to have it. I'm not going to carry dead weight anymore either. If you ain't helping, you're hurting, and I refuse to be hurt by anyone or this life like this anymore.
We need to sell before we lose everything. If I had a family that helped me and didn't make so many life problems I could have had things so much better for all of us, and most of it revolves around Judy's depression. It has taken down this family. But try to tell her and get her to change ANYTHING is like trying to change the color of the sky. She admits no wrongs, ever, and there is such a lack of humility. What there is is someone depressed and slothy taking up couch space allowing the world to fall apart and wanting to talk about everyone's problems except her own. They never get addressed or changed. The good qualities don't always outweigh the bad ones, and I am sick of living with someone that is dead weight.
Sarah has her problems that way too, and I used to be an enabler and bang the drum and do more, but no more. I clean a thing and it gets nastier than it was when I first cleaned it with me being gone just a few hours. Alex destroys everything and she lets him and then instead of making him take responsibility I have to fight her because "he's having a hard time". So she kisses his ass and he now treats her like shit. So I put my foot down and he has an episode, and I am the bad guy, while she crumbles.
Then she talks about her good intentions. I can take those good intentions and a dollar and have to pay twice for the coffee it would buy. Good intentions without any real or with just half-hearted action don't amount to shit. I'm just fed up. I need out, now, before I lose everything or die from a stress heart-attack.
All my warnings, so unheeded, come true, and still she is too blind to see. I am sick of all of it and would rather lose everything than to spend my life with someone who thinks life is a free ride and just takes from me giving so little back.
She has fucked up Alex and doesn't see it.
He is the only reason I stay. I signed up for in sickness and in health, but not for stupidity or malice, and it feels like malice.
I used to be so happy and cheerful and carefree, and I blame her that that is gone for the most part. I want me back, and I will get back to me. Let her have to work again and start over like she did to me ten years ago for a year when she stole everything from me and betrayed me for pill people. it is that lack of humility and submission that goes with love that is her worst trait, and I can't do anything in the state she has brought us to by the steady creation of problems and lack of help for years now. I could list examples, like losing work for pill issues or other bullshit, like running to the store for hours when I needed the car, spending money I needed for supplies on bullshit that could wait, and simply just complicating life that I hate being here and am afraid to leave because some disaster will happen as soon as I'm gone, which includes her sleeping on the couch when she needs to be a mother.
No more excuses. I am resentful and I am starting to hate more than love, and I won't let anyone destroy that in me any more.

More Drama

Wanda came over and was her normal loud self, and she got behind me and made a gesture when my back was to her where she did some sexual dance floor giggle shit putting her arms on my hips and Sqt. Pepper I guess thought she was attacking me and he bit her, so our dog is in quarintine by the city and Wanda, who was hunting for pills, made excuses about the money she owes me and isn't paying and I guess she thinks that our dog is dangerous and is doing the world a favor, and maybe has dollar signs in her eyes, so Sqt. Pepper has to have a dangerous dog hearing.
She is a certifiable nut job anyway, and I really don't like her. I think she's obnoxious and selfish so we're at war. I am sick of asshole people. The only sane people I even associate with in my neighborhood are Sarah, Kenny, Darryl, and Henry. Everyone else I'd say could suck my dick or kiss my ass, but I wouldn't even give them that pleasure. This neighborhood is a collection of sneaky worthless pieces of shit, and you can keep Florida, this part of it anyway.
I make the joke that moving to Jacksonville was moving into a tropical depression, and I mean that.
Sarah has been sick now that there isn't a steady supply of pills making it her way. I allow her to get one a day so she doesn't get too sick, and Judy is doing fairly well on four or five, but it is better for everyone if they BOTH get off that shit. Their heads will eventually clear, and all the kids and I will have better out of them in the long run.
I am still talking to Sarah about getting away from Chris, but she's brainwashed and thinks that it would be wrong to take the kids away from their dad. Thing is he isn't a father or a dad. He is a sperm donor who invests so little in them it is sickening.
Sarah circles around people who are pill heads to get her "fix", and that is standard junkie behavior. Kenny was right when he told Judy that it's like a cat going to where it gets fed, but the poor cat is eating poison, and it is sad to see what pills and depression do to these women.
It falls on me to be the pill Nazi, pill police, or whatever..... but if I don't take charge of them they will only get worse. Judy I have a direct control over, and I wish I had that control over Sarah as well, so I could fix her like I am now fixing Judy.
They really are a lot alike in so many ways, and I don't think Sarah would easily find a guy to take her away from all the bullshit, which means her beautiful girls will have Chris as a male role model. That means they will wind up fucked up. I think Judy understands my point more as time goes by, and I think she would get many rewards having a friend so close and those beautiful girls as part of our lives, even on the terms I want.
Sarah admits to me she loves me and wants me, and Chris isn't the thing she feels guilty about. She doesn't want to hurt Judy, and she has been scarce because we both think she doesn't want to ask for pills from us even when she is sick, and is maybe a bit embarrassed about it all. It must be a low feeling and hurt your self-esteem to be hooked on and need pills, be put down all the time by someone who gave you children and maybe even loves you but treats you like shit all the time, and does everything to control you.
But Judy is really trying more. It doesn't change how I feel about what I want, and I don't see it as a betrayal in any way to love and want Sarah in my life because I want her in our life, and the reasons are because everyone would do better if we ally ourselves with each other and let love take us where it will. Sex I could get anywhere, but love and companionship not. It would simplify our lives if we all teamed up, not complicate it. A driver and a mechanic can't win a race without a pit crew, and you can't win a baseball game with just a pitcher and a catcher. You need a team, and if you are all loyal to each other it works our so much better.
Pressure makes stress, and stress destroys mental and physical and spiritual health. But when you act like a team you have to be humble enough to not let ego or other petty emotions get in the way. When you allow yourself to embrace your own humility and shortcomings and let those who love you help you, and they actually act in your best interests and come through for you, everybody wins.
It will take time to win my cases, but when I do we will eventually sell, move, and find a better life, and build a better life, and I hope Sarah joins us because I see her and Judy as being best friends that make each other better, and me as the one who makes it possible for everything to fall into place for all of us. I think that once we do make a move and have a place for her that she will take up on the offer, and I think her bad habits will vanish like some of Judy's are. I never have given up on Judy, and she has gotten bad over the pill shit, and it is slowly killing her. If I left she might fall apart, and I made a vow to stick it out and love her, and that is what I am doing. I could easily just pack up and leave and find a woman that would be glad to have a guy like me, but I made a commitment and you don't fall in and promise love then bail when things get tough. In sickness and health is what they say, and pills have been a really bad sickness that I hate. I hate junkies and they make me sick, but they are sick, so it is like hating cancer or leukemia or a heart attack. If I can reduce or eliminate these nasty-ass pills, I walk away with the woman I fell in love with and married, and if I get Sarah as well, then I get love times two, Judy gets a partner who is a best friend to share all that girl stuff on a level that so few people ever get to share, and we have a a partnership that makes life more enriching for all of us. I just hope Judy starts to see the logic and soundness of my view in this and that Sarah gets honest enough with her to tell her she loves me and would like the idea.
The real joy would be if Judy and her had some physical elements to their relationship. Judy says she doesn't have any desire for that, and I think that is part of the repressive South thing, but if she can get past gender and just be thankful that there is love working there that it would give them an intimacy that makes them two halves of one whole. Pleasure is pleasure, and intimacy is intimacy, and love is love, and when you hit a certain level of closeness it can be a beautiful thing to share friendship love sex with someone. I don't think it would ever be romance, but hell, Judy and I still have great sex and it's like pulling teeth to get her to have sex now.
She allows too much weight from bullshit to effect her sexual side, and mental-pause has taken some of her sex drive, methadone even more, and depression the rest. My philosophy is to keep romance in the bedroom, not your daily problems. Sex heals, gets rid of stress, builds bonds, and is something that is just good no matter how you look at it, that is, unless it is a tool to control or weapon to take from someone, and the selfish and jealous and insecure do that. I think when life gets better that her sex drive will get better as well, but until I am getting woken up with head at least once a week because kitty needs to be pet I won't be happy, and neither will she. Sarah has also lost some of her desire for sex. She says she just doesn't want it like she used to, and that is stress and being put down and pills in her as well.
Well, if these two were in a life like I want to make for us they would be so happy and I would be doing so right by them that they would be wanting to reward me with passion and tenderness and love, and if they could see it as when one provides that or shares it with me they both do, then they would make me such a happy man that I would be rewarding them by being almost a servant to them and doing the romantic stuff as the happy whirling dervish I once was, leaving a wake of happiness and laughter, and being the father I am, and being motivated to do those great things, well, it could be magical. The energy that it would create in me wuld do us all good, and Judy would find freedom in it.
I have that good decent loving kind strong man inside of me with little means to express it, and my own life depresses me and I carry that and hide it as best I can, and I do get angry because most of all it is there and I can't live it, and no one listens to me or lets me lead. I like it that Judy is independent and speaks her mind, but she needs some humility and to allow me to do my job and just back me up more. I'm right about more than she admits I am, and have been all along. It's just not her nature to submit even when she's wrong.
But I intend to break down and through those walls and fix everything, and be open to whatever changes come, and make the best of it all.
Right now I have to deal with saving Sgt. Pepper, getting the car fixed, paying bills in a bad economy with no working car, solving legal issues, fixing Alex, winning cases, and so many other little things that if i didn't have this resolve I'd jump off a bridge. I am getting my partner back slowly, and I missed her. I just have so much work to do.

I think I got Carmello's mom's house knocked out... did the deck and porch and picnic table, and they look good. grass is cut and garage is cleaned out. Now they can rent it out, but carmello and I both agree they just need to sell it. Tomorrow I am using the chain saw at the Blairmore house, and one more punch at Karen Street and it is all done.
My wars in the courts are going well, and while things take time, I expect to get money before long. That will facilitate everything I need to fix.....
I am having to watch every pill Judy gets, which sucks but what the hell... better than me not being babysitter.
But the bitch is rising up in her again. Her biggest problem and what I hate the most is her lack of any real humility. You can't be loving without some submission and compromise, and she has so little of that. I know what I need, and I intend to have a lifestyle I want, so she needs to get on the bus, because I rule this now, because at this point it is earned.
Expect betty's roof job to start before long...
That's another jump forward at least.

It's a blunderful life...

Waiting on news... spoke with John, the attorney representing WalMart and gave him a 24hour offer of $20K to settle with Wally World. That would be nice, to get 20 grand in a week's time. That would set in motion the move to get out of Jacksonville and get my farm, and right so much of what is wrong. Money only solves what you make it solve, so there is much more to work on, and there will be no splurging with it either. It is almost all earmarked to set up life so it does work.
Besides what I want for myself, the most important things are what I provide and build for Alex and Judy. Judy doesn't get a penny until she stops smoking, which I imagine will piss her off to no end, but that is the deal. I will have the luxury of time and resources to work on Alex, get him in situations that will bring him back out of his anger and defiance. I understand why he is like he is, he feels shortchanged, but he was spoiled, and got too many free passes, and I will assert the firm hand and have the resources to be able to invest more time in him, and fix what I think went wrong.
I put down law and Judy gives in trying to make deals that never get enforced, and Alex needs a firm hand that she just doesn't have the ability or will to apply.
That is why men have the roles they do, and why the "freedom" and "power" women assert, I think, came upon society too fast for us to adjust. There are too many single parent families, so kids miss out on the balance men and women create. Everyone is so hung up on their "personal space" and "freedom" that they all, men and women, became self-centered flakes or twisted think that 'time-outs' can replace a good ass spanking when it is needed. Kids need limits, and need a boot in their asses when they get disrespectful. Time-outs suck, because it mitigates repercussions that are a natural part of life. As a result, there is so little respect from person to person.
But I am the unusual one, being so liberal in some views and so conservative in others. I am a Unitarian that believes in God and a democrat that believes in being a fiscal conservative. I accept a woman's right to choose but hate the idea of abortion, and like the idea of a modified flat tax. Maybe I'll start my own political party and call it the Pragmatists....
Sarah came over and worked and only got four pills for 3 hours work. But then again, if that seems like low pay, where the fuck is my wallet, and Judy's pills?
She needs away from Chris and his mother and all the drug heads selfish waste fucks that hang out over there, and if she does get away I think she'd transform. Judy and her could fix things wrong in each other because they are so alike in so many ways, and work well off each other, and everyone under one roof would make a healthy house. But I have said that over and over. That I see as the best way to fix things, but the main focus I have is on Alex, then my wife, then that life, and whatever may fit into it and enhance it.
But I am tired and need a bath.....so I pause...
....and I'm back. Judy and I made love again, and we're back to decent sex. It is really good for her, but not enough for me. I just want more than a fuck and a nut. I want some chow time, and I like it at least twice, because after my first creaming I always have the urge to get the rest expressed. It's like milking a cow halfway. The cow is like..."empty this shit out of me, p-p-pleaseeeee".
I wake up at 4 am stiff and throbbing and I guess it like builds up like pressure on a bladder or something. So if a man like me, not happy unless he gets honestly drained nightly, has a woman who wants just a flirt and a squirt and is done, well she has a duty to make sure I am satisfied at least 1 out of 3 tuimes the way I want it, or she herself should be finding someone for me to finish the job or take care of me...
So I want that to be (that being lovemaking and sexual release and fulfillment that my wife has never really addressed) to be taken care of not by random strangers or secret lovers, but to share myself and give myself to someone I like or love, and that is what Judy should be recognizing and doing. Yeah, there are surely some others who could take care of that aspect as well, and if that is released I am at peace, content, happy, motivated, chipper, satisfied, and feeling appreciated and taken care of. It hits a reset button in me and nothing bad bothers me so bad. Even my physical pains seem to vanish. It it makes me healthy, then it needs to be done, and I don't want to lose my wife just because she refuses to give me sexual satisfaction on my terms.
"I know you are hungry, but here are some scraps. Granted they will not make your hunger go away, but it is just enough food to keep you from starving. Your hunger pains you just have to live with, just be thankful they are tasty. Now swallow it so quickly that you barely get a taste and worship me for giving you a single bite of food once a week or so...."
what the fuck!
Hey, if someone comes along with food you will eat, and if someone has a favorite food of yours, even better. I live in that hunger and thirst. I have used other pleasures to compensate, like real food, which has had worse effects. I intend to get my fill from time to time. That means I might still experience that hunger, but it also means that when I can feast sometimes, then no one better say "you can't eat" when they are hoarding a feast and letting it spoil.

I love this, when a thought flashes a song.....
How Soon Is Now by the Cure

I am the son
and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

I am the son
and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and the heir
of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

There's a club if you'd like to go
you could meet somebody who really loves you
so you go, and you stand on your own
and you leave on your own
and you go home, and you cry
and you want to die

When you say it's gonna happen "now"
well, when exactly do you mean?
see I've already waited too long
and all my hope is gone

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

For the first time since BuSHIT stole the presidency with the rest of the right wing fuckheads, I filed my taxes, and on time. I just had this block thing where I couldn't give to our government because it was at first illegal, then stupid. It isn't an excuse, it's a reason.
WalMart continues to violate the sound laws, which is great for the suit, and I just wish they would go ahead and settle with me. I could really use the cash right about now.
And last night, making love to my wife, is still on my mind. Naturally, with my sex drive and overly romantic and erotic heart, I want more, but I like it that I am starting to get back to passion with Judy. Yes, I do want my cake, and to eat it, among other thing, too.
I think sometimes that level of getting what you really want is deserved. I have endured years of depression and pill drama and lost and stolen dream and beat the drum, often in physical pain and past and through my own depression. I keep silent about most of it, and am apt to express anger when I feel it so it doesn't fester and grow in me, and my views are so far off the wall that I don't seem like I'm from this age or culture, but that is my way, and I like my way and think there is honor and honesty and dignity in it.
But love and romance and tenderness and physical satisfaction, and peace at home and responsibility and duty being expressed all serve to motivate me and allow me to give what is best in me to others, and the honesty I can now express without her being such a bitch about it makes me want to give her more of what is best in me, it energizes me and gives me the desire to give her what she needs from me on those levels. She may not like it and it might hurt her that I also want my bed bigger and more open, but I want that with her, and if just being honest about that allows me to give her so much more of the me that she fell in love with, how much better will I be if I actually get the life I want for myself? How much more of the life and "me" she wants will be there when I am hitting on all cylinders?
I think giving her that side on me is better than her getting me unhappy and unfulfilled, because everything then comes out tainted and sad and resentful because I then see her as the thing keeping me from life as I have always wanted it. My deepest loyalty is to the love that I feel and give, and that is starting to come back to me. Judy is becoming a partner again after years of dark clouds. Now if I can just get Alex to apply himself, life would be so much better. I had a good talk with him tonight, but you can't force some things.

That's It!

Today was a fairly good day. Judy went to Dr Day and got her meds, so is as close to normal as she can be. I saw Sarah today, who has been scarce since pills came up missing. We understand what pills and a life with Chris can do to someone, and understand she withdraws as well, but damn. And Sarah knows we love her. Still she needs to come off of a few lies and just come clean. She also needs to get away from Chris. And I saw Amanda, and she seems to be in somewhat better spirits. Josh came over with Andrew and two other guys, and Sgt. Pepper bit him, and all the dogs just didn't like Josh. They hate Chris as well. Leave it to dogs to be a great judge of character. I'll trust a dog before anything usually. Instinct is there for a reason, and it works.
I trust my instincts about people usually, and how do you tell some people that the people they hang with are wrong for them? Me, I'm usually very blunt, but some people want to be so non-offensive and understand that they allow others to get away with the worst transgressions. Women seems often to like guys who are mean or bad for them, and from experience can tell you that when you are too nice they take advantage of it. Southern women are especially acclimated to abusive men as the norm, when where I'm from not so much.
I put in the new desk and moved the computer and all, and it is better. And tonight Judy and I made love, and I don't know how much was mood and how much was position, but I hit that thing just right. She melted. Now, if I can get that, sometimes in marathons, with more head and oral, and a few more times a day, I'd be much happier. But even if I did I would want the extra I want because I want that because of the "daddy-man" father-husband mindset I have and how much I love the role I am pretty good at, part is that Knight in Tainted Armour on his trusty Old Gray Shire coming in to save the Bitch Princesses I adore so much, and because my love and who I love has grown to more than one. That I can't help, it is there, and if I ever get to live that they will just wind up with such a decent and happy and giving guy to share. Judy will always be #1, but she caps me at a level that is too low is what I need.
Love can be a big and unusual thing.
But man I grinded Judy for like 20 minutes then my arm cramped when I moved fast in a weird direction, and it felt like I pulled a muscle in my right shoulder down to my wrist. Once that past I got another 15 minuets and we came together like we usually do, but watch for the toe curl. When Judy cums she tightens her pussy in a way she can't fake, so I know, and can never be lied to about how good I get her off. I am, for some reason, more content when I can smell the scent of pussy in my beard as well. I could get pussy ten times a day and crave more, and since this is a natural thing I think it is normal. I don't lose sleep when I get what I need either, but sleep through the night and wake up well rested and ready to attack the day.
But at least tonight wasn't too quick. Not the hour plus and three gasams for me I crave and can be satisfied with, but much closer considering.

Easter... Spring... rebirths...

It will officially be Easter in one hour.
But I can feel the rebirth starting. Judy is on three methadones a day because the emergency ones she got, well, 10 of them vanished. She and I both think it is Sarah, and that she acts from desperation, and she's addicted and without, and being around Chris and dealing with everything has made her sometimes do things she wouldn't if she was fixed. That might hurt her, and these words might, but reality is what it is, and we all are human, and we love her, because inside we both know how beautiful a person and great a mother she is. Most others would have fallen down way further. It is a wonder she can smile half the time with what she has to endure from Chris and her mother-in-law and life in general.
So forgive? I don't have to, just like I don't have to forgive Judy for fucking up her pills. You can't fault someone for what really is a sickness and a disease. You help them overcome it. That's just another reason to have both under one roof, because they can help each other be strong and that would take pressure off of me, and because, well with just a fraction of submission of allowing a man to take the lead a little, I can give them what they need from a man in love and companionship, that all of it together would just make life wonderful for all of us.
I'm in NO WAY saying I want a submissive puppet. On the contrary. I want them to let me run and fix and help with what I am good at, and in return I will submit to them, to their needs and even to their will somewhat. But the two of them together is what is best for them, and me, and the kids.
John betrayed Amanda, and is stealing from her, but the thing that is different is that at least Sarah tries and will work. John just drifts. No direction. Sarah at least is willing to work for it to a degree. She is in a trap, but John isn't, and that is the biggest difference.
But even I have fallen, so I can speak to this. I have regrets and have made mistakes, but that's okay because it allows me to understand and relate and be able and justified in offering advice.
Judy on three a day doesn't work that well, and I am still left with a stiff dick and no cuddles. I need and want both. I deserve both.
Judy just got up and asked me to be Easter Bunny this year. Guess it's off to SmallHeart (WalMart) to get goodies in about an hour.
And why is like fucking pulling teeth to get Alex to do his homework? He knows better! This is why my word has to be law. I demand that the right thing be done, and just now I am in an exchange with Judy over ice cream. I told her to write down what she wants and still the mouth about explaining it... damn you woman just write it down or don't expect me to get it. It is that defiance and her undermining me and questioning my authority in front of him that allows him to feel justified in fighting and her giving in all the time that makes him think he can bully his way with defiance. She is just so blind.
That is why men need to have the lead role when they are so suited. Not all men are. But that natural order to things that has been fucked up by women getting empowered and taking away a man's authority then not having the backbone to be strict when that needs to happen that has fucked up so many marriages and kids and families. A real man has a duty to honor and care for his family and wife, and the wife to be supportive and help guide, but it takes a type of teamwork that has vanished and the end result is a generation of kids with no respect for anyone or anything, who take everything for granted. I don't think many men know how to be good men anymore either. A real man can be strong and firm without being abusive, but it sucks when being strong and demanding gets called abusive and mean, and then kids learn that they don't have to follow rules or face consequences that things go so wrong.
If a kid mouths off at an adult who is deserving of respect they sometimes need their teeth knocked down their throats. Sometimes those ramifications for wrong acts are so needed. Even in the Bible with spare the rod spoil the child, this has been known for ages... but now you are a bad guy if you don't kiss their asses, even when they are wrong, and then what do you do. If Alex won't obey out of a desire to or love, then it will be out of respect, and if not out of that, then out of fear until it sinks in and he is respectful automatically. And you need a united front in that. I don't get that. Women need to let men run that when the man is able to and right in doing it. It is our job. I am progressive and fair, but damn it, you can't kiss their asses or let children have that kind of power over your family.
That's why I think the way things are in "modern" society are wrong. I can show how they don't work, and prove my points. That and people in general try to be so politically correct that everything winds up wrong. We have lost so much, and it is a fine line walking between being liberal and having conservative family values. Freedom stops when you infringe upon the rights of others. If someone infringes, that also means the right to kick their ass to get them in line, and defending against others being intruded upon.
It becomes a matter of responsibility.
But here I am, denied sexual release and the comfort of a loving embrace and being held as I sleep, and that is theft to me. If she won't, then she not only needs to allow someone else to provide that but should be arranging it. If not, it is stealing from me. I have only so many years on this earth and I am not one designed to be or happy sleeping alone. I won't divorce just because I don't have that, but I refuse to waste any more time living without it either, and even a night every once in a while with someone I like, love, and care about fills so many gaps.
That's a lack of respect as well. If people were more concerned about who they say they love instead of themselves everything would work so much better for everyone.
It's all just so frustrating....

I feel good about how much work I've been able to get done lately. I have Carmello's mom's house just about completely painted inside and out, and it looks really good. It feels great being able to give back a little to him because he's always there when I need him, like I am always there for him. That is how things should work. Carmello understands me really well, and even though I am really democrat, he respects most of my views, and I think I have given him some real understanding into a pragmatic approach to government. I have loads of furniture and stuff from there as well. His sister moved out from his mom's house and she went into a retirement center, because she is losing money in a big 4/2 and it's just too big for just her. The best thing by far is the sofa and love seat, which is green. It's funny that a post I made a while back mentions seeing the living room in green instead of blue, and the green I saw in the dream was that same green.
Sarah came over today when I was at work. I think living with Chris and being subjected to all the shit she has been in her life and the shit Bridgette puts her through has made her judgment weak at times, and made her desperate at times just to get a little relief and escape. Her only real solution will be leaving, but her self-esteem is so low because she has been so berated for so long that for her to get back to happy and content she will need some major life changes, and she doesn't really know anything different, so is afraid to take those steps, plus she's afraid they might try to steal her kids from her. She has such a big and loving heart and would shine once she gets away and gets empowered a little, but she is surrounded by people that use and abuse her and Judy and I really need to take her away with us when we go, because we might not be her only option, but we are her best one.
Judy and I both love her and the girls, and I said it before and now again, that they both function better and are happier when they are together. Judy said that Sarah said that she wanted or wants to sleep with her, and I think she does, but she also wants us to have something more between us, and I can understand why she doesn't tell Judy. She loves Judy and doesn't want to do anything to hurt their friendship. Judy understandably feels a degree of rejection from me because I want Sarah as well, but what I feel for Sarah doesn't take anything away from what I feel for Judy. In fact, it makes what I feel for Judy stronger, maybe because they are so much alike in so many ways. What I want to make for us all, and how I want us all to be towards each other would work so well for all of us and the kids, because we could all make each other so happy and so much stronger. That would be if Sarah got away from Chris, because until she does she will stay stealing, including from us, which will no doubt be the end of what otherwise would be a lasting friendship.
I really feel where love works so well with friendship that when a physical expression aspect gets incorporated into it that there is just so much of a higher level of closeness and bonding. Gender needs to vanish sometimes. This isn't a thing about sex, it is about closeness and love and sharing a depth of tenderness that can do wonders for the soul.
Sarah also needs to come clean about how she really feels instead of the lie and deny. I understand she wants to protect Judy and their friendship, but at this point there is no reason not to be out in the open about everything we all feel. Judy may not like it that I want a bigger bed, but I don't like things that I have to deal with and have dealt with for years. As I mentioned before, the only sunrise I ever saw with her was when taking her to the hospital because she ran out of methadone and was withdrawing, and those things are, to me, much bigger of a betrayal than what she sees as me wanting Sarah in addition to her.
Judy fits me, but not all of me, and Sarah fits most of the same places and some places where Judy doesn't. Naturally I see other women who could fit the things I need that neither Judy or Sarah never would, but I would never make myself that thin or even consider trying to find or fill it because they would be enough. In most ways, Judy already is enough, and has been, but there are unfulfilled parts of me that she will never fill, and I need those parts filled, and if she truly loves me she will fill them either with herself or with someone we both love and care for who can and will. I would do the same for her in a heartbeat.
I will have to hold her pills because she just cannot be trusted to take them properly or mind them, and I hate that, but she is an addict, and without them suffers pain, so it becomes something I may not like but have to do to take care of her and make sure she is okay. Well, I am sorry what I need is another relationship that allows me better expression, but in a way it is the same thing. I do what I may not like, and in the case of pills hate, because I love my wife.
I put my feeling aside and remember that I love Judy and that I have a duty to love her and care for her, to give her what she needs. But I now feel that duty to Sarah to a big degree, and that duty to my son is the strongest duty I have. I hurt today and wanted nothing more than to stop working and just sit, but I have a duty to Carmello.
Caring for others requires fulfilling duties, no matter what.
The most recent pill drama hurt me, really bad. THAT was a betrayal moreso that in I found a woman Judy hated and fucked her in front of her. Sarah falls short just as much, and I am their solution if they let me lead and follow my lead.
I want two weakened women to submit to one part of my will so I can give them love and reflect the love they both give me so I can make them strong, so that love can serve and fulfill our son and her girls, and so we all can work as one to create happiness.
If I am given what I need I can give them so much love and support that they would both be happy and content.
How do I reach the epiphany?

I just can't stand the bullshit!
A friend of Judy's gave her 40 methadone, and that saved her ass, but there's always that "but".
I am the one controlling the pills, and she shared a few with Sarah, but today I went to work all day, and Judy calls, says she went hunting for them and found where I stashed them, and she and Sarah had a few. The total with what I gave her and what she took was 10. 10 from 40 is 30.... or so one would think.
I count them and how many are there? try 20. So where did the 10 missing ones go, or for that matter, the weeks worth that vanished that started this shit? Sarah comes around and the shit vanishes, just like when Judy stole from Shelia in the past. Shelia was a good friend who would help the stupid woman out whenever she overused her scrip, and Judy stabbed her in the back and fucked up their friendship, and Alex had a relationship with her as well that she ruined with her self-righteous bullshit and from stealing from someone that would bend over backwards to help her.
To top that off, my wallet vanished with like $35 in it, and I am sick of this pillhead bullshit that pervades so much of our life, and hurts Alex on a regular basis. I was so pissed at her that when she tried to make excuses I threw a can of cooking spray at her. I told her if she touched the pills at all I would put her through a wall, and damn going to jail over it or anything. I am at the point that I just don't give a fuck, I won't have her making bullshit excuses or trying to justify the pillhead drama that fucks up not only my peace of mind and life, but my son as well. It fucks the kid up to see someone waste so much good with pill drama. Judy, with the help of my own sister, ruined my one vacation home to see my mom with Alex with pill shit. I guess Florida holding her hand in an ER when she was out of pills wasn't good enough, she had to do it in two NJ hospitals as well.
I refuse to deal with that shit any more. Sarah needs a reality check as well. It is great she finally left Bebo today taking the kids to her mom's, but she will either go back or Chris and his mom will try to steal the kids, and until Sarah stops pills so much she won't be worth a damn either. These two women could be so great and wonderful if it wasn't for their damn addictions. They hurt their children with it, and with the stupidity they step into with minds clouded with pills and the hunt or need for them. I might have a few problems, but no where near as bad as them.
Sarah said I saw things "about me", meaning that I was selfish in my view of things, but my judgement doesn't allow me to take household money or food money to find drugs or pills, and what I want is more for the kids than it ever will be for me. I may not communicate things the best way at times, but as I see it if I had people around me not fucking up I wouldn't be having to fix things or put out fires, or hunting pills or holding hands at ERs or giving what money I have so her kids can have food, or Judy can have smokes, or watching Judy eat all my pills when I get them. It steals time and money, or resources, from my home and son and makes me depressed and gives me a feeling that my efforts are being wasted. It produces nothing of value to anyone.
I may have been wrong to throw a can of cooking spray at Judy, but she deserved a fist in her face, because she betrayed a promise, and trust, and her being down will hurt this family and Alex, so she hurt my son by her stupidity, and I did warn her. So while that may be wrong, it was not like the consequences of breaking that trust and promise were not fully explained from the outset. Judy violated a contract, and I imposed the agreed upon penalty. She lucky I don't Marchman Act her ass. Her pill problems I will NOT allow to effect Alex, or me, ever again, period. She doesn't understand that is a root problem of this family. I may get angry and yell, but my anger is a result of this bullshit inflicted upon me and my son by people addicted to drugs and the shit they place upon my door because of it.
The thing they need is humility and to submit to doing the right thing with determination. They are both on a bad self-destructive path. Judy is ten years away from death if she keeps on, and Sarah on a downward spiral, because Chris will never change his bad habits and always steal from their kids their chance at a happy life. Sarah has learned bad habits as well. People have some choices to make. I have to run the show in this area because Judy can't, and Sarah also has to decide her path as well. I have no more time for lost should who refuse to open their eyes to the light of truth and make the changes they have to.
I am coming back to myself, to who I am, and it feels really great. I hold not a thing back, and never intend to again. Few men have the ability to be as romantic and caring and loving and good as I am, and that may sound arrogant, but it is more recognition of the fruition of years of strife and a long quest to find the dream I had of how things could be in life. I don't want to and refuse to be just a drift along. Too much has passed, and I am not the standard fluff that blindly accepts a station in life. I intend to make the rest of my life an exercise in enriched fulfillment and ecstatic happiness. I want to leave a legacy behind. I can't do that with addicts who bring their sickness into my life, and the life of my son.
I have unique beliefs, but there are high standards there, and not much room for things that will hurt what I am out to create.
So yes, it is about me to a big degree, because unlike most people I have a plan with standards and goals, and the clock doesn't go backwards......
I don't want anyone to follow me, but I need companions to walk with me. Alex is finally seeing what I have been saying and understands why I am hard on him and I think appreciates that I care enough to be, even though he still fights some. I think he understands Judy is fucked up, and why, and has sympathy, but no more tolerance for it or the excuses. There are choices to make, and I refuse to be taken down by sloth or addictions or depression when I know and have the cure for it, and all it takes is a little will power, some humility, and some effort to fix things.
There is so much worse than life on my terms, but if anyone wants me as part of their life at this point things are going to be on my terms for some basics, and if they can do that I will bust ass to help them reach their dreams and know every second of every day that they are loved.
But to waste my energy and power on something that will only hurt me or my son is senseless, and something I just can't accept any longer.

More drama.....
Judy is out of it, and I have court tomorrow, and the electric might be off again in the morning, but Alex is doing much better attitude wise, and then again, Sarah is over with her two youngest. Some bull dyke bitch is staying with them, and is mistreating Sarah, and Chris is not being supportive, and Sarah really needs to get away from that shit. And Judy, maybe she is starting to see the depth of my love and devotion even though it may not be how she expected it, or according to the rules and beliefs she feels. Acceptance is the highest form of love. I love her despite this pill shit, and maybe love will cure that as well.
But changes are coming so fast, I feel the, coming.
I let Kenny read the parts of my journals that speak to my future visions, and so much of what I have seen has come to pass. It is a big reason why I don't worry so much, because I've seen things coming around. Who knows what it is in us that lets us glimpse the future, and I have it in spades sometimes. Just no instructions how to get there.
I believe in the power of love to transform life, and have the sense and experience to attain things, despite the sadness and anxiety I carry as I walk that way. It sucks waiting until 50 to get there, but it is in sight, and I'm watching the beauty unfold, with harsh birth pains.
Maybe the reason for the suffering to get there is the level of reward at the end.
Maybe the walk along the path is the reward.
Either way, I'm such a product of the dreams I've held so long and truth has a way of lighting the darkness.

My wife is going through withdrawals again because she fucked her medicine or had it stolen again.... stupidity, more burdens and pressure on me and Alex, and for what? Me wanting something different, extra, or more when this is what I have to deal with all the time? Am I so wrong? Methadone is her other lover. Sarah is the same way. If ever anybody ever needed to relinquish control to someone else it is these bitches and the subject of pills and me running things where that is concerned. They have no self-control, and are unable to function as normal and I need to be the pill cop. I don't abuse anything like they do their pill use and needs.
I have the right to sound arrogant here. I can speak from the higher ground. With what I have had to deal with, from watching kids to lost time to hospitals and pharmacies and pill drama, to being the community wallet and overall problem solver, I am owed them being slaves at times as payback for all I do for everyone. They eat and have gas and smokes and so much more because of me, and they hurt my ability to go do what I need to and feel like life has rewards at times. I mean, I know I'm not a total picnic either, but my problems are far and away so trivial when it comes to either handing out my meds, or having them confiscated and used up as if they owned them, to time being stolen from dealing with pill drama.... Sometimes I feel like I alone clearly see the solutions, and I want to see them happy and healthy and functioning well. But all I have to do is wait a week, or usually a few days, and either Sarah is on some sort of pill hunt, or Judy is doing some stupid trade, or is out, or some other drama that is just a waste is unfolding.
It's like pills control their daily lives. As a result, it effects my life, and Alex and the girls. Chris is a waste, and just a pill and drug head, and overall worthless as a husband and father, and I don't care if he is so smart or has been through so much, or when they start with their excuses either, like Judy blaming the doctors. we all make choices. They choose to let pills steal their happiness. My mission is to make a life of happiness and not allow those negative distractions to thwart every good effort. I have kept track, and either Judy or Sarah has been sick or withdrawing EVERY SINGLE WEEK since this year started, and I speak of them together because our lives ARE so entwined.
What I propose and want to create is a life where those things are better controlled and, moreover, get fixed so they don't run and ruin their lives. This pill drama can destroy friendships, wind someone up in the hospital or jail, hurt our kids, and put them in situations that someone could get hurt or killed. I have every right to not only want, but to demand that live be tried my way for once. They have has their way, and they are both hopelessly lost to drugs and drama that surrounds them. This all needs to change, like yesterday.
I might be the last best hope we all have to get on a different path, and there is a load of pressure that no one ever sees me fall to. They do at times, when I look so sad or get so angry.
But I deal with it well, because I didn't sign up for this bullshit.
Damn it!

Well, Judy "lost" or ran out of her pills again. I said looks like I have to control them and treat you like a child, and she was quick to say "yes, you do".
So now I have withdrawal I need you Judy, instead of functioning Judy. Then once she gets her pills again she will be arrogant I don't need you or anyone Judy. I would never have evolved into what I am now opinion wise if Judy had the ability to control herself where drugs are concerned. She gets mad when I crack fun at her side of the family having substance abuse problems, but if I don't crack fun at it all I'd go insane. Judy and Sarah need someone in their life to make sure they don't get away with letting drugs rule and destroy them, and they can help each other in ways I can't, and man they just have to relent and see the wisdom in the path I present.
Wisdom and the wild side isn't just the title of this journal, it is my mindset. I don't run for weed or booze or pills, but have to deal with the weaknesses of those around me. I have to fight and compensate for that all, and it makes me a bad guy at times, and wears me down. Our kids all deserve so much better. They shouldn't have to be subjected to pills and pill abusers and get shorted because their parents have those problems, or breathe in second hand smoke, or have any good thing subtracted because of vices and faults.
My life is vowed to my son, then to my wife, and I get so little of my dreams and desires and vices and things that are designed to simply pleasure me, and I can live denied to a degree, but there has to be some changes. So here we go, on the withdrawal roller coaster once again.
I want to have my cake and eat it too, true, but how is dealing with her withdrawals not even more of a betrayal? She betrays her whole family by that lack of responsibility and the complications. Then she reverts to justifications and excuses. I make no excuse. I want what I want because it will make me the best I can be and happy enough to be able to deal with everything that tears me down.
A least my vices do something positive for me, and as a result those who have to deal with me.
They enrich me, and then I can enrich other because I have more of a better me to give, not steal from my family, and hurt everyone around me.